Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 7 - Sex with an Animated Ed Asner - full transcript

Walden gets utterly exhausted by Louis's inexhaustible boy energy, so Alan suggests finding some playmates who can exhaust the rascal for them. Walden takes them to a playground, but Louis keeps insisting Walden must play with him. Alan is luckier, as kids mothers are eager to bond with a gay 'father' and his 'gay partner', potential best friends. Soon both co-parents have made girl friends and must come clean about being straight.


How is it possible

that kids weigh twice as
much when they're asleep?

I know.

And he should weigh less
after his little mishap

on the spinning teacups.


Felt bad for that girl
in the Cinderella costume

in the cup behind us.

She was right in
the splash zone.

I'm exhausted.

Me, too.

I'm also sticky and dirty
and sweaty and slimy.

I'm like the seven dwarfs
of disgusting.

Ugh, I should not have eaten
that funnel cake.


Well, I see
your funnel cake

and raise you a deep-fried
Snickers stuffed into a Twinkie.

I think I blacked out briefly.

(both groaning)

Is being a dad always
this tiring?

These are the best
moments of your life.

And they are over
so fast.

Seems like only yesterday,

Jake was holding my hand
in the haunted house.

Now he's half a world away
in the army,

wondering if a "dishonorable
discharge" is something you get

from a dirty geisha.

So sweet.

d Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men d

d Ah. d
d Men. d

d Two and a Half Men 12x07 d
Sex With an Animated Ed Asner
Original Air Date o

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

d Men. d



What do you want?

Are you asleep?

(whines): 3Ks.

That's what people do at...

5:30 in the morning.

Is it okay
if I can make breakfast?




Walden's not here,
please leave a message.

How do you like your pancakes?


In three hours.

With blueberries.

Okay, I'll go make them.

Oh, God.


d Men. d


Ready or not, here I come.


Louis and I,
we're playing hide and seek.

He's under his bed, hiding

and I'm in the kitchen,
seeking sleep.

I hear ya.

I barely got my eight hours.

I don't know
if I can handle this.

Little boys have
a lot of energy.

They're like cute
little crackheads.

Except crackheads have
better toilet aim.

No, no, this isn't about
being tired.

I just, I don't know
if I'm cut out to be a dad.

Hey, I didn't think I could live

in a Malibu beach house
for free,

but I figured it out.

Well, I don't know
if I can figure this out.

I mean, Th-this kid
has bounced around

the foster care system
his whole life.

I mean, I-I don't know
what he needs.

I mean, does he need structure?

Does he need freedom?

Does he need medication?

I should have asked that
before they dropped him off.

All he needs is
your love and support.

(imitates Alan mockingly)

That's a bunch of crap.

Walden, every parent goes
through this.

B-But you're actually
doing a great job.

You're just overwhelmed
because this is all so new,

a-and you're trying to be
everything to him all the time.

You know, full-time dad,
full-time playmate.

You have to give
yourself a break.


He's 24-7.

He's like the Energizer bunny.

You know why you never met
the Energizer bunny's dad?

'Cause one night,
he went out for cigarettes,

and he just kept going
and going and going.

One thing that'll help
is getting Louis some friends.


They chase each other
around for hours,

eventually they pass out
like work dogs.

Kid'll be in
bed by 8:00,

then it's you, me,
a bowl of popcorn

and binge-watching
The Good Wife.

Okay, so what?

So, I just...
I'll just Google a place

to meet a fun
cute six-year-old.

Oh, yeah. No.

I heard it when I said it.

d Men. d

Uh, this place
is awesome.

They have a rock wall.

Will you climb it with me?

Oh, buddy, you know, the whole
idea is for you to come here

and meet all these
other kids.

No, just you and me.



All right,
I mean, come on.

How do you say no to those eyes?

I hear ya.

Oh, uh, hey, can I have
some money for the snack bar?


It's not my fault you already
spent all your allowance.

Room for one more?


Care for a juice box?

We have cherry, grape
and Chardonnay.

Well, what else can I say
except, "chardonn-yay."

Uh, I am Alan.

Uh, that's Louis over there,
he's mine.

I'm Danielle, and that's
my daughter in the water wings.

