Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 11 - For Whom the Booty Calls - full transcript

When Walden joins a support group for adoptive fathers, he discovers that it is a nice getaway from Alan.

English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E11 (720p) For Whom the Booty Calls - HDTV [KoTuWa]

♪ Men. ♪


I can't believe it.

I know.

Since you let me do it to you,
I had to let you do it to me.

Not that.

Although, remind me
to throw away that cat toy.

No, I meant the fact
that you are cheating

on your husband to sleep
with your social worker.

You just described a fantasy
I didn't know I had.

Naughty social worker.

Show me on the doll
where I should touch you.

Okay, I need to keep
romantically what I do here

separate from what I do
professionally out there.

Even though, in both cases,

I seem to work
with the jobless and homeless.

I think we have a
professional relationship.

You gave us a kid,
I gave you an orgasm.

Well, technically,
both of those are still pending.

But I'm serious.

If we're gonna do this, we have
to establish some boundaries.

I mean, I'm overseeing Walden's
adoption of Louis.

Right, right, I-I really
don't want to mess that up.

It's just that I-I like
spending time with you.

And I...

To my surprise...

Like spending time with you.

I'm kind of like
poison ivy.

You don't realize you've been
exposed until you get that itch.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 12x11 ♪
For Whom the Booty Calls
Original Air Date: 2015-01-22


Sync, corrected by elderman

[]♪ Men. ♪


Oh, what's that?

Yes, I am wearing
the same clothes as last night.

Ask not for whom
the booty calls.

The booty calls for me.

So I assume
you're not gonna stop

until I ask who it was.

A gentleman doesn't
kiss and tell,

but I'm no gentleman,

and it's hard to kiss
a woman from behind.

Alan, okay, who was it?

I banged our social worker.

Ms. McMartin?


What can I say?

She gave my penis a good home.

I thought this was gonna be
something that you did once,

like manscaping
with a straight razor.

Please don't
mess this up for me.

Oh, no, no, it's
a good thing.

Uh, plus, we-we really
like each other,

And we agreed
to respect boundaries.

You know... personal life,
professional life.

Okay, and what boundaries
are you respecting

when you're bragging
about having sex with her?

That's just something a man
wants to share with his husband.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, oh, that's
Ms. McMartin.

She's here to
check up on Louis.

It was supposed
to be a surprise.

Wait up, hold on...

She told you this?

No, she didn't tell me...
We have boundaries.

I saw it on her phone when I
was going through her texts.

Hello, Walden.

Ms. McMartin.


What a surprise.

Come on in.

Hey, girl.

You are social workin' it.

Can I get you anything?

Like a new boyfriend?

Okay, so obviously
Alan told you about us.

Uh, yes, he has.

Look, I want
you to know

this will in no way affect
our professional relationship.

I am here strictly as your
and Louis's caseworker.

And let me tell you
something right now,

I want to back that case up.

You know, Alan, the lucky thing
is that after I smack you,

there's already a social worker
here to report it to.

So how is everything
going with Louis?

You know, it's good.

Uh, but I have
a couple questions.

Like... like, okay, for example,

what's the best way
to discipline him?

Uh, I believe she
favors spanking.

All right, what do I say

when he asks
about his biological parents?

And how much cheese
is too much cheese?

Okay, how about we just do
one question at a time?

Okay, okay.

There's some cultural
things, like...

Should I teach him
a cool handshake,

or does that just make me lame?

Good question, bro.

Blow it up.

You know what might help?

Talking to other foster parents.

some of my dads have started

an informal support group.

They kick around these kind
of questions every week.

Oh, that'd be
great for you.

Uh, I went to a group
for divorced dads,

and it really helped.

Uh, I also went to a group
for people whose moms died,

but, uh, that was
just wishful thinking.

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, buddy.
Berta's gonna watch you

when I go to
my meeting tonight, okay?


We're gonna have
a lot of fun.

Remember the last time when we
learned about animals and math?

Wow, what'd you learn?

A trifecta is a sucker bet.


Horses run faster when
they poop before the race.

The kid's a sponge.

Good morning.

Speaking of sponges.

I got my first dads group tonight.

And before that, Louis and
I are gonna go to the movies.

Then I'm gonna hit the gym.

Oh, you know what?

Why don't we go
to the gym first?

That way,
we can steal some waters

so we can sneak them
into the movies.

You want to go?

Uh, isn't today when you go
to the farmer's market

and bargain for bruised peaches?

I can just go
to the supermarket.

They're all bruised
when you bring a Sharpie.

