Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 3 - Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt - full transcript

Are you happy?

I was before you ate
that last garlic knot.

Oh, I'm serious. I mean, don't
you think our relationship

- has become a little bit predictable?
- Predictable? Yes.

Why do you ask?

Well, I was thinking that maybe
we could spice things up a little.

What'd you have in mind?

Well, um...

I have been reading
Fifty Shades of Grey.

And I have some silk scarves and,

uh, some duct tape.



Do you see this taking place in a
bedroom or the back of a panel van?

I don't know. I'm only
halfway through the book.

Forget the book.

What about you? Do
you have any fantasies?

Ugh, of course I do.

If lived only my regular
life, I'd eat a rifle.

Tell me one.

Well, I... guess I always wanted to...

take some naughty pictures of you.

- We could do that.
- Really?

Yeah, why not? There's
already a lot available online.

What else?

Oh, well, I-I-I guess it's
a-a cliche for a guy, but,

I've always wanted
to have a-a threesome.



Okay.

Now, I know it's silly. I know.

No, I mean, okay, we can do it.

If you are messing with me, there
is no way I will ever forgive you!

I'm not messing with you.

Seriously, we can have a threesome?

- Come on, you'd do the same for me.
- Of course I would.

Good, 'cause I have a fantasy of my own.

Oh, hmm, lay it on me, baby.

I want to have a threesome also.

See? See?

This is why communication is
so important in a relationship.

I mean, two minutes ago I
didn't care if you lived or died.

Now I love you more than any
man has ever loved a woman.

You complete me,

but add another chick
and I'll complete myself.

Great!

So what's your pleasure,
treasure? Blonde? Brunette?

Someone with a little junk in the trunk?

No, no.

In my threesome, there's
you, me, and another guy.

- An-Another
guy? - Yep.

Boy, I don't know.

I mean, I-I never thought about
it, you know, that-that way.

Four balls, two bats and one mitt.

Could be fun.

Yeah, yeah, but, uh, who
would the other guy even be?

Hey.

Oh, crap.

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S10Ep03

So, you want to have a
threesome with me and Walden?

You have your fantasy; I have mine.

Yeah, but mine's a traditional,
wholesome three-way.

You, me and an anonymous drunken
slut, the way God intended.

Walden is a friend. Plus,
we see him all the time.

- So?
- So it'll be awkward.

Not for me.

I-I just don't think it's a good time.

I mean, he just broke up with Zoey,

and he's feeling very
vulnerable right now.

I think this would help.

You know, he needs to
get back on the horse,

and in this case, neigh!

Do we have a deal?

All right, after we have mine,
we will approach Walden...

- No, no, no, no. I go first.
- Why?

Speaking from experience, once
you get yours, I'll never get mine.

I am offended...

that you would insinuate that
I would break a sacred trust.

I love you, Lyndsey, and
if you can't believe in me,

then-then we have bigger
problems in our relationship

than whose dirty, nasty
hump-fest we have first.

Take it or leave it.

Take it.

Oh, I plan to.

Gorgeous day, isn't it?

Wonder what the poor people are doing.

One of them is asking me what
the poor people are doing.

Rich, good-looking, and funny.

God certainly gave with three hands.

Hey, speaking of three hands,

there's, uh, something
I-I need to ask you.

Sure.

Oh, boy, where do I start?

Okay, here's the deal.

things with Lyndsey and me
have gotten a little stale,

sexually speaking.
Everything is by the numbers.

I get it. You're skipping
right from 68 to 70.

Exactly, exactly.

anyhoo, uh...

- we've come up with a solution.
- What's that?

We're going to have a, uh, a threesome.

Really?

- What? She agreed to that?
- Yep.

Dude, way to go!

Yeah, yeah, it's great.

Um, the thing is,

Lyndsey wants to have a sausage
fest before the clambake.

- That's clever.
- Yeah.

Yeah, she-she has this crazy idea that

before I have my threesome, she
wants to have one of her own.

what, hold on, w... she wants
to have a threesome without you?

Oh, no, no, I'm gonna be there,

but with... another guy.

Yeah, and the-the
really crazy part is...

that she wants the other guy,

uh, to be, um, you.

Okay.

Yeah, now, I-I-I told her
that there was no way...

