Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 11 - Give Santa a Tail-Hole - full transcript
To maintain his poor man's cover, Walden can only help his destitute would be-actress lover Kate, whose sowing machine breaks down, by taking an 'honest' job as Christmas tree salesman, which he proves good at and enjoys although it's exhausting. Jake cancels, leaving Alan all alone for Christmas, unconsoled by the perks of Walden's fortune, so he craves a hug from Berta. Billy is eager to sell their 'lectric suitcase' to Zuckerberg for half a billion, but Walden stoically holds out for 1.2 while toiling cheerfully to earn peanuts.
Previously on Two and a Half Men:
I am determined to find someone who
wants me for who I am, not what I have.
- I need to buy a bit of everything.
- I can help out.
I appreciate it, Kate.
- Not a problem...
- Sam Wilson.
It's refreshing, talking to someone
like you, for a change.
- Someone like me?
- Yeah, someone who's not constantly...
...trying to impress me with stuff.
- Kate, this is my friend Alan.
- Thanks so much for picking us up.
This clown rents a room,
suddenly I'm running a taxi service.
- You should move out.
- I can't afford to.
Maybe you could crash here.
- Have you thought this through?
- I gotta see where this goes.
- Promise me one thing.
- What's that?
- That we're always honest with each other.
- You got it.
I hope it's okay
I have people over on Christmas.
Just Jake and Lyndsey and my mom.
It's the holidays,
time to be with the ones you love.
Right, uh, and my mom. Um...
So, uh, listen, Sam Wilson,
how are things in Poorville?
Are you Les Misérables?
Actually, it's a hoot.
You know, last night, Kate and I
went shopping at the 99-cent store.
That place is amazing.
Did you know that
everything there is 99 cents?
Know it?
I registered there for my wedding.
Two cans of peaches, 99 cents.
Four pack of yogurt, 99 cents.
This owl-shaped mug? Ninety-nine cents.
Guess how much the wine inside was?
Uh, I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say 99 cents?
Seventy-nine cents. Dented box. Heh.
From now on,
I'm buying everything from that place.
Uh, not condoms. I think that's
how I ended up with Jake.
- Hey.
- Hey, baby. Uh, I gotta go.
- Hey, Katie.
- Alan. How are you?
I'm fine. Just, uh, sipping some wine
I got at the 999-dollar store.
Bye, Alan.
- Douche.
- Ugh. Don't worry about him.
- How was your day?
- It's Christmas, Sam.
Happy people, wishing you peace on Earth.
It was horrible.
Somebody's got a case
of the Grinches.
No, it's a case of nine-hour shifts listening
to Celine Dion murder "O Holy Night."
If I ever meet that skinny bitch, I'm
gonna beat the "O holy" crap out of her.
- And that's what Christmas is all about.
- Ha, ha.
I'm sorry. Tell me about your day.
After you left, I made some breakfast.
Oh. I got the mail.
I did some work
on that app I've been developing.
And then I did some serious
research on World War II.
- Really?
- I fell asleep watching the History Channel.
- Sweetie, can I be honest with you?
- Yeah, what's up?
I am working my ass off.
It would be really, really nice if you
could, I don't know, pitch in a little.
You heard the part about me
getting the mail, right?
You do understand that what
came in the mail is a pile of bills?
I think it is great you're working on your
computer stuff, but we need help now.
Okay. Say no more.
- I'll start looking for a job.
- Thank you.
- It's not like I expect you to make $1 million.
- Thank God!
Go ahead. I'm gonna go run a bath.
I reek of comfort and joy.
Hey, Billy, what's up?
Nothing much, just running our company
while you take some personal time.
Just man up and admit you're in rehab.
I am not in rehab. I told you,
I'm on a spiritual journey.
"Spiritual journey." You know what?
I've been on four of those.
I still wake up craving meth.
I call it Eat, pray, love,
have angry sex with an Asian hooker.
- What do you want?
- Just keeping you in the loop...
...about what's going on here.
New computers in the bullpen.
We got a staple-less stapler.
Mark Zuckerberg offered to buy
the company...
...for 800 million and the redhead
in Marketing is not wearing bras.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
There's a staple-less stapler?
I think we should take his offer.
Billy, we built the Electric Suitcase
from the ground up.
We've been here before. You hated
the fact I sold our last company.
I've come to realize
you were right.
I hated Tarnell, the gangsta
who sold me crack...
...but I was still happy to work with him!
Look, this is a good offer.
We should take it!
Okay. Tell him 1.2 billion,
but we keep control.
Do you think we're gonna
get a better offer?
Bath's ready. Wanna join me?
I just got a better offer. Bye.
Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say
On a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day
That's the island greeting
That we send to you
From a land where palm trees sway
Here we know that Christmas
Will be green and bright
Jeez! You scared me!
