Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 2 - A Chic Bar in Ibiza - full transcript

English Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E02 (720p) A Chic Bar in Ibiza HDTV [KoTuWa]

Previously on
Two and a Half Men...

I'm dead.

You're in the hospital.
You had a mild heart attack.

I almost died, Alan.

But the important thing is
you didn't.

Other than you guys and my mom,
I got nobody.

At least you
got Jake.

I want to have a kid of my own.

You are obviously more than qualified.
Thank you.

I'd start looking
at golden retriever puppies,



'cause there's no way
you're getting a baby.

You're a single guy,
and the system

is really geared
towards married couples.

Alan Harper,
will you marry me?

♪ Men. ♪

Wait. You seriously
want to marry me?

Yes.

Alan Jerome Harper,

would you be my wi...?

Hus...?

Life buddy?

Okay, I'm a little confused.

And not like the time I-I got
that massage from that lady-boy.

Look, I want
to adopt a kid,



and the quickest way for me
to do that is to get married.

And if I'm gonna
settle for someone,

it might as well be you.

That's exactly what
my first wife said.

Listen, I-I know
this sounds crazy,

but you would be doing me
the biggest favor of my life.

Walden, there are
literally millions of women

who would marry you
at the drop of a hat.

Yeah, but I wouldn't be
half as happy

with any of them
as I would be with you.

Go on.

When-when I think of
the ten things I want in a wife,

you have nine of them.

You're my best friend,
you're trustworthy,

you're loving, you're smart,
you'll never leave me.

Married or not, till
death do us part.

You're funny,
you're understanding.

You don't care
if I leave the toilet seat up.

I actually prefer it.

Although, the other night,
I forgot it was up,

and I had a surprise
splash-down.

I was like a
turtle on its back.

Right there. That's another one.

As long as you're around,

I will never be the most
awkward guy in the room.

So, what's the one thing

you want in a wife
that I don't have?

Oh. Right, right.

I-I do not have
one of those.

I barely have one of these.

I mean, how would
this work exactly?

I mean, we're gonna
pretend to be a couple?

We wouldn't pretend.

We're actually going
to be a same-sex married couple.

And like most married couples,
we will not have sex.

Not even on my birthday?

Sorry, sorry... flashback
to the first wife.

So, so, I can have
crazy, anonymous sex

with any woman I want?

No. You will still be you.

Oh.

Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.

Dr. Alan Schmidt.

What are you doing?

Oh, just trying
to see what sounds best.

Yes, Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt,

welcome back
to the Four Seasons.

Your ocean front suite is ready.

Okay, cut the Schmidt.

Oh, yeah, I'd have
to put up with that Schmidt.

But you know what?
I'm gonna own it.

I don't give a Schmidt.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, yes, I'll marry you,
you big dumb Schmidt.

Ah.

Oh, please tell me that's
ChapStick in your pocket.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 12x02 ♪
A Chic Bar in Ibiza
Original Air Date: 2014-11-06

.

Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man

♪ Men. ♪

Hi, Mom.
Thanks for coming over.

What is so important

that I had to leave halfway
through my bikini wax?

I look like a black
and white cookie.

Wow. In one fell swoop, there
goes cookies and vaginas.

What's going on?

Is this another
intervention?

For the millionth time, I do not
have a drinking problem.

No, Evelyn.
It's-it's a celebration.

Well, in that case,

I'll have a double martini
and hold the vermouth.

Hello. I'm Robin.
I'm Walden's mother.

Oh, how nice
to finally meet you.

You have a wonderful son
and amazing breasts.

Who did them?

God?

Well, he's still the best.

Although Dr. Schenkman
runs a close second.

They are lovely.

Okay, can everyone stop talking
about my mom's boobs? God.

Oh, my God, that's why I had
so many friends in high school.

So, what's
the big announcement?

Uh... Well...

Alan and I...

We're getting married!

Dude! What the hell! We
agreed I was gonna say it.

Sorry, sorry.
I'm just so excited.

Uh, no offense, but
can't you do better than Alan?

Back up. You are marrying him?

Yup.

Ow! What was
that for?

For marrying Zippy.

Hey! Why are you
hitting me?!

For being Zippy.

This sounds great,
except for one thing.