Oh, no, no, no, I'm in.

Wh-What? What? You're in?

Yeah, sure. It sounds like fun.

You know, now that Zoey
and I aren't together,

I don't see any reason why I
shouldn't be doing my own thing.

And Lyndsey's own thing.

Probably not your own thing.

- Well, a-are you
sure? - Why not?

Time to shake things up, get
out of my comfort zone, you know?

Maybe slip into your comfort zone.

Get it?

I got it.

Well, I guess... I guess
I should let Lyndsey know.

she'll be thrilled.

As am I.

Hey, wait. Do y...

- you want to do this, right?
- Oh, oh, absolutely.

Uh, you know, I'm-I'm very
open-minded, uh, about sexual matters.

After all, I-I did grow up
during the sexual revolution.

Well, technically, a-a few years after,

but there were still condoms and
diaphragms layin' all over the place.

Oh, and, uh, just a heads-up,

exit only.

Nope, not even a thumb.

I am so happy you said yes.

I am honored you asked.

Aren't you adorable?

Not as adorable as you.

Yeah, yeah, we're all adorable.

Let's... W-W-We need to
establish some ground rules.

Sure, like what?

Uh, well, uh, for instance,
there are a few things

that I happen to know Lyndsey
is not exactly fond of doing.

No, I'm good.

R-Really? You're good?

With everything?

Even the Philadelphia Dump Truck?

Back it up.

Anything else?

Uh, well, I guess this
goes without saying,

but, uh, you know, we're
not making Band-Aids here,

so Johnson should never meet Johnson,

True.

Two dongs don't make a right.

Oh, oh, and speaking of,

if you have any desire to
stick your tongue in my mouth,

just stick your tongue in her mouth,

and then she'll stick
her tongue in my mouth,

and we'll consider the circle complete.

Fine.

It's your loss.

I would like to propose a toast.

Friends may come and friends may go,

friends may peter out, you know.

But here's to us,
through thick and thin,

peter out and peter in.

Hear, hear.

Cheers.

So, what do you say?

Let's get these balls rollin'.

This is okay, what we're doing, right?

W-We're all consenting adults.

Oh. Oh, yeah, sure. Sure.

I mean, you know, if one
of us was mentally impaired,

then the-the consent might be suspect.

True. I mean, i-if you were
required to wear a helmet

or... have a service dog...

that might be construed
as taking advantage.

Yeah, yeah, but everybody here knows
what they're getting into, so...

Yeah, no one's taking their
pants off for a candy bar.

Or absolution.

so, listen,

don't feel obligated to bring
your "A" game today, okay?

My "A" game?

Yeah, I mean, what I'm saying is

you're younger than I am; you're
prettier than I am; there's more...

there's more... of you
than there is of me.

What do you want me to do?

Well, I'm just saying, we're
playing on a public course here.

Spot me a couple of strokes.

You just be the maypole and let
her run around with the ribbons.

No, no, that is not my style.

I'm very aggressive.

I'm in it to win it.

What do you think, boys?

I am definitely gonna win it.

Oh, yeah, well, we'll see about that.

Uh, you do look beautiful, darling.

Yeah, thanks.

This is probably bad to say,

but Zoey had an outfit like that
she used to wear all the time.

Well, not all the time.

Just when we were having sex.

Which was pretty much all the time.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Oh, I guess we're starting, okay, uh,

You know, I-I, um, I
not only loved Zoey.

I also loved her daughter.

That is beautiful.

I kinda thought we were gonna be family.

We're your family now.

I'm starting to feel a little
like a very distant cousin.

I miss her so much.

I'd have given odds that
I'd be the one crying.

Walden, you doing okay in there?

I'm okay. I just need a second.

Maybe this just isn't meant to be.

Why not?

- The man is clearly
upset. - Oh, boo-hoo.

I'm really sorry.

Hey, no need to apologize.

In fact, if it would help, you can
close your eyes and pretend I'm Zoey.

- Really?
- Of course.

Um, should I pretend
you're somebody else?

Do whatever you want.

That's a good idea.
Let's-let's try that.

- Attaboy.
- Okay.

Oh, Zoey.

Oh, Walden,

give me a good shagging, won't you?

I can't.

I can't do this!

