Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 9 - Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey - full transcript

English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E09 (720p) Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey - HDTV [KoTuWa]

Previously
on Two and a Half Men...

I'm not gay.
Does Alan know?

Can we kiss again?
Yeah.

Do you want to go up to my...
Let's go.

Oh...

LOUIS:
Walden, can you come here?

It's fine.
I-I've waited for two years.

I can wait a little bit longer.

Walden?

Parenting rule number four:
sleep is better than sex.



♪ Men. ♪
All right, Louis,

let's go over
the rules again.

We don't talk to strangers.

Don't climb the rock wall alone.

And?

We don't eat anything
we find in the ball pit.

All right, now,
go have fun.

(squeals)

All right, Alan,

let's go over your rules.

Uh, if I find a wallet,
I have to turn it in.

Uh, no haggling
over the corn dog prices.

And?

No standing underneath the moms



on the rock wall.
The rock wall. Yes.

Oh, great.

What?

Laurel's here.

ALAN:
Oh.

So go talk to her.

What am I supposed to say?
"I'm sorry about our date.

"It's just that I prefer
sleeping with a six-year-old kid

to sleeping with you."

Oh, oh, it's okay. I'm-I'm
talking about my own son.

You know,
maybe I'll just avoid her.

If I wanted to avoid every woman
I ever embarrassed myself

in front of,
I'd never leave the house.

I'd even have to steer clear
of the UPS lady.

She looked in the window
and caught me...

handling my own package.

You know,
it's not the things that you do,

so much as the way
that you say them.

No, no.

It-It's also the things
that you do.

Okay, you know,
I just wish there was a way

to, like,
jump over the awkwardness

and get right
into the conversation with her.

You know what, I think I can...
I can help you with that.

Laurel!

Look who's here! And awake!

Hey, guys.

I'll, uh... I'll leave
you two lovebirds alone.

I'm gonna go check on Louis.

Hey, remember how we used
to have to pretend to be gay?

Crazy, right?
(chuckles)

I'm sorry I didn't call.

And I'm-I'm sorry

I fell asleep instead
of having sex with you. I...

Will you stop
walking by?

I really am sorry.

I'm not mad.

Though you are now in my phone
as Rip Van Walden.

I'm sorry, what was that?
I just nodded off.

So, what you been up to?

Oh, you know, not much. Just...

training for a marathon,

developing an international
photo sharing app,

and I'm writing
a young adult novel.

Wow. Really?

No, I have a six-year-old.

All I do is come here
and eat food on a stick.

Well, do you want to... maybe...

schedule another playdate?

I would love that.

I mean, Lily would love that.
Oh.

Louis would also love it.

Imagine

all the... games

that they would play together.

Yeah. And all the, uh, toys
they would play with.

Toys? I-I hope none
of them are...

a choking hazard.

Wouldn't matter to me.

I don't have a gag reflex.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 12x09 ♪
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
Original Air Date: 2015-01-08

.

Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man

♪ Men. ♪

Morning.
(groans)

How's the neck?

Not good.

Yeah. Well, I told you not
to stand under that mom

on the rock wall.

That's why we have rules!

Yeah, well, wearing underwear
on the rock wall

should be one of those.

Hey, Louis, are you excited
about your playdate with Lily?

I guess.

"I guess."

You got a cute girl
coming over here.

You should be
popping in the...

Kidz Bop Slow Jamz
and putting some Sunny D on ice.

Do I have to share my Legos
with her?

Of course not. It's a playdate.
You're not marrying her.

Alan.

Yes, we should share
everything we can...

Our toys, our books, our...

sausage links.

ALAN:
If I could move

my neck, I'd give you such
a look right now.

The lesson is
that we should all share.

Okay. I got to poop.

Whoa! Whoa, what are you doing?

Sharing.

No. No, that's taking!

That's my job in this house!

♪ Men. ♪

So what's the deal?

Pinched nerve?
Slipped disk?

The official diagnosis?
You're old.

Very funny. I'd like
a second opinion.

All right,
you're also out of shape.

Come on, I'm in decent shape
for my age.

Eh...

Look, Alan, when you get
to be our age,

you get a little more fragile.

You-you don't
bounce back as easily.

The only thing
that bounces back is that belly

when I poke it.
(chuckles)

Stop it.

I used to be
in the same boat as you.

