Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 12 - Welcome to Alancrest - full transcript

While Walden's health and other bedroom issues begin to suffer as a result of living a lie, he gives Alan 100,000 dollars to "invest" in Kate's fashion line.

Previously on
Two and a Half Men...

I am determined to find

someone who wants
to be with me

for who I am, not what I have.

My point is you can be whoever
you want to be.

I can help you out with that.

I appreciate it... Kate.

Sam Wilson.

Maybe you could crash here.

Have you really
thought this through?

I got to see
where this goes with Kate.

I think it is great

that you're working on
your computer stuff,

but we need help now.

Say no more.

I'll start looking
for a job.


Oh, look who finally
decided to show up.

Uh, yeah, I got
stuck in traffic.

Traffic, pfft.

You were with her,
weren't you?

Really, Alan?

Well, I don't mean to sound
like a broken record,

but you're never
home anymore.

I was just there
the other night.

And all you did
was watch the game

and fall asleep.
Remember how we used

to stay up all night
and just talk?

Okay, you know, fine,
we can talk now.

- What's on your mind?
- Nothing. I'm fine.

I'm not
a mind reader, Alan.

Well, not that
you care, but...

I'm rattling around
in that big house

all by myself.

I miss you.
There, I said it.

I miss you, too.

Well, you got a funny
way of showing it.

You do understand I have
a girlfriend, right?

So do I.

A-Another peach
mojito, please.

What are you drinking?
It's on me.

And by "on me,"
I mean the money

you left me to
pay the bills,

which, incidentally,
I used for other stuff,

so I'll need money
to pay the bills.

I'll have
a ginger ale, please.

Ginger ale?

Yeah, my stomach's
been bothering me.

I haven't really been
feeling myself lately.

Which self would
that be?

Walden Schmidt
or Sam Wilson?

Sam Wilson has
a lot of stress.

Thank you.

Money's tight.

You'd be surprised
what that does to a guy.

Please, I've been so
desperate for money,

I've climbed into
fountains at night

and stolen the
wishes of children.

So you get it.

What I don't get
is why you don't

resolve the stress and just
tell Kate the truth.

That's not gonna happen.

Why not?
I don't know,

going so great,

I don't want
to screw it up.

Oh, that's not good.

♪ Two and a Half Men 10x12 ♪
Welcome to Alancrest
Original Air Date on January 3, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth

I don't know whether this is
beef or chicken,

but it's definitely
worth 79 cents.

What's the matter?

My life has been
a complete waste of time.

Otherwise, I'm terrific.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, is this...
is this one of

the dresses you made?

Why are you throwing it away?

Because, apparently...
my stuff's not good enough

to get a job
that pays nothing.

You didn't get the internship?

Nope. Rejected by the guy
who assists the guy

who assists the guy
who designs Snooki's

signature line
of baby thongs.

Okay, don't worry,
you're gonna get next one.

There is no next one.

I mean, obviously

I don't have what it takes
to be a fashion designer.

And at a certain point,
I just have to bite the bullet

and admit it is not happening.

But you're not at that point.

Three words:




I think your designs are great.

You have to say that;
I have sex with you.


But if I was a woman,
I would totally wear this dress.

Hell, three shots of tequila

and I would wear this dress.

And I would work it!

Okay, don't make me laugh
when I'm trying to cry.

Too late, because
I am fierce.

I love you, Sam.

Uh, you have to say that;
I have sex with you.

Okay, the real test is,

will you have sex with me
wearing that dress?

You get the tequila,
I'll go put on some heels.

Lightly salted,
just the way you like.

Mm, thanks.

Who could've seen
this coming?


We end up with the house.


You know how
I used to say

you'd have to pay me
to hang out with you?


Here we are!

Hey, guys.


Oh, Look who it is.
Sam Wilson.

Hey, Alan,

can I, can I talk to you
for a second?

Oh, sure.

The principal wants to see me.

Oh, uh, Berta,
I brought some laundry by.

Uh, do you mind?

It's your machine.
Knock yourself out.

So, what's up?

I'm transferring $100,000
into your bank account.

A hundred... thousand...

Catch me, Lord.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

I-I think I need
to sit down.

Yeah, yeah.

I-I could swear
that I heard you say

you were gonna put
$100,000 into my account.

I am.

There it goes again.

It's-it's like the teacups
at Disneyland.

How can I ever thank you?

The money's not for you,
it's for Kate.

Next time, lead with that.

I want you to invest
in her fashion designs.

She's really talented,

but nobody will
give her a shot.

Are you sure she's talented?

It isn't just


I'm about to give you
a boom-shaka-laka.

No, $100,000 will help
her start her company.

So give it to her.
I can't.

I'm Sam Wilson.
I'm broke.

But you can,
because you're

Alan Harper,


Fashion's kind of risky.

And Alan Harper did not
become a billionaire

by taking unnecessary risks.

You are taking an
unnecessary risk right now.

No, I-I'm just saying that I'd
rather put my money into gold,

or maybe start a vineyard.


