Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 12, Episode 10 - Here I Come, Pants! - full transcript

Previously on
two and a half men...

Yeah, I see hundreds
of potential parents,

But you two are
different somehow.

I know we can be
good parents.

It is my job to be
a hundred percent sure

Before I place a child.

We are not believable
as a loving couple,

And I think that's why ms.
Mcmartin wasn't sure about us.

All right, yeah.

We do that in front of ms.
Mcmartin, we'll get ten babies.

♪ men. ♪



Whew, that was fun.
Whew.

That was like
a roller coaster.

Yeah, we went up,
we went down.

There was the
loop-de-loop.

Yeah, they-they say you want
to sit in the front,

But I had a great time
in the back.

Yeah, you know, I'm not sure
about that picture

We took at the end.

I think I was making
a funny face.

Yeah.

Hey, have you ever gotten busy
in a public place,

Like a theme park,
before?

I mean, uh, there was one
time in the chicago airport.

I met this girl
on a long layover.



Let's just say my bag was
never left unattended.

What about you?

Well, if you get me
a hot cup of coffee,

I'll, uh, tell you about my high
school trip to mount rushmore.

Okay, please tell me it
doesn't involve four old guys

On top of a mountain.

I went to
an all-girls school.

Coffee, coming up!

Oh, hey.
Hey.

Okay, I don't know
what was going on

Up there with
laurel, but...

Rich, handsome and a master
of the boudoir.

You're everything
I think I am when I'm drunk.

What can I say?

I got a magical tongue, and
I can breathe through my ears.

Were you just sitting down here,
listening to laurel and me?

(doorbell rings)
no, that would be sad.

I was also couponing.

Hey.

How's my favorite
couple?

My bros without hos.

Ms. Mcmartin, uh...

What are you doing here?

Well, I told you guys
the state requires

A couple surprise inspections to
check in on louis's home life.

Surprise!

I am definitely
surprised.

Clearly...
Captain underpants.

Oh.

Right, yeah, well,
I wasn't expect...

You know, louis isn't here; he's
actually, he's at a sleepover.

So, I guess you came all this
way to see me in my skivvies.

(chuckles)

Worth the trip in my book.

Instagram.

Hashtag: He's bringing
booty back.

Thanks, honey.

Uh, well, it was, uh,
it was good to see you.

Oh, actually, I can just
talk to you guys.

Great, even better.

(stammers)
come on in.

Uh, you know,
I'm gonna run upstairs

And put on some pants.

Laurel:
Walden?

Who was that?

Oh, that was my pants.

Here I come, pants!

(chuckles)
stay there!

What are you talking about?

Oh, hi. Sorry.

What's going on?

Uh...

You're cheating
on me?!

I want half!

♪ men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ ah.
♪ men.
♪ men.

♪ men. ♪

You lied to me.

I never would have
placed louis here had I known

You guys weren't
actually a couple.

I can explain.
Oh, go ahead,
I'd love to hear it.

She's my sister.

Where was that
five minutes ago?

There's no explanation
for what you did.

I may have to remove louis.

Okay, I-I know
this looks bad,

But our hearts were
in the right place.

Yeah, even if our
penises weren't.

Th-the only thing
that we're guilty of

Is putting on
a little show.

A little show?

Every time I see this one,
he acts like he's auditioning

To host the tonys.

N-no, that's just alan.

Yeah, I-it's true.

Uh, name any musical,
anybody.

Okay, uh, west side story.

♪ I like to be
in america ♪

♪ okay by me in america

♪ everything free
in america... ♪

Okay, stop.

Well, excuse me,
officer krupke.

Listen, we may
not be gay,

But we are definitely
a stable couple.

Yeah, until the adoption
is final,

And then you'll,
what, get divorced?

Are you kidding me?

If this one
has his way,

He's gonna be with me
for the rest of my life.

Alan:
Longer.

I bought us side-by-side
cemetery plots.

No, he's not kidding.

And he gave it to
me for my birthday,

And I pretended
to like it,

Because that's what
loving couples do.

You pretended to like it?

See that?
See, that's real.

And I'm gonna hear about it
for the rest of the night.

Y-you want to take louis
away from us

Just because we don't
have sex?

