Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 8 - Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey - full transcript

Walden hopes to create the perfect Christmas experience for Louie, who has lost his faith in Christmas. But Santa, Alan's mom Evelyn, and Alan's cheapness threaten to ruin everything.

English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E08 (720p) Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey - HDTV [KoTuWa]
(Clockwise in Back Hole Until Tight)

♪ Men. ♪


Hold up your gifts.

Everybody has to see the gold
and frankincense and myrrh

so they know
we're the three wise men.

It's 88 degrees out.

I don't have any myrrh.

Unless it's the biblical term
for “swamp ass.”

We want this
to be mantel-worthy.

We want people to say, you know,
“Look at those costumes,

“look at that view,
look at Cher's house

perfectly positioned
over Alan's right shoulder.”

Oh, it's got to be
better than last year.

Me as Joseph,
Berta as the Virgin Mary

looking down at you in a diaper.

People loved that.

Okay, here we go.

(camera beeps)

Now everybody say...

Sweet baby Jesus!

Sweet baby Jesus!

Sorry about that.

Oh, that's so cute.

You guys are dressed
as Duck Dynasty.

No. We're the three kings
of Bethlehem.

Oh, right.

I don't get HBO.

Guys, look at him.

Isn't he the cutest
in his little robe and beard?

You want my gold?


First cute girl he meets, he's
already giving away his money.

You know, I think I have a
better idea for a holiday card.

(camera clicks)

(to “Jingle Bells”):
♪ Men-men-men, men-men-men ♪

♪ Men-men-men, men-men. ♪

(bells jingling)
♪ Men, men, men, men ♪

♪ Manly men, men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 12x08 ♪
Clockwise in Back Hole Until Tight
(Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey)
Original Air Date: 2014-12-18


Sync, corrected by elderman

♪ Men. ♪

I found
the fake snow!


It looks real.

Yeah. I love a white Christmas.

So did Charlie.

He used to put snow
on every mirror in the house.


Hey, hey, buddy, why
don't you go inside

and write your letter to Santa?

Santa's not real.


Of course he is.

He's never brought me
anything I asked for.

Hey, I am sure

that Santa's gonna come through
for you this year, buddy.

That's what grown-ups
always say.

Come inside with me.

I made gingerbread Zippys.

I was gonna make
gingerbread houses,

but everybody knows
Zippys don't have houses.

A six-year-old boy
who doesn't believe in Santa.

How sad is that?

Almost as sad as my
20-year-old boy who does.

This sucks.

Just 'cause he grew up
in a group home doesn't mean

that he can't enjoy
the magic of Christmas.

I know. It was always
Jake's favorite holiday.

Especially the year he turned 13

and got his first
Christmas boner.

It was the only toy
he played with all day.

Hey, you know,
I bet Louis would believe

if we got him
exactly what he wanted.

I don't know what he wants.

He wants a bike.

God! Rose.

What are you
doing here?

Wait. How do you know
about Louis?

Oh, Walden, you're so adorable.

I just wanted to bring by
my homemade Christmas candies.

Do you like nuts?

Covered in chocolate, yes.

With a sweater and skirt, no.

Oh. Okay.

On this day, Walden's heart
shrank three sizes.


I know this time of year
can get busy,

so if you need a helping hand,
I'm here.

I can wrap presents or babysit
or read a Christmas story.

I'm great at doing voices.

Or hearing them.

What do you want, Rose?

My DNA, my fingerprints,
a lock of my hair?

No, silly.

I have all that.

I want to be your friend again.

I don't think
that I'm comfortable

with you being around Louis.

Or me.

If you want to hang out
with Alan, that's fine.

I'll pass.

♪ Men. ♪

Here you go... a little
Christmas cheer for everyone.

Ugh! What is this?

It's eggnog.

With no rum!

Eggnog without booze
is as boring and bland

as church without booze.

Be a dear and go get some
rum for your grandmother.

Evelyn, he's six years old.

