Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 9 - Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer - full transcript

Walden has a date with an injury-prone model, and Alan sleeps with a woman who then reveals that she used to be a man.

I don't usually meet women

as beautiful as you
at a tech convention.

Oh, that's very sweet.

And you were definitely
the hottest guy there.

Thank you.
Although, to be fair,

being the hottest guy at
a tech convention is kind of like...

Well, being the hottest guy
at a tech convention.

Although, once,
I saw Justin Timberlake

at a Microsoft party.
Lady boner.

Yes, he did bring sexy back
to Windows 8.

So, you said you work for Google?

That's right,
in the modelling department.

Oh, that's awesome.
Like graphic rendering

- and 3-D imaging?
- More like pointing.

"New from Google,
confusing tech crap."

- Oh, so you're, like, a model-model?
- Yep.

You can't spell Google
without "ogle." Can you?

No, you can't.

But being a model at tech shows
isn't what I really wanna do.

- I just do it to pay the bills.
- Oh, I get it.

- What's your ultimate goal?
- I wanna help teach people to read.

Oh, that's noble.
So, you wanna be a teacher?

No, I wanna be the next Vanna White.


- Oh, you're serious.
- Yeah.

I mean, she has an amazing job,
she wears amazing outfits,

and she has amazing hair.

Somebody needs to buy a new,
amazing adjective.

You can't buy adjectives.
You can only buy vowels.

Right. Only vowels.

Well, I owe you another drink.


Certainly won't be
any "I" in "U" tonight.

- Wow, that girl is gorgeous.
- Yeah, she's a model.

We don't really have a connection.
She's not very bright.

I think she thinks Silicon Valley
is the place

where women go to get a boob job.

Oh, you want
intellectual stimulation.

Why don't you watch
an episode of Nova

while you're banging her brains out?

No, I'm gonna go tell her
it's not gonna work out.

Well, if you don't want her,
can I have her?

Oh, sure, let's change shirts.
Maybe she won't notice.

Oh, she's that dumb?

- Walden! Look, a seagull!
- Oh, my God.

Wait. We didn't switch shirts yet.


Hey, what's going on?

I was cleaning out my closet

and I found a box
of Jake's old stuff.

Aw, that's sweet.
Who's Jake?

- My son. Your cousin.
- Oh, right.

Oh, and how did he die?

Oh, no, he's not dead.
He's in the Army.

Huh. Ahh. Nice bong.

Guess he's not fighting
the war on drugs.

No, that is a hummingbird feeder.
He made it in art class.

And in shop class,
I made a train whistle.

Weed, weed.

No, no, seriously.

One summer, back in high school,

he and his friends
got into bird watching.

They'd spend all day out
in the woods and they'd...

They'd come back laughing and...

Oh, God, I'm an idiot.

Don't worry.
All parents are idiots.

My mom used to think
I was locked in the bathroom all day

with an electric toothbrush.


My first wife was always using
her electric tooth...

God, I am an idiot.

Oh, look at this.
One of his old report cards.

Oh, you can still see
where he tried to change his grades.

Yeah, he changed the C's.
To D's.

Yeah. That was the year
his bus got a little shorter.

But, you know, in his defense,
his teacher changed that year, too.

She went from C's to D's.

Is this how you're spending
your night?

Oh, no, no.
Later, I'm going to shave my back.

- Oh, actually, if you're not busy...
- I am. And so are you.

I'm gonna get a drink.
Where's Walden?

Oh, he had to take his date
to the hospital.

Oh. What are they pulling out
and from where?

No, it's nothing like that.

She was looking up at the sky
and she fell off the deck.

- High?
- No.

- Drunk?
- No.

- Model?
- Yeah.

- How you feeling?
- I'm all right.

Well, we need to fill out
this paperwork.

So, first name, Nadine.

This is awkward.
I don't know your last name.

It's H-O-R-E.


- Like "hooray"?
- No, like "whore."

- You think I should change it?
- No, be proud.

I'm sure you come
from a long line of Hores.

- Any relatives I can call?
- No, they're all back East.

I'm the only Hore in Los Angeles.

Agree to disagree.

Emergency contacts.
Okay, so no family.


Anyone you've gone on
more than one date with?

Not really.
I live alone.

I've only been in LA
a couple weeks.

The only men in my life
are you and Frank.

Oh, all right.
How do I get ahold of Frank?

He's a pig.

He's a pig, you're a Hore.
No one's judging.

No, he's my pet pig.
My little frankfurter.

A pig.
Does he sleep in a blanket?

Yeah, he totally hogs the covers.

Hogs. Good one.

Never mind.

- What about medications?
- Love them.

No, I think they mean
are you taking any now?

Oh, let's see,
there's Plaxitril for my depression,

Zaxaprin for my anxiety,
Dilapamin for my insomnia

and Clodex
for my occasional bouts of rage.

No one likes an angry Hore.