Oh, is there a pool here?

At some point,
you just pick your battles.

I'm Laurel, this is Julie.

Oh, hot dad on the rock wall.

I claim this
as Mount Louis!

Wow, he's really cute.

Big time.

Sorry, ladies.

He's taken.

No kidding?

Good for you.

How'd you snag him?

I met him at a low point in his
life, and I took care of him.

And he's been taking care
of me every day since.

(oohing, giggling)

That's the kind of man I need.

No, that's the kind
of man I need.

You're married.

Yeah, to Roger.

He hasn't screwed me
since the prenup.

Classic Julie.

Oh, this is so Sex and the City
right now.

Alan, do we
have any wipes?

The kid above me dripped
something on my face.

The best-case scenario is snot.

Here, I've got some.

Oh, thank you.

Walden, this is, uh,
Laurel, Danielle and Julie.

The ladies, the gals.

The juice box heroes.



Hi, nice to meet you all.

Your son is adorable.

I'm his husband, silly.

So, uh, which one's yours?

My daughter, Lily,

is the one licking
that little boy.

Sweetie, we don't
lick strangers!

Oh, and I thought
we were gonna be friends.

All right.

I'm headed to the ball pit.

Same thing he said as he dove
under the covers last night.


d Men. d

Thanks for having us.

I got to say, this is a
great spot for a playdate.

This view is amazing.

Yes. Yes, it is.

You know, I used to walk
by houses like this

and think the people
on the decks were just looking

down their noses at everyone,
feeling all superior.

Now I know it's true.

Roger sold our beach house

'cause he said we never used it.

Using that logic,
we should sell his penis.


Classic Julie.

Hey, w-we should make
this a regular thing.

(thudding, shattering)

Oh. Yeah, next time we'll
do it at one of your houses.

Hey, uh, Louis, is
everything okay?


Lego tower fell over.

Uh, you didn't
say "over."


I said the Lego tower fell over.


You're so good
with him. Over.

Actually, I-I feel like I
have no idea what I'm doing.

Join the club.

like a yoga class.

You just do what
everybody else is doing

and try not to laugh
when someone farts.

Okay, so all the kids are
playing in Louis' room.

Well, technically, three
of them are playing together,

and Louis is in the corner,
coloring by himself.

That's perfectly normal.

The parenting books call it
"parallel play."

Oh, that's good
to know.

So, in high school,
I wasn't such a weirdo.

I was just a parallel player.

My sex life with my first wife
was a lot of parallel play.

Just give Louis time.

Remember, this is
all new for him.

Kind of like
learning on my honeymoon

that I wasn't going to have sex
was all new for me.

You know, I just want him
to have friends.

You know, like a couple girls,
and a couple boys.

He's gonna be fine.

In the meantime,
I have made some friends

who have welcomed me
into the secret world of women.

I am this close to discovering
everything about them.

What they like, what
they don't like.

And where they don't like it.

We're supposed to be here
helping Louis make friends.

Oh, please, I see
how you look at Laurel.

It's the same way I look at
a five dollar bill in a tip jar

I think I can swap out
for a single.

Okay, what are you
talking about?

That is Louis'
friend's mom.

And, yes,
we get along great.

And, yes,
she's pretty and nice.

And, yes, she used to be
a gymnast and can still

put her legs
behind her head.

And she is out there.

So why am I still standing here,
talking to you?

I can put my legs behind my
head, but you'll never see it.

d Men. d

He was a really nice guy,

and I liked hanging
out with him,

but when we got
to the bedroom,

he was just, well...

If he were a candy bar,
he'd be the fun size.

There's nothing fun
about that.

Yeah, nothing worse
than a small penis.

But, seriously, how
small is too small?

Alan, you are a riot.

We should hang out
with you more often.

Hey, what do you
say, we all go out

this Saturday for
a girls night?

You know, get a limo,
go out dancing,

wear our sluttiest outfits.

Julie, you can wear what
you're wearing now.

Uh, I'm bad.

Should we go check
on the kids?

Are you kidding?

They're set up with pizza,
popsicles and The Lego Movie.

For the next two hours,

d Everything is awesome. d

Yeah, I've seen that
movie, like, five times.

