Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 20 - I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey - full transcript

Rose intervenes after Alan and Charlie come to blows over some of their unresolved issues.

- You got a date tonight?
- No.

Aren't you gonna ask me if I do?

Okay. You got a date tonight?

Sure, rub my nose in it.

Besides, I'd rather hang out
with you and Jake...

...than engage in mindless conversation
with some strange woman... the desperate hope that
she might sleep with me.

Me too.

If we can't lie to each other,
who can we lie to?

To family.

- Who is it?
- It's Mom.

Oh, odds.

- Once, twice, three, shoot.
- Once, twice, three, shoot.

Hey, Mom.

No, I don't have a date tonight.

Don't you wanna know about Alan?

So, what's up?

Yes, I got your message.

I was gonna call you back, but...

I was.

I was.

I was.

Okay, I wasn't.

I'm sorry.

And do you wanna tell me
why you called?

I said, I'm sorry.

I am sorry. I am. I am.

All right, I'm not.

So, what's up? Tomorrow?

Yeah, sure. One of us will be here.

I'll be here.

All right, gotta go. Love you.

No, I'm not just saying that.

I'm not.

No, I'm not.

Mom, we both know where this going.

- Sorry to stick you with her.
- Yeah, sure.

- I am.
- Right.

- I am.
- Whatever.

Okay, I'm not.


For 30 years, every time I call odds,
he throws a two, and I'm the schmuck.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Dad.

- Here's the bill for Jake's class trip.
- Why give it to me?

- So you can pay it.
- Me?

What's the point of giving
child support...

...if you don't support the child?

Child support doesn't cover
class trips.

- Says who?
- You wanna make an issue of this?

Have your lawyer call mine. They can
decide who pays for class trips.

Oh, I'm sorry. Class trips?

I'm happy to pay for class trips.

I thought you said "ass clips."

What are ass clips?

I don't know,
but I don't intend to pay for them.

Goodbye, Alan.

At least we settled who pays
for ass clips around here.

Okay, Mom. Good talking to you.

I'm gonna hang up now.

Yes, I am.

I am.

Okay, I'm not.

- Jake's here.
- Cool.

It wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom
once in a while.

We don't know that.

- Besides, you lost fair and square.
- I don't think so.

- I think you cheated.
- At odds and evens?

How on earth does one cheat
at odds and evens?

Don't give me that big, cow-eyed,
aw-shucks, Howdy Doody veneer.

- What?
- You heard me.

Yeah, I heard you...

...and as long as we're
stringing random words together...

...shoebox, MoonPie, Band-Aid.

Let me tell you something, Alan,
and I say this with no agenda.

I am not a judgmental person,
but you, you are a horrible little man.

You smile, tell everybody
what they wanna hear...

...but I know what goes on
inside your grinning puppet head.

You don't have a clue what's going on
inside my puppet head...

...because to know that,
you would have to be capable of...

...perceiving the world that exists
beyond the tip of your penis.

Don't talk about my penis.
You have not earned the right.

You are a selfish man, Charlie.
You're a user.

You just suckle from the teat of life
and you never give back.

"Suckle from the teat of life"?

Who are you,
Henry Wadsworth Pinhead?

- You call me that because I'm right.
- I call you that...

...because you can wear
a thimble as a hat.

Hey, what's going on?

- Nothing.
- Just hanging out.


You know, if you guys were queer...

...we'd be what they'd call
an alternated family.

- Morning.
- Morning.

I feel bad about last night.

That's okay. I forgive you.

I didn't apologize.

Well, then I guess I'm just
a bigger man than you are.

I'm kidding. Forget about it.


- What do you wanna do with Jake?
- I don't know. How about a barbecue?

Well, I'm sure the kid's delicious,
but I think I'd rather have hamburgers.

Dad, check it out.
Mom bought me new shoes.

- Very cool.
- Yeah, they were really expensive.

- I'll bet.
- She said to give you the bill.

What? Why do I get the bill?

So you can give me a check
to pay her back.

- Why?
- She doesn't trust me with cash.

No. Why should I be buying
your shoes?

You didn't. Mom did.

This is so wrong. I send her
a child support check every month...

...which is supposed to include things
like clothing, food, shoes.

Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim
in a whorehouse.

Excuse me?

You're constantly surprised that
you've been screwed...

...and you don't wanna pay for it.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Did you drop off the dry cleaning
by the back door?

That was dry cleaning?

I thought you were throwing
that stuff out.

You threw out my clothes?

I gave them to my sister's husband, Earl.

You gave three cashmere sweaters and
a new sport coat to your brother-in-law?

Why shouldn't he have nice things?

He's paid his debt to society.

You have to get them back.