You know, fine, when
you make $100,000--

I don't even have
to finish that.

I-I want my money
invested in Kate.

Okay, no problem.

But I'll have to see
some of her sketches first.


What? You want this to be
believable, don't you?

Okay, fine.

Have us over
tomorrow night.

Ooh, kind of short notice.


Can't we do this at your house?

This is my house!

Awfully rude for a guy
who wants my money.

It's like you've never
washed a dish in your life.

What are you
talking about?

There's still SpaghettiOs
on this plate.

Well, you're the one
that wanted to be all fancy

and said we couldn't eat them
straight out of the can.


Oh, speaking of fancy,
I saw Alan today.


It was actually a really
interesting conversation.

He's looking for some
new investments.

He should go and buy himself
a better personality.

Nobody's that rich.

Uh, but I did tell him
that you're trying to start

your own fashion company.

Oh, Sam, you didn't.

Oh, but I did.

Well, he's in a position
to help you.

I don't want his help.

Unless I'm gonna start
a line called

House of Douche.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm sure that name's
already taken.

Hey, he could be the answer
to all your problems.

Oh, I don't know.

Before you say no,

he invited us over
tomorrow night

so you can show him
your designs.

Really think he'd invest in me?

He'd have to be an idiot not to.

But he is an idiot.


Give it a chance?

All right.

I'll do it.

Great. Oh, did I mention
that if you take his money,

you have to
sleep with him?

I'm kidding;
I'll totally do him.

Ah! Sam, Kate.

Welcome to Alancrest.

W-Why are you
wearing pajamas?

I'm rich. I can.

Mm. You have
a beautiful home.

It'll work
until my castle's finished.


Uh, that's French for
"enter, you."

Oh, look,

my panoramic ocean view.

You can follow my
seagulls on Twitter.

Hashtag, "Gulls gone wild."

Oh, ah, delightful!

Thank you, Berta.
That will be all.

Damn right it will!

She's been
with the family for years.

They say you're not really rich

until you have servants
who hate you.

Uh, Alan, Kate brought
her portfolio to show you.

Oh, yes!

Kate, please
take a seat.

Take my breath away!

Oh, I'd love to.

I made some new sketches
just for you.

Uh, yeah, she's been
working really hard on them.

I-I think you're really
gonna like what you see.

No offense, Sam,

but look at the
way you dress.


All right.

Oh, it's-it's nice.

No, I-I like
what you did here.

Thank you.

Uh, cap sleeves are
last season, but,

you know, okay.

Oh, you know,
I'm kind of done

with rompers, but I understand
what you're going for.

Oh, oh.


Kind of whorish.

- Excuse me?
- Okay.

You know what, uh, Kate,
why don't you run out to the car

and grab some of your samples.

I think Alan would
love to see them.

Yeah, sure.

Just hope
they're not too whorish.


Let's leave that
to Lady Gaga.


What the hell
is the matter with you?

Me? She's the one
who paired an empire waist

with a Peter Pan collar!

You're supposed to be a simple
rich guy, not a gay Bruce Wayne.

Hey, hey, you have
your character, I have mine.

Well, your character is a
festering heap of human waste!

I think we both know, if I had
money, I'd be the biggest

festering heap of human waste
that ever lived!

All you have to do is tell her
that you want to invest

and give her my $100,000.

Well, fine,
but velvet is whorish.

Okay, here we are.

Uh, let's see.

This is a cute, little shift

that goes from
day to night.

I love them all!

You-you haven't even seen them.

I've seen
all I need to see, Kate.

I want to invest in
your line of clothing.


Yes! Now tell me,

what's our
business plan?

Well, it depends.
If I had enough money,

I'd put a show together for
Fashion Week in New York.

That way, I'd be able to...

Sounds great. Pack
your bags for New York,

because I'm gonna write
you a check for $50,000.


Sam, did you hear that?

Uh, yeah, I did.

What's the-- $50,000?

I-I know it's a lot.

But I believe in her, and
I want to take a chance.

Uh, well,

if you really believe
in her, maybe you'd...

maybe you'd like to invest
a little bit more.


No, no, no.
He's right.

I'm gonna hate
myself for this.

But what the heck.


I can't believe Alan
gave me $100,000.

I can't believe
it took him two hours to do it.

Thank you.

What are you thanking me for?

Because I know none of this
would've happened without you.

I just introduced you.

Your whorish velvet
did the rest.

You are the sweetest...

most generous...

open, giving...

caring, genuine person
I've ever met, Sam Wilson.

That's me.

Good old Sam Wilson.

This whole thing...
is incredible.

I am so excited.

Me, too.

Are you sure?

What do you mean?

Well, it just
seems like, um,

Little Sam doesn't have
his head in the game.




Maybe I just need a minute.


Do you think I'm fat?


Wake up.

Mm... what, what?


What-what am I doing
in your bed?

I... I-I must have
been sleepwalking, I...

Relax, Alan,
I just want to talk.

What's going on?

It's 3:00 in the morning.

