Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 16 - How to Get Rid of Alan Harper - full transcript

Alan takes an interest in Larry's sister after "Jeff Strongman" agrees to be his best man, and Walden is concerned about his relationship with Nicole.

Previously on Two and a Half Men...

- Hi.
- This is Jeff. Jeff Strongman.

So what happened
between you and your girl?

She wanted to get married
and I'm just not sure I'm ready.

The same reason I lost Lyndsey!
Like we're dating the same woman!

I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me.

Lyndsey MacElroy, will you marry me?

Yes, I will marry you!

Everything you need to know
is right in here.

Somebody gave me
a billion-dollar idea.

Thought-control computing.

We have so much work to do.
All I can think about is you and me.

You got to stop thinking about sex.

- This is Walden Schmidt, saying...
- Pudding.

I think the computer
just read his thoughts!

It worked! Yes!

Someone's not wearing a bra.

This is great. My best friend, my fiancée
and a great bottle of French wine.

Technically, it's French-Canadian.

It's called Two-Buck Canuck.

And it's not wine, it's "wine-ish".

Still gets the panties on the floor,
if you know what I'm talking about.

- You should have another glass.
- I'm good.

Hey, how about you, Larry?

No, I'm not wearing panties.

So, guess we're done with this.

So, how long of an engagement
are you guys planning?

Two years. Five years.
There's no rush to start a family.

After all, Lyndsey's well beyond
her childbearing age.

We have talked about adopting
a baby from China.

We'd have to teach it English,
which seems like a lot of work.

Would you mind getting dessert,

- Sure.
- Sure.

Kidding. This one's on you, sweetie.

No funny business while I'm gone.
I'll know, Jeff.

You haven't, so far.
I've been banging her for months.

- I love this guy!
- She does, too!

- Isn't this fun?
- Yeah, it's great.

Why the hell are you here?

Larry asked me to dinner.
What was I supposed to say?

That you couldn't come.
That you had to work.

That you're not Jeff Strongman
and your entire friendship is a lie?

"That I had to work."
That's a good one.

Alan, this wedding
is very important to me.

If you still have feelings for me,
you will let me have this day.

Fine. I shan't go.

Good luck getting the Chicken Dance
started without me.

You want a piece of Lyndsey's pie?
No way I can eat it all myself.

I don't know. Last time I had some,
there was a hair in it.

Jeff was actually just saying
that he's got to get going.

Really? Then I'll make this quick.

I know we haven't known each other
for a long time,

but I feel like we share a lot.

More than you know.

I was wondering
if you'd be my best man.

- What?
- What?

What do you say?

I say...

You've made me the happiest person
in the world! Yes!

You sure?
Don't you wanna think about it?

What is there to think about?

You can change my name
from Strongman to Best Man.

That's the kind of stuff
I want in your toast!

And this is the kind of stuff
you're gonna get on the dance floor.



COMPUTER VOICE: Hey, good-looking.
What you got cooking?

Pot brownies.
What the hell is that?

It's a new project I'm working on.

It enables a computer
to read my mind,

and then talk to you.

Why can't you just talk to me?

Because I...

And this...

Shut up.

Come on, try it.
I think it's big enough. It'll fit.

The last time someone said that,

I ended up pregnant
with my first daughter.

Hey, I got good news.

I'm paid to clean up your crap,
not listen to it.

Guess who Larry asked
to be his best man?

One of his friends
who's actually real?

Jeff Strongman is like butter
on movie theater popcorn.

He may not be real,
but he's delicious nonetheless.

So let me get this straight.

Your alter-ego
is going to be the best man

at the wedding of your lover
and another guy?

When you put it like that,
it's like a soap opera on Telemundo.

"Señor, why do you make love
to the woman of the man you love?"

- Lyndsey?
- Are you insane?

Oh, Si, Señor Strongman es muy locol

How could you say "Yes"
to being Larry's best man?

I don't know, I got excited.

We both know when I get excited,
I tend to react prematurely.

Why would you even want to go?

Are you kidding me?

Just because you're mad at me,

doesn't mean I'm gonna miss
the wedding of someone I love.

Aw... That's very sweet.

I was talking about Larry.

Oh, dios míol

Alan, I don't care how you do it.

Fake Jeff Strongman's death
or actually die.

You will not be at my wedding.

She will be back in three seconds
looking for make-up sex.

One, two...



You're an idiot.

I'm sorry. That was wrong.

Tu eres un idiotal

All right, Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak
and Mark Zuckerberg.

That's a tough one.

I'd definitely kill Mark Zuckerberg.

Bang Bill Gates,
marry Steve Wozniak.

What? That's crazy.

Yes, you have to kill Zuckerberg.

But you've got to marry Bill.
I mean, I've seen it before.

He is gonna take those glasses off
and shake his hair loose.

And you're gonna be, like,
"Where did this guy come from?"

I hear you, but I'm marrying Woz.
I'm a boob-man.

You're playing
"Bang, Marry, Kill" again?

Because if you are,
I've got one for you.

Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis and me.

I'd kill you by banging you to death
on our honeymoon.

