Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 2 - I Think I Banged Lucille Ball - full transcript

Alan can't believe his luck, for once to Walden's romantic envy, when his ex Lyndsey, who left Alan for another, insists on 'meaningless' sex. Golddigger Evelyn has a ball with in-living filthy-rich near-terminal fellow libertarian Marty Pepper, but also has to take in late Charlie's daughter Jenny Harper.

♪ Men. ♪


Do you have to do this
right now?

Wow, that's the first time
anyone ever complained

about me doing too much
work around here.

Why don't you go do
that on the deck?

this is my house.

I can work out
wherever I want.

Besides, when I do yoga
on the deck,

the kids on the beach
call me gay.

You sure that's not because you
live with a middle-aged man?



Ooh, a little yoga?

Yeah, I'm just trying
to clear my head.

Um, speaking of heads,

Buddha's poking his
out of the temple.

You know what? If I lived here
alone, it wouldn't matter.


Sorry. Namaste.

What does "Namast"
actually mean?

Get out!


I'm gonna "nama-not-stay"
right here.

Okay, focus.

I want peace...

I want serenity...

I want a murder weapon.


You need to relax.

Do some yoga or something.

What is that?

It's a holistic
hangover cure.

Kale, wheatgrass,
three shots of tequila.


You know what? Screw it.

I'm gonna stay drunk.

Oh, yikes. Think I ate a little

too much ginger last night.

Oh, you had sushi for dinner?

Yeah, let's go with that.

It's crazy, isn't it?

We finally get rid of Jake,

and now we got another
one on our hands.

Yeah, about that...

What is the long-range
plan here?

I don't know.

I always thought we'd spend

our golden years together.

Eventually, maybe sell
the beach house,

move to the desert,

spend our days toiling
in our cactus garden.

Yeah, that sounds
swell, but...

Go out to early
bird dinners

wearing matching jumpsuits...

Look, I'm not gonna
wear a jump...

All right.
You know what?

Let's try this
another way.

Uh, in your romantic
fantasy of our future,

where is Jenny?

She'll spend Christmas with us,

but we're gonna
want our alone time.

Okay, let's focus
on that word "alone."


Having house guests
is the best.

You know, you get
excited to see them,

you put out
the fluffy towels,

you hold your farts,
everything's nice...

but, eventually,
you have to fart.

Here's what you do.

Uh, you go out on the deck,

and pretend to look
at the ocean,

wait for a big wave

and when it breaks, so do you.

Alan, I'm putting
in a home gym.

And it's either going
in Jenny's room

or Alan's room.

It's your call.

Bitch be gone.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

♪ Two and a Half Men 11x02 ♪
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
Original Air Date on October 3, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

♪ Men. ♪

Here we go.

An appletini a day
keeps the doctor away.


And what keeps Alan away?



Why am I here?

Oh, I just thought
we could get together.

Maybe find out what's going on
in each other's lives.

There's never anything going on
in your life, Alan.

Okay, you start.

All right, let's see...

Well, my boyfriend
Marty has just moved in.

Moved in?

That's a little fast.

He's 91 and a half.

He doesn't do
anything fast.

So you two sleep
in the same room?

If you're trying to find out
if we have sex, yes, we do.

Frequently and nastily.

Good God!

The man is in
a wheelchair.

How do you think
he got there?

No, I was asking

if your guest room
is available.

Darling, I-I would love

for you to come
stay with me,

but with Marty there now,
it's-it's impossible.

Oh, not me. Jenny.

Oh, Jennifer can move in.


Why can she move in
and not me?

Darling, if you
were a child,

this would be one
of those situations

where I would give you
five dollars to shut up.

Well, I'm not
a kid anymore, Mom.

How's $20 sound?

No, I want to have
this conversation.


We're done.


♪ Men. ♪

All right,
I'm out of here.

Don't be a stranger, Jenny.

I me, I know
that you are one

but that didn't stop me

from letting you stay here.

And that didn't stop me

from throwing up in your...

Ah, you know,
you'll figure it out.

Um, h-have you
got everything?

Yeah, I think so.

Oh, uh...

There's a girl in my room,

uh, Tara,


I don't really know
what the hell her name is.

It's tattooed right
above her ass.

Anyway, when she wakes up,

will you give her
this for cab fare?

And uh, uh...

tell her I, "Mackenzie,"

will call her

if I get back
from the Congo.

See you.

Take care.

Can you
believe that?

I know.

A Harper left this house

And gave me money.

♪ Men. ♪

Hi, Alan.


This is a surprise.

I know; I-I'm sorry.

I just need to talk
to you in person.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on in.

Are we alone?


Hi, Walden.

Can we talk in private?

Oh, sure, let's go in my room.

Oh, uh, hold on a second.

Okay, we're all set.

Aw, dude, come on!

So what's up?

Ow! Nipple!

I am so mad at you.


Because I-I'm with Larry now.

He's smart, handsome,

God, you have a type.


When I'm with him, I can't stop
fantasizing about you.

Okay, I-I-I'm confused.