I wish I could, but Earl's got
one withered arm...

...and he had all
the left sleeves hemmed.

Those were expensive clothes, Berta.

Wanna take it out in trade, stud?

Because this back brace snaps off
with the flick of a wrist.

Okay, okay, that's the last straw.

You have abused my good nature for too
long, and I am putting my foot down.

Well, you let me know
how that works out for you.

I guess we know
who's in charge around here.

If I want your opinion,
I'll ask your ex-wife.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
Well, if I want your opinion...

...I'll ask one of the dozens of women
you have meaningless casual sex with.

Oh, ouch.

- Hey, Uncle Charlie?
- What?

- I love you.
- What did you do, Jake?

I love you too, Dad.

- What did he do?
- How am I supposed to know?

Well, he's your knuckleheaded son.

He's my knuckleheaded son now,
but when you're trawling for tail... The Home Depot,
he's your slow but adorable nephew.

I might as well get one perk
out of having you sponge off me.

- Sponge? Sponge?
- Oh, that's a good idea.

Well, let me tell you something.

Take away your fancy house,
your fancy car...

...your women,
and what have you got?

A better-Iooking version of you.

Have I mentioned how much
I hate you?

Have I mentioned how much
I hate you?

- Don't copy me.
- Don't copy me.

- You're an idiot.
- You're an idiot.

- I'm warning you, Charlie.
- I'm warning you, Charlie.

How childish.

Would you mind toasting my buns,

To your buns.

You sicken me.


- Hey, Rose.
- What's going on?

Just making lunch.

- Wanna join us?
- Maybe some other time.

A little garlic butter is also a good way
to jazz up a hamburger bun.

He's lucky all I'm doing is spitting.

It doesn't take a master's in behavioral
psychology, which I happen to have... see that you and you brother
have unresolved fraternal conflicts.

Gee, you think?

I think it might be therapeutic
for you two... sit down with someone
and explore those conflicts.

- You mean you?
- Well, I could refer you... the woman I talk to,
but she doesn't exist.

So, yeah. Me.

Let's see. Couples counseling for me
and Alan with you as the therapist.

Why don't we just drop acid,
run out into the ocean...

...and pretend we're dolphins?

You're exhibiting
a lot of hostility, Charlie.

You know what we psychologists
call that?

- What?
- Hostility.

Why would we need
more than one word for it?

Rose, I appreciate your concern,
but Alan and I don't need therapy.

Everything will work itself out.

I'm just saying, I think
it would really help you guys...

...if you could sit down
and share your feelings.

We're fine, Rose.

- Choke on it, princess.
- Bite me, bitch.

I think he may have anticipated that.

- How Freudian.
- It's not Freudian.

But mine's bigger.

It's a banana, you moron.

It's not just about you and Charlie,
you know.

There's that innocent little moppet
to consider.


I'm baking air biscuits.
Get them while they're hot.

He may not be able
to process it now...

...but he picks up on all
the negative emotion around here.

Save yourselves, run for your lives!

Okay, well, if you can
get Charlie to agree, I'll do it.

- Good.
- And as a rule...

...when says they're bad,
take his word for it.

Oh, please, Alan. I grew up with
two older brothers and...

Oh, my God!

The only reason I let him live here
is because of Jake.

Go on.

He was a pain in the ass
when we were kids...

...and now he's blossomed into
a three-fingered prostate exam.

Have you considered the possibility
that since you're the older brother... harbor resentment
towards him...

...for usurping Mommy's love
and attention?

I'm sorry, have you met my mother?

Okay, so that's a no.

Please don't try to psychoanalyze me.

Oh, Charlie.
Psychoanalysis takes years.

I'm just messing around
inside your head.

Have you ever considered
the possibility...

...that you are the primary
male role model in Alan's life?

And if his behavior is making you mad,
he learned it from you.

So, in fact, you are making you mad.

That's nuts.

Just sit with it for a moment.
I think it's a pretty good insight.

No, I'm gonna stick with nuts.

And I don't wanna continue this.

Do you feel you can't be
totally honest with me...

...since we slept together?
- No.

Why can't you be totally honest?

- I can be totally honest with you.
- Really?

How much did you like
having sex with me?

Let's go talk to Alan.

And they wouldn't give me a license.

All right. Let the healing begin,
you pinhead.

Can we refrain from
counterproductive name-calling?

Such big words
from such a little head.

Charlie, please sit down.

Okay. Here are the ground rules.

There will be no name-calling
and no interrupting.

The purpose of this is
to air our feelings without judgment.

- Alan, why don't you start?
- Why does he start?

- Would you like to start?
- No.

Then shut up.

Alan, you'll go first.

