Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 13 - Bite Me, Supreme Court - full transcript

After multimillionaire Marty Pepper proposes to Evelyn, Walden and Alan throw him a bachelor party with several of his old friends (comedy legends TIM CONWAY, STEVE LAWRENCE and GARRY MARSHALL guest star) who help him celebrate his last days of bachelorhood.

- So, Marty, what are we celebrating?
- My prostate exam.

Doctor gave me a thumbs-up.

At least it felt like a thumb.

Well, I'm glad to hear
you're in good health.

Yes, he said I could live
another ten years

if I give up alcohol.

Yeah, but you're drinking Scotch.

He had a finger up my keister.
What, am I gonna argue?

It's true, he never complains
when I put my...


What is that,
the horrifying conversation alarm?

I was hoping it was a truck
about to back over me.

It's time for my pills.

Evy, I think I left them in the car.
Would you get them?

Of course, dear.

I think the keys are in my pocket.
You may have to root around for them.

Really nice try.

I got to remember that.
That's a good one.

You actually have to own something
to have keys.

Okay, let me tell you
why I'm really here.

You know I have been dating
your mother for some time now.

- Actually, she's not my mom.
- Yeah, or mine.

Well, you boys are a couple
and she's your daughter,

so we're like family.

- No, we're not married.
- Oh, but someday.

No, no, we don't wanna get married.

So why did you guys fight
so hard for it?

Yeah, come on, Walden.

You're here, you're queer,
get used to it.

As I was saying,

your mother is a beautiful,
warm, compassionate woman.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

I would like to ask for her hand
in marriage.

ALAN: What?

So, what do you say?

Can I make an honest woman
out of your mother?

I doubt it.

- But you have my blessing.
- Mine, too. Congratulations.

Wait, not so fast.
I have a question first.

Would you allow her son
to come and live with you

if his current living quarters were
to, say, suddenly become a sauna?

Any son of Evelyn's
always has a place in my home.

Welcome to the family, Dad.

Here are your pills, dear.

Look at that,
a hot chick carrying a bag of drugs.

It's like 1970 all over again.

Let's start with the muscle relaxers.
One for you, two for me.

- What are all those for?
- It's a combination.

Hardeners and softeners.

I have to take these or...


- Marty, are you okay?
- Quick, quick. Press the medic alert.

What is this?
This is a ring.

I've fallen for you
and I can't get up.

- What are you saying?
- Will you marry me?

I can't believe this.
You are so romantic.

- Will I have to sign a prenup?
- Of course not.

Then yes, yes.

And I want your son
to be my best man.

- Oh, my God, really?
- Not you. Pretty boy over there.

Oh. In my heart, I knew.

Okay, but at the ceremony,
I'm not gonna root around

in your pocket for the ring.

And, Jennifer,
you'll be my maid of honor?

Of course.
It's like I'm not even here.

I love straight weddings.

A bunch of drunk bridesmaids crying
because they don't have a man.

It's like eating fish in a barrel.

So, where are we gonna have
the ceremony?

Why don't we just have it here
at our place?

Maybe we should discuss this
before we offer up our place.

Do what I do, just go along with it

and later, take it out on him
in the bedroom.


Oh, Berta, can I try something out
on you?

There isn't enough alcohol
in the world.

No, I'm writing a toast
for my mother's wedding.

So far I've got,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

I am so pleased to welcome
Marty Pepper to our family.

To know Marty is to love him.
He's a kind, sweet and generous man,

which proves once and for all
that opposites really do attract."

So, you're telling everyone
you're a son of a bitch?

I like it.

Hey, Alan, I need your help planning
this geriatric bachelor party.

I started reaching out to the guys
on Marty's invite list,

and so far I got dead,
dead, coma, Florida.

Hey, where you thinking
about having this thing anyway?

Well, at this point, either Boca
or the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

How about a strip club?

I know a place
with a great all-you-can-eat buffet.

Two things
you never wanna hear together:

"Strip club" and "all-you-can-eat."

Marty doesn't want strippers.

You can't have a bachelor party
without strippers.

But more importantly,
we can't let the last naked woman

this man sees be my mother.

My granddaughters do
a great two-for-one show.

I can get you a family discount.

No, no. We... No strippers.
We're just doing a nice steak dinner.

Well, if there's not gonna be
any strippers, then I'm not going.

Actually, you're not on the list.

Okay, okay, one more time.

I want a nice fillet, medium rare,
and then you give it a nice sear,

and then you put it
in the food processor,

and you give it a pump three times
on chop... boom, boom, boom...

and two times on dice... boom, boom.

Thank you.

Oh, is this the party
or the bathroom?

- Here. Over here, Tim.
- Thank you.

What's with the glasses?
You look like Bono.

I was fortunate enough
to work with Bono.

Yeah, and, at the time,
he was married to Cher.

I just got back from the eye doctor.
Boy, he robbed me blind.

Can only read the top line
of the eye chart.

It says P, then I have to.

I'd like to propose a toast.