I mean, I can
honestly tell you

That we have
as much sex as I had

In either of
my previous marriages.

None of that matters.

N-no, of course
it matters.

Because we're
not lying.

We are best friends,
and we are married.

And we do love
each other.

And I'm sorry, but just, you
know, how many people can say

That they are married
to their best friend?

Alan harper-schmidt can.

My job is to do what's in
the best interest of the child.

Now I have to reevaluate
what that is.

But him living here...

No, I don't want to hear
anything else from you guys.

I'll be in touch.

I can't lose this kid.

D-don't go there.
Nothing's been decided yet.

Well, other than
the fact

That you don't want
to be buried next to me.

This is a disaster.

We're gonna lose everything
that we worked for

Over one stupid mistake.

It's my chiropractic license
all over again.

Your hand slips
into one butt crack.

♪ men. ♪

What you drawing?

It's us.
We're the justice league.

You're batman.

I'm batman?

I mean...

(deep, gravely voice):
I'm batman.

Is that superman?

That's me.

Oh, and, uh,
there's wonder woman.

Is that berta?

That's you.

Oh, well, that's, uh, a little
inaccurate, don't you think?

I mean, uh, I wish
I had those shoulders.

And, uh, and
who's that?

That's timothy; he's aquaman.

Why can't I be aquaman?

Because aquaman can
keep himself afloat.

I drew it
'cause we're a team now.

That's right.

(voice breaking): We're a team
that's never gonna break up.

Stay strong,
wonder woman.

Can we go to the park?

I don't see why not.

Yes, we have to live
in the moment.

"gather ye rosebuds
while ye may."

And you ask why
you're wonder woman.

Hey, why don't you go
and get your shoes on,

And we'll get
going, okay?

Cool!

You're the best
dad ever.

Oh, my god.

Did you hear that?

He used the "d" word.

I more than heard it, I felt it.

But I am not gonna cry.

That's right.

We got to stay strong
in front of the kid.

We can't let him know
something's going on.

(voice breaking): 'cause that's
what a... A good dad does.

I'm gonna go get
my jacket.

I feel so bad for him.

Well, what are you gonna
do about it?

There's nothing I can do.

Just gonna throw in the towel
before the first round?

What?

Let me put it in terms
you'll understand.

You're crapping your tutu
before the ballet starts.

After all that walden's
done for you,

You have to help him
keep ahold of louis.

How?
I don't know.

But if there is anybody
in the world that can figure out

How to keep somebody
in this house, it's you.

♪ men. ♪

Um, is this
seat taken?

Uh, actually, no, it's...

What are you doing here?

Did you follow me?

No.

But I knew you were here
because of the picture

You posted of
your bruschetta.

This is completely
inappropriate.

And only jackasses
say "brew-sketta."

Just-just hear me out, I need
to talk to you about louis.

The time to talk to me
about louis was

Before you lied to me
to get him.

I only need
five minutes.

I-I'll even pay
for your dinner.

I mean, if you
really knew me,

You'd know what a
big deal that is.

Fine, five minutes.

Thank you.

Oh, and if you want
anything else, order fast--

The happy hour prices
are about to go away.

What do you have to say?

(sighs)
look...

Walden is really
a great guy.

All he wanted
was to be a dad,

And he tried everything
he could think of.

I mean, he only married me
because I was his last resort.

I'm like peeing in
a gatorade bottle

When you're
stuck in traffic.

Nobody wants to do it, but
sometimes it's your only option.

You know what
a last resort looks like?

Like a 33-year-old woman who
devoted herself to her career

Because she had nothing else
and then realized

She's not even good at that
because she screwed up

And gave a kid to two guys
pretending to be a gay couple.

I was just named
employee of the month.

Now I can't even use
my $25 target gift card

Without feeling guilty.

You are a good employee
and a good person.

And, if it'll help, I'll, uh,
I'll buy the gift card off you.

Uh, what's fair?

Ten? 15? Ten?

You know,
the worst part of this is

I actually liked you guys.

I put your christmas card
on my fridge.

Now I don't even know
who you are.

Who are those people
on my fridge?!

We're the same two people
that you trusted louis with

In the first place.

This whole thing is
a nightmare.

Do you realize
I could lose my job?

