Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 5 - Bad News from the Clinic - full transcript

- Have any homework this weekend?
- A little.

Why don't you
get started on it tonight.

But it's only Friday.

I know, but if you do it tonight,
you won't worry.

I'm not worried.

Hey. What are you guys up to tonight?

- Jake's gonna do his homework.
- Why?

It's only Friday.

Let me tell you something
about Charlie.

He was a lousy student. He always
put off doing his homework...

...and his grades reflected it.
- Seems like he's doing okay now.



- Go get your books.
- I left my books at Mom's.

- Fine. I'll have her bring them over.
- Okay. They're in my bag.

Go get them.

Okay. Well, don't wait up.

- Pretty confident, huh?
- Yeah.

Thus, the "don't wait up."

Didn't you meet this girl
a couple of days ago?

Yup. So tonight's the night.
You know, the three-day rule.

That's the three-date rule.

Three dates? That's crazy talk.

All right. If you bring her
back here, please be discreet.

Don't worry.
First night's always at her place.

- Is that another rule?
- No. It's just a common courtesy.

A woman's more relaxed and
comfortable in her own surroundings.



Plus, the minute she falls asleep,
I can hit the bricks.

That's lovely. It's a shame
you don't work for Hallmark.

Yeah, I'll bet those guys
get laid like crazy.

- Goodnight, buddy.
- Night.

What happened
to my chicken nuggets?

What are you talking about?
You ate them.

Now, stop procrastinating
and do your homework.

What does procrastinating mean?

It means putting off stuff
that you have to do.

- Can you use it in a sentence?
- I just did.

Oh, yeah.

Did I tell you a bug
flew in my ear today?

Charlie?

- You asleep?
- What? No.

No. You?

Listen, I have to
get up early tomorrow, so...

- You want me to leave?
- Do you mind?

No, I'm cool either way:
Stay or go.

Okay.

So I'm going?

Thanks, you're a doll.

You know, I actually prefer
waking up in my own bed.

Personal little quirk.

- You don't mind, right?
- Not at all.

Good.

So this worked out well
for all concerned, huh?

It was fantastic.
We'll have to do it again.

Absolutely.

- But not tonight?
- No.

- Okay. Well, I'll call you.
- It's probably easier if I call you.

Sure. Either way.

- I call you, you call me.
- I'll call you.

Good.

- So I guess I'll just let myself out.
- Okay.

Sherri, you asleep?

Finally.

- How was school this week?
- Okay.

- Any homework for the weekend?
- Nope.

- Really?
- Okay, yes.

Do we have to go through this
every Friday?

I'd rather we didn't.

Curly fries.

When I was your age,
we didn't even have curly fries.

We had to make do
with straight or crinkle cut.

- What?
- I'm just trying to distract you...

...while I steal your fries.
- Hey.

Jake, don't be selfish.
Let him have one.

So no date tonight?

I thought
I'd just hang with you guys.

- What about that girl you're seeing?
- Sherri? I'm playing that slow.

Really? Do you mean
at a leisurely pace...

...or as if you were
developmentally challenged?

Oh, aren't you clever? Bite me.

Alan, most beautiful women
are used to guys...

...chasing after them. They expect it.

Squeeze a little more ketchup on it,
would you, buddy?

However, if you hang back
and stay cool...

...the women come to you.

Well, not to you specifically,
but you get the theory.

Yeah, I'm not stupid.
Just physically repellent...

...and inherently unlovable.

Don't get snippy with me.
I'm trying to teach you something.

Hey, I agreed to one.

If you're finished with dinner,
get started on homework.

I'm still hungry. He ate all my fries.

You can have ice cream
when you've done your homework.

Isn't that procrastinating?

Go.

Man, that kid guards his plate
like a one-armed inmate, doesn't he?

Hello? Oh, hey, Sherri.

How's it going?

Tonight? No, I'm sorry, I can't.
I've already got plans.

How about tomorrow night?
Oh, you've got plans.

Okay. Well, Sunday?

Monday?

What about Tuesday?
You know what?

I'm looking at the wrong month
in my date book. Tonight works.

How about I pick you up at 8?

Okay, I'll meet you at 7.

How about Antonio's?

The Oak Room it is.

See you soon.

- What just happened?
- You were playing it slow.

- Everything okay?
- No, perfect, Stephan. Thanks.

Always good to see you.

I liked it too.

So you must be a regular here.

Yeah. Food's good
and I bring a lot of clients.

Speaking of which,
it's getting kind of late.

