Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 12 - A Beer-Battered Rip-Off - full transcript

Walden's worried how his "relationship" with Miss McMartin will affect his plans to adopt Louis. Alan's hoping Lyndsey will stay in L.A. now they are back together. But she already sold her house so Alan tries help her find a place to stay. But when she suggest they move in together Alan doesn't respond well. So Lyndsey decides to go to San Francisco. Later Alan and Walden talk and Walden says Alan doesn't want to move in with Lyndsey because he doesn't want to leave the house. And Alan tells Walden Miss McMartin is perfect for him. So they both try to get them back.

♪ Men. ♪

Okay, here it is.

This is Louis' first
science fair project.

You're gonna love it.


Louis made this all by himself.

Last time I was here,

he got the straw from his
juice box stuck in his nose.

He also got it unstuck.

Uh, check it out.

So, uh, so we'll take
a piece of bread, all right?

Put it in the mouth,

where the saliva will
start to dissolve the bread.

And then it'll travel
down to the stomach,

where the acids will break down
the complex carbohydrates.

At which point it will
move past the appendix,

which does nothing.

Yeah, we should rename
that the Alan.

Uh, and then it'll go
to the small intestines,

the large intestines,
where finally...

Oh, dear God.

Uh, no, it's okay,
it's a Hershey's Kiss.


So the reason I came
over is to tell you--

we are ready to start
the final steps

for you to officially
adopt Louis.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna
Hershey's Kiss my pants.

But before the
adoption is final,

I want you to tell Louis
you two aren't gay.

Are you sure that this is
the best time to do that?

I mean, I haven't even
talked to him

about the birds
and the bees,

let alone the bees
and the bees.

I know there is never
a perfect time

to tell your son his two dads
aren't gay...

...but it'll be more harmful
the longer you wait.

Yeah, but it's just,
like, h-how do I tell him?

Um, does Hallmark make
a "Sorry, son,

it turns out
I'm straight" card?

You've been a fantastic father
so far.

I am confident
you will handle this

with the utmost attention
and care.


Him I'm worried about.

Sorry I'm late.

Uh, I took Louis
to the mall

to get him some
new school clothes.

He's trying them on
right now.

Plus there was a new kiosk
that will bedazzle anything.

Got an iPhone case for my boo.

Now, I'm gonna bedazzle
your cheek with some sugar.

Alan, as your social worker,
I cannot accept gifts.

And as your "boo,"
hell no.

I can't believe
I'm just realizing this,

but the perfect person
to date a social worker

is a needy child.

We were just discussing
that it would be

in the best interest
of Louis to tell him

you two aren't actually gay.

Oh, I agree
100 percent.

I mean, it's not like anyone was
buying either one of us

as a gay man anyway.

Ooh, that top is
fierce, girl. Rawr.

Louis, could you come
in here for a second?

Oh, oh, we're doing
it right now?

It will be such a relief
to discontinue this charade.

What are you wearing?

Alan says between business
casual and country club chic.

Now turn around.

He's "bedazzle-ous."

Okay, should we
tell him now?

I don't think
he's gonna believe us.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 12x12 ♪
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
Original Air Date on Janu

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, hey, Berta.

I talked to Louis.

He said you guys told him
you're not gay.

Yeah, we didn't want
to lie to him anymore.

So now you're just
lying to yourself.


Hi, Alan. Can we talk?
Sure, come on in.

Uh, can I give you
a hand with your box?

Boy, I haven't said that
to you in a while.

I'll say to you now
what I said to you then.

It's easier
if I just do it myself.

I was cleaning out
my house,

and I found some
of your old things.

Oh, look at
this stuff.

Oh, here's a picture from
our Caribbean vacation.

Oh, remember how I got
stung by that jellyfish?

Of course I do-- you made me pee
on you to neutralize the pain.

Seems like you got stung
a lot on that vacation.

Did I?


Oh, look.

Wow, my old boom box.

Oh, and it still has that
mix CD I made for us.

"Now That's What I Call
Nasty, Volume 69."

♪ A little bit of Mary ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ A little bit of Jessica,
here I am ♪

♪ A little bit of you
makes me your man... ♪

"Mambo No. 5."

How did I ever let you
make love to me

while you sang
other women's names?

Be fair, you used to
scream other guys' names.