I want to spend
the day with you.

Oh, great.

You know, it's just that I-I was
gonna head straight from the gym

to the meeting.


if you go...

Oh, oh, I get it.
Say no more.

Thank you.

You can just drop me off
on your way.

Mmm, what do you want
for dinner?

I don't know.

Who thinks about dinner

when you're still
swallowing your breakfast?

I'll have hot dogs.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna do something
to help me run faster.

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, fellas,
the new guy's here.

MAN: Hey.

Hey, you going to
spin class, sweetie?

Yep. See you later.

Hey, I'm Rick.

Yes, she is,
but that was my wife.

My daughter's 40.

That's way too old for me.

This is Leo,
and that's Jack.

Hi. Hi.
Hey, nice
to meet you.

That's, uh, Brian
over there.

Just had newborn twins, so
he just comes here to sleep.

Yeah, you could fart in his
face, he won't even wake up.


Here you go.
Oh, thank you.

This place is amazing.

You got a bar,
and the pool table, and the TVs.

You just add some hot chicks,
orange paint and an owl,

and you got a Hooters.


Maybe Heidi can serve us beers
when she gets back.

Why not? That's what she was
doing when I met her.

So, uh, what's
your kid situation?

Uh, I got a boy.

Uh, his name's Louis.

He's six.

Nice. I got
three daughters.

I always wanted a son,
so, uh, we adopted Josh.

Now I got half
a girl's volleyball team

and a boy who wants
to be their cheerleader.

But I love him...
No judgment.

My wife and I adopted
a four-year-old girl, Micah.

I also do alarm systems,
in case you're in the market.

Give me your contact info,

I'll put you down
on my weekly e-mail blast.

All the guys get it.

(imitating cough):
Mark as spam.


That is funny.

Jack's alarm code is ♪227.

I got three grown kids
from my first marriage,

and Heidi and I just adopted
a seven-year-old girl.

Wow. You must really love kids.

Kids are fine.
What I love is Heidi.

You saw her.

When I was in college,

her mother was in sixth grade.

And if you think about it,

my next wife
isn't even born yet.

So, uh, why did you and
your wife choose to adopt?

My wife is incapable
of having children.

ALL: Oh.

Yeah, his name is Alan.

ALL: Oh.

A-Although, uh,

he did order boner pills
from China once

that made him lactate.



so, anything going on
with Louis?

Yeah, you know,
I have a couple questions

that-that you're
the perfect person to answer.

Why is that?

'Cause I'm handsome? Charming?

College graduate?
Top home security specialist

in the South Bay
three years running?

Yes, that...

Louis is also all those things.

I'm just messing with you!


Ms. McMartin told us
your kid was mixed-race.

So what do you want to know?

Uh, do you want to know
how to comb his hair?

Uh, what type of music
to expose him to?

Do I need to teach
him a cool handshake?

So that's-that's actually
a thing?

Yeah, yeah. Here, let me
show you, let me show you.


Huh? Huh?

That is cool.

And you just did it

to hand me your business card.

Yeah. If you tell me
that I sent you,

then you get 20% off.

By the way,
have you seen my wife?

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, uh, thanks
for having me.

You know, this is great.
I-I don't think I knew it,

but I needed a place like this.

You mean a place
to get away from our wives?


Wait, why do you need a place?
You're married to a guy.

Your only problem is, do I
watch SportsCenter before,

during or after sex?

Uh, actually, it's-it's a little
more complicated than that.

What do you mean?

I mean, well, imagine...

all of the wife
and none of the sex.

Yeah, we don't need to imagine.
We're married, too.

I don't know what you guys
are talking about.

I get all the sex
I can handle.

Which, at my age,
is about once a month.

Can-can I share something
that doesn't leave this room?

Yeah, sure. Oh, these guys know
that back when I was single...

I used to bang his sister.

Okay, here's the thing.

I'm not gay.

I-I married my best friend

so I could adopt Louis.


Then you shouldn't have any
of these problems.

And yet I have all
of these problems.

I mean, that's why
it's so great coming here.

I get to get away from Alan.

I mean, he wants
to do everything with me.

He ordered a Groupon
for two-for-one prostate exams.

Are your wives that clingy?

Oh, yeah.
My wife just bought golf clubs

so she could ruin golf for me.

My wife's outside waiting
in the minivan.

Yeah, even I have to get away
from Heidi every now and then.

Do you know what
the worst "wife" thing is?

When you forget to ask them,
"How was your day?"

