Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 3 - This Unblessed Biscuit - full transcript

New PA Alan exasperates Walden with endless futile detail questions he's supposed to handle. Yet Berta takes the cake as nightmare employee when she invades Walden's bed and steals his weed after hurting her back. She resigns 'indignant' when asked about possible retirement, however absurdly generous. So the housemates interview and test housemaids, only to find the one good cook crazier then the other. Alan tricks Walden and Berta to meet.

(footsteps approach)

You, uh, got a minute, boss?

Actually, I'm kind of busy.

I'm pushing new code on an API
for this e-comm platform.

"I am from the future.

I am a handsome robot."

Look, I-I wouldn't
bother you with this

if I didn't think
it was important.

Okay. Just make it quick.

That's my specialty.

Ask any woman
I've ever been with.

I will call them both.

What do you got?

Behold your new

coffee mug.

(imitates crowd cheering)


Remember? You asked me to look
for new mugs for your office.

What do you think?

Well, there's a hole on the top

and no hole on the bottom.

Nailed it.


Uh, so, uh, what do you want
written on it?

Written on it?

Uh, your choices are

"Coffee," "Java" or "Joe."

I don't know. Just...

Excellent choice.

Although... what if
you hire a guy named Joe?

I-I think the temptation
for these mugs

to walk out the door
is a little too high.

Just write "Coffee" on it.

Uh, coffee in the mug,

and coffee on the mug.
Love it!

Oh, uh...

but, uh, let me run
this past you:

"Java the Mug."

You know, because of Star Wars.



You're busy.

Oh! Uh, one
last thing.

Oh, good God!

I hired you as my assistant

so I don't have to think
about things like this.

Oh, yeah, I know,

but I want to do
a good job for you.

I mean, you're gonna look
at this every day

and I don't want you
to hate it.

That does happen with things

I look at every day.

Okay, so one
final question:

do you want your mug to be
left-handed or right-handed?

You're kidding, right?

No, some people hold 'em
in their left hand,

some people hold 'em
in their right hand.


(dramatic gasp)

Okay. Okay.

Changing your mug
from "World's Greatest Boss"

to "World's Smartest Boss."

I'm gonna go pee.

Oh, oh, as long as you're
in the bathroom, uh,

I left three different types of
toilet tissue in there for you.

Uh, let me know
which one is best.

Oh! And the brown one
is not a joke.

"Hire me, Walden.
I can be your assistant."

You know what your mug should
say? "World's Worst Employee."

Oh, World's Second
Worst Employee.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x03 ♪
This Unblessed Biscuit
Original Air Date on October 10, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19

Hey, nap time's over.

I'm not napping.

I threw my back out.

My God, are you okay?
What happened?

It seized up when I was climbing
into your bed to take a nap.

Okay, uh,
everything's gonna be okay.

Just... relax.

Alan, get up here!

Why are you calling Zippy?

He's a chiropractor--
he can help.

Oh, stop.

It hurts when I laugh.
(chuckles) Oh.

Has this happened before?

Once. At a bike rally
in Sturgis.

Me and a couple of Hells Angels
decided to drop acid

and get naked.


What's going on?

Is something wrong?

Berta threw her back out.

Oh, no. What should we do?

Well, I called
a chiropractor.


Oh, me! Oh...


Well, uh, let's see
what we got here.

Where's the pain?

Standing in front of me
asking stupid questions.

Berta, be nice.
Alan's a doctor.

Oh. Oh.

Yes, yes, ha-ha.

But I can help you.

Although I am legally
obligated to tell you

my license has expired.

But thankfully backs
haven't changed that much

since my unsuccessful
board review. (chuckles)

So, uh, you can't
move at all?

Every time I do,
it tightens up more.

Oh, sounds
like a classic back spasm.

You probably just need
bed rest and ice, uh,

but, just in case, let me see
if you need a spinal adjustment.

Touch me and you die.

(quietly): She may also need
an attitude adjustment.

Okay, I'll call my doctor and
have him come take a look.

