Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 23 - Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped - full transcript

- You are so pretty. - Thank you.
- Pretty, pretty, pretty. - Okay. Okay.
Pretty man trying to drive a car here.
How did you get more drunk since we left the party?
Well...
I brought a roadie.
Where did you get that?
My purse.
Your purse?
Oh, no, it spilled.
Do you want some?
No, you need to get rid of that drink.
Fine, Mr. Man.
Oops.
Okay, it's time to get Stacey home and under the covers.
I think it's time to get Walden home and under Stacey.
That's not gonna happen.
Boo.
Maybe another time.
Yay!
I think I'm gonna take a little nap before we get there.
- Okay. - I'm so hungry.
We'll be home soon and- Whoa, that is not food.
Are you sure you don't wanna stay? Because we could have sex.
You've made that abundantly clear, uh, but, no, thank you.
To have sex with me, you'd need to be able to stand on one leg and touch your nose.
No.
Ooh, mojito.
Hey, let's get you inside safe and sound.
- Hello. - Hi, Nana. Look, this is my new friend, Wal-
It's actually pronounced "Walden."
She's asleep. Her head's in the toilet, but she's asleep.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm not the kind of guy who brings home a drunk girl.
I mean, I did bring her home, but not to, you know... bring her home.
We met at this video game party and we started drinking and talking...
...and she was doing the drinking and I was doing the talking...
...and here I am, still talking. Hi.
- I'm Walden Schmidt. - Nice to meet you, Walden. Linda Pearson.
Thank you for helping my granddaughter.
You do not look like you're old enough to have a granddaughter.
The unexpected benefit of being a slut at 18.
And having a daughter who followed suit. And, you know, from the looks of it...
...Stacey is, uh, going to carry on the proud family tradition.
Some families hand down recipes.
I appreciate you being a gentleman.
I was looking at these photos. They're amazing. Who took these?
- I did. - You took all these?
Yeah, I'm a photographer. This is pretty much a record of the last 40 years of my life.
Hold on. In this one, these guys are aiming their machine guns at the camera...
...which means they're aiming their guns at you.
Yeah, I was on assignment and, uh, I needed a photo of Nicaraguan Contras...
...and I guess nobody told their elite death squad it was picture day.
Wow.
That's what I said when they came over the hill.
But it had a lot more F's in it.
This is a picture of Warren Beatty and Jack Nicholson.
I took some more photos in the Jacuzzi later, but, uh, I can't display those.
Yeah, and that's the Berlin Wall coming down, and that's Tiananmen Square...
...and this is a dachshund in a hot dog bun.
- You're really talented. - Ha, ha. You're really sweet.
Okay, I've taken up enough of your time. I'll get out of your way now.
You're not in my way. I was just gonna make a cup of tea and smoke a joint.
- Really? - Yeah, you wanna join me?
That's my idea of baking with grandma.
Dad? Walden?
Jake?
- This is a surprise. - So is this.
What's on your face?
Oh, uh, now that I'm back dating, I wanna look my best.
Oh. It's not working.
So, what are you doing home?
I got a few days pass, thought I'd come and surprise you, spend some time together.
That's great. Wait, are you in trouble, is somebody pregnant, do you need money?
No, no, and always. Thing is, I'm going away for a while.
Damn it, I forgot jail.
- Not jail, Japan. - Japan?
Yeah. They needed an extra cook at the base there, so I volunteered.
- Really? Why? - Why not? I love Benihana.
- Oh, my God. When do you leave? - Two weeks.
Wait, two weeks. So this is probably the last time I'm gonna see you for a while.
Yeah, I guess. Unless you're willing to make the drive.
So Nixon stands on the helicopter steps, right, and he does this... and I take the picture.
And I'm so excited, that I don't even notice Strom Thurmond's hand is on my ass.
- So, what did you do? - I became a life-long Democrat.
Wow. You've seen some incredible things.
You can get into some pretty amazing places with a camera, a press pass, and no bra.
Okay, I'm gonna stop wearing a bra.
It's nice to have someone to talk to.
Stacey thinks Nicaragua is a gum you chew to stop smoking.
She also thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon.
- It's not? - Ha, ha.
Oh, man, I should really get going.
But before you go, you have to do something for me.
Every person I meet poses for the same picture.
- Oh, I'd be honored. - Great. Okay. Now, stand by that wall.
- Okay. - Yeah.
And, uh, give me a great, big smile.
- Now drop your pants and moon me. - What?
That's the picture I take of everyone.
Wait, I'm still gonna moon you.
So how long is your tour of duty? And, yes, I know I said "duty."
