Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 3 - Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark - full transcript

Charlie discovers he isn't presented to Alan's girlfriends because there is only his wicked ex Judith, with whom he pretends (when near Jake) to still be fighting with. Evelyn, Rose and Bertha join Charlie (who don't want Jake to leave) in the don't-chorus, in vain. Charlie even arranges a sexy alternative, but Alan insists. He's nearly drowned in the hot-tub, and after a single turn in bed soon ends up even more miserable and cleaned-out.

English Subtitles, renamed for "LP" WebDL release :)
Two and a Half Men S03E02 - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

Doc, how many more adjustments
do you think I'm gonna need?

Well, Mr. Malinkovich, let's see.

My son won't graduate college
till 2015... a lot.

See you next time.

Okay, Mr. Dunlop.

It's good to see you again, sir.
And how are we doing today?

Not good. I was making love
to my wife last night...

Oh, my God, is she okay?

She's fine. She was on top.

But my back went out, doc.

Okay, well, let's get you on the table
and get to work.

Whoa, steady there big fella.

I took some pain pills my wife
had left over from her C-section.

- I guess my legs are a little rubbery.
- Well, how many pills did you take?

Well, let's see.

One when I went to bed,
one when I got up. Seven.

Really? You know it's not usually
a good idea... pop class A narcotics
like Skittles.

- I gotta lie down.
- Okay, okay, but not here, not now.

No, no, no. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Mr. Dunlop?

Mr. Dunlop, you need to get up.



Big giant guy.

Oh, perfect.

Dr. Harper speaking.

Judith, this is not a good time.

I'm with a patient.

Well, what about Jake?

Well, no, I can't pick him up
at school now. Why can't you do it?

You're not the only one
under pressure, Judith.

All right, all right. I'll call Charlie
and have him pick him up.

Hey, hey, stop that.

Hey, stop that.

Do you need to get it?

No, the machine will pick up.

Hey, it's Charlie.
Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Charlie, I need your help.

Oh, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Oh, for God's sake.


Hey, look who's here.

- Hi.
- How come you're not in school?

He got sent home for misbehaving.

Well, it's about time.

When I was your age,
I had already been arrested twice.

Charlie, don't.

No convictions.

I had a bad day.
I had to cancel all my patients...

- ...and close my office to pick him up.
- Wow, what a drag.

I got new video games.
You wanna play?

- Sure.
- Did you forget you're punished?

No, why does Uncle Charlie
have to suffer?

Go to your room.

In some countries you're innocent
until proven guilty.

You confessed.

Oh, yeah.

And that country you're thinking of
is this one, genius.

- What did he do?
- Something awful.

How awful?
These are all multi-player games.

Apparently, there is a little girl in
Jake's class named Barbara Schmidt...

...who is a little more physically
developed than the other girls.

And Jake decided to make a picture
of her and pass it around.

I only passed it to one person.

What happened after that
was not my responsibility.

Dude, why did you sign it?

Okay, that part I regret.

Go back to your room.

"Boobra Schmidt."

I'm putting this one
on the refrigerator.

- Charlie, this is serious.
- Lt really speaks to me.

The girl went home in tears.
Her mother is on the warpath.

- Jake could get expelled.
- For a silly drawing?

It's considered sexual harassment.
The school has a zero tolerance policy.

For the good old days
when you could wander...

...into the girls' locker room
pretending you were blind.

You actually did that?
That's horrible.

No, the horrible part was
stealing the dog from the blind kid.

Well, unfortunately,
times have changed...

...and we no longer live
in a Porky's movie.

What's a Porky's movie?

Close the door.
I'll be in to talk with you in a minute.

Go easy on him. He doesn't
understand what he did wrong.

He's right. I don't have a clue.

I thought I told you to close the door.

It is closed.

- Go in your room.
- Fine.

You know what,
maybe I should talk to him.

Oh, now you wanna help?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means why didn't you
pick up the phone...

...when I needed you
this afternoon?

I didn't want to.

See, see? I can't depend on you.

I never have been able
to depend on you. I never will be.

- You know why?
- Because I'm undependable?

Yes, yes. Undependable and selfish.

And frankly, I'm the idiot.

I've deluded myself into believing...

...that when I desperately needed
my brother to pick up my kid...

...he might actually bother to pick up
the freaking phone.

Okay, okay, in my defense,
I really didn't want to.

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry,
I should have picked up the phone.

Forget it. What's done is done.
No sense grinding on it.

Thank you.

