Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 11, Episode 10 - On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! - full transcript

ALAN: Previously on
Two and a Half Men:

There is something
I probably should've told you

- before we slept together.
- Oh, God. Husband or herpes?

For the first 40 years of my life,
I was a man named Paul.

Wow.

You don't look... 40.

I love Christmas in Malibu.

I just saw Santa Claus
smoking a joint on the beach.

No, that's just Crazy Don.

He's a homeless guy with a beard
who asks girls to sit on his lap,

and try to find the North Pole.



This came for you.
I'm pretty sure it's from Jake.

He spelled Malibu,
M-A-L-l-B-O-O.

No, actually, it's "Maliboobs."

He put little nipples on the O's.

I just can't get used to Christmas
without him. It's just not the same.

Remember how he used
to screw up Christmas carols?

♫ Shark named
Harold could not sing

♫ Let's all go to Burger King

Oh, look. He sent a note.
Here we go.

Hey, guys.
Sorry I can't be there.

I am having a lot of fun in Japan.

Christmas is very commercial here.

Sometimes I think
they don't even remember

it's Santa's birthday.



I hope you enjoy
this little homemade holiday treat.

Oh, maybe he baked us cookies.

Oh, dear Lord, it's sushi.

Oh, man.

Well, at least he tried.
He packed them in ice.

Well, it's better than the time
he sent us those Easter eggs.

And that poor, poor bunny.

Looks like Jenny's Christmas
present got here early.

And from the sounds of it last night,
it's a "Scream My Name Elmo."

Hey, guys, this is Brooke.

Brooke, this is my uncle Alan
and this is Walden.

Walden runs the Alan sanctuary.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Where did you two meet?
- At my work.

- Oh, and what do you do?
- I'm an aesthetician.

- Ooh, an aesthetician.
- Very impressive.

You have no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?

- No.
- Zero.

How do I put this?
Do you guys like hairless vaginas?

- Ah, yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay, there you go.
That's what I do.

You know, waxing, tweezing,
threading and plucking.

She plucked the hell out of me
last night.

(SIGHS) And brought a whole new
meaning to ho, ho, ho.

Listen, you wanna go get
some breakfast?

Nah, I got to bounce.
Thanks again. See you.

(DOOR SHUTS)
Did I just get blown off?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. Big-time.

Well, no biggie.
I'll just go back to plucking myself.

I feel bad for her.

Do you remember the first time
you were rejected by a woman?

Yeah. When the maternity nurse
handed me to my mom.

♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫

Care for some mulled cider,
mull-lady?

Oh.

Thanks, but I can't.
I take hormones,

and the acid in the cider
makes my beard grow.

God, you are so lucky.
I wish I could grow a beard.

Oh! Look what else I have.
A sprig of mistletoe.

Okay, great.
Game's in overtime.

Come on!

I had the craziest day
at the mall today.

You heard me
about the overtime, right?

You heard me about the mall, right?

Darn it.
(SIGHS)

- Is everything okay down there?
- Hmm? Oh!

My bad.
I got phantom nuts.

You can scratch mine if you want.

Hey, Paula, I'm just...

Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize you had company.

No, no.
Come on in.

Rachel, this is Alan.
Alan, this is my ex-wife.

Oh, I didn't know you were married.

Then again,
I didn't know you had a penis, so...

She lost them both
at about the same time.

- Nice to meet you, Alan.
- You, too.

It's really great that you guys
are still friends.

Yeah.
And thankfully the same shoe size.

By the way, those silver platforms
that you lent me

really did a number on my back.

Oh, I'm sorry.
But you're in luck.

Alan here is one of the top
chiropractors in Los Angeles.

Well, I was named one
of the Top Chiropractors to Watch

by the Personal Injury Lawyer
Trade Association.

Yeah, he's just being modest.
Last night, he threw my back out.

This morning, fixed it.

(SLAPS) Oh!

(CHUCKLING)

Well, maybe I can come by
your office.

Oh, well, I closed my office.

I'm actually semi-retired.

I do philanthropic work out
in Malibu with a billionaire.

- We run a sanctuary.
- What kind?

You know, the homeless,
unemployed middle-aged men,

lesbian alcoholics, the usual.

That's nice.

Well, um, maybe you'd make
a house call if that's not too weird?

No weirder than me dating a dude.

Oh... Somebody's been
sneaking the cider.

What?
Really?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Looks like someone's celebrating
the 12 steps of Christmas.

Yeah, well, I've had a tough morning.

You wanna talk about it?
Let's rap.

"Rap?"

You're like the creepy guidance
counselor I had in high school.

Tell me all about
your lesbian experiences.

I can't help you
unless I know every detail.

God, I hated her.

She was good in bed, though.

Really?
Tell me about it.

I can't help you
unless I know every detail.

Oh, come on.
You're a relationship guy, right?

I don't know.
I mean, I do believe

there is someone
out there for everyone.

I'm just terrified
that my someone is Alan.

So how do you know when you
wanna be in a relationship?

The first sign is that
you start asking people,

"How do you know when you
wanna be in a relationship?"

- Oh, God.
- Sick of plucking yourself already?