Then I found
this awesome new gym,

put myself
on a regular workout program.

Now I'm in the best shape
of my life.

Surprised you didn't notice.

Oh. Oh, yeah.
You, uh... you look great.

It's too late, Alan.
The damage has been done.

You should come down
and work out with me.

It's, uh, nothing
but hot women in yoga pants

as far as the eye can see.

Sure, it's a little creepy
if you look right at 'em,

but, uh, there are mirrors
everywhere.

Yeah. I guess I could break out

the old headband
and leg warmers.

Great. Hey, uh,
since I got you here,

it's, uh... it's been a year
since your last prostate exam.

Oh, no.

If it makes you feel any better,
you get a lollipop afterwards.

Well, I've done a lot more
for a lot less.

♪ Men. ♪

Aw.
Aw.

It's like the eye
of a hurricane.

It's eerily quiet now,
but in an hour

everything will be broken
and wet.

Well, at least I'm not the
only one who falls asleep

when cute girls
are around.

Aw. Thanks so much
for having us.

I'm very impressed
with this spread.

What kind of cheese is this?

Uh...

okay, I have to confess.

They're Lunchables.

That's the yellow cheese,

but I also have the orange
and the white.

No. No, thanks. I'm gonna save
room for the Fruit Roll-Up.

So tell me,

how is it that a guy like you
is not already married

to some... I don't know...
Gorgeous swimsuit model?

Okay, you obviously haven't seen
Alan in a Speedo.

I'm-I'm serious.

You're sweet, you're
good-looking, you're successful.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Okay. I've been told...

that I listen too much.

Which is a common problem

among men
whose penises are too large.

(snorts)

Uh, well, I-I also have this...

this teeny, tiny quirk
where, uh,

I screw up relationships as soon
as they start going well.

Oh. That's encouraging.

Oh, oh. No, no, no.
But don't worry, uh,

'cause this isn't going well
at all.

Well, I'm glad
to hear you say that

'cause... I was
about to leave.

Oh.

Mmm, okay.
That-that kind of behavior

can get you put in time-out.

(chuckles)
Time-outs don't work on me.

I need to be spanked.

(chuckles)

Looks like someone needs
to be sent to my room.

Wow. Look at the Lululemons
on her.

Did I tell you
or did I tell you?

Yeah.
Be cool, though.

Getting tagged as a lurker
is a hard label to shake.

So I've heard.

Oh, oh, check
out the redhead.

Her shorts say "Juicy."

If our garments
are being honest,

mine would say "Aroused."
(chuckles)

Ooh, look at the blonde
on the yoga ball.

Mmm, bouncy, bouncy,
bouncy...

Lyndsey?

Alan.

How did I not recognize her?

I've got to look
at more faces.

I didn't know
you were a member here.

Herb.

I see they've reinstated
your membership.

The appeals process
was arduous,

but, ultimately,
justice was served.

So, uh, how's everything?

Good. I'm sober again.

I traded booze for exercise.

You know, whenever I want a
drink, I come here instead.

Good thing this place
is open 24 hours.

Well, I'm really happy for you.
You look great.

I also think
you look great.

In fact,
as a medical professional,

my opinion is "wowza."

Thanks. Anyway, I got to go.

It's time for my spin class.

Oh, so, uh...
so you went from a-a room

that was spinning
to a room for spinning.

(chuckles)

You know... glug,
glug, glug, glug.

(dizzy, retching sounds)

(chuckles)

Anyway, great seeing you.

Yeah.

I missed this.

Wow, she looks amazing.

Did you see how flat
her stomach is?

She's always had great abs.
All that dry heaving

gives you a hell
of a six-pack.

So, uh, you two are over?

Oh, yeah. You know,
it's complicated with me

and Walden and Louis.
Plus, you know, I don't know

that Lyndsey and I were
ever really good for each other.

Kind of like me and lactose.

That's too bad.
Mmm.

Mind if I take a crack at her?

What?

You two aren't together anymore.

Maybe the cure for what ails her
is a little Herb-Al essence.

Dude, you already married
my ex-wife,

you moved into my house,
and earlier today

you had your finger halfway
to my liver.

Maybe we share enough as it is.

Okay, I get it. Bro code.

Thank you.

Just so you know, that exam
was no picnic for me, either.

(moaning softly)

Did you hear that?

I think it was the
kids downstairs.

