Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 9 - I Scream When I Pee - full transcript

Alan's second ex-wife, Kandi, could spoil Alan's new long-term relationship with Lyndsey. Meanwhile, Walden tries to celebrate Berta's birthday.

Previously on
Two and a Half Men...

I'm talking about making

a long-term commitment
to each other.

You mean like marriage?

I just don't understand
why we can't

keep things the way they are.

You mean living day-to-day,

never knowing what kind of future
you have with the person

you've been in a relationship with
the past three years?

Okay, I-I prefer to think of it
as cherishing each day--

nay, each moment--
with the woman I love



because it-it could
all disappear

in-in the blink of an eye.

You mean like this?

How was your day?

I'm pretty sure
Lyndsey and I broke up.

I really like Lyndsey.
I thought she was great.

She is great.

But I'm not gonna be bullied
into spending the rest

of my life with somebody
just 'cause they're great.

- Alan.
- We need to talk.

Go ahead.

I-I want to be with you forever.

That's all I ever
wanted to hear.

I love you, Lyndsey,



and as soon as I can
save enough money,

I'm gonna...

put a deposit down
on an engagement ring.

You don't have to
buy me some dumb ring.

That's all I ever
wanted to hear.

Oh! Oh, hey, Jake.

- Hey, Dad.
- What's going on?

Oh, I've got good news.
I've got a girlfriend.

Oh, oh, that's great.

And it gets better.

She gave me the clap.

Wait, wait, how's that better?

It's a sexually transmitted
disease, Dad.

Sexually transmitted.

Disease.

Yeah. So you get it.

And now everybody knows
that I'm getting it.

Wait.
Wait, y-you're telling people?

No, I don't have to,
'cause I scream when I pee.

I'm literally speechless, Jake.

Hey, Walden!

Oh, hey, Jake.

I got the clap!

Uh... congratulations.

Thanks, man.

All right, gotta run, Dad.
I'll talk to you later.

I'm going to SeaWorld with my
girlfriend and her three kids.

It's too bad antibiotics
can't cure stupidity.

Hey, that's my son you're...

eh, you're right.

Huh.

What?

I just got an e-mail
from my ex-wife.

She wants to meet me for coffee.

Judith?

Oh, no, no, m-my second wife.

You got two women to marry you?

Yeah.

I had to get the taste
of Judith out of my mouth.

How come you never told me
about the second one?

Ah, there wasn't much to tell.

I mean, we got married in Vegas,

won a half a million
dollar jackpot,

she dumped me, took the money,

and moved to New York
and became a TV star.

This might be the first
interesting story

you've ever told.

Was she really a TV star?

Yeah, she's on that
cop show Stiffs.

"If you're not
one of the suspects,

you're one of the Stiffs."

I love that show.

Who does she play?

Detective Jane Risotto.

Wait a minute!

You were married to
tough-talkin', smooth-walkin',

pistol-packin' Jane Risotto?

Guilty.

Guilty of being with
the hottest woman on Earth.

I-I know.

Hold on...

Wait, her?

Yes.

You?

Yes.

No...

- Yes.
- No!

And you wonder why I didn't
tell you about this.

No!

Yes!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Kandi, over here.

Alan.

Look at you.
You look terrific.

Oh, thank you.

And you look...
Wow.

That-that dress fits you
like a...

spray-on tan.

It's so good to see you.

Well, you, too. So, uh,
what are you doing here?

Meeting you for coffee. Duh.

Uh, n-no, I meant what are
you doing here in L.A.?

Oh. I'm in the new
James Cameron movie.

- Oh!
- I'm gonna be in 3-D.

You'll certainly pop
right off the screen.

Pop, pop.

Thanks.

So, what's up with you?
How's Jake?

Oh, good. Uh, he's in the army.

Wow!
Yeah.

Which one?

Um... ours.

Oh, phew.

So, look at you,
Little Miss Hollywood.

Oh, please,
I haven't changed at all.

I'd like a nonfat, decaf latte
with just a whisper of foam.

Um, Kandi, he doesn't work here.

Is that a problem?

Nope.

So, did you ever get remarried?

Oh, oh, no, but, uh... but I do
have a lovely girlfriend.

Oh...good for you.

Thanks. So, how about you?
You seeing anyone?

No. Most guys just want a
piece of Detective Jane Risotto.

Well, as pieces go,
that's a good one.

Thanks.

I never told you this,

but you're the best lover
I ever had.

Oh, oh, geez, uh...
I don't know what to say.

Uh, but, you know, I certainly
gave it 110% every time.

Mmm.

Wow.

Imagine if you had given it
your all.

I'm sorry,
you're in a relationship.

We shouldn't even be talking
about this stuff.

That's right.
It's just not appropriate.