Uh, a year, but if I do really well, it could be longer.
Okay, so a year.
- Hey. - Hey, Walden.
- What are you doing home? - Just visiting.
- He's being transferred to Japan. - What?
That's amazing. I mean, I'll miss you, but what a great opportunity.
Beautiful country, gorgeous women, one step closer to having this house to myself...
Yeah, the only thing I'm worried about is they still haven't found Godzilla.
How was the party?
It was great. I met this really hot 22-year-old girl...
...and spent the night talking to her grandma.
Oh, yeah, "talking to her grandma." I know what that means.
Do you?
Are you kidding? When I wear my uniform out...
...all the ladies let me "talk to their grandma."
I'm just gonna talk to you.
Wait, wait...
...so you met this hot 22-year-old, but you spent the night talking to her grandmother?
That's like going to the International House of Pancakes and ordering dust.
Clearly I can't talk to either of you.
No. No, seriously. Why?
I'm sick of dating these goofy, shallow girls that all have a tiny dog in their purse.
All right. Tiny dog in their purse.
I'm missing you less and less.
She's really interesting.
Is she like a rapping granny or something?
Stop talking.
She's smart, funny and she's had these incredible experiences. There's one problem.
What? She can't drive at night?
No. If I wanna see Linda again, I gotta see Stacey again...
...and if I see her, she's gonna want to have sex with me.
Could you ask Walden why that's a problem?
This is nice, huh?
Yes it is. In a truly weird way.
There's nothing weird about three people having dinner.
It is when two of them are on a date.
Come on. We want you here. Isn't that right, Stacey?
Huh? Yeah. Totes.
Well, in that case, I'm totes glad to be here.
- So are you into photography too? - Oh, yeah, I take tons of selfies.
Instagram.
So how did you two wind up living together?
She's my grandma. Duh.
Stacey's looking for a job out here. She just graduated from Arizona State.
- Oh, wow. What was your major? - Communications.
You know, I've always wondered, what is that exactly?
Well...
It's kind of hard to put into words. I mean, you know, it's like talking and stuff.
- Uh-huh. - A hundred and twenty grand.
Ooh. Hey, are we gonna have sex tonight?
There's that Communications degree at work.
I hadn't really thought-
Because if not, I just got invited to a killer party.
Well, I wouldn't wanna keep you if-
Great. My friends will swing by and pick me up.
Do you wanna eat something first?
Oh, God, no. I hate drinking on a full stomach.
In fact, I'm gonna go throw up and make a little room.
- Pretty sure she's gonna live with me forever. - I got one of those.
I think pizza's the thing I'm gonna miss the most when I go to Japan.
Really? Pizza?
Yeah, well, that and sushi.
Okay, you know what, this is ridiculous. You're gonna be gone for a year...
...and we're here watching Dancing With the freaking Stars.
Well, you wanna watch Hillbilly Gynecologist?
No! No, I don't want to watch anything. I want to do something.
Hey, what do you say we go on a father-son road trip?
Okay. Can we go to Vegas?
That would be great except you're not old enough to drink or gamble.
Right. I don't drink.
You know what we could do? We could see beloved Canadian songbird, Celine Dion.
She is to die for.
- Dad? - Mm-hm?
I'm gonna be going away for a while.
If there's anything you need to tell me, now's the time.
Thank you very much for dinner.
You know, I was really impressed that you ordered in Italian.
Grazie, Signora. Molto bene.
It would have been more impressive if we'd been in an Italian restaurant.
- I had a great time tonight. - I did too, yeah.
Whoa.
Look, you are a wonderful young man. But I have a rule.
I never kiss anyone who started the night on a date with my granddaughter.
A rule? This has happened before?
What do you think?
If we take this route, we can be at the Grand Canyon by sunrise tomorrow.
- Pretty awesome, huh? - Yeah.
You know what else is awesome? The Bunny Ranch.
We're not going to a whorehouse, we're going to the Grand Canyon.
There's a girl at The Bunny Ranch they call the Grand Canyon.
Morning.
Hey, we're going on a father-son trip. Wanna come?
- Jake! - What? I want it to be fun.
I can't. I'm still sorting things out with Linda and Stacey.
Oh, right. The grandma-granddaughter thing.
You know, if you get the mom in there, they'll bronze your johnson.
I am so glad you're a cook, not a sniper.
So, Japan, huh?
Yeah, the Big Apple.
Have a fun road trip.
- I'm gonna miss this. Give me a hug. - Thanks for everything, Berta.
- You take care of yourself, Taterhead. - Are you crying?
- No. - Don't worry, you'll still have my dad.
Now I'm crying.
- Hi. - Hi. Um, hmm.
Well, this is a little awkward.
- Stacey's actually out on a date. - Oh, no. I'm devastated.
I don't think I should be alone.
Look, I'm very flattered, but I think we covered this last night.
I brought weed.
Oh, honey, that's not weed. Come on in.
- And stop looking at my ass. - Got it.
Isn't this great? Ha, ha. The Harper boys, on the road.
Mothers, lock up your daughters. Cows, prepare to be tipped.
Since when do you tip?
- Witty banter. Best thing about a road trip. - Yeah, yeah. That and joking around.
- Can I tell you something? - Of course.
Back when you and Mom broke up...
...I thought it was your fault and I was kind of mad at you for a long time.
Oh, Jake, well, it was very complicated, you know, a lot of things got said-
Let me finish.
Then Mom married Herb and then broke up with him...
...so now I'm thinking maybe it wasn't all you.
I appreciate that.
But I'm not gonna say anything bad about your mother.
- But you're hoping I will- - Oh, absolutely.
So after I dropped out of college, me and my buddy developed this software...
...and we sold it for a stupid amount. I lost half of it in my divorce...
...so I developed some more software and made it back- And I am freaking high.
I feel like I've been talking for over a year.
You kind of have.
So, what do you do now?
A lot of this.
Oh, Walden, you did your life backwards.
Yeah, you're supposed to spend your youth adventurizing...
...and then you go into business.
Wait, you said "adventurizing." Ha-ha-ha. That's not even a word.
It is now. I just inventorized it.
No, I mean it, you need to find something exciting in your life.
Like what?
Have you ever been chased by a lion in the Serengeti?
No, but one time I got in a slap fight with the guy who plays Simba at Disneyland.
That counts.
Have you ever been at a voodoo ritual in Haiti or panned for gold in the Yukon...
...or made out with Buzz Aldrin?
Do I wanna make out with Buzz Aldrin?
Oh, yeah.
You need to find that thing in your life that you're afraid to do and just do it.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Mm-hm.
Oh, wow.
- I'm sorry. - No, no, no this one's on me. I'm...
No, I haven't been with anybody since my divorce, and that was three years ago.
How is that possible? You're a beautiful woman.
No, I was a mess. I...
...I was faithful to one man for over 30 years...
...and, unfortunately, he was only faithful for six months...
...and not in a row.
Well, he's an idiot for philander-izing.
What are you doing here, Walden?
You're handsome, young, rich, you can have any woman you want.
That is what I'm doing here.
Oh, you're good. Like I said...
...I haven't been with anyone for a long time.
I'll go slow.
You misunderstand.
I don't wanna go slow.
I wanna hurt you.
These are awesome.
They're the last of the Charlie Harper estate.
We were supposed to smoke them when you graduated college.
- I'm really glad we took this trip. - Me too.
I can't believe my baby boy is all grown up and headed off to Japan.
Well, tell him to look me up, because I'll be there too.
I'm kidding.
- I'll worry about you every day you're there. - Don't worry about me...
...worry about the Japanese.
- Kidding? Ha. - Huh? What?
Hey, I got you a little something.
Whoa, this is a lot of cash.
Did you rob the 7-Eleven we stopped at?
More like they robbed me. Six dollars for a Slim Jim and a Yoo-hoo, come on.
I've been putting a little something away here and there.
Wow, thanks.
- I wish there was more. - I'm just surprised that there's any.
Okay, I deserve that. I know I wasn't the best dad.
Are you kidding? We lived at a beach house my whole life, rent free...
...and after Uncle Charlie died, we managed to stay there. Who else could do that?
I did always make sure you had a roof over your head.
Even if it was someone else's.
Yeah, you did. And there were a lot of hot chicks under that roof.
You don't even wanna know how many times I lost my virginity.
No, I- Yeah, no, I don't.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I wouldn't want anyone else to be my dad.
Aw.
- I wish you hadn't said that. - Why?
Now I gotta give you the rest of the money.
Okay. So this was a good idea.
No. This was a great idea.
That move you did at the end there, that's- Yowza.
You can thank Buzz Aldrin for that one.
- It's even better in zero gravity. Hello? Nana?
Whoa!
Let me explain.
I'm happy for you. You should be with an old guy.
So, what do you think?
I think if we can find a way around this big hole...
...we can make it to the Grand Canyon.
I love you, Jake. - I love you too, Dad.
Isn't this majestic?
Yeah. Hey, you know what else is majestic?