Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 5 - Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. - full transcript

Walden looks after a foster child named Louis,but they don't bond the way he hoped they would.

♪ men. ♪

Thanks for coming in, guys.

It's always
a pleasure seeing you.

I mean, she's so pretty.
You're so pretty.

You know anyone
we can set her up with?

I appreciate the thought,
but I am perfectly happy

With my... Cats.


How would you guys feel
about adopting an older child?

Wow. Like, how old
are we talking?

Like, I've been taking care
of this one since he was 43.


He's been a
wonderful provider.

And he only spanks me
when I ask him to.

Wow, that is a lot to take in
before 10:00 a.M. On a Monday.

That's what he said.

Okay, please stop.

That's what he said.

Oh! The reason I bring it up
is because there is

A six-year-old boy
who's been bouncing around

The foster system for a while,

And I think he'd be
a great match for you guys.

Wow, really?

Uh, well, six
is a great age.

but not ashamed of you yet.


Well, uh, can we adopt him
right away?

Well, we'd start
with a weekend visit.

See if it's a good fit,
then, assuming it is,

You guys would become
his foster parents.

After six months,
if everyone agrees,

You can officially adopt him.

Oh, and-and-and
if we don't agree,

Can we credit those six months
to a kid that we do like?

(all laugh)

Wow, I-I always thought
we were gonna get a baby,

But I kind of like the idea
of giving an older kid a shot.

Well, louis certainly
deserves a shot.



Aw, sweet lou.


Uh, is he married to that name
or can we change it?


Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just, you know,
I had my heart set on beckett.

Look, I'm gonna be
honest with you guys.

Louis has had a rough time.

He's been in foster homes,
group homes.

He's moved around a lot.

We thought we had him
placed for adoption

A few months ago,
but it fell through.

So he's gonna be
a little gun-shy.

Well, don't worry about that.

I mean, I'm sure we'll have
a great time together.

Just don't expect a lot.

Same thing I told this one
on our wedding night.

Wow, I really like this idea.

I mean, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna have a son.

How cool is that gonna be?

I mean, and-and
you get to relive

All those great
father-son moments.

♪ by the time
you hear the siren ♪

♪ it's already too late

♪ one goes to the morgue
and the other to jail ♪

♪ one gets wasted
and the other's a waste... ♪


Good thinking.


Yeah, buddy?

Bite me.


(fart echoing)

Yeah, all those

Great father-son moments.

♪ men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ ah.
♪ men.
♪ men.

♪ men. ♪

What the hell?

Walden: Up here!

Check it out!
Isn't this awesome?

They have one just like it
at the google headquarters!

Oh, you know what you get
when you google

"greatest dad in the world"?

This guy!


what is going on?

What is all this?

Oh, uh, well,
I went to the toy store

And got a few things for louis.

"a few things"?
Okay, I don't want to be the guy

To point out the 800-pound
gorilla in the room.

But there's an 800-pound gorilla
in the room.

I just want him to like it here.

Well, so do I.

But if you build disneyland
in your house,

You'll never get the thrill
of taking him to disneyland.

Ah. You're right.

Damn it. I got to cancel
mickey and minnie.


Oh, I was gonna have him

Wake him up in the morning.

(imitating mickey mouse):
Hey, louis.

Ready for breakfast?

We've got orange juice

And waffles shaped just like me!

I think it's great that you're
so excited about being a dad.

And the best part is...
No stretch marks for me.

You know, you're my best friend,

But you're an odd little man.

♪ men. ♪

Oh, hey.

What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep.

Oh, I get it.
Excited about tomorrow?

More like terrified
about tomorrow.

Why are you getting paper towels

In the middle of the..
Oh, you... Never mind.

I don't want to know.

That's a good call.

You want to talk about it?

There's a kid
showing up here tomorrow.

And he needs a dad,
and I don't know if I can do it.

What? Why not?

Well, I've never had
a successful relationship

With anyone in my life
except for you.

Four years next Thursday.

Yeah, I got your wish list.

They're just ideas.
Make it your own.

Look, the fact that you've
screwed up with women

Doesn't mean you can't
be a great father.

I don't even know
what a good dad looks like.

I mean, I know
what a bad dad looks like.

It's an empty chair
across the table from my mom.

Which later gets filled
by my "uncle kenneth"

Who sold speedboats.

And "uncle rob"
who sold insurance.

Then "uncle stan" who sold pot.

I liked uncle stan.

I get it. I didn't grow up
with a dad, either.

When jake was born,
I was scared out of my mind.

Why were you scared?
You're a great dad.

Okay, I'm gonna
tell you something

That I've, I've never
told anybody before.

When jake was a baby...

I dropped him.

Right smack on his head.

Oh, my god.

Now I feel awful
about all the times I said,

"were you dropped
on your head as a baby?"

My point is
that jake turned out fine.

I mean, sure, he had to repeat
seventh grade math

A couple of times, but he was
born at the right time.

You know? Computers.

Wait, so what you're saying is

Even if I screw up a little,
it's not the end of the world?

The fact that you're worried
about being a good dad

Is what's gonna
make you a great one.


You're a good friend.