I just have to accept the fact
that I can't count on anyone.

Least of all an emotionally immature

...who thinks the sun rises out
of his navel, sets in his scrotum...

...and only cares
about what lies between the two.

Okay, I'm no expert,
but that sounds a lot like grinding.

I am done talking to you.

Oh, come on, Alan, I said I was sorry.
Give me another chance.

For what? To let me down?

Tell me what I can do.
Name something. Anything.

Okay, I have to go to Jake's school
if I can keep him from being expelled.

You want me to go?
I am there. Count on me.

No, my receptionist is out sick
all week.

And I need somebody to handle
the phones while I'm gone.

- In your office?
- Yes.

Way out in the valley?


All day?


Gee, tomorrow is not really good
for me.

All right. All right, what time?

- The office opens at 8.
- O'clock?

No, degrees.

No reason to be snide,
I don't wanna be late.

Fine. We leave at 7.


Okay, Charlie, time to get up
and go to work.


Of course.

Never even came home.

Why help your only brother...

...when you can be out
boffing total strangers?

"I'll be there for you.
You can count on me."

My own fault.
I'm just stupid and gullible...

And annoying. Don't forget annoying.

- You're here?
- You said 7:00, right?

- You got yourself up?
- Didn't have to.

- Why not.
- Didn't sleep.

- You haven't been to bed?
- Not my bed.

You want coffee? I made
some coffee. It's good coffee.

No more coffee.

Why don't you make some more
coffee while I go take a squirt?

- Morning.
- Berta. Berta, Berta, Bert, Bert, Bert.

- He just getting home?
- Yeah.

You gotta wonder how long he'd
keep burning that penis at both ends.

I try not to think about it.

Listen, Charlie's coming with me
to work today.

- Why?
- He's gonna help me at the office.

You wanna bet?

- What's up with Uncle Charlie?
- What do you mean?

He's peeing off the deck.

I thought we weren't allowed

- We're not.
- We're not?

No, we're not.

Okay. What's the Oompa Loompa
doing here on a weekday?

- He got suspended from school.
- Why isn't he with his mother?

Judith had a little liposuction

...and she needs to stay in bed...

...until she stops leaking fat.

Yeah, I hate it when that happens.

So, what did the melon-head do?

Oh, it's a long story.

Worth a thousand words.

Come on, Charlie, let's go.

Hang on. I'm not done yet.

Oh, will you leave the sea gulls alone
for crying out loud?

So... like making fun of girls
with big boobs?

Not anymore.



People do this every day?
Drive to work at eight miles an hour?

Pretty much.

I'd have to kill myself.

- Oh, click.
- What?

I just had a phenomenal
business idea.

They haven't perfected
personal jetpacks yet.

Okay, I have another one.

We buy a doughnut machine
and put it in your trunk.

Let's go back to the jet-packs.

Hear me out. Next time you're stuck
in a traffic jam...

...just pop your trunk and sell
doughnuts to all the other drivers.

We'll call them...


Trunk Crullers.

Stop 'n' Go-Nuts.

- Charlie?
- Yeah?

- Please stop talking.
- Okay.

I got it. Trunkin' Donuts.

Here it is. The chiropractic offices
of Dr. Alan Harper.

This is where you come every day?

Yep. For 11 years.
What do you think?

I would have killed myself
10 and a half years ago.

Okay. Now, all you have to do
is sit here.

And when the phone rings, pick it up
and say, "Dr. Harper's office."

So right off the bat, I lie?

I am a doctor, Charlie.

Yeah, and I'm king
of the traffic doughnuts.

Moving on. I've canceled
all the morning appointments...

...the only thing you're gonna
deal with is walk-ins.

Have them make an appointment
for another time.

So I don't get to crack
anybody's back?

Charlie, listen to me very carefully.

You must not touch the patients.

This is not me talking.
This is the State of California.

- Okay.
- Let me be absolutely clear.

No touching the patients.

Got it.

What did I just say to you?
Repeat it back to me.

Boy, you're really not
a morning person, are you?

All right, I gotta go
get to Jake's school.

Say a prayer that I can keep him
from being expelled.

Don't worry about a thing. It's
under control. You can count on me.

Oh, if I could believe
even one of those things.

Okay. Where can I hang myself?


Oh, hey, Alan.

I said, "Dr. Harper's office."

I did.

You know what, call back
and give me another chance.

Hello. Damn, try it again.

- Are you waiting to see the principal?
- Yeah.

- Oh, have a seat.
- Oh, thank you.

