Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 14 - Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded - full transcript

As Charlie tries to receive his version of benefits from the relationship he has with Mia, Alan starts dating Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend.

English Subtitles.
Two and a Half Men S03E14 - Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

This is such a beautiful sunset.


Thanks? You're taking credit
for the sunset?

No, not... Not the sunset per Se.

But I did buy a house on the beach... we can stand here
and watch the sunset... thanks.

Your house works with
a lot of women, doesn't it?

Honestly, it's like a G-spot
with two mortgages.

Just so you know, I'm not with you
for your house or your money.

So it's the car.

Why would I care about your car?

It's an $80,000 Mercedes.

Yeah, so? What does it do
that other cars don't do?

It costs $80,000.

Hey, I almost forgot.
I have something for you.

Charlie, you don't have
to buy me expensive jewelry.

Okay, nothing but cheap crap
from now on.

It's beautiful.

Read the inscription.

"One month, two weeks, four days."
What does it mean?

Well, since we decided to go ahead and
consummate our relationship finally...

...I thought I should honor the time
we've already spent together.

In a committed relationship.

Without any sex whatsoever.

So unless we have sex
before midnight...'re gonna need to buy
a new bracelet?

You're pretty sure of yourself.

Well, since you went to all the trouble
to engrave it...

Don't even ask what I used
as a chisel.

- Kandi.
- Hello, Alan.

Is Charlie available?
Because I wish to speak with him.

Okay, why don't you just wait here...

...and I'll let him know.

I would be immensely appreciative
if you would.


What the hell does... this mean?

- I was sending you a message.
- What?

That you're a woman trapped
in a man's body?

- Kandi's here.
- And you want me to call you Kandi?

No, Kandi, the girl you were seeing
before Mia.

She's been calling here for days.

It's time you let her know
you're with another woman.

Yeah, Charlie, after all it's been
"one month, two weeks, four days."

Did you know that Alan's
a woman trapped in a man's body?

So you gonna go talk
to your ex-girlfriend?

Okay, first of all, sweetheart...

...she's not really an ex-girlfriend.

Her name's Kandi.

Thanks, Alan.

With a K.

- Alan.
- And an l.

So if Kandi with a K and an I
isn't your ex-girlfriend, then what is she?

Well, l... I... I would say
she's more of a person...

...who would drop by
from time to time and...

Yeah, that.

Why haven't you told this person
that you're in a relationship?

Her name's Kandi.

Boy, you're on thin ice.

I think we both know
why you didn't tell her.

Well, if that's the case,
then this discussion is moot.

We should go upstairs
while Alan goes back...

...and lies about my whereabouts.

Well, I'm not half the liar you are,
but I'll give it a shot.

Shall we go upstairs
and continue this conversation?

Are you out of your freaking mind?

Okay, you're mad, I get that.

- So?
- Well, Kandi, it's like this.

Charlie's with another woman.

Don't lie to me, Alan.


He's in Africa...

...working as a scrub nurse
for Doctors Without Borders.

Story of my life.

That's the story of your life?

It's not always a scrub nurse...

...but it's always Africa.

Before you say anything,
I want you to know...

...I've anticipated problems like this.
Look on the other side of the bracelet.

"I'm very, very sorry."

Problem is, Charlie, that you don't
believe in this relationship.

Not believe in it?

It's kept me from having sex
for over six weeks.

It would be like not believing
in a serious groin pull.

- You know what Kandi is?
- I try not to judge.

She's a lifeboat. You're keeping
a lifeboat for when this ship sinks.

Hey, hey, hey, lifeboats
don't mean you expect...

...the ship to sink.
The relationship, if I may.

What they mean is that you have
a healthy respect...

...for the power of the sea.

Are you listening to yourself?

Yeah, I just caught the last part.
Not well thought out. No.

All my life guys have looked at me
like I'm just some kind of sex toy.

Well, they're wrong.

Yeah, just because you're good
at something...

...doesn't mean you
should be pigeonholed.

And the only reason
I'm so good at it... because I practice.

Of course,
all the practice in the world...

...isn't gonna help if you don't
love what you're doing.

What do you want me to do, Mia?

Call every woman I've known... announce I'm now
in a relationship?

