Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 21 - And the Plot Moistens - full transcript

Jake's teacher tells his rioting parents his grades are hopeless, but at least he could get into some extracurricular activities, so they agree he'll audition to join the school's drama club's musical-cast. After Alan proposed a Gilbert and Sulivan monologue and Jake a pornographic rap, Charlie has the boy choose classic rock, but even by his standard Queens for piano and tonelessly howling treble just isn't the same. Charlie is proud when he hears Kandi's stupidity finally drove Alan to cheat on her, disappointed to hear it's only talking to Jake's teacher Francine, no sex, so when he's expected to lie fraternally he does more: Kandi is made to expect a diamond necklace, Francine to believe he's a hero in selfless charity...

English Subtitles.
Two and a Half Men S03E21 - And the Plot Moistens - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

Alan, do you ever fantasize
when we're making love?

Well, occasionally I pretend
that I'm better looking.

What about you?

Sometimes I imagine we're
in the middle of a big department store.

Having sex?

No, shopping.

Why would I fantasize about having sex
while I'm having sex?

Do you think about ham and cheese
when you're eating a sandwich?

Can't argue with that.

What you thinking?

Nothing really. I just...
I got a call from Jake's school today.

You know who called me?
Jessica Murray.

Oh, who's that?

A friend of mine.

Yeah, well...

Anyway, Jake's mom and I have to go to
a parent-teacher conference tomorrow...

...and I don't really know
what it's about.

Hey, do you ever pretend
your toes are little people?

What? No.

Sometimes I make believe they're
different families playing Family Feud.

All right, let's meet our champions.

He goes to market, she stays home,
please welcome the Piggy family.

Hi, everybody.

You' re going down Piggy family.
You're going down.

- Hey.
- Hey.

He's shooting 51 percent
from beyond the arc. That's pretty good.

How's it going?

Forget it, Alan.

I only do the apr?s-sex chat
with people I've just had sex with.

Come on. She's playing
Family Feud with her toes.

I don't care if she's playing banjo
with her nipples.

I need to communicate
after lovemaking. I need to share.

You should have thought of that
before boinking a girl...

...with the IQ of Tickle Me Elmo.


Hey, Berta. How's it going?

Back off, zippy.

You want pillow talk,
you gotta spoon me first.

I suppose I could talk about
his grades again...

...but I think we all agree
that ship has pretty much sailed.

So why did you wanna see us?

Well, I'm concerned
that even outside of the classroom...

...Jake has no interest in anything
that goes on around here.

Now, hang on. He speaks very highly
of your hot lunch program.

Well, I was talking more about hobbies
or extracurricular activities.

Well, I don't know about his father...

...but I've tried to share
some of my interests with him.

Unfortunately, he's a little young
to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

You know...

...I was kind of lacking in focus
when I was his age too...

...till I got bit by the old theater bug.

Too bad you didn't get bit
by the old rabid squirrel.

You know, I'm organizing
a drama club.

Would that be something
Jake would have any interest in...

...or do you think he gets
enough drama at home?

All the world's a stage.

And we are merely players.

Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.

She say what I'm in trouble for?


Boy, it's the not knowing
that drives you crazy.

Yeah, like a pregnancy test.


I don't get it.

Yes. In your face, Opie.

This game stinks.

No, you stink at it.

That was my lunch money.

Oh, your lunch money,
why didn't you tell me?

Boo-freaking-hoo. Pack a sandwich.

Okay, Jake, well, we talked
to Miss Sheffield.

I'm sorry.

- What are you sorry about?
- I'm...

I'm sorry I interrupted you. Go ahead.

It would be a good idea if you got
involved in extracurricular activities.

Oh, okay.

Great, great.
We'll talk about it at home.

Do you know
what an "extracurricular activity" is?

Who cares? I'm off the hook.

- What do you think?
- What was this all about?

- It's choreography.
- It's gay.

Forget about the movements.

- Just try singing the song.
- No.

- Why not?
- Because it's gay.

Don't encourage him.

Don't make him sing
Gilbert and Sullivan.

He needs something to audition for the
school musical. You teach him a song.

- Why don't you let him choose?
- Jake.

- Tell you uncle what you wanted to sing.
- It's called "Whup That Stanky Ho."

All right. There's gotta be
some middle ground here.