Anyway, I didn't come by
just to bring you your stuff.

I also wanted to tell you
that I've decided to move away.

Get a fresh start.


Uh, wh-where's
this coming from?

I've been thinking about it
for a while,

and there's nothing for me here.

I mean, most of my memories
involve a time

when I was drinking
really heavily,

and those aren't pretty.

I mean, the bar
by my house has a drink

called "The Lyndsey Special."

It's a bottle of Merlot,
a shot of vodka

and a scrunchie to hold your
hair back while you throw up.

So where do you think
you're gonna go?

Well, I have family
in Arizona, so...

not there.

Ah, you know, I just,
I can't believe it.

I mean, well, I hope you don't
forget about me completely.

You're a hard person
to forget, Alan Harper.

I've tried.

Hence, "The Lyndsey Special."


Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know.

This is gonna
be so strange.

I mean, even when
we weren't together,

it was nice knowing
you were nearby.

Ah, I know what you mean.

Well, this is it.

Good-bye, Alan.

Good-bye, Lyndsey.

Are we really not gonna talk
about the 20 bucks you owe me?

I am really
gonna miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

Let's go
to your room.

Okay, great.

What's wrong?

I just got stung by a jellyfish
earlier, that's all.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ ...Jessica, here I am ♪

♪ A little bit of you
makes me your... ♪

Yeah, still got it.

Sex is very different
when you're sober.

Now I really know
how long two minutes is.

It was a special occasion.

I wanted to give you
a little something extra.

Well, thank you.

This puts a nice cap
on our relationship.


I can't have this be
the last time we make love.

The last time I put
on your panties.

The last time you say,
"No, not there,"

and I pretend
I was just confused.

Look, I'm not saying
I won't miss you,

but the fact is
you're married.

You're about to adopt a child.

That's my point.

The adoption is almost final,
and when it is,

Walden and I will get a divorce.

And I misspelled my name
on the prenup.

We'll live like kings.

Are you really
asking me to stay?

Yes, I mean, we've shared
so much over the years.

We can't just
throw it away like a...

a long-running hit
television show

that still pulls in
a pretty decent audience.

I suppose it is something
to think about.

I mean, for the first time
in a long time,

neither one of us
is seeing anybody else.

Hey, do you need a
bedazzled iPhone case?

Wait, are you
seeing someone?

Yeah, yeah,
Alan Harper has two girlfriends.

What else do I have?

Good credit? Health insurance?

A job?

This is a lot
to think about.

I'm gonna need
some time.

Of course,
take all the time you need.


Look, I really do
need to go.

And I really do need
my panties back.


♪ Men. ♪

Hey, Walden.


Uh, are you coming out
of Alan's room?


You drinking again?

Do I need to take you
to a meeting?

No, still sober.

But I should apologize
for sleeping with your husband.

Not the first time
I've said that.

See ya.

So, okay.



Are you having sex with Lyndsey

while you're sleeping
with our social worker?

Yeah, my pimp hand is strong.

No, it's not!

Look, look, this thing
with Lyndsey just happened.

A-And, honestly,
I-I'm glad it did.

I-I really want her
to give us another shot.

Wh about Ms. McMartin?!

Oh, we're not
that serious.

Plus, she doesn't get me
like Lyndsey gets me.

When I try to put
Ms. McMartin's panties on,

she looks at me like
I'm some kind of weirdo.

Kind of like how I'm looking
at you right now?!

Look, I'm gonna see
Ms. McMartin tonight,

and I-I'll tell her
it's over.

She's gonna be upset--
nobody likes getting dumped.

Oh, she'll be fine.

I mean, you've seen
how she looks at me.

That's not love.

That's not even like.

That's-- if we run
into anyone I know,

I'm pretending that
you're my slow brother.


I want you to get your penis
out of my business.

Change "business"
to "turkey,"

uh, and it's the story

of how a 13-year-old boy named
Alan ruined Thanksgiving.

♪ Men. ♪

What looks good?

And don't say
my boobs.




Um, can we talk?

What's wrong?

Is it the restaurant?

It's not
too pricy, is it?

It only had
one dollar sign on Yelp.

N-N-No, it's not that.

Um, although,
$14 for tilapia?

Sounds to me like a
beer-battered rip-off.

Then what's going on?

Here's the thing.

I really like you,
it's just that...