I... I haven't been able
to sleep lately.

In fact, my
whole life

is falling apart.

I'm, like, I'm losing my hair,
I'm gaining weight,

I'm all itchy
and twitchy, I...

I haven't had
a solid stool in a week.

So far, you're describing
my typical Tuesday.

The worst part is...

I can't get an erection.

All right, just let me
brush my teeth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, uh...



Oh, uh, yeah, you know,

I'm kind of,
I'm kind of half-asleep.

Yeah, wow.

Wow, that's a...
that is a problem.

Yeah, yeah.

Has this ever happened
to you before?

Oh, me? No, no.

I, uh, I have
amazing control.

Wait, watch this.

Got an erection.

Now it's gone.



Are you done?



Look, every guy has
this happen at some point.

It's never happened to me before
and it's driving me crazy.

You know, it's possible that the
problem is not in your pants.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

The problem is
definitely in my pants.

No, look at you.

I mean, the stress
of living a lie

is causing you
to just fall apart.

You're binge eating.

No, I am not
binge eating.

You get a free candy bar
when you buy four corn dogs.

That's just
smart shopping.

This all started
when you became Sam Wilson,

and I submit to you
that he's the one

who can't pop his weasel,
not Walden Schmidt.

Why don't you just
tell Kate the truth?

I'm afraid if I'm honest
with her now,

she'll just leave me.

Okay, well, if you want
your boner back,

you're gonna have to, you know,
tell her the truth

and trust that the strength

of your love will carry
you through...


Or you're gonna need
a little help.

All right,
go brush your teeth.

I'm kidding!

Yeah, yeah.

'Cause-'cause that'd be weird.

Look, what I meant was
that I happen

to know a 65-year-old man

who'll give you
a stiffy in no time.

Okay, that also sounded weird.

And it's back.

All right, Walden,
how hard do you want it?

Redwood tree, tungsten steel
or Chinese algebra?

I'm not looking
to frighten anybody.


I like eyes to widen
when I unsheathe the sword.

Well, tell you what.

Why don't I just put together
a little grab bag for you.

I got one of those.

I call it
"boner roulette."

You never know what
you're gonna get,

but you're a
wiener every time.

I'm gonna
start you off

with a couple of pink ones here.

These are good
for a mid-week quickie.

And these green ones

I recommend for solo work.


This one I call "Ouch."

That's her, not you.

Oh, oh, the
purple ones.

I couldn't remember where
I lived for a week.

Knocked on every door
in the neighborhood,

and not with my hand.

And, Walden,

this last one
I'm throwing in here, um,

just take half of it,
because, technically,

it's "only for horses."

Don't... don't I need
a prescription for these?

What are you, a cop?

Don't worry,
Russell, he's cool.

Okay, well,

there you go.

And since you're a friend
of a friend,

I should read you
the possible side effects.

"Headaches, dry mouth,
blurred vision, facial flushing,

"inflamed bursa sac,
vertigo, fits of rage,

"homicidal, patricidal,

"and suicidal thoughts,
stroke, anal leakage,

"explosive diarrhea,
nipple discoloration, death,

and difficulty
achieving an erection."


That explains my
yellow nipples.

You know what?

Maybe I'll just go with
the basic little blue pill.

Well, suit yourself, Sally.

Here you go.

Don't want these to go to waste.

That little waitress
down at Ruby Tuesday's

is never gonna know
what hit her.


What's going on?

Guess who's back.

Well, hello!

I haven't seen you in a while.

Hey, Kate, I've missed you.

Okay, that's creepy.

I'm gonna stop doing that.

Good, because I can't stay

and I wouldn't want you to think
it's because I wasn't enchanted

by your talking penis.

Where you going?

I actually just came back
to grab some designs.

Plus, I've got a million things
to do before I leave

for New York tomorrow, but I
promise when I get back tonight,

I will make it up to you.

And you.


We'll be here.

Hold me.

Shut up.

Come on,
we both know how this ends.

Are you sure
you don't want me

to give you a ride
to the airport?

No, Alan's
sending a limo.

He's a class act.

Yeah, I just... I just feel
like I should come with you.

Sam, I would love
for you to come,

but I just wouldn't feel right
spending Alan's money

to fly my boyfriend
across the country.

And it's not like
you or I have the money.

What if I told you
I had plenty of money?

I would ask you why you didn't
help me instead of Alan.

That would be a fair question.

Honey, you are so sweet.

And hopefully one day,
money won't be an issue for us.

Hope you're right.

That's the car.
I got to go.

Um, good luck.

I'll miss you.

I love you, Sam.

My name is Walden Schmidt.

I'm a billionaire.

I love you, too.

I don't care what your name is.




What do you want?

I'm just checking up
on you, buddy.

I'm fine! Go away!

Uh, are you sure?

I haven't seen you in a while.

I tell you, I'm fine!

Why is it so dark in here?

Alan, no!

Holy... fat.

Don't judge me.

You didn't, by chance,
bring any nacho cheese, did you?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth