Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 3 - Glamping in a Yurt - full transcript

Alan and Walden must be perceived as a loving couple during a meeting with an adoption social worker. However, Lyndsey returns from rehab and makes their plans more difficult.

English Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E03 (720p) Glamping in a Yurt HDTV [KoTuWa]

Previously on
Two and a Half Men...

I almost died, Alan.

But the important thing is
you didn't.

Other than you guys
and my mom, I got nobody.

At least you got Jake.

I want to have a kid of my own.

There's no way you're getting
a baby-- you're a single guy,

and the system is really geared
towards married couples.

Alan Harper,
will you marry me?

I now pronounce you married.

You may kiss.

♪ Men. ♪

Um, yes, this is Walden Schmidt.

I'd like to order
a credit card for my husband,

Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.

Uh, yeah, and, uh,
refresh my memory.

What's the cash advance limit
on my black card?

Holy new Rolex.

Oh, oh, m-my mother's
maiden name?

Uh, I didn't really know her
before she was married, so...


Um, uh, I'll call back later.


It's not like the kids won't
still be starving in an hour.


Hey, I was meaning
to ask you something.

Um, what's your
mother's maiden name?

This might be easier if I just
give you my online password.


It's “Don't order
credit cards in my name.”

Right, uh, all one word,
no spaces?

Hey, there's
the newlyweds.

I made you some
honeymoon pancakes.


They're in the shapes
of hearts and arrows.

Oh, actually,
they're asses and...

Uh, sure--
hearts and arrows.

Alan, my arrow's twice
as big as yours.

Mine's life-size.

I'm still gonna be hungry.

I just realized,

that I worked for you
when you were single.

And now you're married.

Maybe someday I'll be working
for you when you're a widower.

Bacon, Zippy?

So, how's the adoption
process going?

Is somebody other than Alan
calling you “Daddy”?

It's going great.

We have a meeting with
the social services department

this week.


So, if you do get a kid,
which room is he gonna live in?

Oh, guys, I'm kind of
a drunken slut,

I don't think I should
share a room with a baby.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 12x03 ♪
Glamping in a Yurt
Original Air Date: 2014-11-13


Sync, corrected by elderman

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, what ya doing?

Oh, paperwork for our meeting
with the social worker.

Um, household
net worth.

Well, let's see, uh, you're
worth a billion dollars,

so together we are worth...

A little bit less than
a billion dollars.

Hey, so Evelyn said it's cool
if I crash at her place.

What, wait--
it was that easy?

My mom never
lets me stay there.

Yeah, she's gonna let me live
in the guest house.

There's a guest house?!

If-if you need, uh, help
moving, let us know.

Thanks, but Evelyn said
I could borrow the Range Rover.

There's a Range Rover?!

Oh, hey, uh, what should
I put down for, uh...

“Why do you want
to adopt a child”"


'Cause we're dudes,

and we don't have
baby holes?

You know you have
to sell yourself

as a real couple, right?

We are a real couple.

That's why we got married
in the first place.

Yeah, it also gave us the chance
to register at Crate & Barrel

for this fabulous stemware.


See, you're making jokes instead

of expressing real emotion.

You're gonna have to prove that
you're a real couple, you know?

That you're in love,
that you're soul mates,

that you can't survive
without the other.

I actually can't survive
without him.

I am just saying,

I don't want to see you

put all this work in and not get

the payoff you deserve.

It's like when you get
“the tap.”

Get the what?
The tap.

You know, when you're
in bed with a girl,

and you've been
down there for a while,

and suddenly she gives you
the old “Thanks for trying” tap

on the top of the head.


Oh, yeah, the tap, yeah.

I hate the tap.

You know, I am sure
that we can be believable

as a loving couple.

- You want to see believable?
- This...



I'm sorry.

You have this one nose hair
that keeps going in and out.


And I laughed because
no one could possibly love me.

♪ Men. ♪

Guess what I just finished.

Once again,

you don't have to tell me
every time you masturbate.

I will not apologize
for sharing my day with you.

But that is not this.

It is my essay describing

what I love about
my love about my spouse,

for our meeting
with the social worker.