Oh, my God, are you
breaking up with me?

Wow, Band-Aid off.



Breaking up with me?


Breaking up with this?

Hey, hey, there's
no need to point.

I mean we both could
be in better shape.

Oh, there is only one person
at this table wearing Spanx,

and it is not me.

Could you keep it down?
People are starting to look.

Oh, well, they're
probably wondering

why the old man
and his nurse are arguing.

Hey, I am not that
much older than you.

I'm 47.

Great, you just lost
me my senior discount.

I knew dating you
was a bad idea.

Yes, exactly.

Louis and Walden are
the priority here.

You and I should never have
complicated the adoption

with our unbridled

We should
have bridled.

This was so stupid.

I am so stupid.

No, you're not stupid.

You just let your unfettered
desire get the best of you.

You should have fettered.

You know what?

You're right.

Ending this is
a good thing.

To be honest, I'm actually
a little relieved.

Of course you are, you
just dodged a bullet--

a cheap, middle-aged,
lactose-intolerant bullet.

♪ Men. ♪

What is going on?

I have no idea.


It's inspection time!

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Look at these sharp corners
on this table.

No gate on the stairs.

I see a lot of problems here.

A lot of

A lot of problems.

Believe me,
I see the same problem.

And I would like to help you
get rid of your problem,

even if that means dumping
the problem's body in the ocean.

If you think it's hard
getting me out of here alive,

try getting rid
of my ghost.

Okay, obviously
this is not about the adoption.

This is about us.

Now, why don't we just
sit down and talk?

Look at this.

A weapon in the form of a toy?

Is it loaded?

Yes, it is!

You have to be careful.

You might hurt someone
you thought you cared about

but were horribly deceived by.

Okay, listen,

I understand
that you are very upset.

And I agree

that we should take this
out on Alan.

Your railings on the
deck are too low,

there's no safety
glass on the fireplace

and you have

within a child's reach.

We can, we can fix this.

See? All gone.


What kind of wine is that?

Oh, uh, uh,
it's instant.

It comes in a packet.

Just add water.

Uh, it's-it's like
astronaut wine.

And you're upset that
this guy broke up with you?

The only thing
I'm upset about

is the litany of violations
I found here tonight.

You have 48 hours
to address these issues.

Keep in mind:

I can stop by anytime I see fit.


Okay, say what you will,

but that exit was cool.

Okay, you think she's angry now?

What do you think
is gonna happen

when she finds out
about you and Lyndsey?

Oh, oh, don't worry,
I'll apologize to Ms. McMartin,

and then tomorrow, when I'm
having lunch with Lyndsey,

I'll tell her we have to lay low

until the adoption
goes through.

No. I don't want you going

anywhere near Ms. McMartin.

But I think I can help...

You've already done
enough damage.

And I'm warning you,
you stay away.

I am a billionaire

and I can buy my way out
of at least one murder.

This is still America.

♪ Men. ♪

So, what looks good?

And don't say my boobs.

Why would I say "my boobs"

when it's your boobs
that I like?

Have you thought about us?


I want to give it a try.

Oh, you do?!

Oh, that is so great.
I know!

The rest of our life together
starts right now.


Or in three weeks, when
I can see you again.


Oh, well, Walden is worried

about the adoption.

He doesn't want there to be
any complications.

So he thinks I'll screw it up?

No, he thinks
I'll screw it up.

Oh, sure.

So I just think
it's better if we lay low

until after the court date.

I understand.

Is that why we drove
an hour away from the ocean

to go to a seafood restaurant?

Ah, that and...

no corkage fee.


A Pinot.

Oh! Oh, you don't mind
if I drink, do you?

I can honestly say
I've never been less tempted.

Good legs...

mmm, full body...

goes down easy.

They should call this
"The Lyndsey Special."


You know, I-I certainly
wouldn't want to do anything

to jeopardize the adoption.

And taking it slow
is probably better for us, too.

Oh! Lyndsey plus Alan
equals "us."


Hello, Alan.

Good God!

What-what are
you doing here?

And-and how do you keep making
these dramatic entrances?

Who is this?

Oh. Uh, Th-this
is-is Lyndsey.

Uh, Lyndsey, this
is Ms. McMartin,

our social

Uh, remember, I told you
about her and the adoption?

