Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 14 - Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe - full transcript

After Alan learns that Lyndsey broke up with Larry and didn't tell him, he makes a big decision. Meanwhile, Walden sets out to prove that he's a man's man.


I have to meet Larry for dinner.
Are you ready, yet?

ALAN: The question is, are you?

Happy anniversary, baby!


Six months ago, today,

we cheated on Larry
for the first time.

So to commemorate the occasion,

you donned the traditional
balloon underpants?

Exactly, I have a "heart-on" for you.


Yeah, I was gonna get you
a dozen roses,

but I thought the balloons
were cuter.

- Cheaper.
- Six of one, half off the other.

I'm not sure this is something
we should be celebrating.

Come on, you have loved every chapter
in our book of forbidden trysts.

That magical night
in the handicapped stall at Chili's.

The time we put a scare
into that field trip of sixth-graders

at the planetarium
when they saw Uranus.

That weekend
that Larry went back East

and we went "down south."

Alan, I don't have time for this.

Well, then, open your present.

Spoiler alert:
It's my penis and two of his friends.

And you can't return it
if it's the wrong size.

As fun as all this is,

I only have about ten minutes
before I have to go meet Larry.

- So we got to make this quick.
- My specialty.

I'm getting rid of these balloons.

Oh. Oh!

I should've had you blow them up.

I know what you like, baby.


- Hey, bitches.
- Hey.

- What are you guys up to, tonight?
- Oh, dinner and game night.

My ex-wife and I used to do that.

Our favorite game was Life.
Until she ruined mine.

Yeah, we're more fans of Monopoly,

"Hungry Hungry Lesbos."

It's like Hungry Hungry Hippos,
but we don't eat balls.

How do you know
when you've won that game?

Trust me, you know.

Hey, something smells good!

Yeah, we play that, too.

You guys wanna join us for dinner?

No, I can't. I'm going to the movies.
Oh, Alan, you wanna join?

Is it a porn movie?

Why would I invite a guy
to watch a porn in a theater?

So nobody weird sits next to you.

Well, going with you
wouldn't solve that problem.

Go watch your porn by yourself.

I'm not watching a porn!

Uh-huh, and I don't use
your bathroom to poop.

I can't go, I'm having a drink
with my girlfriend's boyfriend.

Why don't you poop in his toilet?

You're already banging
his girlfriend.

- You've got a flat tire.
- I got what?

I noticed it
when I was getting out of your car.

Why were you in my car?

Taking a nap.

Why were you taking a nap in my car?

I was getting high
and I just went to sleep.

Why were you getting high in my car?

Because you hide your pot in the car!

Geez, which one of us is high?
You or me?


Either of you guys got Triple-A?

You don't need Triple-A
when you got double-Ds.

Why don't you just change it

Sounds like a lot of work.
I'll just buy a new car.

Or you could use the spare tire
and jack.

Oh, there's nothing in there.

There's a trunk under the trunk!

Somebody's never smuggled anything
out of Mexico.

You grab the spare,
I'll loosen the lug nuts.

You really know what you're doing.

Yeah, well, I had a boyfriend
who was a mechanic.

- A boyfriend?
- Yeah.

Well, I went through a phase
where I dated guys.

I thought you were a gold star.

What's a gold-star?

It's a lesbian term for someone
who's never been with a guy.

Hey, I'm a gold-star.

Wait a second.
What about that story

about you skinny-dipping
at Boy Scout camp?

I was drowning.
I had to grab ahold of something!

It just happened to be Roger.

So, if you had met Walden
instead of me...

Oh, God, no.

Wow. Great, I'm getting
hypothetical rejections now.

I'm sorry, you're just not my type.
I was more into, you know, guy-guys.

Well, I'm a guy-guy.

Oh, please.

You made me come in your room
to kill a spider.

I'm allergic!

Look, it's not a big deal.
Some guys fix things

and some guys call the guys
that fix things.

You know, right after
they watch Project Runway.

Oh, I didn't see it last night.
Don't tell me, don't tell me.

I rest my case.

You know what? I'll show you.
Here, give me that.

Tell me I'm not a guy's guy.

I got "guy" coming out of my ass.

Shut up, you know what I meant.

God, these nuts are hard to get off.

Okay, I'll give you that one.

- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, there he is!

The BFF of J-E-F-F!

That's pretty good.
Did you just come up with that?

You think I just sat here
jotting down rhymes

before you showed up?

I'll have a whiskey.

We're doing the hard stuff?

I'll have three fingers
of créme de menthe.

Yeah, I've just been
kind of in a funk lately.

- What's going on?
- It's Lyndsey.

Lyndsey, Lyndsey?

- I'm sorry Lyndsey is?
- My girlfriend.

Oh, yes, yes, you know what?
I can never remember her name

because, you know,
I never really knew her.

Doesn't matter.
Anyway, she dumped me.