Good. I'm so nervous
about this meeting

I'm somehow constipated and
wracked with explosive diarrhea.

You're not the only one
who can share his day.

Well, after she reads this,

there's no way she won't
believe we're a couple.

Okay, uh, “Walden is the most
caring person I know.

He always puts my needs
before his own.”

Uh, “Whether it's surprising me

“with an espresso and a
chocolate croissant in bed,

“glamping in a yurt
at Big Sur,

“or sneaking up behind me
in the shower with a loofah

to exfoliate those hard-to-reach

“...he's my everything--

my husband, my lover,
my friend.”

“My Wally Bear.”

My God.

I know.

Now read me yours.

Okay, um...

“Alan is my best friend.”

Loving it!

“He's 47 years old.

“He used to be a chiropractor.

“He has never been
convicted of a felony.

And his favorite meal
is swordfish.”

Are you kidding me?

That's what you love about me?

That I've never
been convicted of a felony?

I told you it's
a work in progress.

What do you want me to say?

He masturbates
with impressive frequency?

At least that would show
you're paying attention.

And, by the way--

my favorite meal
is red snapper.

Hi, Alan.


Lyndsey, what's, uh,
what's going on?

I-I thought you were
in rehab.

I was, I-I got out
a couple days ago.

Oh, well, that's great.
C-Come on it.

How'd it go?

It was the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life.

But-but on the plus side,

it was right up the
street here in Malibu,

so ocean views,
spa, chef,

it was like
a five-star hotel.

Except they take
your shoelaces.

Well, I'm sure you two have
a lot to talk about.

So, I'm just gonna go
in the kitchen

and pretend I'm not listening.

Um, so, Lyndsey,
I-I'm so proud of you.

Uh, how are you doing?

I'm good.

Um, I-I just got my 60-day chip.

And part of my recovery
is to make amends

to the people I've hurt.


I apologize for everything I did
to you while I was drinking.

Oh, well, I appreciate that, um,

but some of the things
you did to me,

you don't have to apologize for.

I mean, we had sex
in a Chipotle.

I ate my burrito,
you ate my burrito.

I ate your taco.

And I later threw up
in your car.

Yes, uh, but chunks weren't the
only thing you blew that day.

Um, there is one other thing.

If-if I haven't burned
too many bridges,

I was wondering if maybe you
and I could give it another try.

Oh, wow.

Wow, that-that
is flattering.

Um, it's just...

You're seeing somebody else.

Uh, kind of, um...

Uh, uh, I'm...

You're married?!

That doesn't make any sense.

Who is she?


Uh, she is-is
actually, uh, a “he”"


It's... it's Walden.

Oh, my God.

Walden's gay?!

♪ Men. ♪

So, I guess what
I'm interested in is

how you two got together.

Uh, well, w-we met
at the dog park.

His Labradoodle
sniffed my shih tzu.

I remember when I proposed.

I-I got down on one knee,

and I looked up
into his beautiful... eyes,

and I asked him to share
his life with me.

I guess what
I'm getting at is the fact

that you've both been
married to women before.

So, when did you realize
you were gay?

Oh, well, on some level,
I've always known. Um...

I mean, throughout, uh,
both of my marriages,

I was in complete denial.

Um, but after I met Walden,

I finally felt safe
to-to be myself.

Uh, I remember
our first date.

Uh, we went to the Bowl to
see the Grease sing-along.

Ah, “Tell me more,
tell me more.”

Well, uh, Walden was
dressed as Danny Zuko,

uh, and I was Sandy--

uh, hot Sandy, you
know, in the leather.

No, no, no, I was doing
the song, you know--

♪ Tell me more,
tell me more... ♪

Oh, my God!

Did I miss a show tune cue?!

Somebody take away my gay card.

And how about you, Walden?

When did you know you were gay?

I guess my first clue was
when I saw Basic Instinct.

All my friends were looking up
Sharon Stone's skirt,

and I was just looking
at her shoes.

And I guess I got married
because of social pressures,

but, eventually,
I had to be true to who I am.

And I've never
looked back since.

Unless I'm behind him.

That's a good one.


You two are
an interesting couple.

Yeah, I see hundreds
of potential parents,

but you two are
different somehow.