All right.

I'm gonna go get some sleep.

Good night.
Good night.

Oh, baby jake.

♪ men. ♪

It'll be nice having
a kid around here again.

Running up and
down the stairs.

Laughing at all
the silliest things.

And they'll believe almost
anything you tell them.

No kidding.

Jake still thinks
one of the first men

On the moon was
buzz lightyear.


(doorbell rings)

I'll get it!

You got to admit that would've
been way cooler with a slide.

Look who's here.
Hi, guys.

This is louis.

Hi, louis!
Sweet lou!


We're not booing,
we're lou-ing.

Louis, this is walden and alan.


You're gonna be staying

With them for the weekend.

Oh, uh, don't worry, buddy,

I was only supposed
to stay here for a weekend, too.

12 years later.

Oh, and, uh,

This is berta.
Uh, she helps

Take care of us around here.

Look at that face.

Walden, you might have
some competition

For the best looking
man in the house.

You mean so-some
more competition?


Do you have any cheez-its?

Uh, well, if we don't,
we could get some.

Okay, I'll stay.

All right, well,
I want you guys

To get to know each other,
so I'm gonna go.

But you have my number
if you need anything.
Oh, uh, wait.

Uh, does-does he come with an
instruction manual or something?

You'll be fine.
Bye, louis.

Uh, okay, uh...

Should we have tipped her?

You're asking me?

I don't even tip the pizza guy.

I don't like pizza.

I like cheez-its.

Oh, well, you know,
when you think about it,

A pizza is just
a really big cheez-it

With sauce.

We're gonna get
cheez-its, right?


I'm on it.

I'll be back as
soon as I can.

And, louis?

That's the first time I ever

Said that and meant it.

Hey, louis?
Welcome to our house.

Do you want to come on in?

Oh, my god. Look at him.

He's adorable.

I know, I know.
He's like one of those tv kids.

Maybe we can put him
in commercials.

We know he likes cheez-its.

Alan, do you really want to be

Making less money
than a six-year-old?

Oh, oh, oh. Oh.

Who is that?

This is timothy.

He's a seal.

Oh! Well, hi, timothy.

I'm walden.

And I'm alan.

Timothy doesn't talk.

Oh, right, yeah.

Because he's a seal.

No, because he's a toy.

Right. He-he's a toy.


Wow. Got a lot
of weekend left.

So, which one of you
is the mommy?


Well, that's-that's
a great question.

And one I was hoping
you wouldn't ask

In the first five minutes.

You know, see, in some families,

There's a mommy and a daddy.

But in other families,
like this one,

There's, there's two daddies.


Wow, that is
another great question.

Um... Alan?

No, no. You're doing great.


He's the mommy.

I told you, timothy.

♪ men. ♪

♪ men. ♪

Hey, louis, check it out.

Casa de louis.

Chez louie.

San louis... Obispo.

Basically what I'm saying is
this is your room.

You know, I thought we could
decorate it together.

Lucky. He never let me.

Oh, and check this out.

This is your bed.

But if you're thinking about
jumping up and down on it,

You're gonna be
in a lot of trouble...

If you don't!

Uh, we also heard, uh,
that you like to draw.

So check out
this fully stocked art table.

You got, uh, markers,
crayons, paints.

Someone's gonna put
the "arty" back in "party."


Okay, so, uh, why don't we,
uh, unpack your stuff?

We'll put it in the dresser,
and then we'll go do something.

No, I don't need to unpack.

Oh, okay.

Uh, well, then it's straight
to the good times, huh?

For king louie
the fun-teenth.


I apologize.

So, yeah,

What do you want to do?

You know, we could play a game,

We could go to the park,
we could go to the zoo,

We could go to seaworld
or disneyland

Or legoland, or we could
play legos in the house,

Or we could play house,
or we could build a house,

Or we could listen
to house music.

Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

(alan and walden
imitating house music)

What's up, miami!

Oontz. Oontz.

Or-or we don't have
to do any of that.

We could...

Do something else, like...


Uh, uh, we could,
we could go to the beach.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Oh, but where are we
gonna find one of those?

You live on the beach.

Oh! That's right!

It's your backyard.

So, what do you say?
You want to go?


We got an okay. Okay.
So let's go.

Let's do this.
To the beach we go.

Oh, hey, uh,
if you need a bathing suit,

It's in the top drawer.

So why don't you change,

And we'll change,
and then we'll go

Have a party on the beach.

Oontz. Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

Oontz. Oontz.

Oontz. Oontz.

Oh, my god,
that was like pulling teeth.

Please tell me
this gets easier.

It doesn't,

But the good news
is, you stop trying.

♪ men. ♪

Hey, louis,
look at this.

We're almost done.

Yes, now all we need

Is a flag for the top.

Oh, that's an old band-aid.

Uh, how about this?

We'll take this juice box,

Flip it up here, and we'll put
the straw in like this,

And ta-da!

It's a flag!

Look at this, louis!

All hail

The kingdom
of mount berry cooler!

Oh, oh,

And here comes the king, uh,
returning home from battle.

Walden: And what does
he have with him?

The spoils of war,

All the cheez-its in the land.

Isn't this cool, louis?

I want to go back inside.


It's kind of hot,

And I have to pee.

Well, uh, you know,

The ocean solves
both of those problems.


w-w-we'll meet you inside.

Hey, hey, berta,
he's coming in!

I've got him!

Well, he hates me.


We spent an hour

Building a sand castle,

And all he did was dig a hole.

Who digs holes, alan?

Prisoners, they want to escape.

Oh, walden.

Why are the pretty ones
always so crazy?

Crazy? Am I?

Really? What about earlier
when he didn't want to unpack?

What was that all about?

Nobody likes to unpack.
I hate it.

Oh, is that why
you've never moved out?


Um, misdirected anger,

Your table is ready.

You know what,
he doesn't want to be here.

That's it.

I-I knew I couldn't do this.

Come on, walden,
put yourself in his shoes.

He only spent
half a day with us.

He's gonna need more time
to feel safe here.

Yeah, right.

More time.

You think he'll love me
by tomorrow?

Trust me, walden,

He'll warm up to you
just like I did.

Remember when you moved here?

I wasn't sure
I wanted you to stay.

I bought the house.

And I made it a home.

You're gonna have
to have more patience with him.




Where you going?
The ocean.

I'm hot and I got to pee.

Well, be careful.

He hates me.

Oh, there he is.

Did you put the seat down?

I never put it up.

Can I have a snack?

Do we have snacks?

Let's see.


Take a load off.

When a guy named charlie
lived here,

I had to keep this cabinet

Stocked with coke...

...Co powder.

Because he loved hot chocolate.

I like hot chocolate.

Not like he did.

You like your crackers?


You don't talk much, do you?

I get it.

I was a quiet child.

In fact,

You and I have a lot in common.

You like cheez-its, too?

I do.

But I was also raised

In a whole bunch
of foster homes.

You were?

Yep, and I hated it.

Moving around
all the time,

Having to make friends

And no one ever offered me
grape juice.

Would you like to have
some grape juice?

Yes, please.

But I got to tell you,

We both hit the lottery
with this place.

Walden and alan

Are the best.

They're nice,

They're fun,

And guess what else.


They're easy to fool.

Last year, I went to
my granddaughter's graduation

Seven times.


And with that face...

...You can get anything
you want.

Welcome to malibu, kid.

♪ men. ♪


Can I come in?

What you drawing?


A sand castle.

That's ironic.

Hey, uh, c-can we
talk for a second?

All right.


Look, uh...

I know it's got
to be overwhelming being here

And being in new places
all the time

And with new people
and a new bed.

I mean, heck, for all you know,

There could be monsters
under the bed.

There's monsters?

That's a bad example.

In fact, before you got here,

I de-monsterized
the entire house.

My point is, is...

I'm really glad
you're here, louis.

I just want you
to be comfortable

With alan and I.

So if, so if there's anything
you ever need to talk about,

Like anything at all,
you can come to me.

So, that's all I have to say.

Is there anything
you would like to say?



Just, like, just nothing?

Like, nothing at all?

Can I ask you a question?

Uh, yes, of course.

You can just, any time.

That-that's why I'm here.

So you just ask away.

Is it okay that I can draw
by myself for a little while?


Okay, yeah.

You-you want to be alone.

I get that.

That is not a problem.

So, you want your space,

And I shall give it to you.

I will withdraw while you draw.


Son of a bitch.

♪ men. ♪


oh, god.

Oh, louis.

Oh, hey.


What's going on, man?

It's really late.

I had a question, and you said
we could talk any time.

Well, that's-that's just

Something that people say,

But, I, uh...

Yeah, what-what's up?

Am I gonna stay here with you?

What do you mean?

Sometimes I go to a house
for a weekend,

But then I don't stay.

Oh, buddy, that's what
you're worried about.

Well, come here,
c-come here, okay?

Jump up here.



You can stay here as long
as you want to.

Do you want to?

Uh-huh. I really like it here.

That's... Great.

Really surprising,
but it's great.


I'm not going anywhere,

And as long as you want
to be here,

You're not going anywhere,

And believe me, alan is gonna be
here longer than the both of us.

So don't you worry.


So you really like it here, huh?

All right, what was
the best part of the day?

The cheez-its.


And I like berta.

Berta's great,

And you like me, too, right?

Berta's so funny.

Patience, patience.


As long as you're happy.


It is cool, louis.

It's very cool.

Where's alan?

Look at us.

We're like
the three musketeers.

I don't think the
three musketeers

Shared a bed.

You don't know that.

They were french.

Where's berta?


♪ men. ♪

♪ men. ♪

And then you pull the bird back,

And then let them go fly
into the pig's house.

And then they roll around,
and then they explode.

And then it's fun.

Angry birds sounds like
it's fun.

You know,
I bet the birds are so angry

'cause they don't get
enough sleep.

It's the pigs
who should be angry.

The birds are always crashing
into their house,

Even when they build them
out of ice or in space.

I wonder if the pigs are
from three little pigs.

That's messed up
because the wolf already broke

Their old houses.

Little help, alan?
(alan snoring)