Oh. Yes, right.

The rum is in a bottle
with a pirate on it.

Maybe-maybe we can wait
until Louis goes to bed.

Of course.

So run along to bed, dear.


If you don't go to sleep,
Santa won't come.

There is no Santa.

What?! Of course there is.

Santa's as real
as the nose on my face.

(clears throat)

Well, he's as real as my...

Trust me, he's real.

You know, she's right, and
tonight we're gonna prove it,

because we got
a Santa cam,

so we can catch
the big man in red on video.

Santa Claus!

Old Saint Nick!

(French accent):
Papa Noel.

(Italian accent):
Babbo Natale.

(German accent):

Which, of course,
means “Christmas man” in German.

Teachable moment.

The-the point is,
in the morning,

when you see
him on video,

then you'll believe
he's real, right?

I guess.

I guess?! What?

It's a Christmas miracle!

Did you hear that, Alan?
Did you hear that, Evelyn?

(imitating Jimmy Stewart):
You hear that, Clarence?

Merry Christmas, you wonderful
old building and loan!

Okay, off to bed you go.

And soon, you'll have
visions of sugar plums

dancing in your head.

Can I have some pirate rum?

No, we don't want visions

of pink elephants
dancing in our head.

Okay, you go brush your teeth,
and I'll be in in a minute.

When Alan was little
and couldn't sleep,

I used to give him whiskey.

doesn't count, Mother.

So here's the plan.

Santa's not actually coming.

You don't say.

But how awesome is this?

We got the number two guy from
the Thanksgiving Day Parade.

So, if the giant

Bullwinkle balloon breaks loose
and kills the number one Santa,

this is the guy.


He also appeared as Santa

on an episode of
Walker, Texas Ranger.

He and Chuck Norris fought the
bad guys with Christmas fu.

So, when he gets here,
he's gonna take the presents

that we bought for him, and he's
gonna put them under the tree,

and then we'll get it on video,

and then Louis will have the
perfect Charlie Brown Christmas.

(to “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”):
♪ Lou, Lou, Lou ♪

♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou ♪

♪ Lou, Lou, Lou ♪

♪ Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou ♪

♪ Lou, Lou, Lou,
Lou-Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou... ♪

I need rum.

♪ Lou, Lou, Lou ♪

♪ Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou... ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Santa's here!

I give you
Kris Kringle.

Are you smoking pot?

Of course not.

Don't worry.

Santa's got a prescription card.

Well, apparently, the presents

have already been
delivered in Colorado.

(clears throat)

Here. Come on in.

I'm Walden.
This is Alan and, uh, Evelyn.

Uh, wh-what do you go by?
Mr. Claus?


(Italian accent):
Babbo Natale?

(German accent):

Actually, it's Frank.

It's not very Christmasy.

Well, if you don't like it,

I can hang some mistletoe
over my ass.

That's my son
you're talking to.

Good one.

I-I... I'm sorry.
We're-we're just really excited.

It's our first Christmas
with our foster son.

Uh, basically,
what we're gonna do is

film you putting the presents
under the tree.

Uh, and then I've written
a little something

for you to say to Louis.

Let me guess.

“Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas, Louis!”

Oh, that's better.

Go with that.

Okay, okay, okay,
and then...

then you'll take a
bite of the cookie,

you'll crunch the carrot,
you'll sip the milk,

wink at the camera, jiggle
your belly and leave.

So it's toys,
bite, crunch,

sip, wink,
jiggle, leave.

Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.

Got it?

So you want me to be Santa.

Toys, bite, crunch, sip,
wink, jiggle, leave.

That sounds a lot like an orgy
I had in Palm Springs once.

♪ Men. ♪

All right,
let's get this stuff wrapped

so we can enjoy this holiday
the way I always imagined.

Listening to Michael Bublé's
Christmas album...

with my husband.

Aw, looks like Alan's getting
his first gift early.

Where's the boy's bike?