I'm not sure what it is.

Well, uh, maybe it's the fact

that I-I look like I'm wearing
makeup, but I'm not.

Y-You know, we may not be
like other couples, but...

I know we can be
good parents.

I get that, but it is my job

to be a hundred percent sure
before I place a child.

No, n-no,
look, look...

I-I know we can provide
unconditional love to a child,

a-and w-we can create a safe,
secure environment, and...

What do people
that get kids say?

How about this--

how about I come out
to your house?

We normally do
a site visit anyway.

This way I could get to know
you guys a little better.

Yeah, great, yeah,
why don't you come on over,

and you'll see that we're
j-just a normal loving couple.

Right, sweetie?

That-that's right,
Wally Bear.

I love this guy.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪


Oh, flowers.
Nice touch.

Gives the house a homey feel.

They're for you.


I'm, uh, actually a lily man.

Uh, but they're very nice.

Alan, listen.

Jenny was right.

We are not believable
as a loving couple,

and I think that's why Miss
McMartin wasn't sure about us.

Now, this has
to be real.

And that includes--

being comfortable with
physical affection.

Like this.

Come on.

Loosen up.

I-I'm loose, it just feels
a little forced, that's all.

Okay, well, let
it be natural.

Just snuggle into
these broad shoulders.

I do feel safe.

Damn right, you do.

You're with
your Wally Bear.

Now, look
into my eyes.

Like this?

Yeah, exactly.

And don't look away.

We love each other.

You're at home.

Oh, I just noticed a little
green fleck in your right eye.

It's like a-a downy
patch of moss

on the trunk
of a majestic oak.

Thank you.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not
good-looking enough for you.

Come on.

You're perfect just
the way you are.

My Alley Cat.

A nickname.


I worry that you don't know
how much you mean to me.

I want to be
your everything.

All right, yeah!

That was convincing.

We do that in front
of Miss McMartin,

we'll get ten babies.

Yeah, yeah.

That was good enough
to fool just about anyone.

♪ Men. ♪

So, this is
our kitchen.

We love to
cook together.

Uh, correction,
I love to cook,

he loves to eat.

See? This is what
I wanted to see.

The two of you just
being yourselves.

Happy, relaxed.

Oh, I'll get that.

If you really want
to see us relaxed

you should come by
for brunch someday.

The Mary's are bloody
and the Lorraine's are quiche.

Oh, I can see why
you fell in love with him.


What did you see exactly?



Um, have you
been drinking?

Uh, ding-ding-ding,
we have a wiener...

Whoa, whoa,
okay, okay, shh!

W-What are you
doing here?

Well, you said
you and Walden

are just getting married
to get a kid.

So, there's no reason you can't
have sex with me on the side.

You know, the “DL.”

That means “Do Lyndsey.”

Okay, okay, okay, this
is not a good time.

Uh, the-the social
worker's here.

Oh, that's great!

I can help you guys.

I can tell her that
you'll be good parents.

And I know because
I'm a g... Oh.


Okay, um...

maybe-maybe we should go
to my room a-and talk.

I won't be able to talk much,
'cause my mouth will be full.

Wink, wink.

Hopefully with breath mints.

You wait in here and I will
call a cab to take you home.

My home is in your pants.

What happened? Why did
you start drinking again?

Well, 'cause you married Walden.

The only person in your life
who's prettier than me.

But you know we're just
doing that to get a kid.

Yeah, but if I wasn't
so screwed up last year,

then we would still be together.

Then we could get married
and have a baby.

We could sell that baby
to Walden.

'Cause let's face it,

we don't want to raise
another kid,

'cause both our kids suck.

Okay, uh, refreshing,
drunk honesty aside,

um, d-don't blame yourself.

We all made mistakes.

But we shouldn't let those
mistakes ruin things for Walden.

Shh. You talk too much.

Let's party.

Lyndsey? Lyndsey?

Wow, a half-naked drunk girl
is in my bed and I'm leaving.

Maybe I am gay.

I like to imagine the
family gathered here,

eating an all-organic,
gluten-free meal

of quinoa salad
and kale chips

while watching the
original reality TV:

a beautiful
ocean sunset.