What kids?
(chuckles)

Oh.
(chuckles)

You're right.
It was probably nothing.

(grunting)

Oh, wait. What if one of them
walks in on us?

I had a hard enough time
explaining

where milk comes from.

Do you want to lock the door?

Yes.

(chuckles)

Mmm. Oh, no, no, no.

What if there's an emergency?

What if they need
to come get us?

What-what... what if
there's a burglar or a fire,

or a burglar who sets a fire
as a distraction?

Oh, no, no.

(laughs)

Not on my watch!

Oh, my God, you're adorable.

But if you can't stop worrying
all the time,

you're never gonna
have sex again.

Oh, my God.

I'm never gonna have sex again.

You're used
to single-people sex.

That's a luxurious four-course
meal at a fine restaurant.

Parent sex is a drive-through.

Get in, get out,

hope you don't get anything
on your shirt.

Oh.

Looks like your order
just got supersized.

(laughs)

(moaning)

LOUIS:
Walden?

Yes! Coming! Right there!

Oh, God, are you okay?

I'm fine. Good news is,
you finally got my bra off.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Morning.

Morning. Where's Louis?

I sent him to take a bath.

Oh, by the way, if you want
syrup on your French toast,

catch him before
he hits the water.

No. No French toast for me.

I'm hitting the gym
a little later.

Oh, uh, by the way,
the beach is that way.

Oh, look at that.

Uh, my fitness band says
that my pulse rate is 87.

Tell me when it
gets to zero.

Yeah, joke all you want,

but this little gizmo tracks
all my physical activity.

So far today, I have burned...
400 calories.

Oh, wow. Did you go for a run?

Nope, never left my bed.

Oh, come on!

So, how was your playdate
with Laurel?

Okay, let-let me...
let me ask you guys something.

When you had young kids, and
they were still in the house,

did you have a hard time,
like... you know...

♪ Bow chicka wow wow? ♪

Oh. Oh, well, Jake walked in on
Judith and me countless times.

Eventually, we stopped
having sex altogether.

Those aren't related.

I just...
I don't know what to do.

It's like, Louis is stealing
your sausage and blocking mine.

Well, sooner or later,
you just get over it.

Uh, but in the meantime,
why don't you take her out

for a romantic night to a hotel?

Oh. I like that.

Plus, people do all kinds
of things in hotels

they don't do at home.

Like pay eight dollars
for peanuts.

I used to love
to have sex in hotel rooms.

Then they caught me,
and they fired me.

♪ Men. ♪

Do you want to work in?

What?

Oh, oh, uh, work in, yeah.

Uh, definitely want to work in.

Why else would I be
sitting here?

Thanks. (Laughs)
No problem.

Just, uh, show you
the proper technique.

Mm.

Here we go. (Sighs)

(laughs)

(grunting)

Aah! Oh, aah.

Bum shoulder. Yeah.

Got it the last Iron Man.

The movie, not the triathlon.

I slipped in the lobby
on some artificial butter.

Oh.

There we go,
lighten the load, and, uh...

One time, here we go.

(laughs)

(groaning)

(passes gas)

Oh, God!

Nice meeting you!

Hey, Alan.

Oh. Oh, hey,
Lyndsey. Oh, hey.

Yeah, I was just, uh...

I was just doing the,
uh, the fly machine.

You know, working out.

You're really committing
to this workout thing.

I'm impressed.

I know. I haven't been anyplace
two days in a row

since Jersey Boys was touring.

Where's Herb?
Uh, in the office.

He got all excited about
an outbreak of pinkeye.

When kids see pink,
Herb sees green.

Well, tell him I said "hi."

Oh, I don't know

if that's such
a great idea.

What do you mean?

Well, get this.

Uh, after we saw you
the other day,

he wanted to know
if it was okay to ask you out.

But don't worry. I told him no.

What?

You have no right
to decide who I go out with.

Oh, come on, Lyndsey.
I mean, how would you feel

if one of your friends wanted
to go out with me?

Shocked, stunned,
like I need new friends.

Look, I am just trying to help.

You just got sober.

I mean, before you move
onto somebody else,

you should probably
get over your breakup

with Captain Morgan.

Are you freaking kidding me?!

If I want to go out with Herb,
it is none of your business.

In fact, nothing I do
is any of your business!

Just stay the hell
out of my life!

Roid rage.

