Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 4 - You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For - full transcript

Walden is conflicted when a friend's hot daughter comes to visit, but the problem solves itself when Jake arrives for a surprise visit.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Everything okay?
- Yeah.

I just can't remember
what I came down here for.


That happens to me all the time.

I... I can't remember a specific example,
but yeah.

Yeah, that's annoying.
Maybe you were hungry.

- Did you come to get something to eat?
- No, I just ate.

- Were you gonna watch TV?
- No, I have a TV in my room.

This is very disconcerting.

Don't panic. We'll figure this out. Did you
come down to give me the money you owe me?


It was worth a shot.

No, I was upstairs and I thought to myself,
"I need to come downstairs and..."

You know what might help?

A little less, "Whoa, dude,
where's my car?"

No, it's not the pot.
I've been smoking pot since...

It's... It's not the pot.

God, what did I come down here for?

- Walden!
- Hey!

I remember now. We have a houseguest.

Thank you so much
for sending that car for me.

I felt like a big old movie star
at the airport.

The driver held a sign with my name,
carried my bags...

...and even gave me a bottle of water
from Fiji.

- It probably wasn't from...
- Would you look at this house?

I mean, right here on the ocean.

This is like something you would see in
a magazine, except there'd be famous people.

- It is so nice to see you.
- Well, it is nice to see you too.

- Let me... Missi, let me introduce my friend...
- Hi, I'm Missi.

Everyone thinks it's short for Melissa,
but it's for Mississippi. The river.

I was conceived on the deck
of a gambling boat...

...when my daddy won $5000 jackpot
on the Caribbean poker.

- Wow, that's...
- Been to the Caribbean?

I went there three years ago
for spring break and got stung by a jellyfish.

My friend had to pee on my leg.


- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

Could you direct me to the girls' room?

I mean, unless one of y'all
have recently been stung by a jellyfish.

- It's right here.
- Thank you.

Wow. She's a pistol.

More like an AK-47.

So, what's the...? What's the story here?

You and her?

No, she's my old friend Jerry's daughter.
She's thinking about moving here.

I told him she could stay here a couple days
and I'd show her around.

Hm. She's very pretty.


How old do you think she is?

- Like 18 or 19.
- Oh, perfect.

You might lose a friend,
but you won't go to jail.

Ow! Hey, hey, hey.
Don't hit me because you can't hit that.


Oh, my God.
The weather here is amazing.

I could just lay out in the sun
all day just like a big old lizard.

Back home, I get a spray tan, but it comes
out orange, which is fine during Halloween.

- I can say I'm going as a pumpkin.
- Oh, that's...

I love Halloween. Last year,
I went to this party as a slutty nurse.

The year before that, I was a slutty cat,
and before that, I was a ladybug.

- A slutty ladybug?
- What? No.

Why would I be a slutty ladybug?

- Oh. I just...
- So...

- What's the deal with this Alan guy?
- Oh, we...

Y'all gay for each other?
I mean, it's totally fine if you are.

I have a gay friend. Name is Russell.
Got him to make out with me. It didn't take.

No, we... We are not gay.

We are definitely not gay.


So your dad tells me you're thinking
about relocating.

Well, to be honest,
I'm not sure what I wanna do.

I could keep working
as a dental assistant.

That person that sucks the spit out
of your mouth?

- Yes.
- And gives you a toothbrush and a lollipop?

You do know what the lollipop's for, right?

- Well, I'm assuming...
- Repeat business.

If it were up to me, I'd just give them
caramel apple or a little taffy.

Pull their teeth right out of their heads.
That's how you make money off children.

Well, that and baby beauty pageants.


- So, I mean, there's a lot...
- Do you have a girlfriend?

No, I do not.
I just went through a breakup.

Oh, you poor baby. I am so sorry.

Could you put some suntan lotion
on my back?

Uh, sure.

Well, don't forget to rub-a-dub-dub.

- Rub-a-dub-dub?
- Yeah, you gotta rub it in.

Oh. Yeah, okay.

- Be offended if I popped the girls out?
- What?

You know, get a little color
on Kim and Khloé?

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

- Where you going?
- I just need to do this thing...

...that I need to do.

Heh. Okay. You take care.

I had an electric car too when I was little.
You know, one of those Barbie Jeeps?


But this one time, I left it out in the rain,
so the battery died.

So my dad had to drill two little holes
so I could stick my feet through...

- ...and pedal it just like Fred Flintstone.

- Hey.
- Hey. Where have you guys been?

- Uh, we...
- Walden took me to Santa Monica Pier.

I actually got one of those churros.
It's like a doughnut, but long and Mexican?

Oh, hey, I'm Missi.
Are you Alan's girlfriend?

- Hell, no!
- No!