So, um... so, didn't you date
Derek Jeter for a while?

I did.

Huh.

Hi.

Hi! What are you doing here?

Well, something weird
just happened,

and I wanted to talk
to you about it.

You okay?

Oh, oh, yeah, everything's fine.

It's just, uh...

Uh, well, come here,
sit down.

What's going on?

Uh, well, okay,
here's the deal. I...

I just... met my ex-wife
for coffee and she...

got a little flirtatious
with me,

and it kind of freaked me out.

Wait, Judith got
flirtatious with you?

Oh, oh, no, it wasn't Judith.

It was the hot one?

Okay, I don't think Judith would
appreciate that, but, uh...

but, yes, i-it was
the-the hot one.

What do you mean
she was flirtatious?

Oh, oh, the details
are unimportant.

I mean, she said I was
better in bed than Derek Jeter,

but whatever, um...

Wait a second, you want me
to believe

that one of the sexiest women
in the world hit on you

and you turned her down?

Well, yes, yes, I-I did.

I-I told Kandi that I am
in a committed relationship

with a woman
that I-I truly love,

and-and I just wanted
to tell you

because I don't want us
to have any secrets.

Really?

Yeah. I don't need a young,
rich, gorgeous movie star

with flawless skin
and a great body.

I have you.

Okay, l-let me try that again.

Um...

Oh, hey, you should take
tomorrow off.

Why?

It's your birthday.

Nobody should have to work
on their birthday.

Who the hell told you
it was my birthday?

You did, when we put you
on my company health plan.

Damn it, I should've just lived
with that hernia.

Come on, birthdays are terrific.

It's all your loved ones
celebrating how great you are.

It's like Christmas, except
you're the savior of the world.

Sounds good,

but all my loved ones are
in jail, rehab, or dead.

I can't think of anything
I'm less interested in

than my birthday.

Boy, do I have
a story for you.

I stand corrected.

What's going on?

So, I go meet Kandi for coffee.

Yeah.
It turns out she wants me.

- No.
- Yeah.

- No!
- Oh, yeah.

So did you?

- No.
- No?!

Yes!

Uh, hold on, I'm lost.

So, when I tell Lyndsey

that I turned down
Kandi because of her,

Lyndsey bangs my brains out.

In the middle
of the day.

She could see everything
and she kept going.

No!

Yes! But let's not get caught
in this loop again.

I-I mean, all my life,

I've had to lie to women
to have fantastic sex.

Turns out, all I had
to do was be honest.

It's almost ridiculous
in its simplicity.

From now on, I'm just gonna
be totally honest with women.

Well, until they catch on
to that scam.

Exactly. Then it's back
to Alan Harper, astronaut.

Hello?

Kandi?

Wait, wh-why are you crying?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

Okay, not that slow.

Wh...

How many drinks have you had?

All right, "schlebbin" is not
a real number,

but it sounds like it was a lot.

Oh, n-no, no,
d-don't talk like that.

You've got plenty to live for.

All right, all right,
d-don't do anything stupid.

I-I'll be right over.

This is the price I pay
for being the best lover ever.

Where you going?

Oh, I, uh, got to take care
of my drunk, hysterical ex-wife.

What are you doing up?

Checking the stock market
in London.

You're watching porn,
aren't you?

I have more than
one window open, yes.

Okay, I'll see you.

Wait, hey, you-you want
me to come with you?

Oh, no, no, I think
I can handle it.

You think you might get laid.

I have more
than one window open, yes.

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It's open.

Kandi?

Hi.

Are-are you okay?

I am now that you're here.

Wait a minute,
wh-what's going on?

On the phone, you were drunk
and practically suicidal.

I was acting.

A-Acting?

Alan, you don't get a People's
Choice Award for nothing.

So this whole thing was a setup
just to get me over here?

I'm used to getting what I want.

Well, uh, yeah,
yeah, Kandi,

but I told you before,
I-I have a girlfriend.

And-and-and, oh, God,
you smell good.

Kind of, kind of like

a combination of
pineapple and...

hope.

I have a couple
of old friends here

who want to say hello!

Hello.

Hello.

Why don't we continue this
conversation in the bedroom?

Oh. Oh, Kandi,
I... I-I can't.

Um, I, I mean,
I mean, I can.

Parts of me already did,
but, uh, I-I have to leave.

All right, fine.

You must really love her.

That's the only explanation
I can come up with.

Geez, the fact that you don't
want to sleep with me

makes me want you even more.

But if you did sleep with me,
you'd be like all the others,

and then I wouldn't want
to sleep with you.

So if you really don't want
to sleep with me,

you should sleep with me.

The scary part is
that makes perfect sense.

Um, good-bye, Kandi.

Don't forget me, Alan.

As long as there's a slow,
soapy shower in the world,

you will never be forgotten.