I'm getting a chubby,
but I'm confused.

So you want to get
back together?

Oh, God, no.

I just want
to have sex with you.


And why am I asking?

I don't know.

I just know that I do.

Of course.

Forbidden fruit
is so much sweeter.

Go on, pluck my
forbidden fruit.

Pop my cherry.

Peel my banana.

Squeeze my
fuzzy peaches.

In my fantasy...
Yeah? don't talk.

♪ Men. ♪

Bye, Walden.

Bye, Lyndsey.

Um, is it hot in here
or did I just have sex?

Did you guys get back together?


She wants nothing from me

except the old Harper harpoon.


Know what I'm sayin'?

How is it possible

that you're having sex
and I'm not?

Well, apparently,
her perfect boyfriend Larry

has an Achilles heel...

and it's on his penis.



have you guys
seen Mackenzie?

She went to Cabo.

She's not here.
She's dead.

In the Congo.

Sorry, Tanya.



♪ Men. ♪


Evy tells me
you want to be an actress.

I figured with my daddy issues,

it was either that or stripping.

You've certainly got the rack
for either one.

Bless your heart.

My heart is in a landfill.

This baby belonged to

a drunken quarterback
from Alabama.

Roll Tide!

You know, Marty is
a television legend.

He created
Here Comes Pleshkin.

I love that show.

Th-That was
a drinking game

in college.

Every time someone
would yell "Pleshkin!"

I would take a shot.

I had so much drunken sex
because of your show.

It was a piece of crap,

but it paid for my first six...
seven wives.

And Pleshkin?


Once, he comes in
three hours late.

I tell him
to go screw himself.

He says, "Why do you think
I'm three hours late?"

That's a joke, sweetheart.

Feel free to laugh.

Is this thing on?

Roll Tide!


I need another one.

Why not?

I got my liver
from a narcoleptic

Vietnamese rickshaw driver.

Evy, that's the best gift
you have ever given me.

What do you mean?

You, me, Jenny,

a handful of little
blue pills...

It's like the Spring Break
of '43 all over again!

Marty, she's my granddaughter.

I know.

I have had some of
the most decadent

sexual encounters imaginable:

mother/daughter, twins,

triplets, Pleshkin.

But never the elusive
grandmother/granddaughter combo.

She's gay.

It just keeps getting better.

Sweetheart, while-while
I normally love

your unique brand of depravity,

this is where
I draw the line.

So when it's me
and the plumber, it's fine.

You wanted that
as much as I did.

I had my eye on his kidney.

♪ Men. ♪

This is so exciting.

Another man's bed,

another man's woman,

another man's...

I know,
it's so dirty.

No, no, no, the garage
door just opened!

And here comes
the car.

Beep! Beep!

No, Larry's home!
Get out!

What do I do?
What do I do? Uh...

Hide in the closet?

Uh... under the bed?

Ooh, I could put on
a wig and a dress

and pretend I'm one
of your friends.

Out the window!

Right, good call.

Whoa, we are up there.

Oh, beautiful view.

Hey, is that
the Hollywood sign...!

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

What happened to you?

Oh, these?

I was with Lyndsey last night,
at her boyfriend's house,

and he came home early,

and I had to jump out
the window.

Alan Harper: Love Burglar.

I like it better
than Alan Harper: Roommate.

It's just so much fun to be
thought of as a piece of meat.

She doesn't care about
what I think or what I say.

I know how she feels.

Let me ask you something.

How would you like it
if you were the poor schmuck

being cheated on?

I've always been
the poor schmuck.

And how did it feel?


Ha-ha, suck it, Larry!

I know you're having fun, Alan,

but sooner or later,
somebody's gonna get hurt.

Oh, believe me,
someone got hurt last night.

Boom, boom, boom!

Know what I'm saying?

Okay, from now on,
let's just assume that I know

what you're saying
and I don't like it.

♪ Men. ♪

All right,
you are hair-free.

You missed a spot.

You are a dirty old man.

If I'm such a dirty old man,

maybe it's time
for my sponge bath.

Paging Nurse Evelyn!

Report to Marty's crotch
with a loofah!

You ready to go?

I'll be right with you, dear.

Where are you going?
What about

Marty's in the tub?

I'll be right back.

We're just going
to the spa.

Yeah, Marty, you'll be happy.
When I she comes back,

she'll have less hair
than your ears.

But this is date night.

I'll be back by 8:00.

That's after Wheel.
I'll be asleep.

I'll make it up
to you in the morning.

I'm 91-and-a-half!

I can't plan that far ahead!

♪ Men. ♪

That was amazing.

It was.

You seen my underwear?

Do you mean...


You know what? Keep 'em.

Ooh, thank you.

Where you going?

What do you mean? Home.
We're done.

So it's just wham, bam,
thank you...

incredibly powerful,
yet sensitive lover man?

Aw, don't get my panties
in a bunch.

I'm serious. We never talk.

Because we're not dating.

I thought you were okay
with this.

I am. That doesn't mean
we can't take an interest

in each others' lives.