I should really watch it
with Louis at some point.

I haven't seen a movie

that wasn't for a kid
in forever.

The other night
I actually had a sex dream

about an animated character.


Prince Charming?

The old guy from Up.

And, sadly, it was the only sex
I've had in two years.

Well, if it meant a
whole night's sleep,

I'd have sex with an
animated Ed Asner, too.

You think you're tired now.

You missed the hardest years.

The-the... the picky eating,
the tantrums, the bed-wetting.

Okay, to be fair, I get
all of that with Alan.

You guys are a great team.

The only thing
my ex would help with

was driving the babysitter home.

She'd have the kids
in bed by 8:00

and my husband in bed by 10:00.

Oh... that's horrible.

Is she a good sitter?
'Cause we're looking.


Without that jerk of an ex,

I wouldn't have Lily,

and even at six years old,
she's my best friend.

I hope I get there
with Louis at some point.

You'll get there.

I hope I stay there with Lily.

I'm afraid that by the time
she's a teenager,

she'll be like,
"Mom, you're 100!

Nobody believes
I'm your sister!"

Okay, how could anyone say that

about someone as pretty,
smart and flexible as you?


You're so sweet.

You don't happen to know

of a single, straight version
of you, do you?

I used to know one.

Are you looking for a date?

I told you,
it's been over two years.

I need a lot more than a date.

d Popsicles are awesome! d

Okay, I'm gonna go
check on the kids.

I'm gonna wait
here for a bit.

d Men. d

d Men. d

Hope you are ready to go.

The ladies just Instagrammed

a selfie
from the limo.

is on like Chaka Khan!

All right, Louis
is eating his dinner.

Oh, great. Chaka Khan!

Hey, thank you again
for watching him tonight.

And if anything
comes up--

and I mean anything at all--
you call my cell.

Got it.

Oh, if he wants to play a game,

he likes Chutes and Ladders.

And if he want
to watch a cartoon,

he likes Phineas and Ferb.

And who does he like in the
Cardinals-Rams game tonight?

I know I'm being
a little bit crazy,

but this is the first time
I've left him alone.

Relax, I had five kids,

12 grandkids and
four great-grandkids.

I've done it all.

Except teach them
about birth control.

I don't feel good.

Oh, no.
What's the matter?

I just threw up.

Oh, no.
Oh... yep.

He's got a fever.

I'll bet it was that snot-nosed kid
on the rock wall.

Typhoid Tyler.

I got this.

I worked for Charlie
for ten years.

I know vomit.

Cleaning it up
and inducing it.

I never threw up
SpaghettiOs before.

It's kind of fun.

(Berta laughs)

Should we go
to the doctor?

Oh, no, no.

I'm sure it's
just a tummy ache.

I'll text the girls and let 'em know
we can't make it.

Oh, no. Come on.
You go.

You sure?

Yeah, come on, this is
what a parent does.

This is what I
signed up for.

Besides, you took
a half an hour

getting into
those Spanx.

All right. Sorry.

Um... I'll send

Danielle said that
if I get her drunk enough

she'll show me her tattoos.

Uh, she's got a bird on her hand
and two in her...

d Men. d


I'm sorry I got sick.

What? Come on, man.

Don't be sorry.

It happens.

I'm sorry you don't feel well.

But you were going
to go out with Alan

and now you can't 'cause of me.

Oh, I'm not missing anything.

You ever seen Alan dance?

All right.

Now, you get some good sleep

and I'm gonna be right here

if you need anything.

Oh, and you know
who else'll be here?

Your new friend,
"Barfy the Bucket."

(high-pitched voice):
d I'm here for you d

d If you're ready to spew! d


d Men. d

(doorbell rings)



What are you
doing here?

I bailed.

Didn't Alan tell you?

No, the only
thing I got

was a picture of
Alan twerking.

With a caption that said,
"Alan got his groove back."

Well, when I heard
that Louis was sick,

I thought you could
use some help.

And soup.

Come on, that
is so sweet.

You did not
have to do this.

You look amazing.
Oh, thanks.

Well, I already had
the sitter, and...

first rule of parenting:
Never cancel the sitter.

Well, unless she's banging
your husband.