I have five cats to support.

I know, and I-I
feel terrible

That we put you
in this position.

Our only intent was to give
a child in need a good home.

Well, I suppose I can't
fault you for that.

Great.

So...

We're done here, we
get to keep louis,

And I'll give you eight
bucks for the gift card.

I wish it was that simple.

I just don't know
what the right thing to do is.

Okay, well, y-you don't
have to decide right now.

Let's, uh, let's
talk about it.

Um, uh, can I get an appletini,
uh, sugar rim, extra zest?

You don't have to pretend
to be gay anymore.

Oh-oh, yeah, uh,
right, uh, uh...

Uh, make it a mojito.

(whispers):
Skinny.

So, uh, what do you
say, ms. Mcmartin?

Uh, another
chardonnay?

Eh, what the hell?

It's not like this week
could get any worse.

I can't believe
I'm doing this.

I can't believe you're
doing this either.

Oh, oh, alan.

Oh, ms. Mcmartin.

♪ men. ♪

♪ men. ♪

This is a disaster.

I'm sorry.

Come on, man.

You like her.
Rise and shine.

What is wrong with me?

Oh, no, no,
it's not you.

Uh, although, if I, uh,
if I did have one note, uh,

The beige granny panties
didn't exactly move the needle.

They're nude-colored,
and they are my work panties.

Although your use
of the word "needle"

Is anatomically accurate.

I am a grower,
not a shower.

Why do I always make
such a mess of things?

(crying):
I'm sorry.

Don't be.

The crying's
actually helping.

What?

Um, your weeping
reminds me

Of having sex with
my first wife.

How did I get here?

I went to stanford.

I turned down a job on wall
street to help save the world,

And now I'm in bed
with an old guy

Who can't get a boner!

(sobbing)

Um, actually, that is
no longer the case.

Seatbacks and
tray tables

Are in their full
upright position.

Flight attendants,
prepare for takeoff.

Get out.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Um...

I, uh...

I, uh, hope this won't affect
your decision about louis.

I would hate it
if you held my flaccid penis

Against walden.

♪ men. ♪

Oh, hey.

Um, you're...
You're still up.

It's 8:15.

Oh, to be young again.

So, uh, what have
you been doing?

Oh, I-I was, uh,
making a video montage

Of the time we spent with louis.
You want to see it?

Yeah. Yeah, great.

♪ ooh, child,
things are gonna get eas... ♪

(music stops)

That's it?

Yeah, we really should have
taken more pictures.

Where have you been?

Oh, I, uh... I, uh...

I went to, uh,
see ms. Mcmartin.

Are you kidding me?

She told us to
leave her alone.

Alan, when people say that
to you, they mean it.

Remember how you're not allowed
to go to subway anymore

And suggestively ask
for "double meat"?

I-I was just trying
to help us keep louis.

Okay, tell me
exactly what you did

So I can start to undo it.

O-okay. Um, I followed her
to a bar...

Oh, god!

This is like the time
that we saw kelly ripa

Outside the grocery store!

No. No, no, no.

So we-we had a few drinks,

Uh, and the funny part is,
um, we ended up in bed.

You had sex with ms. Mcmartin?!

No!

No, I did not.

I was unable
to maintain an erection.

This has gone from bad to worse.
I might start crying.

I wouldn't.

♪ men. ♪

How you doing?

I've been better.

Well, you want
to forget the pain

Or you want to forget your name?

Got anything
to help me forget alan?

If I did, I'd be asking you,
"who's alan?"

Listen, don't let
yourself get too down.

It's like
I tell my daughters,

No use crying
until the verdict's read.

I tried to sway
ms. Mcmartin.

She won't even
take my calls.

Well, someone
ought to tell her

That you are the best thing
that ever happened for that kid.

I'm just worried about

What will happen to him if
she doesn't let me keep him.

Being a foster kid
makes you tough.

Before he goes, I'll teach him

How to make a shiv
out of a krazy straw.

Thanks.

I needed a laugh.

Yeah, 'cause I'm kidding.

I don't want him
to leave either.

He's a good kid,
isn't he?

Yeah.

If I lose him,
all I'm gonna have

Is a five-second
photo montage

And a picture of alan
as wonder woman.