Is it the girl from yesterday?

Yeah.

Brooke.

- Why don't you just call her?
- No. No.

I'm the girl that gets called.
I don't do the calling.

Oh, my God,
she gave you a fake number.

It's possible she lives
in the back of a Mexican restaurant.

Hey, look,
if you really like this girl,

look her up on Facebook
and send her a message.

Or send her a picture of your boobs.

That's desperate.

Besides, she already has
a picture of my boobs.

Or the busboy in the back
of the Mexican restaurant has it.

All right, look.

Sometimes in life
you have to take a risk,

and put yourself out there.

Sometimes it doesn't work.

But sometimes it does.

And sometimes it works so well
that you end up proposing to them,

and they say no,

and all you're left with
is a custom-designed ring

that you can't return
whose very existence mocks you.

(LOUD SIGH)

- You wanna rap about it?
- Shut up!

I will have this set up in a sec.

(CRACKING) Oh!

- My back.
- Oh, my God, are you okay?

Little chiropractor humor.

I call it cracking you up.
Hop on up.

How long have you
and Paula been dating?

Oh, just a couple of weeks.

You know, still holding hands,
running the water while I pee.

- How long were you and Paul together?
- Twenty years.

Wow! That's pooping
while the other one showers.

So Paul's change must have been
a big adjustment for you.

Oh, I was pretty angry at first.

When he said he wanted
to become a woman,

I grabbed a knife from the kitchen,
and offered to do the surgery myself.

Ooh! (CHUCKLES)
Baggage just stowed for takeoff.

Um, at least the two of you
are in a healthy place now.

Oh, it's not easy.

Can you imagine how annoying it is

that she's a better-looking woman
than I am?

And the boobs, by the way,
exact copies of mine.

Well, I think
you're both very beautiful,

and kudos on the boobs.

Would you mind working
a little lower?

Oh, sure. Let's narrow it down
to the lumbar region.

- Where does it hurt? L-five? L-four?
- Lower.

Okay, we're into the sacral region.
That's S-two S-three?

A little lower.

Okay. I believe we are out
of the S's and into the asses.

How does that feel?

Like the tension has moved out
of your back and into my pants.

I'm sure
this is wildly inappropriate,

but I'm very attracted to you.

Well, I'm flattered. It's just that
I'm dating your ex-husband.

Boy, that was a weird thing
to hear yourself say.

I understand. Let me know
if you change your mind.

You do realize your hand
is still on my ass.

- I do.
- Still there.

I'm just glad you don't know
where my other hand is.

Hi. So, I have you down
for the total bro-zilian wax.

Yeah, I wasn't really sure
which one to choose.

It was either that
or the Butt Reynolds.

Wait, don't I know you?

Yeah, I'm Walden.

Hang on.

Did you chase me out of your house
the other day for banging your wife?

Because she came on to me.

No, you hooked up
with my friend Jenny.

We live in Malibu.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Jenny.
Yeah, she was a lot of fun.

Oh, God, does she have herpes?
Is that why you're here?

No, that is not why I'm here.
Actually, I wanted to see if...

(SCREAMING) Ow!

Ow!

(PANTING)
Okay. Oh, my God.

How about a little heads-up
next time?

- Okay, heads-up.
- (SCREAMING) Hey.

Whoa!

Ah. Ah.

So, why are you here?

(STAMMERING) Well, my friend, Jenny,
she thinks that you're really cool.

And this is kind of awkward.

I don't really know
how to say this.

(SCREAMING)
But take her out again!

Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, I like to keep it casual.

Lesbians get too attached,

and then somebody always ends up
screaming or crying.

(SCREAMING, CRYING)

I get that.
(WHIMPERING)

But here's the thing.
Like, Jenny's really awesome,

and I think if you took a chance
to get to know her

- that you would really like her.
- Yeah? I don't know. Turn over.

- What?
- All fours, butt up.

This reminds me of a horrible
prison nightmare I once had.

You know, I got to say,

if you're willing to go
through all of this for your friend,

- she must be all right, huh?
- Yeah.

I'll give her a call.

- Okay. This one's gonna hurt.
- This one?

Mommy!

Whoa!

Some might say
that a guy who does this

out in the open wants
his housekeeper to catch him.

No, I...

Oh, hey, Johnson and Johnson.

And Johnson.

(SIGHING)

(RELIEVED CHUCKLE) Hold on.

Weren't you the one that called
the house meeting

about no more masturbating
in the kitchen?

No, I, uh...
I got groomed.

Actually, I went down
to Brooke's salon...

and asked her if she would go out
with you again.

Are you insane?

What, you think
I can't get my own dates?

Do I look like a child?

No, but thanks to Brooke, I do.

And thanks to me,
she wants to go out with you again.

She wants to go out with me again?
What did she say?

You wanna rap about it?

She said that she would call you
in a few days,

and that my balls
would stop burning by tomorrow.

Or wait.

Was it that
she would call you tomorrow,

and my balls would stop burning
in a few days?

Let me know when she calls.
Okay?

Thank you. Thank you
from the bottom of my heart.

You are welcome
from the bottom of my scrotum.