No, no,

the worst thing
is when you ask Alan,

"How was your day?"
and he answers.

You know, it's funny...
I-I always thought

being married to a guy
would be different.

In some ways, it is.
I mean, uh... for example,

I imagine that you guys enjoy it

when you walk in
on your wives masturbating.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah...

Oh, no!

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, there you are.
We didn't get to talk yesterday.

How was your day?

Oh, oh, it was the worst.

But there must have been
30 of us.

30? Wow, that's
an amazing end to that story.

I wish. You know they don't
give you bags anymore?

If you want a bag,
that's ten cents.

Ten cents.
That's outrageous.

That's six bruised peaches.

Uh, anyway, so I-I
went out to the parking lot

and there was a...
Alan, can...

can we just jump to the end?

She agreed not to press charges.

Okay, that is the end to, like,
way too many of your stories.

So, uh, how did your
foster dads group go?

I-I texted you,
but you never answered.


I... That's...
I must not have gotten it.

Are you sure? Uh, it says
it was read at 7:47.

I guess it was ignored at 7:48.

Dads group was really fun.

Yeah, I think it's gonna be
really gonna helpful for Louis.

Oh, great, great. Uh, when
are you gonna do it again?

Uh... Well, you know,
I was gonna actually

have the guys over tonight.

Tonight? The place is a mess.

And The Good Wife is on.


Well, I do want to meet
the guys, though.

Oh. Well, you know, it's a...
it's actually, it's a pretty

tight-knit group, so...

I don't think people
will be able to open up

if there's a stranger around.
Besides, don't...

don't you and Ms. McMartin
have a thing tonight?

Nope. Uh-uh.
Free as a boner in sweat pants.

No. Come on.

You deserve a thing, so...


Well, I-I do deserve a thing.

Hey, hey...
You only give me money

when you're trying
to get rid of me.

No, I don't.
Here, take more money.

Wait, hold on.
Do you...

do you not want me
around tonight?

No, it's just... it's just...

I had fun last night,

and I want to have fun
again tonight.

I see. And Webster's
defines fun as having

or pertaining to
the absence of Alan.

From the Latin:
hurticus feelingsmus.

Okay, are you really asking
why I don't want you around

while you're talking like that?

Oh, so you really
don't want me around?

Yes, or as defined
in Webster's, affirmative.

Don't take my dictionary thing.

at least you have a thing.

I don't have anything
for myself.

I mean, every time
I turn around, there you are.

Oh, what? Let's just do it.
Look, oh, there you are.

Well, I'm sorry
if my presence offends you.

If bags weren't
ten cents apiece,

I'd put one over my head.

Listen, I just want
one thing for myself.

One thing where
you're not around.

Is that too much to ask?

Fine. If that's
how you feel, you know,

have your stupid little group
all to yourself in our house.

But don't expect me to wait
to watch The Good Wife.

♪ Men. ♪

[]♪ Men. ♪

And here's a picture of Heidi
on a nude beach in Cancún.

Whoa. I can
see her can.

And her cún.


I thought you had a thing.

Well, if you saw my feet
after the paraffin dip,

you'd know I already
had my thing.

Don't worry, I won't spoil
your little party.

You must be the dads
who are part of the group.

I'm the dad who's
not part of the group.

And here we go.

Hey, hey, why don't...
why don't you have a beer?

Oh, no, I'll be in my room.
I can amuse myself.

I have a half bag
of Cheetos and a radio.

Oh, hey, hey, come on, man.

No. Please stay.

Well, when the boss says jump,
I say how... Hi. I'm Alan.

Wow, what a fun way
to meet someone.

Here you go.
There you go.

Oh. Thank you, thank you.
So, uh, so what's going on?

Or-Or should I say whassup?!

You remember

You guys... You guys
remember that? Remember?


That is the whitest guy
I have ever seen.

Wait, wait, is that
all you're serving?

Chips? Not even
in a bowl?

You should be embarrassed.

Oh, trust me, I'm embarrassed.

Look, nobody cares.

Alan seems to care,
and you care

about Alan's feelings,
don't you?

Ooh, I like him.
Two points for the silver fox.

Maybe I'll just, uh,
throw together some nachos.

We're fine. The...
Hey, I don't want you

to go to all the trouble.
See? I'm thinking about you.

It's no trouble.
It's just, uh, chips, uh...

(with accent): guacamole, uh,
jalapeños and, uh, queso fresco.

My wife's idea
of nachos

is just dumping
some salsa on chips.

Well, I'm nacho
average wife.