First to Walden

for putting all this together
at the last minute.

Well, it was tough,

but I managed to get a table
at 3:00 PM on a Thursday.

To Walden and his wife, Alan.

That is one ugly woman.


My mother and I have had
our ups and downs,

but I love her
and I want her to be happy.

And you, Marty Pepper,
make her happy,

which means I love you.

I thought we said no broads.

I had a gay friend
who was arrested for sodomy

and he had the charge reduced
to following too closely.

Anyway, I wanna wish you both
the best. Cheers.

- Tim needs a drink.
- No, no, no, I'm driving.

Marty, last time I saw you,

we were in a threesome
with that cute little redhead.

- What ever happened to her?
- I'm marrying her.

Nice girl.
Hard worker.

Well, I'd like to say
on behalf of all of us:

Getting married?
What the hell are you doing, Marty?

Why do you need seven wives?

You can barely get
through nine holes of golf.

She's a sweet kid

and I need a little warmth
and comfort at the end of the day.

Have you ever considered
a nice piece of toast?

Well, I would like to say something.

I might be in the minority here,
but I still believe in love

and it's inspiring to know

that even at your age,
you can still find it.

Now we have two broads.

The kid is right.
Nothing is more important than love

except a good opening weekend.

And salt.
Damn it, I really miss salt.

Okay, we're here
because we love this man.

You know, not the way
you two love each other.

But love, nonetheless.

We're also here for the free steak,
am I right?

Excuse me.

- Who is this kid?
- He's Evelyn's son.

- Who's Evelyn?
- The woman I'm marrying.

You're getting married?
Mazel tov!

Which one of you guys is Marty?

- I'm Sugar.
- I'm Cinnamon.

- I'm rich.
- I'm richer.

Hey, I thought we said no strippers.

It's a bachelor party, loosen up.
Hey, Marty, you up for a lap dance?

I haven't been up for a lap dance
since the Reagan Administration.

Governor Reagan's.

I think I wrote that joke.

give him something to remember.

They're the green ones.

Oh, and don't forget,
I'm only paying for an hour,

so whether you're in the middle
of a lap dance or CPR,

- you gotta get out of there.
- Okay.

I wanna find something
Marty will like.

I wonder if they have
edible underwear for diabetics.

Well, they do have something called

"I Can't Believe
It's Not Body Butter."

- Hey, you'd look good in these.
- No, dear.

Marty would look good in them.

Oh, you guys are kinky.

If we got any kinkier,
we'd upset the animal rights people.

So, how about you, Jennifer?

Are there wedding bells
in your future? It is legal now.

Oh, don't remind me.

I used to have the perfect
get-out-of-relationship-free card.

"Oh, I'd love to marry you,

but darn all that prejudice
and intolerance."

Bite me, Supreme Court.

Well, you never know.

I didn't expect to find love
this late in life

but there's just something
about Marty.

Yeah, there's just
400 million things about Marty.

Yes, but I would love him
if he was only worth 200 million.

You know, I was really touched

when you asked me
to be your maid of honor.

Well, you're the daughter
of my only son.

- Well, what about Alan?
- Don't spoil my day, dear.

And having you with me
is like having Charlie around.

This will be the only one
of my weddings without him.

Well, except the first one,
of course.

Oh, no, dear, he was there.

It was the first time
we got drunk together.

Where's Marty?
Nobody likes a stripper hog.

Oh, speaking of hogs,
I once did a show with Miss Piggy.

You know there's a guy under there?

You know,
maybe we should go check on him.

MARTY: I'm fine!

Best present that I ever had
in my whole life.

Thank you, Walden.

Actually, the strippers were my idea.

Oh, well, then you tell your mother
the wedding is off.

Tell her what?

The wedding is off.

Wedding pool.

I have, "Misplaces teeth
and can't recite the vows."

I had,
"Died during the lap dance."

I had,
"This man's name is Garry.

If found, take him
to 104 North Beverly Drive.

Do not give him Scotch."

Well, I have,
"Alan will screw this up somehow."

I win.

You can't call off the wedding.
You're not thinking clearly.

I have never been more clear
about anything in my life,

except casting Ralph Macchio.
Kid was a born star.

Well, I think the party is over.

Can somebody please drive me
to 104 North Beverly Drive?

I gotcha.

Listen, maybe on the way home,
we can pick up some Scotch.

Wait, wait, not so fast.
I got a catheter.

I can't believe
Marty called off the wedding.

I can't believe
I left a bachelor party

at 4:45 in the afternoon.

My mom is gonna be very upset
with us.

- "Us"?
- You threw the bachelor party.

- You hired strippers.
- That's why I said "us."

You know what,
it ultimately doesn't matter

because in your mother's eyes,
it's all your fault.

You're right.

She has never forgiven me
for her prolapsed vagina.

And I'm never gonna forgive you
for putting that picture in my head.

It's not my fault my ears got caught.

She's gonna be crushed
and it's all because of us.

Will you stop saying that.
It's because of you.

