Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 7 - A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana - full transcript

- Hey, look who's here.
- Hey, Dad.

Aren't you gonna kiss me goodbye?

Apparently not.

Do you see how rude he is to me?

It's terrible. I'll talk to him.

- I wish you would because... Wait, Alan!
- Oh, oh, sorry.

Alan, have you been badmouthing me?

- Badmouthing you? To whom?
- To Jake.

Oh, to Jake. No.

- Why?
- His attitude towards me is disrespectful.

I have to wonder
where he's getting it from.



I assure you, I make it a point
to speak well of you in front of our son.

What about your brother?

Oh, with Charlie,
I'm completely honest.

That is not what I meant.

I know.

Hey, Judith.

Have you said derogatory things
about me to Jake?

No, why? Did you want me to?

I don't understand his behavior.

Ignoring me, avoiding me,
acting like I'm the enemy.

But you get why I'm doing it, right?

I got it!

I don't know what to say.
He's not getting it from us.

- Absolutely not.
- It's your mother!



- You talk to her.
- No, I talked last time.

- Choose you for it.
- Odds.

One, two, three, shoot.

- Odds. You talk to her.
- No.

- Hey, but you said you were gonna...
- I lied.

Leave a message at the beep. Beep!

I wish there were a better way
to deal with Mom.

There is, but we're both
too pretty for jail.

- What?
- What?

Mom's here.

Charlie, did you hear me?

Yeah, I just prefer to live in denial.

Come on.

We talked about this.
We need to set an example.

Fine, tell Mom I love her and...
I don't wanna give her my cold.

That is not going to help.

Well, you gotta say it in front of Jake.

No. Here is the plan.

We'll stop acting
like we hate being with her...

...stop taking shots at her, and start
acting like we love and respect her.

- All at once?
- Come on.

Your Uncle Charlie thinks
I don't see him...

...but Grandmommy sees everything.

Mom, we didn't expect
to see you today.

I have to come unannounced
because when I call first...

...there's no one home
when I get here.

I imagine that's only because
my cowardly sons are trying to avoid me.

She's ruining the plan.

Well, the important thing is we're
all here, and we're happy to see you.

- Right, Charlie?
- Oh, happy isn't the word.

- So, what's new, Mom?
- Well, if you really care...

- We do, we do.
- We do.

Next Sunday,
I am receiving my gold blazer...

...from the
Westside Realtor's Association.

- I am so proud of you.
- That's great.

Me too, Mom.

It's the highest honor
the real-estate community can bestow.

- I am so proud of you.
- That's great.

Me too, Mom.

So I wanted to talk to you
about the presentation ceremony.

We'll be there.
Tell us where and when.

Well, next Sunday, 5:00.
And I was hoping we could have it here.

- Here?
- Why here?

- I mean, we love and respect you...
- But why here?

This isn't really
a good house for parties.

- Yeah, it's so big and close to the ocean.
- Yeah.

Come on. I can't very well
throw a party for myself.

This way everyone will get to see
how much my sons love and respect me.

Anyway, here is the guest list,
and also a suggested menu.

Nothing fancy. Cocktails, buffet.

Any questions?

- No.
- Good.

Okay.

Big kiss. Love you all.

- Love you too, Mom.
- Bye, Grandma.

Relatives, huh?

Can't live with them,
can't turn them in for the reward.

Excuse me, Berta, but we happen
to love our mother very much.

- Right, Charlie?
- Right.

Jake, look.
There's a pelican on the deck.

Oh, cool.

Are you happy?

Now we have to throw a party
for your crazy-ass mother.

- She's your mother too.
- How do you know?

- I could've been adopted.
- You wish.

I do. Now, what about
this stupid party?

Here. Maybe this'll help.

"Daisy's Fishing Tackle and Live Bait"?

Turn it over.

"Daisy's Classy Catering."

She's my sister. Her husband left.
I'm trying to get her back on her feet.

She runs a catering business
and a bait shop?

Not at the same time.

There's no pelican.

Hey, you Charlie?

Maybe.

- Who's asking?
- I'm Daisy, the caterer.

Your Berta's sister?

Same mom. Dad's a little iffy.

Berta said if I wanted a shot
of your bourbon, I had to ask you.

- Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.
- Thanks.

I don't usually drink before noon,
but I'm going through a rough patch.

Well, that's why they make bourbon.

My husband left me for another woman.
You know how I found out?

- To tell you the truth...
- Relax. It's rhetorical.

They waved to me as they drove
my house out of the trailer park.

- That's sad.
- Yeah.

I had that doublewide 11 years.

Larry was with me for four.

Six months of those were house arrest,
so you can't give him credit for that.

You know,
I haven't gotten up to pee yet.

Let me tell you something.

Larry was nothing when I met him.

He was working at some kosher
slaughterhouse out in Fontana...