"Give us a good shagging, won't you? "

What? That's a thing.

Doesn't matter. Let's just make sure
we don't get a crybaby for my threesome.

Your threesome? We
haven't even had mine yet.

Uh, I beg to differ.

I held up my part of the bargain.

If I serve pie and nobody's
hungry, it still counts as dessert.

I suppose.

Now what?

Well, not that you care,

but I did take a lethal dose of
boner pills before we started.

Is that so?

I'm either going to
have sex or a stroke.

Your call.

- Come on. Let's go to your bedroom.
- Really?

I'd rather take care of you for the
next 20 minutes than the next 20 years.

That's the spirit.

It's a beautiful day.

Why don't you go down to the beach
and find some kids to play with?

I don't wanna.

Okay, why don't you go ride your bike?

I don't feel like it.

Well, you can't sit in the house
all day, staring at that computer.

I made a billion dollars doing this.

Carry on.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Great to see you.

What's up?

Well, I got a most interesting
phone call this morning.

From Lyndsey.

Alan's Lyndsey? The-the one
with the drinking problem?

The very same.

What she ha... What did she want?

Well, she wanted to tell me,

in no particular order,
that you're a great guy,

that you're still very
much in love with me

and that I'm a complete idiot
for breaking up with you.

I am. I am. You are.

You didn't put her up
to that call, did you?

No, not at all.

I do miss you.

It's been very hard for me too.

I was kinda hoping that you'd say that.

So, do you think that...

You, sir, can make out with my
girlfriend any time you want.

You got her so worked up,
she humped my brains out.

So, where were we? I
miss you, you miss me, ah.

What did I do?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh,
boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

This is just like Christmas morning.

But instead of celebrating
the birth of our Lord,

little Alan's gonna get some strange.

I know you're excited,

but the first step is
selecting the right girl.

Hey, what about that blonde over there?

Eh, I guess.

What's wrong with her?

Well, her outfit's a little
matchy-matchy, isn't it?

The outfit's going to be
on the floor of the bedroom.

Well, still, it says something
about her lack of imagination.

Fine.

Hey, how 'bout the redhead?

Ooh, redheads. They do dirty things.

- So, should we approach her?
- No, no, hang on. Hang on.

She's got a tramp stamp.

So?

It's a little skanky, isn't it?

We're trying to invite
her to a threesome.

Skanky is good.

You're right. You're right.

Oh, although, she does have cankles.

Skanky cankles.

Isn't that what they call
Santa Claus in Norway?

Are you done?

Sorry, just a little case
of the pre-m??nage jitters.

You do realize if I wasn't here,
you couldn't get any of these women?

I'm not so sure about that.

I still have a few moves up my sleeve.

Really?

Be my guest.

Fine. Okay, watch this.

- Hello.
- No.

I'm good with whoever you pick.

I'm confused.

The only reason you're doing this is
because it's your husband's fantasy?

Ex-husband.

What a view.

The view from here is pretty good, too.

Certainly is.

I'm gonna end up watching from
the sidelines again, aren't I?

You're lucky you can get to watch.

You two look really lovely.

Y-You could actually be sisters.

That is exactly wrong.

Oh, no, I meant, uh,
I meant, uh, sistahs.

like, uh, "Sistahs
doing it for themselves."

What's the deal? Is he dying
and this is on his bucket list?

It's complicated. Just
stay focused on me.

Okay.

So, uh, shall we get this party started?

Great. Is there somewhere
where I can just freshen up?

Sure, the bathroom's down the hall.

Okay, be right back.

so, how are we slicing up this pie?

- What?
- You know, who gets what when?

Or we just gonna take shifts and
tap each other out like wrestlers?

- Nice to meet you, too.
- Yeah.

So, uh, how do you know
Lyndsey and, uh, the old guy?

Oh, Alan.

He lives here. This is my house.

No kidding.

Oh, oh, and one more thing:

if I yell "cheeseburger,"
it means I'm getting close,

and you need to whack me
on the back of the head

'cause I want this to last.

You're so cute.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Oh, no. No!

Oh, man! I just cannot catch a break.

She sounds fun.

So does he.

You know, if we close our
eyes and don't say anything...

Way ahead of you, Walden.

Cheeseburger!

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