Why didn't you tell me
we were going to a gay bar?

Because if I told you,
you wouldn't have come.

Yes, I would.
I just would've dressed better.

And just to be clear,
you do know I'm not gay, right?

I don't think you're gay.

I mean, do I know guys
that act less gay

that have sex
with other guys? Sure.

- But I know you're straight.
- So, why bring me here?

Look around this room.

- See all the women here?
- Yeah.

Well, some of them are gay.
Those are mine.

The rest are straight.
Some of those are mine, too.

And everyone who's left
is gonna be drunk

and horny by the end of the night

and looking for someone
who doesn't think vaginas are yucky.

Oh, you mean me.


(MANLY VOICE): I mean, yay.

Be careful.
Watch your leg.

- You smell so good.
- Thank you.

Let's see how you taste.

Okay. All right.

I see the painkillers have kicked in.

Oh, they sure did.

Right now,
you could do anything to me

and I wouldn't remember.

Did I wink?
Because I was trying to wink.

Okay, let's get you
on the couch, huh?

Hey, let's get you on Nadine.

Oh, okay. All right, fine.
Let's just rest.

Thank you so much
for taking care of me.

Well, you have a broken leg.

You don't have any
family or friends,

and you live on the fourth floor
of a building with no elevator.

So, I couldn't just leave you
on the street.

Could I?

- You're handsome.
- Yeah.

You're drooling.

I'm gonna get you some food.

All right, but I have certain
dietary constrictions.

I don't eat wheat, dairy,
or anything with a face.

Although, I would make
an exception for you.

So, you're here with your niece?

Yeah, she just recently
came out of the closet

and she's painfully shy.

Now, that's what I call

She's still trying to find
her gay legs.


Well, she's lucky
she has an uncle who's found his.

No, I'm straight.
Why does everybody think I'm gay?

Oh, that is way too tart.

- So, Paula, what do you do?
- I'm an investment banker.

Oh, okay, maybe you can answer
a question I've always had.

What's the penalty
for early withdrawal?

Well, that depends.
How big is your deposit?

Oh, interest is rising.

You know, the longer you keep it in,
the bigger your reward.

Sometimes, the market collapses

and there's nothing
you can do about it.

Wait. Are we doing
sexual innuendo

or are you asking
for free financial advice?

Why can't it be both?

You know, if you're interested,
I've got a Malibu beach house.

Well, if you're interested,
I've got very loose morals.


(MANLY VOICE): I mean, yay.


That was amazing.


Wait, it wasn't?
Because I can do better.

No, you were great.

Oh, thank God,
because I can't do better.

But there is something
I probably should've told you

- before we slept together.
- Oh, God, husband or herpes?

Well, there was
another guy. Paul.

"Paul," "Paula."
That must have been confusing.

Very, yeah. Um...

You see,
for the first 40 years of my life,

I was a man named Paul.


You don't look... 40.

So, you were a guy?

With, you know, an Adam's apple
and facial hair,

and the whole kit and caboodle?

Yep, I had a kit and two caboodles.

So, so, how did you get that?
I mean, did you have to get a donor?

Because I've never seen that box
to check on a driver's license.

Actually, I donated my own organ.

You see, what they do,
they take your penis, all right?

- They slice it right down...

Okay, I'll spare you the details
on what happened to my balls.

Well, I know
what just happened to mine.

Look, I know
I should have told you earlier.

I just didn't wanna scare
you away. I really like you.

Oh, and I like you.
I mean, we have a lot in common.

Clearly more than I realized.

- Maybe it's best if I go.
- Oh, no, no, don't go.

- You sure?
- Yeah, yeah, no, I like you.

I'm just, I'm trying to process
this whole thing.

I mean, for instance,

there's no chance
it'll grow back, right?

What, like a salamander's tail?

So one day you're not gonna,
you know, sneeze real hard

and suddenly I'm dating a dude?

Alan, I am as much a woman
as you've ever dated.

- But if you're not okay with this...
- No, no, no, you know what?

I am not gonna let one little thing
come between us.

Oh, it wasn't little.

Paula, bit of relationship advice?

No guy likes to hear
that his girlfriend

had a bigger penis than he does.

You're right.
I'm sorry.




- Morning.
- Morning.

Oh, great, we're out of bacon.


We're out of naked Heidi Klum.


That's Frank.
He belongs to my date, Nadine.

Alan told me about her.

That's the model you took
to the emergency room.

She calls it our "special place."

It's the worst date of my life.

- Is her mouth broken?
- No.

So, what's the problem?

The problem is,
we have no connection.

How can I be attracted
to a woman's body

if I'm not attracted to her mind?

Sounds kind of gay,
but all right.

Hey, Walden.


Just a heads-up,
there's a girl asleep on the couch.

Don't worry,
I know the drill, boss.

Give her 500 bucks,
pat her down for silverware

- and throw her in a taxi.
- What?

Charlie flashback.