You guys aren't gay.

No, we're not gay.

We are getting
married because...

It'll make it easier
for him to adopt a child!

Aah, come on!

Uh, thank you, Berta.

Hold on.

You want a child?

Yes. I've been doing
a lot of thinking

about my life,
and I believe

that having a kid would
add more meaning to it.

Parenthood can be
very rewarding.

Some of the time.

So, this marriage
is just a sham?

I didn't march in all
of those gay rights parades

so you guys could make a mockery
of our hard-won civil liberties.

You marched in
those parades

so you could get drunk
and pick up chicks.

Hard-won chicks.

All right, look, we're not
making a mockery of anything,

and I get the challenges
that gay couples face,

but I-I also know that there
are a lot of kids out there

that are just looking
for a good home,

and I think we
can provide that.

And I get health insurance.

You guys are lucky
you're in California.

In some states, they still don't
let gay couples get married

or adopt kids.

You know, when
I was in Utah,

I vomited on a police officer,
and I was arrested.

Simply for being gay.

Wow, this is a lot to take in.

My son is going to get married
and have a child with...

Oh, God, where...
where did I go wrong?

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, there he is,
my same-sex shorty.

My friend with no benefits.

My boo.

You know, I do have 99 problems,
and you're all of them.

What's all this?

Uh, oh, I'm, uh...

I'm making a dream
board for our wedding.

Uh, there's also
a Pinterest page,

or you can go to: Alan
and Walden's big day dot com.

Yeah, I got the link
you sent me.

Uh, I really loved
the photoshopped picture

of both us peeking
around the same tree.

However, you know,

we're not doing, like,
a big, lavish wedding.

Oh, okay, I get it.

You know,
small destination wedding.

Just the two of us, the beach,
wearing leis around our necks,

matching linen shirts,
sand tickling our toes.

Seagulls flying overhead.

Ca-kaw! Ca-kaw!

And where do you see this
happening?

Well, obviously,
there's Hawaii and Cabo.

Um,

I'd be happy
with either one of those.

Um, but I hear that Greece is
fabulous this time of year.

And just FYI, Mykonos is very
friendly to same-sex couples.

Opa!

Nopa!

We're getting married
in the courthouse.

Please tell me “the courthouse"
is a chic bar in Ibiza.

No, it's a rundown courthouse

around the corner
from the Jiffy Lube.

We'll pay 50 bucks,

we'll do some paperwork,

and if you're good,
we'll go outside

to the food truck,
and I'll buy you a gyro.

Opa!

Oh.

Okay. I see.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Talk to me.

No, it's fine.

You know, I just
wanted to make sure

this whole thing
was special for us,

for you, but, you know,
it's no big deal.

I'm sure we can
still make it special.

Maybe, uh... maybe Jenny
can take some pictures

on her iPhone.

Alan, come on.

Don't touch me.

Look, this isn't about us.

It's about bringing
a kid into our lives.

It's a simple
business transaction,

like paying an electric bill,
or buying dinner, or...

writing a rent check.

Stop me when I land on something
you've actually done.

I just got excited

because I've never had the
wedding I always dreamed of.

Right, the wedding
that every little boy dreams of.

You know, we still need
to get each other rings.

We can just get something
online.

Or we could go into
Beverly Hills and have brunch,

and go ring shopping together.

Really?

Sure.

Because I do have ideas.

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, Berta,

do we have any carrots?

Oh, wait. I've got 14 karats
of white gold

right here.

You'll make a beautiful
bride, Zippy.

Hey.
Hey, there's my future baby daddy!

If I got to listen to this,
I got to be a lot higher.

Hey, uh, I got some paperwork
for you to sign.

Oh, uh, and I've got some
paperwork for you to sign.

Guess it's true. Married couples
do start to think alike.

Maybe soon, we'll start to
look alike, he said hopefully.

It's the application form
for our marriage license.

Oh, look at you.
Yeah.

I guess somebody's
gonna get that money

for that Mani-pedi
he wants after all.

Ah, you spoil me.

No, I'm just trying to be
a good business partner.

The Johnson to
your Johnson.

Wait, that-that
didn't come out right.

So, uh... so what do
you need me to sign?