- I've got an early meeting tomorrow.
- I'll get the check.

I already took care of it.

- When?
- You were in the little boys' room.

- That's not right.
- It's fine. I asked you out. No big deal.

No, you shouldn't call it
"the little boys' room."

- Sorry.
- You're forgiven.

So we can just go.

If it's okay,
I wanna go back to my place.

Oh, great. I'll follow you.

I don't think so, Charlie.
I'm kind of tired.

Okay. Well, how about this?

I'll drive you home, carry you upstairs,
tuck you into bed...

...kiss you good night, and just
as you're drifting off to sleep...

...I will lick your body
from head to toe.

Lovely as that sounds,
I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

Okay. Yeah, I guess
it is getting kind of late.

- It's almost 9.
- Thanks for understanding.

- Sure. Hey, we're okay, right?
- Yeah.

- Did I say something to upset you?
- No.

- Are you mad at me?
- No.

- Promise?
- Yes.

Do I sound like a big old girl?

Why didn't you do this part?

That's extra credit.
You don't have to do it.

- Why don't you do it anyway?
- Because I don't have to.

It shows that you're willing
to make an extra effort.

But I'm not.

- Do it anyway.
- Why?

If you spent as much time
doing the work...

...as you do arguing about it,
we'd be done.

I am done. This is extra.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You're home early.

Alan, if you got something to say...

...why don't you just
come out and say it?

You're home early?

Yeah, that's smart. Keep pushing me.

- Did you see that?
- Yeah, he took my ice cream.

Hey, neighbor.

Hi, Rose.

- Didn't you have dessert with Sherri?
- How did you know I was with Sherri?

Oh, Charlie, you still don't get me,
do you?

- So do you wanna talk about it?
- No.

She probably just had
to get up early, like she said.

Probably.

Unless her real date
didn't start until later...

...and she just didn't wanna eat alone.

What?

Oh, come on, Charlie.
Double-booking.

You practically invented it.

No, she wouldn't do that to me.
Why would she do that to me?

Did she do that to me?
She did that to me, didn't she?

- Excuse me?
- Sorry.

I was just taking
a little selfish delight in your pain.

The Germans call it "schadenfreude"...

...but here in the U.S.A.,
we just go:

- Thanks.
- Oh, Charlie...

...you don't need a girl like that.
You could do so much better.

You're right. I can.

She doesn't call
when she says she will.

She won't let me sleep over.
She's obviously seeing other guys.

So why can't I get her
out of my head?

Okay, that's not where I was going,
but let's review:

She's gorgeous,
but she's also self-centered...

...she's promiscuous,
she's commitment-phobic...

- Oh, my God.
- What?

I'm dating myself.

No wonder the sex is so good.

Trust me. You'll feel better
having this done.

- We'll have the weekend to have fun.
- What if we don't have fun?

Then all this studying
will be for nothing.

That's just a risk we'll have to take.

Now, what year did Magellan
circumnavigate the globe?

- It's not gonna be on the test.
- Maybe not.

It wouldn't hurt
for you to know it.

Why would I wanna know
something I don't have to?

Because maybe you'll need
to know it in the future.

Well, then, that's when I'll learn it.

Why can't you just learn it now?

There's only
so much space in my brain...

...that if you put Magellan in there,
I might forget my locker combination.

- Charlie, help me out here.
- What?

Jake doesn't think he needs
to know anything about Magellan.

What's Magellan?

Okay, I'm out of here.
Won't be late.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Bad news from the clinic?

No. I'm just taking
Sherri out for a nice dinner...

...after which I plan to
gently but firmly...

...extricate myself
from the relationship.

So she got bad news from the clinic?

There's no bad news.
There's no clinic.

- I'm just ending it.
- Why?

Because she's a self-centered,
manipulative narcissist.

So are you.

Hello.

He said "narcissist."

It's not a dirty word.

What does it mean?

If you wanna know,
look it up in the dictionary.

Okay.

He's not coming back.

- Thank you, Steven.
- It's "Stephan."

Sure, it is.

Listen, Sherri, we need to talk.

- You're a terrific woman, but...
- You look so hot tonight.

Really?

- That was incredible.
- Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

It's funny how things work out.

An hour ago I wasn't
feeling too good about us.

I gotta get up
early again tomorrow.

So if you don't mind...

There you go, Elvis.
Peanut butter and bananas.

- My mom cuts it diagonally.
- Yeah?

Well, that's the way
I learned to cut it in prison.

Thank you?