...before they fired him
for being mean to the cattle.

What?

The Jewish laws dictate that
the animals have to be treated kindly...

...before they get whacked.

Larry would taunt them.

"Hey, hamburger,
guess what's gonna happen to you."

Anyway, I picked him up off his sorry,
unemployed ass.

I gave him hair plugs,
contact lenses, teeth.

The bastard dumped me for this tiny,
little Korean manicurist...

...who huffs nail-polish remover
between appointments.

Well, you give a guy hair and teeth,
he's bound to hook up with trash.

No, she was pretty hot.

She had a spray-on tan,
Botox up the yin-yang.

Couldn't tell if she was 20 or 60.

- Daisy!
- In here!

What the hell are you doing?

Relax. It's not what you think.
We're just having a drink.

Good idea.

You listen to me.
Just because I got us this job...

...doesn't mean
I'm cooking by myself.

I'm coming down there.

And don't act like you're doing me
some big favor.

Oh, excuse me for trying to help
my broke, homeless, baby sister.

I'm not homeless. I have a home.
I just don't know where it's parked.

I wouldn't be broke if you'd have
paid me my share of Mama's estate.

What estate? It was a shoebox...

...full of corn pads,
used lottery tickets and insulin.

It's the first I'm hearing
about the insulin.

Excuse me, but shouldn't we be,
you know...

...cooking something
for my mother's party?

Hang on, Charlie.

You know, I am sick of you insinuating
that I stole all that crap Mama left me.

She didn't leave it to you. You were just
the first one back after she flatlined.

Oh, and where were you?
At some ashram in Oregon?

I was learning from my guru
how to channel my spirit guide.

Oh, please. You were humping
a defrocked priest in the woods.

How about stuffed mushrooms?
Everybody loves those.

You know, that's your problem
your whole life.

You chase after losers,
take care of them, fix them up...

...and then they hop on
the first manicurist out of town.

You're jealous because
I've had love in my life.

Yeah? You know what you got
in your life now? Squat.

No husband, no one to do your nails,
and blocks where your house used to be.

I swear to God. One more word and
I'm gonna knock you on your keister!

- Okay, okay, there's no reason...
- Squat!

- That's it!
- Whoa, whoa, no!

No, whoa! Stop! Berta!

Berta!

Give me the rolling pin.

Is there a special place
you'd like me to put it?

I don't know what else
you want from me. I took you in.

Gunther's in the garage,
so you can have the couch.

You spoil that dog.
Anyway, I'm staying at a motel tonight.

Good idea. Maybe you'll meet
your next husband on the walk there.

- Can I have one of these?
- No.

I am just trying to be a good sister.

No, you're trying
to make me feel like crap.

It's what you always do.

- So I can eat this?
- No.

- Let him have one.
- You don't know this kid.

He never stops at one.
He eats like a refugee.

- Eat it.
- Drop it.

Hey, how's it going?

Not good.

Nice move, Tinkerbell.

- Shut your hole and help me pick this up.
- You pick it up.

I'm going outside to meditate.

- What's going on?
- I'll tell you what's going on.

You wanted that clown
to be nice to his mother.

But did you think to say to him,
"Clown, be nice to your mother"?

No, we had to throw a big party
for our mother...

...catered by
the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

That's it. I can't work like this.

Well, you have to, Berta.

We've got 50 people coming
in a couple of hours.

- Don't tell me. Tell her.
- Fine.

Watch this.

Hey! I'm meditating here!

Jake, let's go pick up Grandma.

- Charlie, you're in charge.
- The hell I am.

- Why pick her up?
- Grandma likes to drink.

- When grownups drink, they don't drive.
- Good thing Uncle Charlie lives here.

So, good luck. I'll see you tomorrow.

No, wait. Berta, you can't leave.

Don't worry. Your deposit's fully
refundable in fishing tackle or live bait.

I don't want a refund.

I want you to make up with Daisy...

...so when my mother gets here, she'll
have something to eat besides my soul.

Make up with her?
For what? Trying to help her?

Trying to keep her from making
the same stupid mistake again?

Yeah, sure, fine, whatever. Just do it!

No, I'm done with her. I quit.

Berta... Berta, you can't quit being
related to somebody.

Believe me, I've tried.

She is a spoiled, little princess...

...who doesn't know
when somebody's trying to help.

- And you know what else?
- Hold on, hold on.

I'm still trying to wrap
my brain around "little princess."

Ever since Mom spit her out,
she got everything she wanted.

"We don't need to fix Berta's teeth,
Daisy needs singing lessons."

"Why spend money
on a prom dress for Berta...

...when Daisy needs tap shoes?"
- That's rough, but...

"Who cares if Berta needs
her spine straightened?"

"Daisy wants a nose job!"

What if you went ahead and made
a couple dozen of those little egg rolls?