She dumped you?
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I was so shocked,
my first reaction was wrong.

Yeah, well,
it's been a really rough two weeks.

Two weeks? You guys have been
broken up for two weeks

and this is the first
I'm hearing about it?

I'm sorry, buddy.
I should have told you sooner.

Well, someone certainly should have.

Anyway, there is one bright side.

At least, now, you and I are free
to hang whenever we want.

We couldn't before?

I didn't really wanna tell you this,

but Lyndsey didn't like you
very much.

She said that?

Yeah, she'd go on and on
about your hair and your clothes.

She even said
you had the worst taste in jewelry.

I don't know where she got that.
It's not like you bought her jewelry.

That's true.

Although if I had,
she wouldn't have noticed

unless I put it
in the bottom of her wine glass.

Women. I know how to kill this pain.
Bring me the bottle.

Yeah, better make it two.

And a little whipped cream.

Oh, hey, Berta.
Can I ask you a question?

I'm a man's man, right?

I thought that when I first met you.

But then, I found out
you were married to a woman.

No! No, I mean, like...

Like, I'm a guy who can build things

and a guy who can get horses
out of mud.

If he gets stabbed,
he just rubs dirt in it.

You're talking about a guy's guy.

One of those dudes,
like, in the boner pill commercials.

- Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah, you're not one of those.


You're more like one of those guys
that gets a Mani-pedi.

First of all, there's nothing wrong
with taking care of yourself.

And second of all,
"manicure" has the word "man,"

like, right there in it!

Well, now, you calm down, manly man,

or you're gonna spill
your chamomile tea.

At least I'm the manliest man
in this house, right?


Really, I'm under Alan?

Well, do you wanna be on top of him?

What did Jenny tell you?
I was drowning!


What's up, ladies?

Hey, look who it is.
Bob the Builder.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, it's pretty manly, huh?

The only thing manlier would be

if you were dressed as the cop
or the cowboy.

♫ Y-R-U gay? ♫

Is this about the flat tire?
Because you have nothing to prove.

I ain't proving nothing.

Just being a guy.
Doing what guys do, fixing things.

Do not expect me
to get in touch with my emotions

or ask for directions anytime soon.

Is that chewing tobacco?

Yes, it is.

And it tastes terrible.

And I'm feeling dizzy.

Very impressive.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

That there's a laser.


Oh, this here table
is two degrees from being level.

I got this!

There we go, job well done.

I'm gonna need my bandsaw.

You two clean this up.
Ladies' work.

All right, I'm lubricated.
Let's do this thing.

So, how was your dinner with Larry
the other night?


- Where did you go?
- La Dolce.

- What did you guys have?
- Salmon.

Did Larry like it?

Okay, talking about my boyfriend
eating fish

is the world's worst foreplay.

Is he still eating fish, Lyndsey?

Is he?

All right, what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.
Larry told me you broke up with him.

For the love of God,
you're still seeing Larry?

As Jeff Strongman?

At least one of us
is faithful to him.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't tell you because I knew you'd ask
when you and I are getting back together.

That's not true.

- When are we getting back together?
- Alan.

This is what I've been waiting for
for the last six months.

We can finally be together.
Honestly, openly.

I can prove to you I'm the man
that you're supposed to be with.

I love you, Lyndsey.

So you wanna get married?

Whoa, whoa. Marriage?
We just got back together.

You're just like Larry!

Neither one of you
are willing to commit.

I'm just saying that maybe,
you know, we should date a while.

I mean, let's be honest.
You are a bit of an adulterer.

This is why I've been avoiding
this conversation.

You don't want to get married,

and I don't wanna be with you
unless we do.

So, if that's the case,
I don't know what else to say, Alan.

Except... good-bye.



Okay. All right.

Just so you know,
when I walk out this door,

I am never coming back.

This is the last you will see
of Alan Harper.


Breakup sex?



Oh, sorry about that.
Am I in your way?

The only thing in my way
are those pants.

Oh, jeez, sorry about that.

About the only crack around here
I ain't put Caulk in.

All right.

Oh, look at that!
Good as new.

Hey, if there's anything around here
that needs fixing,

I'll be the one fixing it.

So if you see something that's broke
and bothering you,

you just let me know.


I see something
that's broke and bothering me.

Not in the mood, Berta.
I just got dumped.

What happened?

Well, you know, I confronted Lyndsey
about breaking up with Larry

and it blew up in my face.

Alan, Alan, Alan.

You know, relationships
are a lot like woodworking.

There's a certain way
that things fit together,

and if you force it,
it splinters and falls apart.

But if you take your time,
follow instructions,

you build something beautiful, solid.

Something you can be proud of.

Like this here elegant,
cedar birdhouse.

What does this have to do
with me and Lyndsey?

But how cool is it I built this?

It's even got a guest room
for the Alan birds.

If you listen real close,
you can hear them.

"Cheap, cheap."