Good morning.

Oh, hey, how'd it go
with Kandi last night?

Horrible--
she wanted to have sex with me.

Why do bad things happen
to good people?

Bottom line is, I took
the high road, and it sucks.

That's why it's
the road less traveled.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Yes, they're spectacular.

I knew it.

what do you
usually do for Berta's birthday?

Oh, uh, well, my brother
would stuff a card full of cash

and then, after he passed out,

I'd steam it open,
take a few 20s, and sign it.

Yeah, I kind of get a feeling that

She doesn't have anybody
doing anything special for her.

Yeah, I don't think
she does.

Let me know if you want to give
her cash; I'll buy the card.

Oh.

Hey, Lyndsey.

Whoa, whoa, c-c-calm down.

Kandi's hotel room?

What, what makes you think
I was there?

Paparazzi photos
on the Internet?

Uh, wow, that, that is just,
that is crazy, Lyndsey.

I, I, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Hmm, maybe it's this.

Oh, crap.

Um, uh, well, all right,
all right, all right,

I-I-I can explain that.

Uh, uh, she, she called me
at 2:00 in the morning,

and I-I thought
she was drunk and suicidal,

but it turns out
she was just acting.

Did you know she won
a People's Choice?

B-B-But I swear
nothing happened.

This doesn't look like nothing.

Uh, okay, okay, but, but,
but what you can't see

in that picture is,
is what I was thinking,

and what I was thinking about
was you, the woman I lo...

Hello?

- Oh, man.
- Mm-mm, I'm sorry, buddy.

Oh, look, you've
been identified

as "Matthew
Broderick's father""

There's the birthday girl.

I'm not in the mood, Walden.

There is a ton of weed in this.

Happy birthday to me.

These photos are all
over the Internet.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my boobs look good
in this one.

Yeah, your boobs look good,
your life is perfect,

and I'm going
to die alone.

Oh, Alan, I'm so sorry.

What can I do to help?

Talk to Lyndsey,
tell her nothing happened.

She won't listen to me.

- Of course.
- Thank you.

It's her voice mail.

She sounds very pretty.

Just leave a message.

Oh, hi, Lyndsey.

It's Kandi, Alan's ex-wife
and TV's Jane Risotto.

I'm here with Alan
in my hotel room and...

- No.
- What?

Got it.

Sorry, wrong number.

So, basically,
the search results

are processed through
the neural back end,

which allows us
to serve ads

that are based on trends that
are personalized for the user.

Halfway through that,
your head turned into a taco.

How cool is that?
A talking taco.

Talking taco, talking taco,

talking taco.

Oh, geez, I am really high.

There must have been a cat
tranquilizer in that cupcake.

Woof.

I got to tell you, Walden,
I never thought

that I could work
for anybody but Charlie,

but

you're a good guy.

That means a lot.

And if truth be told,

I don't even mind seeing Zippy
every day.

Whoa!

I must be higher
than I thought.

You know...

when I met you,
I was at a real low point,

but you and Alan

took care of me.

I got to say,
other than my mother,

you're the closest thing
I have to a family.

I love you, Berta.

You're a sentimental
little taco, aren't you?

Hi, we need to talk.

Go ahead.

I know you're really upset,
but I promise,

nothing happened
between me and Alan.

I saw the pictures.

Pictures lie.

So do boyfriends.

But not Alan.

Did you really try
to seduce him?

I did, but he turned me down.

Wow.

I was as surprised as you are.

What about all that stuff
about you enjoying sex

with Alan more than
with Derek Jeter?

Oh, honey, you know
better than that.

Hola, Berta.

Feliz birthday-o.

Stop, you're
freaking me out.

Okay, all right,
I'm gonna call a cab.

I'm too stoned
to drive.

I may be too stoned
to call a cab.

What about your car?

Oh, you know, just drive it
to my house tomorrow.

I don't know how to
drive that thing.

Oh, come on, it's easy,
I'll show you.

Here.

Help me out here.

Where is your door?

Happy birthday.

Sweet Georgia Brown,

you'd better not be
screwing with me.

Nope, you always said
it was your dream car.

Well, today
your dreams come true.

Oh!

Come here, you big
old talking taco.

Oh.

Oh, oh, there's
one condition.

Okay, you want
to do it in the house

or on the hood of the car?

No.

Hey, Alan can never
find out about this.

Alan can never find
out about this.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that is great, honey.

Well, I-I will
talk to you later.

Okay, okay,
bye-bye.

Wow, Lyndsey's
in a better mood.

It's like her head is in
a whole different place.

Uh, uh, it's on.

If you're not one
of the suspects...

You're one of the Stiffs.

God, she's hot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go
check the stock market.

Guess what Walden bought me
for my birthday.

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