For example, did you know
Charlie had a daughter?


That's great!

You can talk to her.

Fine. Whatever.

Oh, for the love of God!

What do you want from me?

Well, if you must know,

she's coming over for dinner
tomorrow night,

and I just thought that
maybe you'd like to join us.

Dinner? Seriously?

Forget I mentioned it.

Okay, look,
I'll see what I can do.


I'll try.

Oh, thank you.

You've made me so happy.

Great. See ya.

I should've just bought
a damn vibrator.

♪ Men. ♪

Here ya go, Marty.

Just the way
you like it--

scotch and Metamucil.

Why aren't we eating?

It's almost 6:00.

Where are we, France?

We're waiting for
Alan's girlfriend.

I thought he was
Alan's girlfriend?

No. I own the house.

It's actually a funny story.
I was on the beach and I went...

Don't care.

Marty, don't be rude.

I'm sorry. Low blood sugar.

Plus, I really don't care.


not answering any of my calls

and she hasn't returned
any of my texts.

I told you
you were gonna get hurt.

I told you you were
gonna get hurt.

You know what?

I'm gonna go get her.

And don't try to stop me.

Okay. Okay.

No problem.

Now that buzzkill is gone...

anyone want to get high?

Roll joint!

♪ Men. ♪

You think Alan's
gonna mind

that we started
without him?

Who's Alan?

You know...

I think I banged Lucille Ball
in this house.

She was
my second-favorite redhead.

Thank you.

Wait a second.

It's night.

Why am I still here?

I'll see you tomorrow.

Are you okay to drive?

I'm fine.

Well, let me know
when you get home.

I'm home.

Your father would've loved
this night.

We're all drunk, we're all high,
and Alan's not here.

Wait-- who's Alan?

You know what
we should do tomorrow?

Go to the Malibu
Police Station.

They took more pictures
of your dad than I did.


I want to stay home
and play naked Jeopardy.

I want to spend time
with my daughter.


Oh, please,
nobody's buying that.

I am going
into the living room, Evelyn.

I suggest you push me there.

We need to talk.

Be back in a minute.

There's a 50-50 chance

he won't remember
what he wants.

If you're gonna talk about me,

you shouldn't shave
my ears first.

He's great.

Wonder what it's like
to be 91.

I imagine that you're wet in the
places you used to be dry

and dry in the places
you used to be wet.

What's wrong?

Your granddaughter is coming
between us...

and not in the good way.

Look, Marty, she just came
into my life.

And believe it or not,

I wasn't always the best mom
to Charlie or-or the other one.

Jennifer is my second chance.

You got to make a choice.

It's me or the kid.

I love you, Marty, but I have
to pick my granddaughter.

You know, I have $400 million.

I'm not saying it isn't close.

It's over.

Okay, I'm bluffing.

I really miss you.

I miss you too, money... honey.

Maybe I can
make it up to you.

If you can make it down to me,
you can make it up to me.

Something tells me that
Marty doesn't want me around.

What?! I can't imagine anyone
not wanting you around.

Really? Because
I'm pretty sure

I'm staying at my grandmother's

because you don't want me




I get it.

You already have Alan.

I do.

Hey, do you think I'd look
good in a jumpsuit?

You'd look good in anything.

That's 'cause I'm good-looking.

I pretend like I don't know.


Seriously, if you want privacy,
then why do you have a roommate?

Oh, you know, Alan's
way more than a roommate.

He's my best friend.

He was there for me
when I was all alone.

He even took me
into my own house.

You know, him and-and
his stoner son

and his horny mom
and your dead dad.

I mean, they've really
become my family.

Mine, too.

I guess that means you're
becoming part of my family.


I'm the most masculine
person in this house.

I like you, Jenny.

I like you, Walden.

If you were a chick,
I would totally do you.

Aw! You, too!

Hey, you're welcome
to crash here any time

you need a break
from Evelyn and...

91-and-a-half shades of gray.



You know, I was thinking about
putting in a home gym,

but big deal.

I'd rather have
a Jenny than a gym.

You and me both.

I get it.

'Cause Jim and gym
are homonyms

and you're a "hamma-sexual""

It's awfully quiet in there.
Did they leave?

I don't know.
Let me go look.

I shouldn't have looked.

♪ Men. ♪

No matter what she says,
do not cry.

You're the prize here.

Alan, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?
You're supposed

to be at my house
for dinner.

I said I would try.

And I said I wouldn't cry.

And I guess
we're both liars now.

Would you keep it down?
Larry's here.

What? You don't want him
to hear your whore?

'Cause that's all I am
to you-- your whore!

We agreed
this was just about sex.

Well, forgive me
for falling in love.

Alan, if you don't leave
right now,

you're never gonna see
this again.

Call at your convenience.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

I'll get that.
It's probably Lyndsey looking

for a little morning wood
to start her fire.

Know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying,

I just don't know why
you're saying it.

Uh, hello?

Mackenzie, you lying bitch!

Congo, my ass!

Don't run!
You don't want to run!

Yeah, it feels like home again.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==