Uh, just this.

Oh. What's that?

Oh, it's a simple dissolution
of services agreement.

Oh! Oh, you-you mean,
like a... like a prenup?

Yup. So, it's not a big deal.

Just go ahead and sign it,
he said hopefully.

Why do we need a prenup?

And here we go.

Uh...

when couples get married,

finances become complicated,

and this just simplifies it.

Oh, does it?

'Cause it seems like
it's pretty simple right now.

You don't trust me.

Okay, that's not true at all.

Isn't it?

I mean, is this what
you really think of me?

That I'm some kind
of gold digger?

Okay, yes, I have lived here
four years rent-free.

Look, why do you have
to make this difficult?

You know, why do you make
everything so difficult?

It's like yesterday at brunch,
when you sent back the champagne

because the bubbles didn't taste
like “a mouthful of stars”"

If it doesn't explode in
your mouth, what's the point?

You said that to the waiter,
too, and it was troubling then!

Look, I'm just trying
to protect my assets.

Oh-oh, yeah? Well, then maybe
I should protect my assets.

You know, don't worry, I'm pretty sure
that your VHS copy

of Dirty Dancing
and your complete collection

of Ghostbusters trading cards
are safe.

I am a collector
of '80s movie memorabilia.

And hobby mocking is not
an attractive color on you.

Hobby mocker.

I also have one other asset
that you cannot have,

my dignity.

Your dignity?!
Mm-hmm.

Your dignity...?
Yes.

Really? 'Cause I'm pretty sure
that the security guard

at the shopping mall had
to remove the bench

from outside of Victoria's
Secret because of you!

Mall flogger!

I got to tell you, I'm having a lot of
second thoughts right now.

Really? Because this is exactly
where I want to be in my life,

begging a 47-year-old man
to marry me.

Now sign the prenup!

I agreed to marry you,
but that doesn't mean you get

to shove whatever you want
down my throat

and expect me to swallow it!

Do-do you... do you even hear

the words that you are saying?!

How about these words?
The wedding's off!

I can't even get Alan Harper
to marry me.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪
Boy, this better be important.

I just saw you
two days ago.

Walden and I broke up.
The-the wedding is off.

Oh, Alan.

You had a rich husband
on the hook

and you couldn't reel him in.

What happened?

Well, he asked me to sign
a prenup and I refused.

Well, of course you refused.

The woman I paid to raise you
did not raise a fool.

Mom, I don't want his money.

Never say that again.

Is that a new ring?

Feels like Cartier.

Yes, it is.
And you know who gave it to me?

My rich husband.

When Marty and I married, the
only thing I was willing to sign

was his “do not resuscitate”
order.

Walden says this wedding is just
a-a business transaction.

H-How many business
transactions end

with the release of
grand monarch butterflies?

Darling, it is
just business.

He's using you
to get what he wants,

and you should be using him
to get what you want:

financial security.

I'm not doing it for
financial security.

Walden genuinely
wants a child,

the same way that I wanted
Jake and-and you wanted...

Charlie.

I just thought that
after four years together

that he would trust me
when it comes to money.

Oh, darling, after 47 years,
I don't trust you.

Maybe, uh, a-a
prenup is justified.

Maybe I am just a sponge.

A-a-a parasite.

And-and he tolerates me
because he's my best friend.

And I've let him down,

and all I want to
do is make him happy.

“Best friend.”

“Happy.”

I just have no idea where
you got these warped views

on marriage.

He wouldn't sign a prenup?

No, he got all upset
and he threw a hissy fit.

“You don't trust me.
The wedding's off.

I'm going to
Ibiza by myself”"

Let's face it, the man
is simply not your equal.

If the two of you were
on a plane that crashed

in the mountains, Alan would be
the first person eaten.

On the other hand,

you're handsome,
successful, smart.

You would be eaten last.

You're just saying I'd be eaten
last 'cause you're my mom.

Well, listen, I know you're
serious about this child thing,

so I mentioned your situation
to a very cute intern at work.

You didn't.

Oh, Jessica's very amenable
to striking a business deal.

Plus,

she's already visited
Dr. Schenkman,

if you know what I mean.

Mom, that's exactly
what I don't want.

I don't even
know this Jess...

Holy Schenkman.

Look, I-I w...

No, she'd be eaten first.

Look, no, I want
someone that I can trust.

That's why I picked Alan
in the first place.

How can you possibly trust him?

He siphons gas out of your car.

Technically, I never caught him.

I just assumed that he did it

'cause the garden hose smelled
like gas

and one time he burped
near a candle

and it lit the couch on fire.

I don't know why you ever
let Alan live with you in the first place.

Uh, for starters,
he saved my life.

And... he's been
there for me,

every time that I needed him
and even times when I didn't.

The bottom line is...

he's my best friend.

Jessica could be
your best friend.

I'm not going out with Jessica.

Fine. I get it.

I do have another intern
that you might like better.

His name is Derek.
He does Pilates...

Mom, I'm not gay!

I-I just want to marry a man.

Why is that so difficult
to understand?

♪ Men. ♪

Hey.

Hey.

Listen...
About earlier...

Uh, that-that's,
that's my fault.

I-I totally get why I need
to sign a prenup.

I mean, there's guys standing
at freeway onramps

that make more money than I do.

You know what,
you don't need to sign it.

Despite my mother's objections

and despite everything
I've learned from...

two seasons of Basketball Wives,

I trust you completely.

That's nice, but, uh,

I already signed it
and sent it to your attorney.

Really?

Thank you. I-I owe you.

You owe me nothing.

I mean, other than two dollars
for the envelope

and $1.75 for postage.

Nothing for gas?

No, I just filled up.

Will you still be my husband?

You know I can't quit you.

Listen, I-I know
this isn't the wedding

that you've always dreamed of,

but I-I got a little surprise
for you for the ceremony.

Tell me Vera Wang
started making tuxes.

Even better.

♪ When a man loves another man ♪

♪ Can't keep his mind
on nothing else... ♪

Oh... my... God.

It's like you live
inside my dreams.

Happy wife, happy life.

Uh, fellas, can
we get this going?

There's a lot of gay couples
here who'd like to get married

before the Supreme Court
changes its mind.

Plus, this place
is crawling with cops,

and I've got six months
to a year hidden in my purse.

♪ When a man loves
another man ♪

Kill it, Bolton.

Hello, Michael.

You know, I have a vibrator
named after you.

Well, that's very flattering.

Would you like me to sign it?

I have a special pen.

What a coincidence.

I have a bit of
a nasty habit

of putting the tips
of pens into my mouth.

We're here
to join Walden Schmidt

and Alan Harper
in legal marriage.

Have you two written
your own vows?

No, the, uh, standard...
the standard

“for richer, for poorer”
actually fits us quite well.

Actually,

I've written
a little something down.

What? You didn't.

I wanted to surprise you.

Vows and Bolton?

♪ When a man... ♪

Not the cue, Bolton.

Today,

I'm marrying
my best friend.

Do not cry.

Keep it together, Alan.

In the last four years,
I've been through a lot.

Uh, there's been good times
and bad times.

But through it all,
you were there.

And I can't imagine
a future without you.

I guess what I'm trying
to say is...

I love you.

I love you, too.

This is the gayest wedding
I've ever been to.

I think it's beaut...
Wh-Whose hand is on my ass?

Sorry.
Sorry.

Walden,

do you take Alan to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And, Alan, do you take Walden
to be your...

Try and stop me.

I now
pronounce you married.

You may kiss.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Um, kiss. Right.

Let's...

Aw, what the hell.

♪ When a man loves
another man... ♪

♪ Men. ♪
Morning.

Hey. There's the old
balls and chain.

How was your
wedding night?

Much like my first one.

I spent it
masturbating alone.

You're the only guy I know

that would register
for lotion and tissues.

That was some party
last night, huh?

Yeah, it must have been.
I woke up out here.

And I'm pretty sure I'm
wearing Jenny's underwear.

Yeah.

The whole evening's
a little fuzzy for me, too.

The last thing I remember
is you doing body shots

off of Michael Bolton.

All of us did body shots
off of Michael Bolton.

Even our moms got along.

I wasn't sure they'd
click at first, but...

in the end, they
came together.

♪ When a man ♪

♪ Loves two women... ♪

Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man