Hi, Shirley, this is Charlie Harper.

We met at Disneyland
about 22 years ago.

Yeah, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
That was me.

Anyway, I thought you should know
I have a girlfriend now.

So I'd appreciate it if you
didn't call me. Okay, bye-bye.

Well, that takes care of Shirley.
Now, what about Kandi?

You want me to tell her?
Fine. I'll tell her.

I'll go tell her right now.

But before I cut
her loose completely...

...let me float a crazy idea by you.

Sort of a win, win, win.

Are you out of your freaking mind?

It was worth a shot.

Kandi, before you say anything,
I want you to know...

...I'm in a committed relationship now
and I'm really in love with this woman.

She's the best thing
that's happened to me...

...and I can't imagine
being with anyone else.

Now, sweetheart.

Don't cry.
I'm sure you'll find someone else.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

I thought we were going upstairs.

Okay, you're still mad. I get that.

- I made your bed.
- Thank you.

It's been real easy lately.

How nice for you.

You haven't even been flying solo,
have you?

That's a little personal.

Hey, you want privacy,
wash your own sheets.

Once I get my mitts on them,
they're in the public domain.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

- How did it go with Mia last night?
- Based on his laundry, not well.

- Why don't you tell the neighbors?
- Where do you think I'm going?

By the way,
thanks for getting rid of Kandi for me.

Hey, I'm your brother.
I got your back.

Good to know.

Hey, as long as we're on the subject,
I was wondering.

Since you're swimming in
Lake Monogamy, as it were...

...would you mind if I, you know...

- ...asked Kandi out sometime?
- Go for it.

- Just wanted to make sure you're okay.
- I'm fine.

- Don't want you to feel weird.
- Thanks for your consideration.

Morning, Huggy Bear.

So, Kandi, wanna go out sometime?

Okay, I want you to know
I tracked down Kandi.

I told her to move on and she has.

So I got no lifeboats,
no life preservers, no water wings.

If the ship goes down,
I'm going down with it.

So there's no longer any reason to
put off you and me getting naked.

Charlie, I'd like you
to meet my parents.


What if Dad says I could stay up
to watch it?

He won't.

How do you know?

Your father and I talk, so don't
try to play us against each other.

I gotta try, it's what I do.


Hello. Is Alan here?

Father Huggy Bear.

Yes, my child?

- You've got company.
- Alan?

- Stall them, stall them, stall them.
- Okay.

You must be Jake.

And you must be Jake's grandma.

Judith, hi.

Go watch some cartoons.

- Okay.
- Cool.

- Are you proud of yourself?
- What do you mean?

Oh, please,
she has to be half your age.

Oh, that.

Yeah, I am pretty proud of that.

What could you possibly
have in common?

- What do you talk about?
- Talk?

To tell you the truth, we haven't
really done a lot of talking.

I mean, I did hear her confession.

She's been a very bad girl.

I'm supposed to leave Jake here?

What kind of message does
that send him?

I don't know.
Dreams can come true.

Life is beautiful. There is a God.

Hey, Judith. Father.

I suppose you're the one that
introduced Alan to that slutty little...

Don't say it, Judith.
You'll just be demeaning all women.

And yes.

Figures. Well, I don't want
her around my son.

Oh, really? So do I get to screen
the men that you're dating?

Let's not forget about the guy
who delivered the truckload of sod.

- What about him?
- Lt doesn't take two months... put down a new lawn, Judith.

Sounds like she got laid
before the sod did.

I'm not gonna dignify that
with a response.

Watch out for crab grass.

So, what's Kandi, a nun?

Catholic school girl.

Oh, excellent choice.

Oh, hey, how...?
How are things with Mia?

Not bad. She forgives me.
Introduced me to her parents.

Oh, yeah? How did that go?

Well, you know,
those things are always awkward.

The big news is I'm taking Mia
to the Bel Air Hotel tonight...

...where we will express our love
in the way that we were meant to.

- Drunk and in a hurry?
- You got it.

- How's the caviar?
- It's perfect.

Everything's perfect.

- Would you like a fire?
- Don't go to any trouble.

It's no trouble.

Luckily I was a Boy Scout
in Beverly Hills.

- Champagne?
- No, thanks.

I wanna be completely present
for the first time we make love.