And then, after the funeral,
Angelina Jolie.

I would love to bang Mila Kunis.

Not gonna happen, Barry.

- All right, I'm out of here.
- I thought we were grabbing dinner.

I can't. I got a thing.

You've got a thing, I got a thing.

If we put our things together,
we'll have some fun.

Every time I say stuff like that,
I get pepper-sprayed.

That was one time, Barry.
And my mom still feels bad about it.

I'll make it up to you tomorrow.
I promise.

- What's your mom up to these days?
- Shut up, Barry.

You hope I don't run into Mila Kunis.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen.


- Hey, there's my best man!
- Groom goes the dynamite!

Come on in!

I've got some beer on ice
and sports on ice.

You're right. Tonight's the finals
of the pairs ice dancing.


You're hilarious.

You got to do this gay character
in your best man toast.

I'm not sure I'm the right person
to be your best man.

ALAN: I'll probably
just end up drinking too much

and getting yelled at by the bride

and singing a tearful, yet,
moving version of "All By Myself".

That's what happened at my wedding.

You're not getting cold feet?

No, it's your special day.

You sure that there isn't somebody
more deserving to be your best man?

A brother? A college roommate?
Someone who knows your last name?

God, you're a riot.

There's nobody I'd rather stand with
at that altar than you, Jeff.

Why do you have to be so darn sweet?

Plus, I'm counting on you to help me
with the most important part.

- Bachelor party.
- Outfits!

I was thinking black-tie.

Sure, black girls, Thai girls,
whatever you want.

Larry, where can I put this poop?

And who do we have here?

This is my sister, Gretchen.
She just moved here.

- Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman.
- Oh, yeah!

From what I hear,
I should call you Jeff Best Man.

Oh, my God. That's what I said!

So where's your dog?

In the garage,
trying to wipe his ass.

No, I couldn't find the trash.

It's out back. I got it.

You can tell I love her
because I take crap from her.

Get it? Crap!

And he's Mom's favorite.

I hear you.
Luckily, my brother's dead.

So you just moved here?

My brother's letting me crash here.
I told him it was for a couple days.

But between you and me,
it's a pretty sweet deal.

I should try that.

Part of me thinks
I should stay here till he dies.

Why stop there?

Why not move in with the next guy
who buys the house?

So what do you do?

I'm a vet. I moved out here
to run an animal shelter.

So that tasteful sports bra
covers a tender heart.

The puppies at the shelter
aren't the only ones with support.

Well, I'd love to meet your furry,
little friend.

I mean, I'm talking about the dog.

Not that I don't want to meet...
Never mind.

So, you run a shelter?

Always had a soft spot for strays
that no one else wanted to take in.

- Hey.
- Somebody is getting laid tonight.

Thank you.

No, not you.

I just found a late-night booty call
on Craigslist.

Booba-Fett 420.

You know, sometimes
the picture isn't who you get.

Oh, tell me about it.
I used your picture.

- Where's Nicole?
- Nicole. Yikes.

- This is gonna be tough.
- What happened?

- She's dead.
- What?

No, she just blew you off again.
I was trying to soften the blow.


The second time she canceled.
Something's going on.

Look, I'm sure there is a perfectly
reasonable explanation.

- She say anything?
- Just that she would call you later.

On the plus-side, I'm available now.
Dave and Buster's, party of two.

We're not doing Dave and Buster!
We're gonna track down my girlfriend!

Now shut up and get in the car!

Oh, my God.
You sound just like my dad.

This is impressive.

How'd you track her down
to the restaurant?

Triangulate the cell phone signal?

No, she asked me
to make the reservations for her.

I think they're in there.
Happy as can be.

"I'll have an order
of seared Walden's heart.

- Hold the trust and honesty."
- Okay, let me try one.

"Honey, I'm worried about Bobby.
His grades have been slipping."

Who are you doing?

That serious-looking couple
in the corner.

"I'm worried about the fact

that you always have to
drive the babysitter home."

I'm just doing Nicole.

Well, somebody's doing Nicole,
but it's clearly not you.

Why does this always happen to me?

Boy meets girl,
boy falls in love with girl.

Girl breaks boy's heart.

Boy ends up in car
with socially awkward friend.

Come on, man. You know chicks.
She's probably playing hard-to-get.

"You can't just show up at my house,
like this, Barry.

Where'd you get those pictures,

Stop washing my car
in jean shorts, Barry."

Do you have to notify people
when you move into a neighborhood?


- Who's that guy?
- A waiter?

A waiter who likes to hug.

Maybe it's Bobby,
the son of the serious couple.

Will you stop that?

Don't yell at me.
I'm not the one cheating on you!

You know, new rule.
No more talking.

"I'm worried how the man in that car
is treating his friend."

Hey. What you doing?

- Filling out an application.
- You're getting a job?

I'm getting a medical
marijuana card.

"What is your medical condition?"


Brought on by lack of marijuana."

Hey, can I run something by you?

- I think Nicole's cheating on me.
- Why do you think that?

I followed her
and I saw her with another guy.

That could mean a lot of things.

Well, we were supposed to go out
and then she canceled, last-minute.