- Alan.
- Mindy.

- Nice to meet you.
- You too.

You must be Boobra's mom.

Barbara's mams.


Don't worry, Alan.
I'm not touching the patients.

There are human lives
at stake here, man.

I need those spines delivered

Hello. Can I give you
a complimentary adjustment?

I'm here for the masseuse position.

I see. Well, I'm really not authorized
to do any hiring...

...but you're obviously qualified.

So the hell with protocol,
welcome aboard.

Let me tell you, puberty is
hard enough for a young girl...

...without having to be leered at and
made fun of by obnoxious little boys.

I couldn't agree with you more.
I assure you...

...I've had a talk with Jake about how
wrong it is to objectify women's...

Up here. I'm up here.

I know. I know. I see you.
And let me tell you something.

There is no one more sympathetic
than l... the plight
of the large-breasted woman.

Plight? It's not an affliction.

Well, no, not the breasts themselves
but the attendant back problems...

...associated with carrying
the enormous load.

So now my breasts are a load?

From a strictly engineering standpoint,

See, see, I am a chiropractor.

And I deal with the heartache
of MMS all the time.

- MMS?
- Massive Mammary Syndrome.

A term I coined in an article
I submitted... the Journal of the American
Chiropractic Association.

It hasn't really caught on.

Anyway, MMS is particularly acute
among strippers...

...but they bring it on themselves
with those humongous implants.

Yours, on the other hand,
appear quite natural.

God given, am I right?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I don't know.

I was a bottle baby.

I'm sorry, Dr. Harper's
not in this morning.

If your back's bothering you,
we do have a masseuse on duty.

Fine. Anything.

Let's see, she just went in with
a patient about five minutes ago.

- So if you don't mind waiting...
- Thank you, that was great.

Good. Come back soon.

Soon? I'll be back after lunch.

- You next?
- Oh, please.

Let's go.

- What's this?
- Your cut.


- I am really sorry.
- Just drop it.

You know, in my defense...
Well, well, in the defense of all men...

...we do live in a mammo-centric


Another coinage of mine.

Hasn't really permeated
the cultural Zeitgeist.

Hey, bottle baby, I'm up here.

That perfectly illustrates my points.

From the moment we are born, we are
basically bombarded by breasts.

Breasts in advertising,
breasts in television, in movies.

Here a breast, there a breast,
everywhere a breast-breast.

Heck, you can understand
the fixation.

You're a horrible little man.

Okay, I had hoped that we could have
a spirited exchange of ideas here.

But if we are gonna just degenerate
into name-calling...

...we should wait for the principal to
decide what a reasonable punishment...

- ...for my son would be.
- Fine. We'll let the principal decide.


I'm Principal Gallagher.

Oh, God,
my boy's gonna get the chair.


Man, is this day ever gonna end?

Hey, Alan.

What's going on here?

I had another business idea.

- You what?
- Hear me out.

What do men like better
than doughnuts?

Hang on.


Four thousand two hundred,
4300, 301, 302...

I hate singles.
Don't you hate singles?

You turned my business
into a brothel.

I thought you'd be proud of me.
I didn't touch a single patient.

I left you alone
for a couple of hours...

...and you turned my business
into a brothel.

You know what you need?
A nice, relaxing massage.

Oh, shut up.

There is a happy ending here.

From what I saw,
there was like 40 of them.

And that's just what's on the books.

I don't want to know about it.
I never wanna know about it.

- Okay, we'll change the subject.
- Thank you.

- How did it go at Jake's school?
- I don't want to talk about it.

I never wanna talk about it.

- You screwed up, huh?
- Ln ways you can't imagine.

So he's expelled?

No, he's just suspended
for the week.

That's not so bad.
It's already Wednesday.

I have been asked never to set foot...

...on the grounds of Woodward
Avenue Elementary School.

- No kidding.
- And it was suggested...

...that I resign from the PT A.

And there's talk of a civil suit.

Principal Gallagher's lesbian lover...

...might just drop by tonight
to kick my ass.

Remind me to charge the camcorder.

Oh, click, another great business idea.

- I don't wanna hear it.
- Just listen.

We put a massage table
in the trunk of your car.

- Forget it, Charlie.
- We'd probably need a van.

- I'm not listening.
- Oh, come on.

Who needs their tension relieved
more than guys stuck in traffic?

We'll call it,
Bumper to Humper.

Speed Humps.

I got it. Jiffy Lube.

Oh, wait, somebody already has that.

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