(GRUNTS) Whoa!

- That's a pig.
- Whoa! That's a leech.

Long story, crazy night.

Pig or no pig,
not as crazy as mine.

A hundred bucks says
mine beats yours.

I had sex with a woman
who used to be a man.

And we have a winner.

What, really?

I can't believe that you would...
Well, then again, it's you.

Hey, hey, say what you want,

but she really knows her way
around a man.

It's like climbing Mt. Everest
with a really good Sherpa.

Yeah, but you don't shtup
the Sherpa.

How did it work?
Like, where did it go?

Oh, that's easy.
See, what they do is,

they slice the penis
down the middle...



Is there somewhere
I can take a bath?

Oh, yeah, upstairs.
Here, I'll help you.

I will never get out of here

if I don't start to do things
on my own.

Unless you don't want me to leave.

Top of the stairs, on the left.

That girl is really messed up.

The only thing wrong with mine
is the occasional five o'clock shadow.

You know, I've got to say, Alan,

you going out with a post-op
transgendered person

without any judgment,
very enlightened.

Oh, thank you.
And you should see her boobs.



You're getting a call
from a "Hore"?

Hi, Nadine.
You got it stuck where?

Don't move, I'll be right there.

Nadine got her boot caught
in the banister.

Excuse me.

NADINE: Never mind, I got it!



Five hundred bucks in cab fare
and he'd be out of this.

I can't believe how easily
we agreed on a movie.

I know, men and women
aren't usually on the same page.

Oh, here it is. Theater three,
Julia Roberts in hashtag #ILoveYou.

Listen, I'm gonna get a soda.
Do you want something?

Oh, sure. Oh, let me see
what I'm in the mood for.

Oh, wanna split a hot dog?

- Oh, I am so sorry.
- It's fine.

Hi. Can we have two Diet Cokes
and a hot dog, please?

Don't worry, I got it.

Okay, but I'm used to paying.

This is so weird.

Sorry, just, you know,
old habits from when I was Paul.

I hope you're okay with that.

I think it's pretty clear
that I'm willing

to work around things
in this relationship.

Well, I appreciate it,

because I'm having
a great time with you.

Oh, well, so am I.

But going forward,
you're gonna have to learn

to embrace my masculinity

and, you know,
accept the fact that I'm the...

thank you...
man in this relationship.

- Oh, it's chilly in here.
- Oh, here. Take my jacket.




Who's there?


It's just me, silly.

Is everything all right?

You've taken such
good care of me,

I thought it was time for me
to take good care of you.

Oh, that's not necessary.

Why not?
We could play doctor.

Haven't you seen enough doctors?

Okay, we could play
Pat and Vanna.

The clue is:
"Things people do naked."

Okay, Nadine, just stop.

What's wrong?

We're not gonna sleep together.

Are you saying
that you don't want any of this?

"N," and I'd like to buy five O's.

We just don't click.

I can't believe you led me on.

Led you on? I let you in.
I was trying to help you.

Do I look like I need your help?




No, I'm not doing anything.

- Seriously?
- I know, I know.

- I should say something.
- No, no, it's fine.

- I'll come over after the movie.
- He should go now.

- What's that?
- Shh!

Just ignore him. People can only
make you angry with your permission.

Right. But if he opens
his mouth again,

I will get the usher.

I got my review-
Hashtag #PieceOfCrap.


All right, you know what?
That's it.

Oh, wait, oh, no, no, no.
Let me do this.

Alan, Alan,
you don't have to do this.

Yes, I do. I'm the man
and this is what a man does.

Now, hold my Jujubes.

- Excuse me, sir?
- What?

We're all trying to watch the movie
and I don't know if you remember

what the little cartoon
popcorn bucket said,

but silence is golden.

Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do about it?

Well, I just did it and it didn't
seem very effective, so...

Go sit down.

Okay, you know what?
Why don't you sit down?

What the...
Wait, what...

- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologize.

Hashtag #ILoveYou.

I thought this relationship
was going somewhere.

Okay, seriously? The only place
this relationship is going

is the emergency room.

I thought this was something special.

I thought I was going
to be Mrs. Nadine Hore-Schmidt.

Okay, this is crazy.

I mean, we wouldn't have gotten
past the first date

if you hadn't fallen off my deck.

That's right.
I did fall off your deck.

I'll be sure to mention that
to my lawyer.

- Your lawyer?
- You heard me.

Perhaps you've seen his picture
on the side of the bus?

You don't get to be the numero uno
accidente lawyer by accident.

Come on, Frank.


Take care of yourself, Frank.

What's going on?

Nadine is going to sue me
because I won't sleep with her.

Oh, that's a thing?
Don't tell Alan.


Oh, that can't be.


Hi, Nadine.
I'll be right there.

Nadine got hit by a bus.

Back to our special place.

What do you wanna watch?

I know someone
wants to watch Babe again.

(English US - SDH)