Too far?

No, uh, "too far"

was starting a Facebook page

called "Tiffany Jones is a
Husband-Stealing Little Bitch."

Uh, do you know what Louis has?

Uh, well, I went on the Internet

and I've narrowed it down
to either the flu,

or early-onset menopause.

Second rule of parenting:

Never consult the Internet.

How's he doing now?

Well, he's asleep

and he's doing
pretty well.

Oh, good, because...

I brought this for us.


You know,
third rule of parenting:

Kids aren't the only ones
that can drink from a bottle.

d Men. d

d Oh, yes, it's ladies' night d

d And the feeling's right d

d Oh, yes, it's ladies' night,
oh, what a night d

(deep voice):
d Oh, what a night. d


Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, there.

I pour strong when
the alcohol's free.

I have to cram a lot of fun

into a short amount of time.
ALAN: Mmm.

Kind of like sex with Roger.

(women laughing)

What is it with guys

and their constant need for sex?

Look at Alan here.
He's out with two women,

but I bet even he
wants sex right now.

I do. I really do.

Oh, my God!
Let's dance!


(both whooping)

d d

Come up here, Alan!

No, I-I'm good down here.

Well, he's still asleep

and he feels cooler,

but now I'm worried that
he might have hypothermia.


You know, one of
the hardest lessons

I've had to learn as a parent
is sometimes

you just
gotta relax.


All I do is worry.

And now that
I don't sleep,

I have plenty
of time to do it.

Is he exercising enough?

Is he eating right?
Does he even want to stay here?

I mean, this is the most
terrifying thing I've ever done.

And-- this is scarier than
when I bought the big iPhone

and I didn't know
if it would fit in my pocket.


You think
you're scared?

I have a daughter.

I worry about
all the same things you do,

plus penises.

And with you,

you have to worry
about animated penises.

I should have never
told you that.

You should never
tell anyone that.

All right, all right.
What-what's your next date?


No, no, no.
The-the genie from Aladdin.

Or-or maybe you'll
have a three-way

with the Hakuna Matata guys?

Shut up.

Make me.

I could make you.

Oh, yeah?


I'm right here.

I'm so sorry.
What? Why?

You're married.

To a man.

That. Uh...

I should go.

No, no, no, no. No, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Here's... okay, the thing
about my marriage is...

I'm not gay.

Does Alan know?

His brain knows,

but his heart may not.

here's the thing.

Here's the thing:
Alan is...

he's my best
friend, okay?

And-and he married me
as a favor

so it would be easier
to adopt Louis.

Okay? And-and...

Well, I mean...
the fact that you

married your
best friend

so that you could
adopt Louis is..

very sweet.

So...'re not
mad at me?

Hakuna matata.

That's my philosophy.


...can we kiss again?

It's been so long since
I've kissed a man.


I wish I could say
the same thing.

Julie, your boobs look
great in that blouse.

I am so jealous.

Thanks to my kids,

mine went from 34B
to 34 "used to be."

I like your boobs.

I don't know.

What do you think, Alan,

should I get 'em done?

Oh, well, I'm no expert.

I-I think they're lovely.

Are you sure?

Oh, my!

You just did that.

Um, you guys, I-I think there's
something I should tell you...

He has nothing
to compare them with.


You guys are my best friends.


Okay, okay.

I-I know you haven't
done this in a while,

so I don't want
to go too fast,

but do you want
to go up to my...

Let's go.


LOUIS (over walkie-talkie):

Can you come here?

He didn't say "over,"
so it doesn't count.

Oh, go check on him.

It's fine.

I've waited for two years,
I can wait a little bit longer.

Thank you.

Oh. Don't start without me.

Or do.

Oh, uh, by the way,
if you want to stay in the mood,

we get all the cartoon channels.

d Men. d


Parenting rule number four:

Sleep is better than sex.

d Men. d

This is the best night
of my life.

I love you girls.

We should get matching tattoos.

I have a better idea.

Let's go to a strip club!

That is better!


d Oh, yes,
it's ladies' night... d

This was a great idea.

That is definitely
bigger than fun size.

Make it rain!

Yeah, give him
some money!

Oh, this just keeps
getting better.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==