Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 5 - That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam - full transcript

Previously
on Two and a Half Men...

Zoey, will you do me
the honor of becoming

Zoey Hyde
Tottingham-Pierce-Schmidt?

No. I'm sorry.
I can't do it.

I need an answer.

There's someone else.

I like that red dress
on you.

I feel like a bull.

I want to charge.

Speaking of charging, did you
bring your wallet this time?

The last two times
were honest mistakes.



And I fully intend
to pay you back.

Oh, that's just great, Justin.

If your mom says it's bath time,

by all means take a bath.

Meanwhile the free world

is falling into the hands
of cyber-terrorists.

You okay?

Yeah.

My sniper's got to get ready

for Sixth Grade
Picture Day tomorrow.

Oh, you guys look nice.

Oh, thanks.
We're going out to dinner.

Want to join us?

No, I got a burrito
in the microwave.



Okay, enjoy.

Oh, you did take
the foil off of the, uh...

I'll get my coat.

Isn't that your wallet?

Oh, uh,

yes, that's, uh, uh,

I-I-I-I put it there
so I wouldn't forget it.

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I'm really glad
we did this.

I've been playing
with kids I met

on the Internet
for too long.

Now that I say that out loud,
I'm really glad we did this.

Mm!

I'll get this.

I'll get it.

Oh, okay, I guess
I'm really gonna get this.

Thanks, Al.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Are you crying?

What? No, no.

I have, uh, I have allergies.

It's probably the dust
from opening his wallet.

Damn it.

What?

It's Zoey

and her new boyfriend.

I am so sorry.

This is tough
after what she did to you.

Come on,
let's just get this over with.

He didn't deserve it.

He gave her everything.

He actually
has things to give.

Hi, Zoey.

Walden, Hi.

- Lyndsey.
- Hi.

- Alan.
- Pfft!

Um, this is my friend, Peter.

Peter.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Cheers, mate.

"Cheers, mate.
We hosted the Olympics."

This is a bit awkward.

Why is this awkward?

Oh, yes, that's right,
I remember.

Because you ruined
my best friend's life.

I'm-I'm sorry.
Nice to meet you.

What you did to him was
wanton and reprehensible.

- All right, keep moving.
- Jezebel!

If it makes you feel any better,

he didn't like you before.

How you doing?
You okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I mean,
my heart's racing but, you know...

I was talking to Walden.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, I thought seeing her
with somebody else

would be the end of the world, but

I'm really okay with it.

You're a better man than I am.

We all know that, Alan.

Yeah, I guess what I'm saying is

it wasn't as bad
as I thought it would be.

I mean, clearly Alan has
some unresolved issues,

but I think I'm ready
to move on.

I can definitely help you there.

Uh, where you going
with this, sweetie?

I have a ton of friends who
would die to go out with you.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

That's true.

She has some of the hottest
friends you can imagine.

Uh, that you can imagine,

not that I would.

I mean, why would I?

You're the hottest of
them all, you know?

So what's your type?

I don't know if I have a type.
I mean, I like brunettes,

but well, I married a redhead

and I've dated some blondes.

So I guess what I'm saying is
I'm pro-hair.

Well, in the upper deck not
necessarily around the dugout.

Ah, interesting.

If you're gonna go with
a baseball reference,

I would've gone
with "on the mound." Um...

They all have hair
in the appropriate places.

What else?

I don't know.
I like a girl who's smart,

I like a girl who's funny,

I like a girl who's not gonna
leave me for another guy.

Oh, oh, and no one who wears

those big furry boots
with shorts or mini-skirts.

You're either hot or you're cold.
Take a stand, ladies.

I'll take care of it.

So, Walden,
as I told you,

Jennifer is
my Pilates instructor.

Yeah, Pilates.

Well, you're certainly whipping
Lyndsey into shape.

Not that you need it.

Not that I was looking.

Not that you're listening.

Oh, can I take a picture of you?

Okay.

Uploading photo to wall.

"Check out my hot date."

Smiley face.

LOL, right?

So, Pilates,

that's all about strengthening
the core, right?

Hm?

OMG. Cat in a bow tie riding
a skateboard.

Retweeting.

Guy in a bow tie right here.

Oh, good news, one person
already likes our date.

Unfriend.

So what looks good to you?

Actually, I'm
not going to eat.

Nothing?

No, I'm doing a
master cleanse.

So I haven't eaten
solid food in two weeks.

Dawn, you might have
mentioned that

when I told you
we were all going out to dinner.

No, it's no problem;
you guys eat.

This stuff just
flushes you right out.

Well, I guess it's worth it

if it rids the body of all
those toxins and impurities.

Right, and the stuff
that comes out of you.

I swear I found a Barbie head

that I swallowed
in the fifth grade.

Good thing you didn't swallow
her Malibu beach house.

Ouch.

Well, whatever you're doing,
it's working.

- You look great.
- Thank you.

I also inject myself

with the urine
of pregnant women.

Yeah, I don't think
I'm gonna eat either.

It's got a hormone in it
that helps you lose weight.

Which is ironic because pregnant
women pack on the pounds.

I will never be fat.

Or married.

I can't believe you created
and sold your own company.

You must be incredibly smart.

I don't know, I think it's
more luck and timing.

I think it takes a little bit
more than luck and timing

to make $1.4 billion.

Somebody did their research.

I'll bet women
are after you all the time.

I mean, you could look like him
and they'd still be after you.

You know what these women
are thinking, don't you?

"I mean, is this guy gonna ask
for a pre-nup?"

'Cause theoretically,
your alimony payments would run 75,

$100,000 a month at least.

And that's
without child support.

You're good at math.

You know, I never thought
I wanted kids,

but with the right person,

I could see myself having
an entire litter.

And I could see myself
having a vasectomy.

When she's on her meds,
she's actually lots of fun.

I am.

Hey.

Hey.

Just got off the phone
with Lyndsey.

She's got another friend.
She says this one's perfect.

No, no more women, Alan.

Wait, they were all women,
right?

In the eyes of the law, yes.

The Olympics, eh.

Look, I know some
of the dates didn't work out.

Didn't work out?

One of them
used her roast chicken

to show me where
she was probed by aliens.

Uh, but you have to admit

the chicken
was out of this world.

You do know Lyndsey and I
are just trying to help.

Yeah, I do, and I appreciate it.
But I think I was wrong.

I just don't think I'm ready
to date right now.

So you're giving up?

No, I'm not giving up.
I just..

I want to change
my pattern, you know?

My whole life I've jumped
from one woman to the next.

I thought that was just
because every time you jumped,

another woman slid in under you.

Well, there's that.

But let's face it, Alan,

I went straight
from my mother's house

to being married to Bridget;

from Bridget to dating Zoey,

and now I'm trying
to go from Zoey

to a bunch of starving, crying,
gold-digging, crazy-ass bitches.

Hey, if it weren't
for those women,

I'd still be a virgin.

And there'd be
no reality TV stars.

Look, I'm just gonna
be alone for a while.

And if the real thing
comes along, I'll know it.

Hm, that's true.

You know, I can still remember
the exact instant

that I knew Lyndsey
was the one.

How'd you know?

Uh, she said, "I give up.

You're the one."

Hey, Walden.

Hey.

You here by yourself?

Yes, I'm alone.

and I plan to stay that way.

Oh, well,
if you change your mind,

there's a bachelorette party
in the corner with a couple of

drunk and bitter
bridesmaids.

Fish in a barrel.

That's good to know,
but not tonight.

All right.
What can I get you?

I'll have a beer.

Coming up.

Excuse me.

Can I have your nuts?

What?

Your nuts.

Thank you.

- I'm Rose.
- Hi, Rose. I'm...

Walden, I know.

I heard the bartender
say "Hey, Walden."

I mean, how else would
I know your name?

It's nice to meet you, Rose.

You too, Walden.

I prefer real books.

- Some people do.
- You know why I do?

Because if you use this
to fix a wobbly table

it costs you $800?

No, you can't hide
a gun in an iPad.

No, I guess you can't.

Sorry.
I'll leave you alone.

Thanks.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Nut. I can't breathe.

Okay, don't panic.

Oh.

Thank you.
You saved my life.

Can we get a glass of water
over here?

And I'll have a martini.

All right, I'm getting
ready to leave.

Do you need anything
before I go?

Mm, actually,
if you don't mind...

Just making small talk, Zippy.

Hey.

Hey, how was your night?

Great.

In fact, I met a girl.

Of course you did.

I hate you, but I hate me more.

This girl's
really interesting.

Actually, I think you know her.
Her name is Rose.

See ya.

Wa-- Rose?

Crazy Rose?

She's not crazy.

And you know what?
Name-calling is cruel.