Alan, got a riddle for you:

What's short, picky and only
supposed to be here on weekends?

I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

I know. I know.
His mother decided...

...she had to go to Palm Springs
to rejuvenate herself.

Detox?

No, a health spa.
Six hundred dollars a day...

...for meditation and colonics.

How in the hell do you meditate...

...when someone's
squirting water up your business?

I don't think they
happen simultaneously, Berta.

That's good, because
it could be very distracting.

I can't even pee
when the cat's watching me.

Nobody answer the phone!

Please, let it be her.
Please, please, please.

No, wait.
Berta, you answer it.

No, no, no! Let it ring.

No, answer it.

- Harper residence.
- I'm not here.

- Yeah, he's here.
- Okay, I'm here.

Jake, it's your mother!

So how's it going down there?
You struck oil yet?

Charlie, what is going on with you?

- What?
- What do you mean, "what"?

You're spending half your time
drinking and moping.

The other half sleeping
and throwing up.

You haven't been
out of the house all week.

You want me
to go out like this in public?

If you feel so strongly about this girl,
why don't you just call her?

Yeah, sure, I could call her.

I could also FedEx her my testicles
in a little silk bag.

All the more reason to call first
and give her a heads-up.

Alan, don't you understand?
This isn't about dating anymore.

It's not even about sex.
It's about self-respect and pride.

Yeah, well, I think
that ship has sailed, Charlie.

See, the problem is
she doesn't need me.

So I need to figure out
a way to show her...

...that I don't need her just as much
as she doesn't need me.

But without seeming needy.

You see my dilemma?

Actually, I think I do.

You feel like I felt
when Judith kicked me out.

All right, if you're gonna mock me,
this conversation's over.

- Who took my sandwich?
- Go do your homework.

Unbelievable.

- I'm glad you were free tonight.
- I'm glad I was home when you called.

I would've called sooner,
but it's been a crazy week.

It's okay. I understand.

- Oh, Charlie, I want you.
- Are you sure?

- Oh, yeah.
- How much?

- Can't you tell?
- I wanna hear it.

I need you. I ache for you.

Okay, then.

- What are you doing?
- I've gotta get home.

I got an early meeting.

- What?
- Beat you to it this time, didn't I?

What are you talk...? What kind
of game are you playing here?

The same game you're playing,
only tonight, I win.

Really? What is it that you're winning?

Charlie, I'm lying here hungry for
your body and you're walking away.

So, what exactly is it
that you're winning?

You know.

- Get out.
- It's too late.

You can't kick me out.
I already said I'm leaving.

Hey.

- So how'd it go?
- Great.

I took control.
I regained my self-respect.

I walked out of there
with my head held high.

Good for you. Good for you.
So you're done beating yourself up?

Not quite.

Jake, wait till we get inside.

I'm hungry.
Uncle Charlie's in there.

I see your point.

At the risk of asking
a foolish question...

...you got any homework
this weekend?

- Nope. Did it at school.
- Really?

- Yup. Did it during detention.
- Jake, why did you have detention?

Because I didn't
do my homework yesterday.

So you did yesterday's homework
and today's homework?

Yup. The extra-credit section
and everything.

- Oh, great. I'll look it over.
- Okay, I didn't do it.

- Jake, why do you keep lying?
- Because I thought you trusted me.

The detention part was true.

Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Rose. What's going on?

I just stopped by to say I'm sorry
things didn't work out...

...with you and Sherri.
- Yeah. Thanks.

And I'm sorry for my
schadenfreude the other day.

I've been riddled with
"glaukenschtuken" ever since.

- Glauken...?
- Schtuken.

It means: " Feeling guilty
for having felt schadenfreude."

- They've got a word for that?
- Not yet.

But I'm hoping
"glaukenschtuken" catches on.

I'll do my part.

You know, something good
did come out of all this:

Watching you obsess over Sherri...

...really helped me understand
my obsession for you.

I mean, you never return my calls.
You always see other women.

You never knowingly
let me sleep over.

And yet, I've never been able
to get you out of my head.

- Interesting.
- Isn't it?

But now that I understand it,
I feel somehow free of it.

Well, that's great, Rose. It sounds
like a real healthy breakthrough.

Yeah. And the best part is now
that the fog of obsession has lifted...

...I can stop idealizing you,
and see you for who you really are.

And who would that be?

An emotionally scarred
and deeply flawed human being.

Who will one day bless me...

...with emotionally scarred
and deeply flawed children.

Rose.

Just hold me.

I like the names Mike and Trudy.