First you destroyed her vagina
and now it's her dreams.


I thought, as partners,
we shared the burdens of life

for better or for worse.
Or were they just empty vows?

We're not married.

Oh, you don't have
to remind me of that.

We're not gay.

I can see why we have
to tell other people that,

but we shouldn't have
to tell each other.

Oh, hey, Alan, look who's here.

- Hello, boys.
- Hey, you want a drink?

I know, stupid question.

(NERVOUSLY) Hey, Mommy,
did you have fun shopping?

What's wrong?

What do you mean, "what's wrong?"

You're using that same
whiny voice you used

when you pooped your pants
in ballet class.

- Good Lord.
- I was a kid.

You were 14.

You finally had a bulge
in your tights

and it was on the wrong side.

Okay, you know,
I thought this was gonna be difficult,

but maybe not.

Marty ran off
with a couple of strippers.

Excuse me?

Things got a little crazy
at the bachelor party.

What happened?
Did he eat sugar?

He may have.

All right. Well, I guess
he's having one last little fling

before the wedding.

(NERVOUSLY) Yeah, about the wedding...

There's that same
tutu-crapping voice again.

- He called it off.
- What?

Sorry, Evelyn.
But the strippers have his medication,

and I think one of them
has a nurse's outfit.

You know, I think if you went
over there and talked to him,

you might be able
to change his mind.

He may have even forgotten
he called off the wedding.

No, if he doesn't want
to get married, that's fine.

Are you okay?
I mean, is there anything we can do?

I'm all right.
You can't force someone to love you.

Excuse me.

What did I miss?

Well, the wedding's off,

and Alan crapped his pants
in ballet class.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

If I inherit this place,

there's a guest room
with your name on it.

Man, he bought this
with sitcom money.

I am in the wrong business.

- May I help you?
- We're here to see Marty.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Pepper is busy.
- Really?

He doesn't have time to visit
with Ralph Macchio?

A thousand apologies, Mr. Macchio.
Right this way.

After you, Daniel-San.

- We're going to take a bath.
- You can start washing each other.

But save the dirty parts for me.


- Who's there?
- It's Alan and Walden.



Evelyn's gay son
and his boyfriend.


All right, come on in.

If you're here to change my mind,
forget it.

But I thought you loved my mother.

I do,
but I'm not ready to settle down.

Maybe when I get a little older.

Marty, I don't say this unkindly,

but if you get any older,
you'll be soil.

Besides, you know my mother.

She'd sleep with you
and the strippers.

- Oh, yeah, she's a big whore.
- Yeah.

I'm not saying
she doesn't have her charms.

So, what's the problem?

The truth is,
I'm a six-time loser at marriage

and I don't want to go for a seventh.

I get it.
You're scared.

But, you know, in love,

you have to take a leap
and hope for the best.

That should be written on a pillow,

the pillow you can bite
when you and your buddy are...

All right, all right.

No, all I'm saying is that marriage
can be a beautiful thing.

So, why aren't you two married?

Why aren't we married, Walden?

- This isn't what you think it is.
- Right.

I don't understand you,
but you understand me.

You're right.
He's right.

I don't wanna end up alone

and afraid of commitment like Marty.


for the last three years
of my life,

you have always been there.

Every day.

When I wake up in the morning,
when I go to bed at night,

there you are.

So nobody is more surprised to hear
this coming out of my mouth than me.

This is not happening.

Alan Harper, will you marry me?

Yes! Yes!
A billion times, yes!

Okay, okay.
All right, okay.

Let's save something
for the honeymoon.

Ibiza, it has to be Ibiza.

You're right.

Excluding my heart, kidney and liver,
I'm not a young man anymore.

I'm gonna call your mother.

STRIPPER: Marty, come find the ducky.

We should probably go break
the news to them.

Yeah, yeah, that'd probably be
the proper thing to do.

Just so you know,

this is not happening
when we're married.

Marty, I love you
more than words could ever say.

From the moment
I took off my blindfold,

turned around and saw you behind me
for the first time,

I knew I'd never need
a safe word again.

I wish I had one of those right now.

The blindfold or the safe word?


Evelyn, I'm so happy
you're in my life.

When I'm with you,
I feel like I'm 85 again.

You're the perfect girl for me.

You make my heart skip a beat

and you know
how to use a defibrillator.

I wrote that joke.

Last night,
I only got up one time to pee.

I peed a second time,
but I... I didn't get up.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust...

Oh, I'm sorry.
I skipped a page there.

You may now kiss the bride.

Congratulations, Evelyn,
on a beautiful ceremony.

Can't wait for the next one.

I just have to tell you,

- I am a huge fan.
- Thank you very much.

I lost my virginity
to one of your records.

A-side and B-side,
if you know what I mean.

Oh, I just became a big fan
of yours, baby.

And I just wanna say one thing.

None of this would've happened
without these two.

And as my present to you,

I've arranged for Tim to perform
one more wedding ceremony.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(English US - SDH)