(laughs)

Phew.

♪ Men. ♪

(laughing):
Okay.

This was officially
a great idea.

Did you like the way
I checked us in?

Mr. and Mrs. R. Doinit?

Um, I like to go
by my maiden name...

Gettin' Some.

Hey, check this out.

(laughs)

I just walked across the floor
without stepping on a Lego.

(gasps)

Look, there's chocolate
on the pillows,

and it's not even in the shape
of a handprint.

Oh. Get over here, woman.
Uh-uh.

No, no. I've got
a surprise for you.

A surprise?

Mm-hmm.
Yay! What is it?

Oh, I'll give you a hint.

It's lacy, it's new, and you get
to bite the tags off.

If it's big enough
to have tags on it,

I already don't like it.

♪ Men. ♪

(doorbell ringing)

Alan, what are you doing here?

Well, I felt bad about earlier,
and I wanted to apologize.

These are for you.

For me, huh?

"Mr. Schmidt, thank you so much
for your generous donation

to the children's hospital."

Um, I-I did not see that.

HERB:
Is that the pizza guy?

Herb?

Alan, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here, and...
and why are you wearing my robe?

I'll let you guys talk.

Alan, you showing up here
is the second best thing

that's happened to me today.

What the hell, Herb?

Believe me, I had no intention
of going behind your back,

but out of nowhere, Lyndsey
invited me over for dinner,

and I thought,
"What's the harm?"

Well, then, dinner
turned into dessert,

and dessert turned into,
well, sex with Lyndsey.

This hurts, Herb.

Yesterday you were
tickling my prostate,

and today you're
stabbing me in the back.

Hey, it's your fault.

You made me forbidden fruit.

I was off-limits,
like dancing in Footloose.

Look, I'm sorry
it happened like this.

And, well, if you want me
to stop seeing her,

just say the word,
and it's over.

LYNDSEY:
Herb?

Well, you had your chance.

What do you think?

It's horrible. Take it off.

(laughs)

Oh!
Ooh!

(phone chirps)

No!
(laughs)

It's okay. Get it.

(sighs)

Okay, babysitter wants to know

if Lily can have ice cream
for dessert.

(laughs)

"Don't care. Getting laid."

(mutters)

No, I just wrote "Yes."

(laughter)

Oh, hey, you know, next time, we
should just get one babysitter,

and then Louis can sleep
over with Lily at my house,

and I can sleep over
with you at your house.

Yeah, maybe.

Wait, wait,
whoa, hold on.

Do you not want there
to be a next time?

I mean, please
reserve your judgment

until after the
first time.

(laughs)
I rarely

disappoint a woman sexually
before we have sex.

No, it's just...
all kids have their differences.

But I don't want to talk
about Louis and Lily right now.

In fact, I don't want
to talk at all.

I got better things
to do with my mouth.

Wait a second.
Wait a second. Hold on.

Wait. Louis and Lily
don't get along?

Well, you know how kids are.

One week, they like each other;
the next, they don't.

So Louis doesn't like to share.

Lucky for you, I do.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Louis does not have
a problem sharing.

In fact, I just talked to him
specifically about sharing.

I'm sorry. Lily must
have made it up.

That's probably it. Okay.

Wait a second.

So you're okay
with saying that Lily's a liar,

but you can't admit
that Louis has issues?

(laughs)
Oh. Okay, hold on.

I think I would know
if my son has issues.

Right, 'cause
you've been a parent

for all of, what, two weeks?

Two and a half.
(sighs)

And fancy you
lecturing me.

The mother of
Lily the biter.

What? Lily's not a biter.

All the other parents
call her "Lily-goat."

You know what?
This was a bad idea.

Oh, yeah, it was...

(bleating):
baa-aa-aa-aa-aad.

That was a sheep.

And if this is how
you talk to women in bed,

then no wonder
you had to marry Alan.

(gasps) You will leave my husband
out of this!

You don't even know
what you're missing.

You were about to have
the hottest sex of your life!

Oh, oh, easy for you to say

since you don't have
to back it up.

Oh, you want me to back it up?!
'Cause I'll back it up!

Yeah, back it on up!

Oh, what, are we gonna have sex?

Shut up!
Oh...

(yelps, chuckles)

Okay, I see where Lily
gets her biting.

♪ Men. ♪

Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.

(exhales)

Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.

(panting)

Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.

Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man