Um, uh, Lyndsey
is my cousin,

um, from Cedar
Rapids, Iowa.


So you make out
with your cousin?

I said she
was from Iowa.

Is this why you
broke up with me?

For her?

Hold on.

You're dating
your social worker?

He was.

Till he dumped me last night.

Was it just
last night?

You said
you were single.

Did I say I was single?

Right after we had sex.

Did we have sex?

You had sex with her?

Did I have
sex with her?

You jackass!



Crazy in the head,
crazy in the bed, am I right?

Oh, Lyndsey... Lyndsey, wait!

I banged both of them.

Ain't no thang.

♪ Men. ♪


Oh, hey, did you, uh,
see Lyndsey?

Uh, yes, I did.

Uh, and she was totally cool
with taking it slow

until the adoption is done.

Good. And thank you.

Yeah, you may not want
to thank me just yet.


Please tell me that
that is your blood

and not powdered wine.

I-It's not my fault.

Ms. McMartin showed up.

She followed me.
She's gone crazy.

No, she hasn't "gone crazy."

You drove her crazy.

You make people crazy!

That-that's a little unfair.

I mean,
I grant you that, you know,

maybe it was a mistake
to sleep with her,

but when a woman has five cats,

she doesn't have
to be "made crazy."

You know what? You're right.

This-this-this is my fault.

I'm the one
who made the mistake.

You are?

I mistakenly thought
that you were

a capable,
competent human being,

able to handle
a simple situation

without destroying
the life of everyone around you.

Boy, if I had a dollar

for every time
someone has said that to me.

But seriously, seriously,
I-I will fix this.

Oh. Great.

You're gonna fix this.

I mean, why was I worried?

Have no fear!

Alan is here!

Hey! Hey, everyone!

Don't worry!

Alan's gonna fix it!

Sailors at sea,

throw away your life vests!

You don't need them!

'Cause Alan is gonna
fix everything!

Maybe I do make people crazy.

♪ Men. ♪

What are you doing here?

I am on the
"Alan Harper Apology Tour."

Uh, but this is gonna require

a little bit of
audience participation.

When I say "Alan,"
you say "idiot."



This is fun. Come in.

Wow, this is nice.

And it doesn't smell
like cat urine at all.

So what do you want, Walden?

I realize that Alan--


Look, I-I realize that
he can do some stupid things.

And I'm-I'm sure you've seen
his helicopter dance,

where he uses his penis
as the propeller.

Actually, I haven't.

Neither have I.

I realize how angry
you must be with him.

But that has nothing to do

with the kind of father
I can be to Louis.

I know that.

It's just that Alan--



He makes me crazy.

I-I just said that!

In-in fact, I hit a lifeguard

with a patio chair saying that.

Look, Walden,
at the end of the day,

I'm not gonna let my anger
prevent a child

from being placed
in a good home.

Thank God.

I just... I've never realized

how much another person
can mean to me.

That is so sweet.

Why can't anybody

ever think that about me?

I am such
a loser!

No, you're not a loser,
Ms. McMartin.

Yes, I am!

I thought I hit rock bottom

by dating an old guy
who can't get a boner.

It turns out, rock bottom
is getting dumped

by the old guy
who can't get a boner.

What is wrong with me?


Come on, you're smart
and you're fun...

And, oh, by the way,

you are way too pretty for Alan.


So are you.


Now there's that smile.

Come on,
now, now...

any guy would be lucky
to be with you.

Oh, you're just saying that.

No, you're awesome.

And what you do for a living,
helping those kids,

changing their lives,

putting your hand
on my leg...


I can't believe this.

You're not
the only one.

I don't want you to worry.

I'm not going to let the fact

that we are in a relationship
affect Louis.

Learned that lesson, am I right?




I am going to go...

Where are you going?

To the bathroom.

Oh, okay.

Hurry back.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

Ooh, it's a little
chilly out there.

I'm gonna
grab my pants.

And my car keys.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Take one step left
and one step right ♪

♪ One to the front
and one to the side ♪

♪ Clap your hands once
and clap your hands twice ♪

♪ And if it looks like this ♪

♪ Then you're doing it right ♪

♪ A little bit of ♪
♪ Lyndsey. ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ A little of bit of ♪
♪ Lyndsey. ♪

♪ By my side... ♪

♪ Lyndsey. ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==