Oh, right here.

That's not a boy's bike.
That's a box.

The boy's bike's in the box.

Tell me the boy's bike
in the box has been built.

Oh, no, they wanted $75
to assemble it.

That's like ten pairs of pants.

I was paying for it!

Oh, come on.

How hard could it be?

♪ Men. ♪

Uh, sorry, looks like
it's gonna be

a little longer
than we expected.

Uh, any chance you know how
to put together a bike?

Right now, I'm too buzzed
to have a tool in my hand.

I'm just buzzed enough
to have a tool in mine.

Well, ho, ho, ho.



Let me get us both
a little more eggnog.

Um, Santa, did you drive your
own sleigh over here tonight?

Nope. Santa Ubered.

Oh, well, uh, hope your driver
was named Rudolph.


Um, so what's going on?

Does Santa know you're married?

Does the IRS know
you don't have five children?

Marty and I have
an open marriage.

And since he's 93,

my end opens a little more
frequently than his.

As does your mouth.

That's one of the ends
I was talking about.

Here you go.

You're running low on eggnog,
so this one is all rum.

Thank you.

You know, this is a situation

where Santa doesn't
need a little helper.

So on, Prancer.


But just know this:

I am not afraid to give Santa
a negative review on Yelp.

♪ Men. ♪

Okay, I can't make heads
or tails of these instructions.

They're barely in English.

Uh, “The bolts of turning

“shall revolve clockwords

as in above figure below.”

Does it say anything about
roommate of cheapness shall have

foot inserted
in back hole till tight?


I guess on the first day
of Christmas,

my true love threatened me.

I'm sorry, but it's Louis's

first Christmas
not in the group home,

and I want it to be perfect.

No Christmas is ever perfect.

There's always gonna be a toy

that's broken
or the wrong kind of batteries.

I mean, even on
the very first Christmas,

Mary and Joseph woke up
to the smell of donkey crap.

I know. I just...

I want him to believe in Santa,

and-and get this bike

and-and wake up to a
winter wonderland.

Not that I ordered
a truckload of snow.

I didn't get reindeer!

Well, they're endangered.

We could still make
Christmas special for Louis.

We just got to finish this bike.
We can do this.

You're right. We got
an M.I.T. engineer and a...

formerly board-certified

Yeah, now we're talking.

I mean, this can't
be more difficult

than realigning someone's spine.

(chuckles) You know, you got, uh...

you got your, uh, your L2,
uh, connected to your L3.

And all we have to do is

put the right pressure
on the right spot and...

Uh, and that is why I am

a formerly board-certified

♪ Men. ♪

(bells jingling rhythmically)

EVELYN (moaning):
Oh, Santa.

(bells jingling faster)

Oh, Santa!

Oh, no.

(bells jingling rapidly)

Here comes Santa Claus!

Here comes
Santa Claus!

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, my God.

What happened?

I saw Mommy banging Santa Claus.

It's 1972 all over again.

We have a problem.

Yes, you have a problem.

You are the Christmas whore!

Be that as it may, I think
I killed Santa Claus.

Oh, God!

It's exactly like 1972!

♪ Men. ♪

Is he gonna be okay?

Yeah, It was just
atrial fibrillation.

He just needs some medication
and a few days rest.

You hear that, sweetheart?
I'll be fine by New Year's.

I'll be counting down
till the balls drop.

Well, thank God Louis
didn't see any of this.

He would've been

Louis? What about me?

The man almost died
while he was having sex with me.

That's not easy to get over.

No matter how many times
it happens.

Okay, well, all right,
well, there you have it.

Merry Christmas, Louis.

Your grandmother banged Santa
within an inch of his life.

Here's half a bike!

W-We can salvage this.

There's still enough time
to-to finish the bike,

wrap the other gifts
and get them under the tree.

Okay, you're right.

Louis will be asleep
for six more hours.


Oh, come on!

I heard a noise. Did Santa come?