Good for you.

Don't you want to be present?

Well, within reason.

Come on.

What do you say
we save the champagne?

But I already opened it.

Do you need alcohol
to make love to me?

No, no.

I don't need it.

Well, then.

Is something wrong?

I don't know.

I mean, we didn't hop into bed
on the first date.

We've gotten to know each other.
We're not drinking.

It's all so new to me.

That's what makes it special.

I just don't want either of us
to be disappointed...

...because one of us might not be...

...throwing their A-game tonight.

- Are you nervous?
- No, no. Of course not.

But, you know, of the two of us,
only one can fake an A-game.

There's nothing that you could do
to disappoint me tonight.

No, no, it's what I can't do
that might disappoint you.

You just relax. I'll be right back.


Why don't you put some music on?


- Should I ask?
- I wish you wouldn't.

I'm not supposed to play this
because my mom says it's too violent.

It has to be violent.

You can't negotiate with zombies.

- Don't tell me, tell her.
- I don't think she likes me.

She doesn't really like anybody.

Except the guy who keeps
putting grass in our backyard.

Okay, time for bed.

- Just a little longer.
- I'm not sleepy.

No, him.

I get to stay up.

- That's not fair.
- Jake.

Just because she's a girl.

- Wanna play?
- Oh, no, thanks.

I... I thought maybe we could just talk.

Hang on. Let me just saw off
this zombie's head.

Good Lord.

There we go.

Now, let me save my work.

Okay, all done.

Wanna have sex?

Actually, I do.

But maybe we could spend a little time
getting to know each other first.

All right.

What do you wanna know?

Well, do you have
any brothers or sisters?

I do not. How about you?

Well, Charlie.

Oh, right, Charlie.

- Do you like to read?
- Oh, yeah, I love reading.

Oh, great, great, me too.
Read anything good lately?

You mean like books and magazines...

...not billboards
and text messages, right?

- Yeah.
- Then, no.

Do menus count?

Are you ready for me?

Mia, if I were any more ready,
I'd be done.

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. You okay?

- I think so.
- Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you okay?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

But I think that's enough foreplay.

You see, the thing for me was
that I never should have gotten married.

I was young,
I didn't know who I was.

And to be completely honest,
I was just afraid of being alone.

Can I share something with you?

Yes, please. This is communicating,
this is how we connect.

You shouldn't tell people that stuff,
it makes you sound like a loser.

No, it makes me sound like
a real human being.

A person with feelings and flaws.


- Why don't we just go have sex?
- Finally.

Oh, cheer up.

It wasn't that bad.

There were parts of it that I liked.

Can we please not go over
the game film now?

- What's the big deal?
- What's the big deal?

This is supposed to be the part
that I'm good at.

You are.

It was fine.

I don't wanna hear fine.

I wanna see the top of
your head blow off.

It's not a carnival game.

The object is not to swing
your mallet and ring my bell.

Well, we disagree.

That's just your ego talking.

Charlie, listen to me.

I love you, not your money or car
or your house or your skills in bed.

What's left?

- Charlie.
- Oh, come on. Come on.

You're saying that if I was some
pencil-weenie guy living in a shack...

...and taking the bus to my job selling
oranges on the freeway off-ramp...

-'d still love me?
- Yes, I would still love you.

- Okay, I understand now.
- Good.

You're insane.

Why? Because I love the real you?

No, no, because you think
there is a real me.

Would you believe I love you
if my eyes had rolled back...

...and my head had blown off?

It would be a start.

All right. I guess we're just
gonna have to try again.

Hang on. Hang on.

How am I gonna know
you're not faking it?

If I was gonna fake it, don't you think
I would have done it the first time?

Fair enough.

- Hey, wanna hear something amusing?
- Always.

According to my girlfriend...

...underneath all the superficial,
cool stuff in my life...

...there's actually a real me.

- No kidding?
- Apparently, he's quite a guy.

I'd like to meet him sometime.

Don't hold your breath.

My girlfriend, on the other hand,
has no idea who I really am...

...damn little desire to find out...

...and is only interested in
riding me like a mustang...

...and draining me of all bodily fluids.

How do you feel about that?

I think I love her.

You know what... isn't blind, it's retarded.

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