♪ Men. ♪

So this guy...
I bail him out completely,

agree to marry him,

and guess what we do
on our wedding night.

I-I don't need to hear that.
No judgment.

We came straight home.

Same place we went
on our honeymoon.

The guy has a jet.
How hard is it to go to Aruba?


♪ Ooh, I wanna take you ♪

♪ To Bermuda ♪

♪ Bahama, come on,
pretty mama ♪

♪ Key Largo, Montego ♪

♪ Baby, why don't we go ♪

♪ Ooh, I want to take you
down to Kokomo ♪

♪ We'll get there fast ♪

♪ And then we'll take it slow ♪

♪ That's where we want to go ♪

♪ Way down in Kokomo ♪

♪ Martinique ♪

♪ That Monserrat mystique. ♪

(all whooping, laughing)

That is my jam,

and y'all are my bitches.

♪ Men. ♪

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just being a fun guy.
What are you doing?

You're about as much fun
as the polyp in Rick's colon.

You're doing exactly what
I thought you would.

You're taking
my friends.

Just like you
take everything.

You took my house,
you took my money,

you even took my old jeans
and turned 'em into cutoffs.

They're called jorts,
and they look great on me.

Okay, you knew I didn't
want you here

and you said you
weren't gonna be here,

yet here you are

with your...
(with accent): guacamole

and your fresco queso.

It's queso fresco.

You do not correct me
when I'm mocking you.

You know what? You know what?
I think...

I think that the reason
that you didn't want me here

is because you were afraid

that they were gonna
like me better than you.

Okay, I can honestly
say that I have never

had that thought
in my life.

okay in here?

Well, am I allowed

to answer your
friends, Walden?

I'm sorry you guys
had to see this.

Oh, come on,
we've all been there.

I mean, just a while back,
Jack's wife chased him

around his house
with a steak knife.

Trust me, I was
in no danger.

She couldn't use a kitchen
utensil to save her life.

We can help you
work though this.

That's what
the group is for.

Yeah, yeah,

hey, why don't we
do some role playing?

Okay, you're...
you're, uh, Alan,

and you just
found out that Walden

doesn't want you
around his friends.

Fine. Thank
you, Walden,

for letting me live
here rent-free.

Despite not contributing
anything to this household,

I ignore even your
most basic requests.

You're not really supposed to use this

to attack.

hold on. Hold on,
hold on, hold on.

I'm Walden, and I get off

on making Alan
feel bad about himself.

Well, I'm Alan, and I
get off on everything.

Including the
stock photos

that come from the picture
frames from Target.

That was one time.
The Internet was down,

and-and she reminded me
of a girl I knew in high school.

Yeah, we've all been there.
Sears catalog.

Neiman Marcus.

The Indian girl
from the Land O'Lakes box.

Okay, you know what, I'm sick
of having the same fight

over and over again.

You know, why do we
keep doing this?

'Cause you love him
and he loves you.

Also, where am I?

Oh, hey, Brian, I know you've
been asleep for a few meetings,

but Walden told us
they're not actually gay.

I know they're not gay.
I said they love each other.

It's the only thing
that can explain

why they make
each other so crazy.

You chose to adopt this kid
together for a reason.

Why don't you talk about that?

(cell phone beeps)

Oh, God, my wife
said the twins are sick.

I got to go.

Back to sleep.

By the way,
not cool about my sister.

No judgment?

I'm Alan.

And I'm always there for Walden
whenever he needs me the most.

And I do look good in jorts.

And my nachos
are restaurant quality.

Well, I'm Walden, and, uh,

I've been the best friend
that Alan's ever had.

(short chuckle)
And also,

I'm not angry about the 20s

he occasionally steals
from my wallet.

I'm sorry I said
I didn't want you around.

I'm sorry I was smothering you.

Oh... Bring it in.
I'm s...

Come on.

Hey, hey...

You know where we should go?

♪ Bermuda, Bahama ♪

♪ Come on, pretty mama ♪

♪ To Key Largo, Montego,
baby why don't we go? ♪

Wait, are you really taking me to...

♪ The Florida Keys,
there's a place called Koko... ♪

♪ Men. ♪

[]♪ Men. ♪
I just want to tell you guys,

I love being
a part of this group.

And we love
having you, Alan.

Oh, well, thank you.
So, as I was saying,

why is it that
I'm willing to take

three hours to make him dinner

and he won't take three seconds
to tell me what he wants?

Speaking of three seconds,
can we talk about the sex?

(scoffs) At least you're
having sex, sister.

Sync, corrected by elderman