And then she lied to me
about where she was going.

Bitch be cheating.

- Guess who's dating someone new?
- His girlfriend.

Really? That sucks!

Her name is Gretchen
and she's amazing.

Is this the beginning of the end
of the whole "Jeff Strongman" thing?

Au contraire, she's actually
dating Jeff Strongman.

She's Larry's sister.

And I'm still the best man
in Lyndsey's wedding.

Standard best man stuff.

Throw a bachelor party,
give a toast at the wedding,

assume a false identity

and bang both the bride
and the sister of the groom.

When you put it that way,

it sounds like a soap opera
on Telemundo!

That's what I said!

What does Lyndsey think of all this?

I don't know.

Alan hasn't told her
and Jeff Strongman doesn't care.

How is it that Señor Strongman
has two girls and I have none?

Because you're not willing to lie

and treat women like crap,
so you can get laid.

You're a romantic.

You think every girl you meet
is your soulmate.

You're ready to move in
after the first date!

We have a term for guys like you
in the lesbian community.

It's "lesbian".


- Hey, how you doing?
- Great.

I didn't sleep at all last night.

I just kept thinking
about Nicole and that guy.

I found my first gray hair.
Not on my head.

I didn't sleep much, either.
I met up with Booba-Fett 420.

Turned out, the "420"
was in reference to her weight.

- Hey.
- Look who it is.

I'm really sorry about last night,

but there's something
I wanna talk to you about.

Is it your pants?
Because they're on fire.

- Because you're a liar.
- What?

Saw you at the restaurant
with the guy last night.

You followed me?

No, actually,
we followed a really handsome guy,

who you had dinner with
and just happened to run into you.

I wanted to go to Dave and Buster's.

All right.

Okay, I was waiting
for a better time to tell you this,

but the guy I had dinner with
works for Google.

Well, Barry,
Google "betrayal" and then...

Actually, Bing "betrayal"
and let's see what comes up.

Yep, picture of Nicole.

I didn't really Google it.
That's my screensaver.

It's not what you think.

He offered me a job in San Francisco.

They're working the same technology
and he said I could pick my team.

- And that's you guys.
- My God.

I've never been picked for a team!

You're gonna do this?

- We're so close.
- Well, they're a lot closer.

The chances of us beating Google
are one in a... googol.

I bet we'll make jokes like that
all the time at Google.

Who cares if they beat us?
We'll create something else!

All we have to do
is believe in ourselves

and we can change the world.

They're giving you an opportunity
to work for Google?

I'm giving you an opportunity
to be Google!

I have to take this. I'm sorry.

So, you're just going
to San Francisco?

Where does that leave us?

We were just having fun, right?

Yeah, fun. Okay.

Good, I'm just... I just...

I'm glad you're not
one of those people

who thinks every person they meet
is their soulmate.

Or that you would think
that we were moving in together

just because we had sex.

She's not a lesbian, dude.

I got to call the guy back.

Go ahead.
Good luck in San Francisco.


- I'm sorry, buddy. I'm here for you.
- Appreciate that.

You know, actually,
what she's offering is a good deal.

So, if you wanted to go with her...

Thank God.


So, tell me about Gretchen.

Well, there isn't much to tell.

I grew up in Chicago.

I went to Northwestern,
became a veterinarian.

Married the man of my dreams.

But apparently, he was dreaming
of banging my best friend.

So how about you?

I haven't met your best friend.
Is she hot?

You know I neuter dogs for a living.

Are you threatening or offering?

So, what brought you to LA?

Just looking for a fresh start.

Out here,
I can be whoever I wanna be.

I can reinvent myself.

I've thought about doing that.

But in the end, I can't be anyone
but Jeff Strongman.

Well, I wouldn't mind a strong man
in the end.

Dirty word-play.

- I'm vibrating.
- I'm growing.

No. No, our table's ready.

Great, great.
Let's take our wine and have a seat.

You know, there's 20 minutes left
in happy hour.

We could fill up on two-for-one
appetizers and half-off drinks.


I mean, if that's what you want.

It's just, I hate spending money

Anything we don't finish
is going home with us.

I tell them it's for the dogs,
but "Woof".

Gretchen, do you believe
in love at first sight?


What the hell is "wine-ish"?

- Hey.
- Hey. How was the date?

Best date ever!

We are perfect for each other.

It's like God cloned me
and gave me boobs and a vagina.

Can't you see this Jeff Strongman
is only gonna cause you problems?

Actually, I'm starting to think
Alan Harper is the problem.

Jeff Strongman has a girlfriend,
a best friend

and he's practically debt-free.


He received a credit card offer
that was too good to pass up.

Jeff Strongman has a credit card?

And get this.

Alan Harper got a hundred bucks
for referring Jeff.


Now I just need to figure out a way
to get rid of Alan Harper.

Not as easy as you think!


I thought about what you said
and I decided I wanna work with you.

I don't wanna work for Google.
I wanna be Google.

- Really?
- Yeah. I wanna change the world.

We're gonna do
great things together.

Hell, yeah, we are.

All right.

So where do I sleep?

(English US - SDH)