"So what if Berta's got
an extra big toe?"

- Mom?
- Oh, hello, boys.

Why aren't you dressed?
We came to pick you up.

So you can drink.

Oh, yes, well,
I've decided to pass on the party.

What? You can't pass.

We've got people coming,
decorations, caterers.

And that's how you're dressed?

Beats the hell out of a bathrobe.

- Why don't you wanna go to your party?
- Please, it isn't a party.

It's a sham.
None of those people are my friends.

Why would you think that?

Believe it or not, Alan, your mother is
a very sensitive woman...

...and I can feel when people around me
know that I hate them.

Why did you want us
to throw the party?

Oh, why does anyone want a party?

To feel superior
while feigning humility.

Don't touch that, Jake.

Let me tell you something.

The way you treat people
is the way they treat you back.

Miserable bastards.

But putting that aside,
you're getting a gold jacket today...

...and we wanted
to share that with you.

Is that what it takes? I have to win an
award for my sons to notice I'm alive?

Okay, you know what?
Go, don't go. I don't care.

If you wanna sit here
and stew in the venom and bile...

...that is the soup of your being,
then fine. I hope you drown in it.

Don't you ever talk
to your mother this way.

Forget the party.
I'll go back and tell those people...

...that the guest of honor could not
be bothered to show up.

- Come on, Jake.
- Oh, dear Lord.

Alan, wait.

If this silly, little party
means that much to you, I'll go.

Just let me get dressed.

Oh, gee. Thanks, Mom.

God, I hate being guilted
into doing things.

And after all that, the loans,
the bail, the kidney I gave her...

...which even though it wasn't mine,
was still money out of pocket...

...did she appreciate my sacrifices?

I'm guessing no.

She threw them away on chasing
after men with drinking problems...

...men with gambling problems,
men with wooden legs and glass eyes.

You wanna know why?

Spare parts?

Low self-esteem.

I remember
when we were little girls...

...she had this crush
on our cousin Jimmy...

- He wasn't really our cousin. He was...
- Stop, please! Enough.

If you won't talk to her, I will.

Finally. I was running out of stories.

Daisy?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Daisy is no longer inhabiting
this earthly vessel.

Excuse me?

I am Oxyquatzal,
warrior priestess of the Aztec people.

Okay.

Let me ask you something.

Do you know how to make
those little hot dogs wrapped in pastry?

Listen carefully.
I have a message for Daisy.

- Really?
- She's wandered off the path of destiny.

She must return.

Alrighty, is there a number
where she can reach you?

Tell her to follow her bliss...

...to stop squandering
the gifts of the Great Spirit.

- Got it.
- Do you need to write that down?

No, I got it. Path, bliss, spirit.

- Great Spirit.
- Sorry. "Great Spirit."

- Anything else?
- No, that's it.

- What do you want?
- You're screwing with me, right?

Get out of here.
I'm trying to channel my spirit guide.

OxyContin?

Oxyquatzal. How do
you know about her?

Oh, boy.

Berta!

Was Oxyquatzal here?
What did she say?

She said that the guests
are gonna be here soon...

...so you should make up
with your sister and finish cooking.

No, she didn't.

How do you know?

Oxyquatzal is a 500-year-old
Aztec warrior.

Do you think she really cares
about your dumb-ass party?

Everybody likes a party.

What did she really say, Chachi?

She said that you have strayed from
your path and to follow your bliss...

...which is catering, right?
- No, I never liked catering.

I only got into it because the bait
business was so damn competitive.

What else?

Something about squandering
the gifts of the Great Spirit.

Oh, man, that is heavy.

For an ancient chick,
she is so spot on.

Well, no sense crying over
squandered gifts.

What do you say
we go to the kitchen?

What's the point?
My life is hopeless. My dreams are dead.

Yeah, but what if they weren't?

- What do you mean?
- Oh, I don't know.

What if there was some way
I could help you?

You think you could whip up
some rumaki then?

You don't even know
what my dreams are.

Oh, come on. Work with me, baby.
I don't even know what rumaki is!

Oh, gosh, Alan,
I don't know about this.

- Is my hair all right?
- Mom, your hair looks perfect.

You're impeccably dressed,
you're fashionably late...

...and everybody is waiting for you.

So, now, come on, let's walk in there
and rub their noses in your success.

Well, all right.

- Alan.
- What?

You're blocking me.

Rumaki?

I will never, ever forgive you for this.

One thing. One lousy thing I ask
from my sons, and this is what I get.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Not only was I roundly ignored
at my own party...

...but I listened
to a disturbed caterer belt out...

...the entire score
of La Cage aux Folles.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

You should be sorry.

We are.

Then say it.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

Hello?

Jake, honey, ready to go home?

Mom, you're here. I love you.

Wonderful. Teach him sarcasm.
Thank you very much.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.