- No, Berta is my housekeeper.
- Oh, cool. When I was in high school...

...I used to clean rooms at the Howard
Johnson Hotel. People are disgusting.

I walked into a bathroom one time,
and it looked like a cow had exploded.

Excuse me,
that churro's heading back to the border.

That, my friends, is what you get...

...when hillbillies have unprotected sex
with hummingbirds.

No, no trouble at all, Jerry.

She's a great kid. Takes after her old man.




Uh, hey, Jerry, I'm getting another call. I got...


You know, I love you dearly, Jerry,
but you gotta shut up.

Okay, I'll talk to you, buddy.


- Hi.
- Hey, I just got off the phone with your dad.

- He was just calling...
- That man can talk.

I swear, he doesn't even pause
to take a breath. Do you have a sec?


Okay, yeah, have a seat.

Wow. This is a nice bed.

I bet you could do some serious drilling
on a workbench like this, huh?

Yeah. You said you wanted
to talk to me about something?

Do you remember the last time
that we saw each other?

- Dinner?
- No, silly.

I'm talking about
when I was 8 years old...

...and you came to visit
and we went to the state fair.

- Okay, I remember that.
- You had to take me and my mom...

...because my dad was working?
We ate cotton candy.

Then you won me that little stuffed pig
in the squirt-gun horse race?

I used to practice my kissing on him.

Lucky pig.

I wore out all the terry cloth on his snout.

It was okay. By that time,
I'd changed over to real boys...

...which, turns out,
a couple of them were pigs too.

Yeah, pigs.

Do you want a robe or a blanket
or a suit of armor?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm fine.

Remember I wanted to go on the tilt-a-whirl,
but my mom was scared?

You said you'd sit next to her. I wanted you
next to me. So you sat in between us.

You were the one that got scared
and started praying:

"Oh, Lord, please get me off this ride!"
I think you even tinkled a little bit.

Wow, that's a good memory.

I remember because it was one
of the best days ever.


Are you lonely?

You know, I got Alan.

Yeah, but Alan doesn't keep you warm
at night.

You'd be surprised.

Listen, um...

I have this idea.

You know, you might think
that it's kind of crazy.

- Okay.
- I was just thinking, you know...

...since you're single and you're super hot
and a really nice guy.


That, you know, maybe you'd like
to hook up with my mom.

- What?
- She's been all alone...

...since my daddy ran off
with that lady from the dry cleaners.

The one with that weird eye
that won't quite open.

Probably from all them fumes.
We should've seen it coming.

She gave him all the clothes that nobody
claimed. He had, like, four tuxedos.

Wait, wait. You wanna set me up
with your mom?

She always had a thing for you.
She would kill me if I told you.

- Okay, Missi, I don't think that's a good i...
- Just think about it, okay?

- Okay.
- Great.

Oh, and if it helps at all,
she just got her boobs done.

They used mine as a model. The doctor
put them in his catalog. Number 244.

Anyone can get them.
But it's kind of weird.

When I walk around town,
I keep thinking I see my boobs.

Good night.

Her mom?

When did I become the guy
that the hot 19-year-old looks at and goes:

"Hey, you'd be great for my mom"?

Count your blessings.
One of my patients tried to set me up...

...- with her 70-year-old grandmother.
- - No.

Yeah, yeah. We dated for three months,
and then... day, I showed up
and she couldn't remember who I was.

So we dated another two months.

And every day was new again until finally
I got tired of introducing myself.

Oh. But then, six months later, she sent me
a $10 check on my birthday.



- Hey, man.
- What are you doing here?

I got a weekend pass,
so I took a train to surprise you.

Hi, soldier.

- Hello.
- You must be Jake.

I'm sleeping in your room.

God bless America.

It is so nice to meet you. I'm Missi.

Short for Mississippi, not Melissa.
She got stung by a jellyfish and peed on.

Thank you.

Are you one of those Navy SEAL guys?
They are so awesome.

- No, I'm just a cook.
- Well, that's cool too.

Without food, everybody dies.

- That's...
- One time, I found this bird that fell... my backyard,
and he was almost dead.

I started feeding him with
this eyedropper of milk.

"Eat little bird, eat little bird."
And eat he did.

I was chewing up crackers
and spitting them in his mouth.

When he had enough strength to fly,
I opened up that box and set him free.

- No kidding...
- It was one of the most beautiful things.

But he got about 10 feet up in the air...

...before my cat launched himself
off that table and caught him.

He didn't have to chew.
One gulp and that bird was gone.

But I didn't have
to feed Mr. Mittens that day.

So I know how important food is.

- Thanks. If you're hungry, I could...
- I would love something to eat.

Oh. Okay.

All right, well, welcome back.

Good catching up.

That was like being there
the first time Beavis met Butt-Head.