(BOTH GASPING)

Wow.

- That was amazing.
- I got to tell you.

The guy who built your hoo-hah
is an artist.

He's like van Gogh,

but instead of cutting off ears,
he's cutting off... Well, you know.

- Hey.
- What?

Can we talk about us?

Oh, God, can't I just
buy you something?

Well, gifts are always welcome,

but I was just wondering
if we were exclusive.

Okay, look, Alan, I like you.

But I always promised myself

that if I had the courage
to become a real woman

that that woman
would be a total slut.

Okay, so just to clarify.

You or me are free
to date anybody else,

- anybody in the world?
- Yes.

Okay, if that's what you want.

Oh, hey, you look great.

No, I don't.

I've tried on, like,
a hundred outfits.

Butch, femme, lipstick, pixie.

There was even a dark moment

where I was wearing
one of Alan's Polos.

Oh, actually, they're called Polas.
He buys them at a gas station.

If you look close,
the guy's not playing polo.

It's a gardener riding a donkey.

- I'm a nervous wreck.
- Oh, come on.

You're gonna be fine.
Just be yourself.

Right. Right.
Right, just be myself.

W-W-J-D?

What would Jenny drink?

I don't think that alcohol
is the answer.

Well, clearly,
you don't know the question.

On vodka, on soda,
on blender, on mixer!

Okay, I'm just gonna go back
to blowing myself.

So, did you ask Santa
for anything special this year?

Oh, just someone
to stuff my stocking.

Oh! Someone's on the naughty list.

Well, I hope that won't keep me
from getting a nice big package.

Oh, don't you worry.

I'm sure Santa's got something
in his sack for you.

Look who's on the naughty list now.

(CHUCKLING) But you have
to be careful about shipping rates

around the holidays.

You could pay extra for a package
that's oversized

or an irregular shape.

Rachel?

- Paula?
- Alan? What's going on here?

Well, this is an awkward coincidence.

It's not a coincidence.

I come here every Friday night
and she knows it.

Oh, this is completely innocent.

Oh, please.
You're wearing my screw-me pumps.

That's funny.
I have a screw-me pump, too.

I only need it
when I'm drinking too much.

All the women in the world
and you have to pick my ex-wife?

First of all,
I don't actually get to pick.

I'm more of a take-what-comes
kind of guy.

Besides,
you said we weren't exclusive.

Yeah, he can date whoever he wants.

Okay, you only brought him here
to make me jealous.

Oh, please.
Don't flatter yourself.

OK, let's all...
Let's just calm down here.

Hey, I see it now.
You guys do have the same boobs.

- Jenny? Are you okay?
- JENNY: I'll be right there.

Can you knock again
so I can find the door?

Okay, I'm coming in.

- Hey, Walden!
- Are you drunk?

No, I only had one drink.

Okay, I went to a lot of trouble
for you,

and you are going on this date.

Why do you care so much?

Well, I can give you
a Brazilian reasons why.

Now, come on.
Let's get you sobered up.

Okay, let me just use
the bathroom real quick.

Jenny?

- That's not the bathroom.
- Too late.

How could you do this to me?

It hurts losing the man
of your dreams, doesn't it?

Oh, please.
Alan is not the man of my dreams.

He's just the only guy
who didn't think

an inside-out wiener
was a deal breaker.

I've also been told I have nice eyes,
but okay.

Well, you were the man of my dreams.

Don't you see what's going on here?

You still care for her,

and you're just trying
to make her jealous

by dating a sexy, handsome,
well-endowed man.

I do still have feelings for you.

And you still have feelings for her,

despite taking a lover
whose charm and wit

is only matched by
his unbridled passion in the boudoir.

- I do miss you.
- I miss you too.

Oh, how nice is this?
You two should kiss.

Come here.

You two are probably
gonna want a picture of this.

Let's get some coffee in you.

Okay, I'll have a half-caff Zach Braff.

Perfect.
(DOORBELL RINGS)

(SIGHS)

It's a tale as old as time.

Don't wax your ass to help
your roommate's lesbian niece.

Hey, Waldo.

Hi, Baldo.

- Brooke, are you drunk?
- No, I'm merloaded.

You drank
that whole bottle yourself?

It's okay. I'm gonna eat later.
Shh!

I'm sorry.

I never do second dates,

and I was nervous
because I really like Jenny.

Hello.
Hey, there's Jenny.

Okay, nap date.
Good idea.

How cute.

It's like two drunk, gay puppies.

Oh... they're gonna want
a picture of this later.

WALDEN: 'Twas the night before
Christmas when all down the beach

not a creature was stirring,
not even a leech.

Alan was nestled,
all snug in his bed

while visions of lesbians
danced in his head.

Brooke and Jenny were sleeping,
a long winter's nap,

surrounded by bottles
with nary a cap.

Jenny was nervous and frightened
but took a big chance.

She let Brooke in her heart
as well as her pants.

While Berta in her vest,
and I in my Hattie

had just baked our brains out
with a big Christmas fatty.

We started to doze,
we hadn't a care.

Happy Christmas to all.
My balls have no hair.

(English US - SDH)