- You like classic rock, right?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, pick a band.

How about Queen?

Oh, good. I was afraid
he was gonna pick something gay.

Doesn't sound right.

You heard it too, huh?

- You sure you played all the right notes?
- Yes, I'm sure.

It doesn't sound anything like
Queen's version.

No, it doesn't.

Why don't you work on it.
We'll try again tomorrow.

Yeah, why don't I do that.

The kid's a double threat:

tone-deaf and arrogant.

- Hey.
- Where have you been?

Kandi called for you.

Oh, I had to work late.

Yeah, one of my regular patients
had a crisis.

His name is Roger, he had
a couple of vertebrae pinching a nerve.

- T oo bad.
- Nice guy, you'd like him.

He restores old cars. Well, it's
actually more a hobby than a job.

He works at Staples.
His name is Roger.

- Alan.
- Yeah?

Why are you lying to me?

I don't know. I really suck at it.

You do indeed.

Don't you care where I was?

Why would I start now?

Oh, come on, I really need to get this
off my chest.

All right, go ahead.

- I was with another woman.
- Okay, okay, see, that's a good lie.

No, no. I really was
with another woman.


You're already doing a hot 22-year-old
and you're cheating on her?


I am so proud of you.

- What?
- Who's the dog? My brother's the dog.

Come on, dog. Come on, dog.
Howl with me.

No, stop howling and let me explain.

There's nothing to explain.

You're sleeping with two women
at the same time. You're a big old dog.

No, I haven't been sleeping
with the other woman.

I've been seeing Jake's teacher.

All we do is talk.

I don't know how to explain it.
We have so much in common.

I mean, she's divorced.
She has a kid Jake's age.

She reads. She likes the theater.

Yeah, yeah. But you're not
sleeping with her?

- Why would I when I've got Kandi?
- I don't know. Because you can?

It's not that kind of a relationship.
It's intellectual.

So take her to a museum, enjoy
the exhibits and do her in the restroom.

- You're missing the point.
- No, you're missing the point.

Not getting laid, it's not cheating.

- Then why do I feel so guilty?
- That's easy. Because you're an idiot.

I guess I always thought that one woman
was supposed to fulfill all my needs.

Oh, that's an old wives' tale.

Started to protect the interests of,
you guessed it, old wives.

So you're saying the whole concept
of monogamy is a fraud.

- The institution of marriage is a sham?
- No, no, no.

I'm just saying, bang the teacher.

Why does he make everything
so complicated?

Here we go.


Very elegant use of my "under."

Thank you.

Boy. I have more vowels
than a Honolulu phone book.

You're so clever, Alan.

Thank you. You am smart too.

- Hey, Alan, can I talk to you for a sec?
- Sure. Excuse me.

Hurry back.

What's up?

- You tell me.
- Nothing, we're just playing Scrabble.

And you're right.

- There's nothing to feel guilty about.
- Good to know. Because Kandi's here.

Oh, okay.

It's not a problem.
Here's what we do.

- We?
- Come on, work with me.

You go cover for me with Kandi
and I'll get Francine the hell out of here.

But there was nothing
to feel guilty about.

You know that and I know that,
now go lie to Kandi about it.

Fine, I'll tell her you went to Staples
to see Roger.


- Hey, why don't we walk on the beach.
- What about the game?

Screw the game, I concede.
You win, well-played.

All right.

It is a beautiful night.

Yeah, yeah. Let's go enjoy it
on the beach. Chop-chop.

- Kandi?
- What?

Alan must have slipped out.

- You're lying to me, Charlie.
- No, I'm not.

Oh, okay.

Wait, wait. Don't you wanna know
where he is?

- Where who is?
- Alan.

Sure, why not.

All right. The truth is...

...Alan is out trying to find
the perfect gift for you.

- Really?
- Yes.

He wants to surprise you
with something extremely expensive.

Can you give me a hint?

Well, let's see.

It's something
that's a girl's best friend...

...and looks good
wrapped around their neck.

I'm getting a monkey?

No, no. Sweet Lord.

A diamond necklace.

That's nice too.

Just remember,
you didn't hear it from me.

Then who did I hear it from?


When he gives it to you,
act surprised.

Don't worry, I'll be really surprised.

Good. Good. Good.