Isn't this great?

What's cooler than going
to a strip club in the daytime?

The girls aren't always hot,
but the mozzarella sticks are.

(GROANS) Yeah.

You sound like me two weeks ago.

I made that noise
every time I heard the name Lyndsey.


Yeah, that's it.
What's going on?

To be honest,
I had a bit of a breakup myself.

Oh, geez.

And here I am,
whining about my problems.

I'm sorry, Jeff.
If I have a flaw,

sometimes I'm not aware of things
that are going on around me.

It's actually one of the things
I like most about you.

So what happened
between you and your girl?

Well, she wanted to get married
and I'm just not sure I'm ready.

No way!
That's the same reason I lost Lyndsey!

It's like we were dating
the same woman!

It's exactly like that.

So do you miss her?

Are you kidding?
I mean, she's the only one for me.

I mean, she's the one
who brings me up when I'm down.

Whoa! Hello, future Mrs. Strongman.

So what are you afraid of?

I don't know.
It's just such a big commitment.

- Bottom line, do you still love her?
- Yes, I do.

Then you got to get her back!
Don't make the same mistake I did.

- Maybe you're right.
- I know I'm right.

Chances like this
only come along once in a lifetime.

I'm gonna do it, Larry.
I am gonna ask her to marry me.

And when things work out,

I'm gonna be the best man
at you and your girl's wedding.

Well, we'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

Want a private dance?

Oh, sorry, I can't.
I have a date with destiny.

Destiny's off today.

Oh, no, I meant...
Never mind.

Why don't you take my friend?
It's on me.

Oh, I only have a 20.

You know what?
I think seven's fair.


Oh, hey!

Sorry, ladies.
Man at work!

What are you doing?

Well, it's a little technical
for the layperson.

What the hell.
Let me walk you through it.

What I'm doing is sanding
and re-staining.

When I recognized
some dry rot and termite damage,

and I thought to myself,
what the hell, I got a couple hours,

why don't I just rebuild
this bad boy from scratch.


The bubbles tickle my nose.

Okay, you know what?
You got to stop building things.

I was wrong.
You are so manly,

that if I were straight,
I'd totally bang your brains out.

Of course you would, sweetheart.

But I'd probably sleep with you once
and then never call you again.

Hold still, please.

Yep, they're level.

Ow! Aah!

Just gonna rub some dirt in it.
Keep going!

- Walden! What are you doing?
- Oh, this?

Well, it's pretty technical
for the layperson.

- What the hell, let me just walk...
- Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

I got big news.

I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I just have to get a ring.

I got a ring you could have.
The one I proposed to Zoey with.

I don't know.
That ring didn't work.

- Neither do you!
- Touché.

I can't believe
my best friend's getting married!

All right, come on.
Bring it in, man hug.

Oh, you smell.

Oh, yeah. It's awesome, isn't it?
I haven't showered in two days.

That's what guys do.
We stank.

You smell good. Bitch.

Ladies love flowers. Um...

Oh, hey, Jeff.

Why are you calling me Jeff?

You must be here to see your friend,
Larry, who is also here.

What are you doing, here?

Larry! I just came by to...

To yell at this one, over here,

for breaking up with my friend,

Can you think of a better reason
for me to drop by?

Because I certainly can't.

Well, now that you're here,
why don't you have a drink with us?

Oh, I'm sure
Jeff has better places to be.

Work, nope. Girlfriend, nope.
Taste in jewelry, nope.

Here you go.
Bottoms up, Lyndsey.

Not the first time
I've said that to her.

What's this?
A ring?

What's going on?

What is going on?

Jeff helped me realize
I don't wanna lose you.

These last two weeks
have been the worst in my life.

I don't wanna spend another minute
without you.

Okay, I think she's heard enough.
Let's go get some wings, come on.

Just let me wrap this up real quick.

Lyndsey McElroy,
you're my soul mate.

Will you marry me?

I can't believe this is happening.
Yes, yes, I will marry you!

So, Jeff,
how did it go with your girl?

Uh, I was too late.
She's marrying someone else.

- That was quick.
- Wasn't it?

I'm sorry.

You know what?
Forget her.

If she chose some jackass over you,
she's just a dumb whore.

She's actually really great.

No, she's not.
She and her new man are both garbage.


- Look at this.
- That's right.

Hey, who has one-and-a-half thumbs
and built this deck all by himself?

This guy.

Well, I'm impressed.
I would've had to call a guy.

Well, then, my phone would've rang
because I am the guy.

Got to admit I was wrong about you.

That's all right.
We all make mistakes.

Oh, that's my spit cup.

This thing feels sturdy enough
for us to have sex on later.

Oh, it is. But be careful
because I just stained her.

Well, if you hadn't, we would've.

Oh, look at that.

Looks like somebody needs a new roof.

Luckily, I know a guy.




WALDEN: Call a guy!

(English US - SDH)