Sadly, no.

♪ Men. ♪

All right.

Where's Evelyn?

Oh, well, uh...

she went to her house
to play with...

her toys.

All right, time for bed, bud.

That's right. Santa's on his way.
All right.

If Santa is real,

then how does he get in all
the kids' houses in one night?

Well, he's got
Christmas magic.

And how does he know
where everybody lives?

Well... that's the magic
of Google Maps.

All right.

Good night, buddy.
Time to go to sleep.

Can you guys stay with me
till I fall asleep?


It's not like we need to help
Santa assemble toys.

He pays his elves
$75 to do that.

That's Timothy's spot.

Oh, oh, okay.


I guess, uh...

Good boy.

♪ Men. ♪



Oh, oh, my God!

Oh, don't flatter yourself.

I get one every morning.

Where's Louis?


It's 7:00.
We fell asleep.

Oh, crap. Th-The bike.

The presents.
What are we gonna do?

Well, is it too late to
tell him we're Jewish?

What the...

Santa came! He is real!

Did you...?


He's on the video.

You didn't see Grandma Evelyn
wrestling with Santa, did you?

No, just Santa.



Oh, my God.

If the Easy Bake Oven
I have always wanted

is under that tree,
it is gonna blow my mind.

Can I go outside
and ride my bike?


Alan, do you
want to...?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

Uh, let's go, buddy.

Looks like we had
a great Christmas

and saved $75.


All right, come on, Rose,
I know you're down there.

Actually, I'm
behind you.

Ah, son of a...!

How do you do that?

Why do you do that?!

Oh, a girl's got to have
a little fun.

Merry Christmas.

I-I cannot believe that you
went to all that trouble for us.

You mean you can't believe
Santa went to all that trouble.

Okay, then I guess

I need to say
thank you to Santa.

Well, he doesn't
do it for the thanks,

he does it because
he genuinely wants

to make the people
in his life happy.

Are you happy, Walden?

I am.

I-I couldn't have imagined
a better Christmas morning.

I mean, other than waking up
with Alan poking me in the back.

Listen, I...

I'm sorry that I said
I didn't want you around.

Oh, please.

It's not like every time
somebody says

something mean to me, I write
it down in a big book called

“Those Who Have Wronged Me.”

That's funny.

I think.

Well, I told you before,
I just want to be your friend.

Well, you are.


I'm sorry if I forgot that.



Oh, hey, but how did Santa

manage to put
that bike together?

The instructions couldn't
have been any clearer.

“The bolts of turning
shall revolve clockwords

as in above figure below.”


Yeah. Duh.

Do you guys have
big plans for later?

Uh, no, just the usual.

Open gifts, call family,

hope that you get
their voice mail.

Oh, the best part is
Alan's gonna deep-fry a turkey,

so there's a 50/50 chance
he'll catch himself on fire.

Oh, I got you guys

a little something
for the house.

And I hope that every time
you look at it,

you'll think of me.


Oh! A cuckoo clock.

I get it. 'Cause you're...





Because it's red like a rose.

How could you
hurt me on Christmas?

I'm sorry. I-I...

I thought it was...
Oh, I'm just kidding.

No, it's totally
'cause I'm cuckoo.

Well, Merry Christmas, Walden.

Merry Christmas, Rose.

(clock chiming, cuckooing)


How cute is that?
It's a tiny Rose.

Wait, is that her real hair?

No, it's yours.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ You better watch out,
you better not cry ♪

♪ You better not pout... ♪
You know,

this is what Christmas
is all about.

Family, Bublé,

deep-fried turkey.

Life is good, Alan.

Hmm. It is.

Um, can you cut mine for me?

Deep-fried fingers.

(clock chiming, cuckooing)

That was sweet of Rose.

You know, I-I've always
been so cynical of her.

Maybe she does just want
to be friends, you know?

♪ Now, he sees you
when you're sleeping... ♪

Sync, corrected by elderman