So will he.

That's... That's... That's terrific.

- Do you wanna hear it again?
- No.

We don't want you
to strain your voice.

Do you think I'm gonna do okay
at the audition?

- You never know how these things go.
- Yeah.

Just hope I have
a decent piano player.

I thought you were working with him.
What's the problem?

Okay, there's a technical term
we musicians use.

Jake stinks.

Well, is there anything we can do?

We can hope "stinks"
suddenly becomes popular.

But I wouldn't count on it.

Oh, by the way, you need
to buy Kandi a diamond necklace.


You told me to cover.
I said you were out buying her jewelry.

That's all you could think of?

Well, I could think of a lot of things
but only one made me laugh.

I can't afford to buy her jewelry.

I know.

That's what makes it funny.

Must have been so expensive.


You do realize this entitles you
to extra-special bonus sex.

What is extra-special bonus sex?

It's whatever you want it to be.

That sounds like fun.

Go away.

Okay, I'll just play Scrabble
till you're ready.

Give me a sec.

Please don't tell me Francine is here.


Wait, wait, wait.

Francine is here?

- Yeah, you want me to cover for you?
- Yes.

I'm on it.

Wait. Charlie, I'm begging you.

No more jewelry.

Don't worry. It's not funny twice.

Sorry, he must have gone out.

Oh, okay. Tell him I stopped by.

Francine, wait.

I can't do this.

Do what?

I'm not a good liar.

I know where he is,
I'm just not supposed to tell you.

The thing is, Alan does
a lot of charity work.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Right now he's down
at the nursing home... sponge baths to old people.

They don't go out a lot
so they tend to get dusty.

I had no idea.

In fact, just the other night
he was down on skid row...

...teaching salsa dancing
to crack addicts.

Oh, my goodness.

They have the energy,
they just lack the focus.

But I think... I think what he's
proudest of is his work with the kids.

He takes runaways forced to live
on the streets...

...and teaches them how to live
in the woods.

I don't really see the point but those
little urchins seem to thrive in the wild.

It's like he's a saint.

You must be so proud to have him
as your brother.

Well, truth be told,
he does bring me a lot of joy.

Thank you for telling me this, Charlie.

You're welcome.

Just promise you won't
embarrass him bringing it up.

Not a word.
I just hope I can be worthy of him.

And the plot moistens.

Oh, that's terrific, buddy.
I am so proud of you.

Yeah, sure, I'll tell him.

Oh, all right. Love you. Bye-bye.

Guess what.

Jake just got the lead
in the school musical.

The lead?

What happened, did every other kid
in school get mono?

No, I think it was Francine.

I think she cast Jake
because of our relationship.

You mean it's gotten physical?
You're sleeping his way to the top?

No, no.
Nothing happened between us.

- But I think she's fallen for me.
- Really?

What makes you think that?

Well, I had lunch with her today
and she was looking at me with...

...I don't know...

...worship in her eyes.

Like I was some kind of...

- Saint?
- Yes, yes.

How did you know?

That's how I think of you.

Very funny. I've been
doing my best not to lead her on...

...but I guess I just underestimated
my allure.

Say that again.

- What?
- That last part.

You mean,
I underestimated my allure?

Yeah, that's it.

I'm sorry, am I missing something?

No, not a thing.

Well, good.

You see, Alan. That's how you lie.

Pretty exciting, huh? Opening night.

Well, having seen the previews,
I'm betting closing night too.

Boy, this brings back memories.

Sixth grade was the happiest
two years of my life.

It's the finger.

Excuse me.

So, Kandi, what's your
favorite musical?

The trombone.

I can't believe you brought her here.

I had to, Jake invited her.

Is that a diamond necklace?
You never gave me a diamond necklace.

Yeah, well, you never gave me
extra-special bonus sex.

- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi.

- Who's this?
- This? Oh, this is Kandi.

Hi, I'm with Alan.

Are you one of those young people
he takes care of?

Yep, yep, yep. Good old Saint Alan.
Just can't do enough for the kids.

Look at this diamond necklace
he gave me.

He gave you a diamond necklace?

Don't get the wrong idea,
it wasn't to get me to have sex.

I was already doing
everything he wanted.

I am as shocked as you are.

What was that about?

Funny story. I'll tell you later.

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