And begin with the phrase,
"I feel Charlie is 'blank.'"

I don't think I can top that.

Okay, I feel like Charlie is...

...ashamed to have me as a brother.

Well, there you go. Are we done?

Charlie, you'll get your turn.

When was the first time
you felt that way, Alan?

I guess on the playground.

The first day of kindergarten,
he told his friends...

...that I was a shaved monkey
our mom won in a poker game.

Charlie, why do you think you might
have said something like that?

Well, I guess deep down...

...I always wanted a shaved monkey.

You promised Mom
you would look after me.

I was 7 years old.
You can't trust a 7-year-old.

You know how he looks after me?
He gave me wedgies.

From kindergarten on,
I got daily wedgies.

My butt cheeks didn't unclench
until my second year of college.

At which point, a long stick slid out.

Let's try a little role-playing.

He put dog poop in my
Mork and Mindy lunchbox.

Oh, will you please let that go?

And by the way,
if you think it through...

...we didn't have a dog.
- What?

Mom told me to make you lunch,
I made you lunch.

Oh, my God! Do you see...

...what I have been dealing with
my entire life?

The real genius was putting it
in a hot-dog bun.

All through the second grade...

...he would introduce me
as his ugly sister, Alana?

That's because all through second grade,
you wore culottes.

They were extra roomy Bermuda shorts.
I was prone to chafing.

Charlie, how did you feel when you
were calling Alan a monkey or a girl...

...or putting excrement in
his lunchbox?

It's hard to describe.

It was kind of a warm,
satisfied feeling.

And why do you think
you felt that way?

Because he was such a smartass.

Straight A's, Mommy's favorite,
Daddy's boy, stepdaddy's boy.

Somebody had to take him down a peg.

- You were jealous of me.
- No, no.

- I was annoyed.
- I don't believe it.

- You were jealous.
- No, I wasn't.

- Sounds like you were, Charlie.
- You can't take sides.

- That's unprofessional.
- Professional?

I'm just making this up as I go along.

I'm drawing kitty-cats here.

All these years,
you had to put me down...

...because you secretly believed
that I was better than you.

No, that's ridiculous.

I knew I was better,
but I didn't think you knew.

No, no, I didn't know that.
There was nothing to know.

I don't buy it. You were
an emotionally wounded child.

I wasn't wounded.
I was the wounder.

He was the woundee.

I was a mean, rotten brother.
You've gotta believe me.

I tortured him.

Once, I convinced him
the clothes dryer was a time machine.

When he got out,
I was dressed in Pilgrim clothes...

...and threatened to burn him
as a witch.

And now I understand why
you did all those things.

- And I forgive you.
- Don't forgive me.

Hate me. Fear me.

- Come here.
- No.

- Come on. Give me a hug.
- No, forget it.

- Would you rather hug me?
- What would be the point of that?

It gets me hot.

All right, if it'll put an end to all this,
one hug.

Hey, what are you doing?

Let's see how you like a wedgie.
Where's your underwear?

I'm not wearing any,
but thanks for scratching my ass.

- This turned out to be a nice weekend.
- Yeah. Go figure.

Who would've thought Rose
would be right?

Certainly not Rose.

She was right.
We had a lot of baggage to clear up.

- Yeah, and I'm glad we talked it out.
- Me too.

You know, when all is said and done,
all we have in this world is each other.

You, me and that methane cloud
you call a son.

- It's Mom.
- Odds.

That's okay. I got this one.

- Thank you.
- Hey, Mom.

Oh, that's Judith.

No, I'm just sitting here, enjoying
the sunset with my favorite brother.


I'm not lying. I'm not. I'm not.

Okay, I am.

Jake, your mom's here.

- Hey, Judith, how's it going?
- I just had a flat tire on the freeway...

...and called AAA, only to find
out I no longer have AAA...

...because you no longer pay my dues.
- Excuse me, but we're divorced.

- You pay that out of your alimony.
- No.

Because you didn't, I had to stand
on the side of the road...

...until a creepy man stopped
and offered to change my tire...

...if I'd show him my breasts.

Well, there you go.
I paid for your breasts.

Okay, fine.
We'll let our attorneys figure out...

...who pays for roadside service.
- No attorneys.

- I'm happy to pay for it.
- Thank you.

- Was that so hard?
- No. No, not hard at all.

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, buddy.

In fact, it was easy.

All I had to do was bend over
and unclench.

Okay, I said it.

Mom, you just said I said it.

- Have fun at school.
- All right.

Charlie, wait up.

- Did you make Alan's lunch?
- Yep.

Hey, wait.
You forgot to kiss me goodbye.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- Okay, I did.
- Charlie, wait up.