Look, we're all
in this together.

Anything I can do for you,
you let me know.

Thanks.
I appreciate it.

You know, if you happen to
know a guy who specializes

In making a father
and son disappear,

You just might want to
keep that number handy.

I do know a guy

That could sneak 80 pounds
into the country.

I don't see why he couldn't
sneak 80 pounds out.

♪ men. ♪

Ms. Mcmartin is
15 minutes late.

You know, we might be
a fraudulently gay couple,

But at least we're punctual.

We're not the only ones
who lied.

I know for a fact that blonde
is not her natural hair color.

(doorbell rings)

That's her.

Yeah, and she better watch it,

'cause I am
in mama grizzly mode.

Promise me
you won't make this

More awkward
than it already is.

You got it, of course.

Ms. Mcmartin.

Hello, walden.

Alan.

'sup, girl?

Who's here?

Oh, hey, buddy.

Uh, it's ms. Mcmartin.

Hi, louis.

Hi.

Hey, why don't you go
in your room and play, uh,

While the grown-ups
talk for a little.

Sure.
Okay.

You see how
he handled that?

"let the
grown-ups talk."

Supportive and gentle,

Not unlike your delightful
beige work panties.

Alan, let the grown-ups talk.

I've thought about this
a long time,

And nobody wanted this
to work out more than I did.

(sighs)

Please don't do this.

I have to do my job,

And the fact of the matter is
you lied.

You committed fraud.

But we are
legally married.

He is my best friend.

We're-we're good parents.

And-and clearly,
we love each other.

Walden:
Yes.

The-the only thing
that we don't do

Is, well, "love" each other.

But if that's the only reason
that we don't get to keep louis,

I-is because
I don't put my man parts

Into alan's...
Mostly man parts...

...Then we will have sex
right here in front of you.

I mean... Come on, alan.

Oh, okay.

Um...

Guys, stop.

No, I am serious!

I will have sex with alan
right here

On the living room floor
if we get to keep this kid!

Now, how can you say

That this isn't
a great home for a child?

I know you're upset.

I am, too.

But I've made up my mind.

No!

This can't be it!

Louis:
I'm ready.

What are you doing, buddy?

Whenever ms. Mcmartin comes

And the grown-ups start yelling,
I get taken away.

Oh, man.

I'm very sorry, louis.

What's going on?

She's taking him.

Berta:
What?

Hey, blondie, how many people
know you're here?

Berta, it's okay.

And she's not
a real blonde.

Come here.

I want you to know that
this isn't your fault.

You didn't do anything wrong
and you're a great kid.

I really liked it here.

We are, uh... We're
gonna miss you, kiddo.

Me, too.

Here.

No.

T-timothy's your
best friend.

He'll be your
best friend now.

(sobs)

Bye, louis.

Bye. Bye, berta.

So long, kid.

Come on, louis.

I can't do this.

What?

No, the whole reason
I took this job

Was to help kids.

No matter how
we got here,

This is the best place for him.

Oh, this is amazing.

Come here, buddy. Oh!

Did you grow while
you were gone?

(laughs)
no.

No?

Get ready for
a mama bear hug.

Mama bear.
(laughs)

Oh, my goodness, thank you.

No more lies.

No.

Unless my boss
finds out about this.

Then I totally need you to lie.

Glad to have
you back, kid.

Oh, and, ms. Mcmartin,

You might want to stay
away from your house

Until I can make
some phone calls.

Okay! Okay!

Let's put your stuff
away, buddy.

Hey, you know what?

You can have this now,

'cause I got
my best friend back.

Technically, I'm
your best friend.

(laughs)

And I never left.

Still, a touching moment.

That was really sweet of you.

I feel good about it.

Today you earned
your target gift card.

(laughs)

Thanks.

No, thank you.

(sniffles)

Oh. Oh, are you...
Are you crying?

Yes, but... Tears of joy.

Those work, too.

♪ men. ♪

♪ men. ♪
wow!

That was amazing!

Yep.

Alan may disappoint
sometimes,

But a little blue
pill never does.

Hey, could I ask you
a personal question?

What do you consider personal?

I already let you try on
my work panties.

Well... How do I put this?

Ms. Mcmartin,
what's your first name?