Wait till Beavis sees Butt-Head in a bikini.

Do you remember falling
that hard and fast for a girl?

I remember the fast part.

Kind of a relief those days are behind us,

Behind you.

These are my days.

- Oh, no, I wasn't saying that...
- No, I am young, Alan.

- I am young.
- Fine, fine, you're young.

Where you going?

I don't remember.

Mmm. Kid makes good chili.

Glad you like it.
We have enough for a month.


The recipe was for a platoon
and math is not his strong suit.

Where'd he take:

"This place is beautiful.
Does that ocean go to Hawaii? I love Hawaii.

You know aloha means hello
and goodbye?"

They went for a walk on the beach.

"Which has more grains
of sand than there are stars in the Milky Way.

Speaking of which, do you like Snickers
or Milky Way? I like 3 Musketeers.

Even though I don't know
what nougat is."

- Hey, what you doing?
- Missi and I are hanging out.

Am I gonna see you at all while you're home?

Yeah, sure.

You're never gonna see him.

Missi told me she's trying
to set you up with her mom.

How cool would that be?

If you married her mom
and I married Missi, you'd be my stepdad.

Yeah, really cool.

All right, see you later, Dad.

And Dad.

You know, if they have kids,
we'd be their grandpappies. Ow!

Well, to make a long story short,
I ate all the wafers.

Which is why you should never smoke pot
before church.

- That's funny. This one time, me and my...
- Do you want to hear a joke?

- Sure.
- What do gay horses eat?

- What?
- Hay!

Can I ask you something?

Do you think I talk too much?

No, I love listening to you talk.
I mean, it's funny, normally...

You are just so sweet.
I swear, I could just eat you up.

But then I'd get a sugar rush,
because you are just so sweet.

And if you think I talk a lot now,
you should really hear me after I...

Well, I am definitely gonna shut up now,
because you're a really good kisser...

Look at you making breakfast.

That's what the Army trains you to do
when you keep dropping a loaded gun.

- Here, have a cup of coffee.
- Oh, thank you.

- You wanna hear a joke?
- Sure.

What do gay horses eat?


So when do you leave for the base?

Oh. My train leaves at 4.

- I'll give you a ride to the station.
- Thanks.

You kidding? It's the only time
I'm gonna spend with you.

So how was sleeping on that couch
last night?

Oh. You know, it was a little lumpy...

...but better than sleeping
with 60 guys coughing, farting...

...getting all romantic with themselves.

- Missi still sleeping?
- No, she's in the shower.


No, it's fine. She seems like a nice girl.

You have no idea.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna take her some breakfast.

As you can imagine,
we worked up quite the appetite.


And when I say, "Worked up an appetite,"
you understand...

I got it, I got it.

I really loved hanging out with you
this weekend.


Uh, yeah. So listen,
I get another pass in, like, a month.

- So maybe we can see each other then.
- Maybe.

Are you feeling all right?
You're awful quiet.

Well, here's the thing, Jake.

Hang on, Dad, there's a thing.

What's the thing?

I sort of have a boyfriend.

- A boyfriend?
- Well, technically, we broke up.

I was tired of him
putting his career ahead of me.

He's a doctor.
Well, not a real doctor, a glass doctor.

If you get a crack in your windshield,
he will come and fix it... less than half an hour guaranteed.
- So...

He sent me this e-mail this morning
saying that he wants to try things again.

But now I really like you.

It's just that Zach and I have been together
for, like, six months.

And we even went to a wedding together.
I can't just throw that away.

But I thought you...

Goodbye, Jake.

Don't be a hero.

What the hell just happened?

You and Missi make plans
to see each other again?


- Why? I thought you two were...
- I thought so too.


- If it helps...
- It doesn't.


- I remember my first...
- Dad.


- Does it get any easier?
- Oh, God, no.

But the human mind is a wonderful thing.

It forgets pain, so you can go out
and get some more.

She has a boyfriend back home. A doctor.

How am I supposed to compete with that?

Let me ask you something, Jake.

Knowing what you know now,
and feeling how you feel now...

...would you have done anything


I just would have done it
a few more times.

There you go.

That's what love's all about.

Hey. So I just got off the phone
with my mom.

- Oh, yeah?
- She's really looking forward... hearing from you.

Gee, I don't know, Missi.

I'm... I'm not sure it's a good idea.

I mean, I know your mom and dad
aren't together anymore...

...but your dad's an old friend and...
- Here's a recent picture of her.

- Then again, I haven't seen him in years.
- Great. I'll go tell her that you're gonna call.

- Okay. Oh, hey, wait. Wait a second. I...
- Yeah?

I'm flattered that you think I'd be good
for your mom.

But I was just curious.

At any point in time,
did you think that maybe you and me?


A simple no would suffice.