(scoffs) Western medicine. He'll probably
just prescribe pain killers.

Call him.

I will. In
the meantime,

you stay here as
long as you need.

I'll take the guest room.

Why? My back's out
but my front still works.

Be like Sturgis all over again.




Hey, were you alone last night?

Yeah, why?

Because from 11:15 to 11:22,

all I heard was, "Oh, yeah,

that's the way Daddy likes it."

Oh, um...

Uh, right, the-the walls
are really thin,

uh, between my bedroom
and the guest room,

and I-I was watching TV.


So the same show
came on again at 1:30

and then again at 4:15?



Can I ask you something?


What is wrong with Daddy?

He's lonely, okay?

Can you just let it go?

I should ask you
the same question.

What are you doing?

Well, since Berta
is incapacitated,

I have taken the initiative to
design and build a chore wheel.

What is a chore wheel?

It is a wheel with a variety
of chores on the outside

and names on the inside.

I got the idea
from my brother Charlie,

who had a whore wheel.

The only name on it is "Walden""

Ah, that's because it was my
chore to make the chore wheel.

And your
first chore


"cleaning Alan's room."

(sucks air through teeth)

That's gonna be tough
after last night.

Maybe you should
have Daddy do it.

Whoa, somebody found my stash.

Wasn't hard.
It was right here in this box

that says "Not Pot."

Very clever.

I didn't want anybody
to find my pot.

I was about to write, uh,

"This Box Contains
Poisonous Jumping Bugs,"

but then I thought,
"What if this magic marker

"is actually magic
and it turns my pot

into poisonous jumping bugs?"


I was really high.

Uh, you know, I-I really
don't think it's a good idea

to mix marijuana
with muscle relaxers.

Oh, those pills are long gone.

What? You had a good
two weeks' worth.

Or a great one night's worth.

Oh, bacon.

You guys take
such good care of me.

That's because
you take good care of us.

That's because I love you guys.

I love you more. Shh!

How's your back feeling?

Actually, a lot better.

I think I'm ready
to go back to work.

Oh, really?
So you can get up?


Am I up?



How 'bout now?

Yep, looking good.

Told you.

Hey! Bacon!

Why do these have windows?

I don't need to see inside.

I trust 'em to wash
and dry the clothes.

You know,
when you think about it,

a lot of appliances
have windows.



Wait a minute. Are we watching
them or are they watching us?

Got a little contact high
in there with Berta,

did you?

Not in front of the washer.

Hey, how old do you think
Berta is anyway?

I don't even know
her last name.

You know, I'm just thinkin',
I mean, she hurt her back.

It's taking her
a while to recover.

I mean, maybe this job's just
getting to be too much for her.


Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, she's not getting
any younger,

and it's a pretty
labor-intensive job.

Why in the world do you wear
boys' husky underwear?

Okay, you know how some
people trim the hedges

to make the
tree look bigger?

Well, I say stuff the tree
in a smaller yard.

We, when the police
raid the house

and find a drawer full
of boys' underwear,

that's not gonna be good
for any of us.

Neither is a drawer full of pot.

That's why I wrote
"Not Pot" on it.

So are you saying you think
it's time for Berta to retire?

I don't know.
Everyone slows down eventually.

Mmm, maybe you're right.

Maybe it's time to put
the old girl out to pasture.

Send her off
to the housekeeper farm upstate.

That might not be the best way
to tell her.

What? The-the farm
is a beautiful place.

She can run out in the fields
with all the other housekeepers.

There's sponges
and fabric softener

as far as the eye can see.

And the only dishes left in
the sink are made of chocolate.

I may be a little
stoned, too.

You ever hear
about the roommate farm?


We got a little surprise
for you.

Chuck Norris?

Fried chicken,
cheesecake and beer.

That's what my first husband
requested for his last meal.

Am I dying?

Oh, don't be silly.

Do you like farms?


I-I think what he's trying
to say is,

have you ever thought about
hanging up the old toilet brush?

Raising that vest up
to the rafters?