As long as this is a stable
environment for a child,

I don't care
if you're eating Hot Pockets

and watching Honey Boo Boo.

Uh, uh, Wally Bear, uh, can
I borrow you for a minute?

Is it an emergency,
Alley Cat?

Uh, it's more of a-a pickle, uh,
that needs immediate attention.

Oh, it's okay. Go.

Yeah, I would never come between
a man and his husband's pickle.

Lyndsey's here.
She's drunk.


She wants to have sex with me.


Wait... Where is she?

She's passed out in my room.

Okay, okay, we-we need
to get Ms. McMartin

out of here as fast as we can.

Right, right. Oh, um,
by the way, when Lyndsey

tried to kiss me,
I was totally into it.

I don't know why I was worried.

Worried about what?

Nothing. Let's get her
out of here.

Mm. Everything okay?

Yes, we just had to reset the...
The, um...

on the stave.

But, uh, everything's

okay now. Uh, c-can
I get you anything?

Like directions for
your drive home, or...

You know, I actually
do have to get going.

I did not realize it was this late.


I'm so disappointed.

I'll just get your things
and walk you out.

Oh. There we go.

I got to say,
you look at that view

and you never want to leave.

And yet you must.

Unless you want to adopt me.

You're so funny.
Here's your jacket.

Oh, my God.


This jacket,
it's-it's fantastic.

What is this, wool?
I think so, yeah.

Really? Because I... I would've
thought it was linen.

Doesn't it feel
“linen-sy”, Alan?

No, it's
definitely wool.

Holy crap.

Uh... I forgot to
flip the cushions

on the deck

Imagine the



Here we go,
almost got it.

If you could
just stay still...

Yeah... Oh.

Uh, all right, that's it.
That wasn't so hard, was it?

Actually, it was a lot harder
than it needed to be, but...

That's what he said.

Uh, well...
Oh, your purse.

Well, thank you, guys.

Uh, you'll be hearing
from me soon.

Got it. Bye.

Oh, my God.

Is Lyndsey okay?

Oh, sure. She's practically
indestructible when she's drunk.

I've seen her fall down
a flight of stairs

and not spill her mojito.

I'm so sorry,
I forgot my phone.

Oh. Here it is, right
here on the table. Hey.

Oh, hey. Ho!

Got it. And
get the hell out of here.

Oh, one last thing. Um, I'm not
supposed to say anything,

but unless something
crazy happens,

you're gonna get approved.


Get out of here.


I'm here to help
with the baby.


Who is this?

Uh, uh, she is...

Oh, you know what,
this happens all the time.

Tourists get an out-of-date
map to celebrity homes.

Honey, Charlie Sheen
doesn't live here anymore.



And who is this?

I fell down
in the sand.

This is...

I'm the next-door
neighbor. Hi.

Uh, we were having
a get-together

and this one got away.

Our next-door neighbor.
That... Oh, that's right,

I remember you

from the Fourth of
July block party.

Yeah... Oh, which, by the way,
is amazing for kids.

A waterslide,
shaved ice.

My waterslide's

Okay, time to go home.

And, um, you know what?

These guys are great.
Ask anyone on our block.

We're all pulling for them
to get a kid.

Thank you.
You're very sweet.

Okay, here we go.

No, where are you
taking me?

To get a drink.

Aw, you're
my best friend.

Boy. Glad I never
gave her a baby.

You and me both.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪


what is the one thing

you've never gotten
from your mother?

Uh, let's see, uh,
love, respect,

a home-cooked meal,
breast milk, um...

Okay, this is gonna
take too long.


Wait, are-are you
trying to tell me

Ms. McMartin
approved us to adopt?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
that's great.

I am really happy for you.

Thank you. I-I couldn't
have done this without you.

And so, to say thank you,
I got you a little something.

Oh, you didn't have to.

Oh, my God.

Tickets to the Grease
sing-along at the Bowl.

You can take anyone you want.

♪ You're the one that I want ♪

♪ You are the one I want,
ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪


♪ We'll go together
like... ♪

Oh, my God, I'm turning
into my husband.

Sync, corrected by elderman