Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 12 - Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. - full transcript

ALAN: Previously on
Two and a Half Men:

- Hi.
- I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.

This is Jeff.
Jeff Strongman.

In return for 51 percent
of your company,

I will back your project.

I will sell you a minority share

if you agree to work
as my product engineer.

You changed my code!

- I made it better.
- You're fired.

We're done.
I don't work with you anymore.

That's what "you're fired" means.



So, this isn't a bad idea anymore.

Oh, hey, Jenny.

Do you have plans for tonight?
You wanna see a movie?

No, my girlfriend and I
are actually making one.

It's like The Hunger Games,
but we're not gonna be eating food.

Hey, Walden. Wanna go see a movie?
I got a buy one get one free coupon.

(CHUCKLING)
No, I'm not falling for that again.

Besides, I can't.
I'm gonna go see Nicole.

Are you?

Or you're gonna say
you're gonna go see Nicole,

and we say, "That's a good idea."

Then you're gonna talk about it more

and decide
maybe it's not a good idea.

And we say, "That's fine.
Whatever you want."



And then you come up to us
15 minutes later and say,

"I'm gonna go see Nicole."

Maybe it's not a good idea.

Come on, just grow a pair.

Or strap on a pair from my drawer
and talk to her.

Or you could go to a movie with me.

I'm gonna go see Nicole.

Hey, Berta. Wanna go to
the movies?

Sounds good.
See you later.

Can I get my free refill, please?

Sorry, sir, that offer only applies
on the day of purchase.

I know.
I purchased it today.

It's a Finding Nemo cup.

Then you found him.

Also, there was a spider
in my popcorn.

I had to throw
the whole thing away.

All right, all right,
just tell your manager

that Alan Harper would like to speak
with him when he has a moment.

- He knows me.
- We all know you.

Jeff!
Jeff!

Oh, hey, Larry.

And I'm sorry, it's...

Lyndsey.

Right, right, of course.
I'm terrible with names.

It's true. Sometimes
he can't even remember his own.

Well, I would never forget it,
Jeff Strongman.

Are you here alone?

Saturday night at the movies, alone?

Hello, suicide hotline.

No, my date is...

Taking a poop.

Is this date something serious?

'Cause I was actually thinking
there's a girl at my office, Gwen,

who would be perfect for you.

Honey, I'm pretty sure Jeff is gay.

Nope.

The only thing straighter than me
is my boner

when I look at naked women.

Are you sure you're not gay?

I'm sure.
Love the boobies.

You know what might be fun?
We all go on a double date.

- That would be great.
- Would it?

Does that really sound great, Jeff?

MAN: Alan Harper?

I have a complimentary popcorn
and soda for Alan Harper?

Wow.

Free popcorn and soda.
Bet you wish you were Alan Harper.

MAN: Mr. Alan Harper?

♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫

Hey, guys.

Oh, my God.
I knew you'd come back.

I knew you were not like my father.

Aww.

I missed you invading my space.

Walden, hi.
What are you doing here?

Don't worry.
I'm not trying to get my job back.

I just wanted to see
if we could get dinner together.

Oh, let me check my calendar.
What day were you thinking?

Yeah, I'm not so sure
that's a good idea.

Tuesday works for me.
I can skip Pilates.

Look, are you mad
about me kissing you?

No.
I mean, yes.

I mean, did I think about it?
Sure.

But, I think about a lot of things.

You know, computers, music,
the weather.

- Kissing me.
- Yeah. No, no! Stop it.

Okay, Wednesday,
I've got a thing, but...

You know what? I can move it.
Goodbye, Mom.

Look, even if there were
an attraction,

there are a hundred nerds
all around the world

working on thought-recognition
technology.

And if I don't finish first,

I'm gonna lose
the last two years of my life.

All I heard was,
there is an attraction,

you like kissing me, blah, blah,
two years of my life.

Goodbye, Walden.

Okay, all I heard was,
you, me, pot, Jack in the Box,

blah, blah, blah,
best friends forever.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey. How was the movie?

Fantastic. I went out by myself
and came home with a date.

Well, normally, you go out with a date
and come home by yourself.

- Where is she?
- Oh, no, no, it's a future date.

Future date?

Mm-hmm.

We talking like a sex robot?

No, no, Lyndsey and Larry
are setting me up.

Although if you do see an ad
for a sex robot, save your money.

They just put lipstick
on a Dustbuster.

Whoa, wait.

That's not the same Dustbuster
you got me for Christmas?

Oh, no, no, of course not!
That would be...

Oh, good God!

Wait a sec. Your ex-girlfriend
and the guy she's with,

who she's cheating on with you,

is getting your alter ego,
Jeff Strongman,

a date with a girl that they know?

Hang on.
Carry the whore...

Yes.

So, how did it go with you?

Well, I went to get a date
with a girl,

got shot down
and wound up with a date with a guy.

Been there.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Don't feel bad.

I've been shot down more times
than I can count, and I'm still here.

BOTH: We know.

Are you really that stupid?

All right, you're talking to a guy
who stuck his penis in a vacuum.