Oh, my God, you're firing me.

(chuckles) No. I-I would
never fire you.

I'm talking about retirement.

Just kicking back,

taking it easy,
getting high every day.

I do that now.

Besides, I can't afford
to retire.

Well, what about that
pension plan I set up for you?

I'll tell you
what happened to it: life.

Your house needs a new roof,

your grandson needs braces,

your daughter's meth lab

What were you planning
on doing,

working for the rest
of your life?

Nah, I thought about, uh,
getting a villa in Tuscany.

Then I said, "Nah,
I'll just hang around here

and clean the skid marks
out of Zippy's underwear."

How about this?

What if you could make
the same money you're making now

and never have to work again?

One last job? I like it.

Am I driving or shooting?

No. You retire,

and I'll pay you for
the rest of your life.

You're gonna pay me
for doing nothing?

Yeah. I call it
the Alan Harper Plan.

Where's this coming from?

Uh, we're-we're just...
worried about you.

This is a tough job, especially
for a woman of your age.


He said it's hard for a woman
your age to do this job.

I heard him!


I can do the job just fine.

Really? Because you
basically bent over

and haven't been able to get
out of bed for two days.

So you just want to treat me
like some pathetic charity case

you can throw money at.

Oh, no-no one's saying
you're a charity case.

Although, I, on the other hand,

would be happy to be one
of Walden's Kids.

I'm just trying to do
something nice for you.

By giving me a handout?

Unlike you, I've worked for
every cent I ever made.

Excuse me?

You got rich from one idea.

You have no clue what it's like
to work for a living.

Okay, I am not gonna apologize
for being successful.

No, you are not,
my friend.

Shut up!
Shut up!

And please,
"work for a living"?

You hurt your back trying
to take a nap!

You know what?

I don't have to take this crap.

Well, that makes two of us.

It's settled then. I quit.

Oh, no! Where am I gonna find
someone to eat my food,

smoke my pot
and sleep in my bed?!


Shut up!

(sighs) So what do you think?
Was I right, or what?

Yes, Helen is great.

Although I still
don't understand

why we couldn't at least
interview a topless maid.

Or four.

Will you forget
about the topless maids?

I will never forget
about the topless maids.

You saw the video.

"The only thing dirty
in your house will be me."

(door opening)

Supper time, boys.


Helen, this lemonade
is delicious.

That's because
I have a secret ingredient.

Oh, really?
What-What is it?



And, like, a pound of sugar.


Hey, you still
miss Berta?

Miss Berta who?

Hey, maybe that's her
last name, "Who""

More like, "Who Cares."


Oh, my God, look at this!

And for dessert,

when your tummy
starts to rumble,

there's Helen's apple crumble.


Shut your mouth.

I won't.

You shouldn't.


The only thing Berta ever made
with an apple was a bong.

Oh, she sounds
like a hoot-and-a-half.


Well, enjoy, boys!

Oh, no, no, no, no,
come join us.


Well, thank you very much.


The only thing sweeter

than your manners
is my peach cobbler.

Spoiler alert-- tomorrow night.

Well, I will be a gobbler
of your cobbler.

I am gonna stitch that
on a pillow.

Oh, do you...
do you mind if I say grace?

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Uh, should I eat this unblessed
biscuit, or spit it out?

Dear Lord,

we thank you for
the food that we are

about to receive,
and all of the other blessings

that you have bestowed upon us.

Hmm. That was beautiful.

And we humbly ask

that you help Alan and Walden

find the path to righteousness.



And lead them out

of their sinful
homosexual lifestyles...


their souls burn
in the fiery pits of hell

for all eternity
with all of the other Sodomites.

Amen. Can I get
some sweet potatoes?

Oh, sure.


What? She already thinks

we're gobbling
each others' cobblers.


When you're finished
with that dish,

just leave it,
and I'll take care of it.

Oh, thank you, Colleen.

No problem.

I'm gonna go make the beds.

I don't want
to spoil the surprise,

but I'm pretty sure
she was carrying a little bag

♪ of pillow chocolates.