How would you like it if
somebody called you Old Alan,

or Cheap Alan, or Loser Alan?

Somebody does!

Did Rose tell you
she was stalking my brother?

Actually,
she told me everything.

You know, she was in love
with him, and I get it,

When you're in love with someone,
love makes you do crazy things.

No, crazy makes you
do crazy things.

We all have skeletons
in our closets.

Uh, yes, but in her case,
they may be actual skeletons.

You know what? She told me
you were gonna do this.

Of course she did.

She's devious and deceptive.

She's probably listening
to us right now.

Hey, Rose!
How you doing?

Alan, calm down.

I had a conversation
with the woman.

I'm not marrying her.

I don't even know
if I'll ever see her again.

Oh, you will, trust me.

Her face will be
the last thing you see

before you black out
from the chloroform.

Rose?

Oh, Walden, Hi.

Hi.

Wait a minute.
You're not stalking me, are you?

Good one. No, I stop here every day
on my way to work.

It's kind of a ritual.

Really?

There is no way
I would ever have known that.

Do you mind if I join you?

Please.
How can I say no to the man

who saved me
from choking on his nuts?

I told Alan that we met.
Boy, did you call that one.

Oh, let me guess.

At some point did he say,

"She's probably listening
to us right now.

"Hey, Rose!
How you doing?"

It's like you were there.

But I wasn't.

Well, he is very
suspicious of you.

He thinks you have
some kind of plan.

Are you suspicious of me?

I'm more curious
than suspicious.

Good, because that's my plan.

Does your plan include
having dinner with me?

Oh, gee,

I don't know about that.
Why not?

You live in Charlie's old house,

there's Alan...
lots of baggage.

None of that stuff
has anything to do with us.

That's true.

So, what do you say? Dinner?

Okay.

To dinner.

It'll be nice to go out

with someone normal
for a change.

Hello, Alan.

Rose.

You've got a lot of nerve
coming to this house.

As much nerve as you have
still living in it?

Touché.

Wow, This place looks fantastic.

Don't act like
you haven't seen it before.

I know what you're up to.

Oh, really? What am I up to?

All right, I don't know
specifically what you're up to.

But Walden is my best friend,
and I will not let you hurt him.

And he's very lucky
to have a friend like you,

given what he's been through.

Which you know because
you've been spying on us.

J'accuse!

No.

I know because he told me.

He's very fond of you, Alan.

You finally made a friend;
don't screw it up.

Oh, you're good.

I'm totally confused right now.

Ah, there she is.

Hi, Walden.

Are you two playing nice?

Well, I am.
I don't know what she's up to,

but I know it ends with
the audience yelling,

"Don't go in the cellar!"

You're funny.

He thinks I've hatched
some nefarious plot.

Are you after my money?

No, you're
thinking of Alan.

Are you planning on cloning me

and running my
doppelganger for president,

so you can be the puppet
master of the nation?

Guilty.

Better get a sample
right now.

I get it-- hair, DNA,
the whole...

Just stop worrying.

Don't you have somewhere
you need to be?

Well, as a matter of fact,
Lyndsey and I are going to the movies.

- Have a good time.
- Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Watch yourself, buddy.

- He means well.
- I know.

Can I pour you a
glass of wine?

- Yeah, that'd be great.
- All right.

Aha!

Actually, I just forgot my keys.

And your wallet.

I shouldn't have eaten
that whole tub of popcorn.

I'm gonna be
gassy all night.

You know it's gonna take more
than a bloated belly

to put a muzzle on Mr. Pokey.

What was that?

I don't know, but I've got
a bad feeling about this.

I've got a bad feeling
about this.

Walden?

What?

I'm coming in.

Don't worry, buddy.

I told you she was nuts.

Get out of here!

- What?
- Get out of here.

I'm having the best sex
of my life.

Oh, hi, Alan.

How was the movie?

It was... Wait, is
that a leaf blower?

That's not what they call it
in Amsterdam.

Oh.

Hi, Jake.

Rose?!
What are you doing there?

I'm dating Walden.

I should've seen that coming.

How's the army treating you?

How'd you know I was
in the army?

'Cause I've been spying
on you guys.

What?!

I'm just kidding.
You're wearing a uniform, silly.

Oh, yeah, right.

And don't worry
about the obstacle course.

You'll get it.

Yeah, the rope climb is...
Hey, wait a second, how did you...?

Got to go, Jake.
I'll tell your dad you called.

How did I know
he was in the army? So cute.

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