What's wrong with you?

Wait, I keep a list on the fridge.

Why in the world would you agree

to go on a double date
with me and Larry?

Okay, you are just upset,

because you are gonna have to
watch me be with someone else,

the same way I have to
watch you be with Larry.

It's just a taste
of your own medicine.

Jealous-ine.
Use as directed.

Side effects include tears,
sleepless nights,

and possible rage masturbation.

BERTA: "Number one: He's stupid."

"Number two:
Smells like mushroom soup."

"Number three:
He dates that desperate chick who..."

"Number four."

- Walden.
- Hey, Bar-Bar. Is Nicole there?

Let me see.

I don't know what that means.

I do not understand.

Sorry, Walden.
She's in a beating.

I think you meant "meeting."

Did I? Did I?

Walden, hi. Kind of busy.
What's up?

I have something for you.

Hang on.

I hate that she made me lie.
I love you.

That was weird.
But at least it wasn't a lie.

You didn't wanna come to dinner,
so I brought dinner to you.

Oh, great, I am starving.

Barry, it's just for Nicole.

Is it because I lied to you?

No, it's because I like kissing her
just a little bit more.

This is really sweet,
but I have so much to do.

Come on!

My poor housekeeper
slaved all day

to make us this delicious...

Note.

That says, "I don't cook.
Love, Berta."

Well, I brought
you wine and cheese,

and no freaking corkscrew.

I'll give you five minutes.

Well, appears the music has stopped
and I am left without a chair.

I only have six weeks to live.

Okay, that's not true,
but it is my birthday!

It really is my birthday!

Look, Walden,

just because I agreed to do this,

I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Well, it's too late.

Once a lady accepts a man's cheese,
they must marry.

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
But I am betrothed to a goatherd.

(NORMAL VOICE) Is that a smile?
Are you actually having fun?

Yes, but I really
have to get back to work.

- Let me help you.
- We tried that.

BARRY: Give him a chance.

Barry, what did we talk about?

Digital boundaries.

Am I the only one
feeling a connection here?

Of course not.

But because of that,
you're gonna be a distraction.

Well, I promise
to wear a conservative top

and to tape down all my fun parts.

All right, I will let you help.

But until we're done,
it has to be all work and no play.

Deal.

But you're gonna have to let me
tape down your fun parts.

You got this?
You ready?

One, two, three, four, five cherries!

Ta-da!

Wow, you did that with your tongue?

Trust me when I tell you,
I'm giving you a standing ovation.

Trust me when I tell you,
I have an erection.

- Isn't she great?
- Yeah, she's great.

So, you work with Larry?
Do you manage musicians, too?

No, I'm in talent relations.

Basically, my job is to make sure
everyone's happy.

Well, job well done tonight.

I can't remember the last time
I had so much fun on a date.

Maybe the problem's you, Jeff.

I don't think so.
I think you're yummy.

Well, I have been using
a coconut body butter.

Didn't I tell you
these two would hit it off?

Next stop,
couples trip to wine country!

Can't wear a thong bikini
in wine country.

Cabo, it is!

You should wear
a thong, sweetie.

Another great idea.

Oh, I just got invited to a party
in the Hills tonight.

You guys wanna go?

- ALAN AND LARRY: Yes!
- LYNDSEY: No!

Come on, aren't you having fun?

Look, if you don't wanna go,
I can give the guys a ride to the party.

Jeff in the front.
Larry in the rear.

It'll be tight,
but we can make it work.

Oh, I don't think
it'd be that tight.

No, I'm going to the party.

Let's just give it a minute.
Crowd's still on its feet.

(SOFT PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow, looks like we're overdressed.

- I can fix that.
- Gwen!

Yeah, come on.
It's a swingers' party!

All right, let's do this thing!

(THUNDER)

- It's like a hundred degrees in here.
- Yeah, right?

- I've got frozen peas in my crotch.
- What?

I got a bag of frozen peas,
and I put them down my pants.

It's delightful.

You know what? This is ridiculous.
We gotta be able to fix this radiator.

I've got a call in.
They're coming out tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Come on!
We've got three geniuses here.

Yeah, and one of them
has frozen peas in his underwear.

What underwear?

Still, we can make this work.

Yeah, I mean, it's clearly the heat

is emanating from this device.

We just need to reboot it.

You say the guy's
coming out tomorrow?

Yes, geniuses.

Now will you help me figure out
why this algorithm isn't working?

Maybe it's on a Java break.

Did you get it?
Like, Java and Java?

That joke killed
at MIT Open Mic Night.

Oh, yeah, this pointer is undefined.

Oh, right, of course.

So, guess you got it from here.

What are we waiting for?

I mean, let's just do this.

Really?

What about Barry?

He can film it.

What?

I mean, we're gonna wanna watch it
again and again.

You know,
maybe even put it on the Internet.

That's a pleasant surprise.

Here, let's test it.

Oh, right, the device.

That's exactly
what we were talking about.

Good. Now, put that on...

and stop thinking about sex.

Well, it's harder than it looks.

Well, it's a good thing you
taped it down.