I have to admit,
she's pretty terrific.

Right? I mean, she's
a good cook, she's punctual.

She's accepting
of our lifestyle.

There is no lifestyle to accept.

But if things change,
it's nice to know

we won't lose
a great housekeeper.

(cell phone rings)

That's-that's not me.

Oh, uh, maybe it's Colleen.

Um, Colleen?

Oh, for the love of God,
just turn it off.

Oh, dear.


Look at this.


Okay, I'm-I'm sure there's
a logical explanation for this.

I mean, she's a...
she's a single woman,

probably just trying
to protect herself.

So, what's this one for?

She has two guns?


I count four...

and what looks like a shank.

Okay, you get to fire this one.

Did I hear my phone?


Alan has something
he'd like to tell you.

I think I made
a pillow chocolate

in my boys' huskies.

Okay. Well,
our last housekeeper,

um, cleaned.

And, uh, sometimes
cooked for us.

Is that something that
you're comfortable with?

Sure. What would you like me
to cook?

Oh, I-I don't know.

For breakfast, I like pancakes.

Of course. Pancakes!

I'm... I'm-I'm sorry.

You see
an African-American woman,

and the first thing
you think is,

"Aunt Jemima going to whip us up
some flapjacks."


No! No! No!
No, no. Um...

Do I need
to bring my own bandana,

or are you going
to supply me with one?

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
We just, uh...

You know, we really like pancakes.

But, you know, I suppose
waffles are-are fine.

Yeah, waffles.

Chicken and waffles?

You know what? Let's...

Let's just forget

I'll just... I'll
just have coffee.

How do you take it?


I prefer tea.

Um, so, are you okay
with doing laundry?

Yeah. And I suppose
you want me

to separate the whites
from the colors.

Um, but you are aware

you're applying for a
job as a housekeeper?

Oh, so, now I don't know
why I'm here?

Um, I'm not sure you do.

Okay, okay. Let's...

Everybody just calm down.

Oh, so now I've got to calm down

just because I was diagnosed
with schizophrenia?!

Can you believe
these fools, Donny?

Okay, I think we have all
the information we need.

Um... we'll be in touch.


Let me know
if you need any references.

Oh, you all have a lovely home.


Donny, come on now!

No, no. You know what?
I changed my mind.

I don't want to
talk to Berta.

Too bad. You wouldn't let
a topless maid make your bed,

and now you've got
to lie in it.

All right, well, I am
not going to apologize.

You won't have to.

She said if you made
an effort and came to her,

that she'd be more
than happy to apologize to you.

Zippy says you
want to apologize.

See what I did there?
Can we come in?

No, place is a mess.

I was a jerk
to my housekeeper, so she quit.

Okay, that's it.
I'm out of here.

Oh, come on, Walden! Is it that
difficult to say you're sorry?

It is when you have nothing
to say you're sorry for.

Are you that clueless?
You hurt my feelings.

You hurt my feelings,
and you smoked all my pot,

so I had no way of not feeling
what I was feeling.

Okay, okay,
dialogue is good.

Now let's see if we can find
some common ground.

You're an idiot.


Look, I... I...

was trying to help you
because I care about you.

Not because I see you
as a charity case.

And I'm sorry if you got
the wrong impression.

I'm sorry I overreacted.

Besides, I was so high,

I thought
you were a talking dragon.

It is really good stuff.

That's the stuff I give
my grandkids at Christmas.

It's funny cause I get it
from a guy named Jesus.

So, what do you say?
Will you come back?

I don't know.

You may be right.

I might not be able
to do everything I used to do.

Well, we'll work around it,

Oh, absolutely.
What-whatever it takes.



Come on in, I'll make
you a cup of coffee.


Not funny!



Still not funny!

I'm glad you're back.

Me, too, and I really appreciate
you getting me some help.

It's the least
I could do.

And I have to admit,

Alan was right about
hiring a topless maid.


If it wasn't in the hamper,
it's not going in the washer.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19