Now, the first thing you think

will be the first human thought
recognized by a computer.

It's not even reading the device.

Oh, you know what?
I think I know what it is.

If it's any consolation,

I thought
she was talking about sex, too.

PS, just throwing this out there.
Totally up for filming.

Let me ask you something.
How do I put this?

Is there a grow room
before the show room?

There's a blow room.

How about this?

You said you wanna spice things up.
This seems pretty spicy.

And it sure beats the hell
out of couples therapy, huh, Jeff?

If Lyndsey is uncomfortable,
why don't you guys take off?

Some people can't handle
seeing their partner with someone else.

You know what?
I'm good.

Besides, I've always wanted
to sleep with Jeff.

Wait, what?

You heard me.
Let's do this thing.

- I'm gonna go get us some drinks.
- I'll come with you.

You're gonna be hearing that
a lot tonight.

Isn't this great, Jeff?

I get to bang Gwen
and you get to bang Lyndsey!

Yeah, that's one way to go.

Um, or I could have
sex with Gwen,

and you could do
whatever the hell you want.

Come on, you telling me
when you're nailing someone,

you never imagined
it was Lyndsey?

Never once.

You've got the green light, buddy.
This is so exciting.

I haven't had sex with somebody
new in a long time!

Yeah, me neither.

You know, I'm cool with it
if you wanna work naked.

There's a reason I didn't respond
the first time you said it.

Walden.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

I need it.

Walden!

- I need it.
- What?

The file you're supposed
to send me, I need it.

Oh, yeah, right.
The file, sorry.

(DISTORTED) Is this what you want?

Nicole, is this what you wanted?

Huh?

- The file. It's right here.
- Oh, right, yeah.

And let me just... put it in.

Oh, wow.

This really sucks.

We have so much work to do,

and all I can think about
is you and me.

- Got to stop thinking about sex.
- How are we gonna do that?

BARRY: Oh, yeah.

(SLOW, DISTORTED)
That's what daddy likes.

Yeah, that did it.

- Is this seat taken?
- Oh, very funny.

Okay, good news, bad news.
Bad news: Larry's with Gwen.

Yeah, not a big surprise.

She's got boobs that could save your
life in the event of a water landing.

But the good news is,
guess who's got two thumbs

and is banging you tonight?

This guy.

Jeff Probst?

- You ready, babe?
- Oh, yeah.

Wait, what the hell?

I told you
I wanted to sleep with Jeff.

- But I'm Jeff.
- No, you're Alan.

So what do you say?
Blow room first?

If you'd told Larry you were gay,
none of this would've happened.

Wait, that guy's not gay?

Mmm.

Thanks again
for the birthday pudding, you guys.

I love pudding.

It's even fun to say.
Pudding.

I'm putting pudding in my mouth.

BARRY (CHUCKLING): Oh, my God.
That's funny.

Looks like the birthday weed
is kicking in.

"Putting pudding, putting pudding."

Okay, now I'm gonna switch it up.
See if you can tell the difference.

Pudding putting.

Pudding putting.

Oh, my God.
I got it.

Did you?

The function, it's recursive.

It keeps getting stuck
in the subroutine.

- This is it!
- You sure?

Yeah. No, check it out.
This is history.

Like Alexander Graham Bell saying,
"Watson, come here."

This is Neil Armstrong saying,
"One small step for man."

This is Walden Schmidt saying...

Pudding.

Damn it, Barry.
You put "pudding" in my head!

Pudding putting.

Or "putting pudding."

I was gonna say, "The future is now."

The future is now?

What is this?
The 1912 World's Fair?

- Excuse me, guys.
- What?

I think the computer
just read his thoughts!

- We did it!
- Oh, my God. We did it!

It worked.

Yes!

COMPUTER (FEMALE VOICE):
Someone's not wearing a bra.

- What?
- Stop thinking about sex.

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs.
Baseball. Baseball.

- NICOLE (COMPUTER):
This was a great idea, Walden.

WALDEN (COMPUTER): It was.

- WALDEN (COMPUTER): You're so beautiful.
- NICOLE (COMPUTER): Thank you.

NICOLE (COMPUTER):
And you're so handsome.

WALDEN (COMPUTER):
I am so turned on, Nicole.

NICOLE (COMPUTER): So am I.

WALDEN (COMPUTER): Uh-oh.
Baseball. Baseball. Baseball.

WALDEN (COMPUTER): Oh, crap.

NICOLE (COMPUTER):
Now, I want pudding.

This is gym class all over again.

Last man picked
and I have an unwanted boner.

I wouldn't say it's unwanted.

Oh, hello.

Well, looks like
it's just you and me.

Yeah, Jeff Probst stole my girlfriend.
Bastard.

He's my grandson.

Wow, I can't believe he'd bring
his grandmother to a party like this.

He can't bring me to my own party.

- Wait. Wait, this is your house?
- That's right.

What do you say?
You wanna go road test this new hip?

All right, why not?

Well, we'll start in the grow room.

Oh, this is a beautiful house.

Do you have a guest room?

(English SDH - US)