I nearly dropped the champagne!
- Where did you get money to buy champagne?
- You left some for me.
- For emergencies!
- Yeah. We were out of champagne.
- So, what are you doing here?
- "What am I doing here" in my house?
Uh, sorry, let me rephrase that.
Great to see you, what brings you by?
- I'm doing laundry for Kate and me.
- Really? You did laundry?
No, I did laundry.
Thank you.
You're like some sort of kept man, huh?
I'm supposed to be out job hunting, but
it's hard since Sam Wilson doesn't exist.
I can help you there.
Five grand will get you a clean
social security card...
...and a new set of fingerprints.
Six will get you the fingers.
The fingers?
Better to have and not need
than to need and not have.
Hey, uh, why don't you just go to an ATM...
...pull out a few thousand dollars
and tell her you got a job?
That would be lying.
Oh, no. You wouldn't want to lie to her,
Sam Wilson.
Let me explain something to you, Alan.
Walden Schmidt lies.
Sam Wilson tells the truth.
Besides, I like Sam Wilson's life.
It feels more like...
...a real life.
- Yeah, I get that.
I mean, that's why I like to sleep in your bed.
It feels more like a real bed.
And get this, I got a
call from Billy today.
We got an offer to buy
our company for $800 million.
Excuse me a sec.
Eight hundred million dollars?
- Yeah. We turned it down.
- You turned it down.
Check it out.
Oh, Sam. I hope you stole that.
- It wasn't that expensive.
- We barely made rent this month.
- I know. It's Christmas.
- Yeah. You don't have to tell me, heh.
I'm earning extra money by making
a Santa outfit for my boss's labradoodle.
- Aw, that's cute.
- Yeah.
Then I'm gonna make three
wise men costumes for her cats.
And just like that,
cute becomes creepy.
Okay, I'm gonna go change.
- I got a lead on a job.
- Really?
Yeah. If that doesn't work
I'm gonna rob a bank.
I hope the 99-cent store sells ski masks.
- Oh, man.
- What?
I forgot to give Santa a tail hole.
Worst Christmas carol ever.
Oh.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, buddy. Excited about Christmas?
Yeah, that's actually why I was calling.
I'm not gonna make it home this year.
- What? Why?
- My girlfriend Tammy-Sue...
...asked me to spend Christmas
with her and her three kids.
I'm pretending to be Santa.
And also their various fathers.
Oh, kill me. Well, how did you
meet this woman?
I play softball with her parole officer.
Oh, dig me up and kill me again.
All right. Well, I hope I see you soon.
We'll all come visit as soon as
Tammy-Sue gets her ankle bracelet off.
That will be a magical day.
Yeah. All right, well,
Merry Christmas, Dad. Bye.
Merry Christmas, Jake.
Time now for the magic of bourbon.
Hi. I was here earlier. I bought a tree. Uh,
I was hoping I could talk about something.
If somebody told you I'm selling
pot here, that is just crazy talk.
Uh, no. I saw the "Help Wanted" sign.
I was hoping to get a job.
Oh. Have a seat.
You got any, uh, Christmas tree experience?
Well, I've decorated a bunch.
Experience, none.
It's selling Christmas trees.
A mom walks in,
she's driving a Lexus...
...she's got a big living room.
What are you pushing?
- Balsam? Noble? Doug Fir?
- Uh...
Bzz! You're out of time! She's across
the street buying a 20 footer...
...from the Armenian.
- Are you comfortable with celebrities?
- What do you mean?
We get a lot of big names.
Mario Lopez buys his tree here every year.
I don't want you getting all jelly-legged.
I'm young, I'm strong, and I need the money.
I'll work hard and won't let you down.
I'll give you 7 bucks an hour, plus tips.
- Minimum wage is 8.
- Look at my shoes.
- What about them?
- Where are they?
Under the table. Oh.
- I'm in.
- When can you start?
Right now.
A man with no life, I like it.
I'll go get you some gloves.
By the way, your cell phone's
like your penis.
When you're at work,
keep it in your pants.
Hey, Billy, I'm kind of busy.
I'm not in rehab!
Relax, Zuckerberg is not gonna walk.
Just sit tight
and we'll get the number we want.
I gotta go. Bye.
All right, here you go.
And, uh, by the way, if somebody comes
looking for a Jamaican Christmas tree...
...you send them to me.
Yeah, man.
I got a job.
As what, Prancer the reindeer stripper?
Nope. Selling Christmas trees.
- You're kidding.
- Yeah.
- Already sold nine trees.
- Nice!
I'm getting the stink-eye
from the other salesman.
He only sold six.
But the guy crushes it with wreaths.
Check it out. I made enough
on tips to get us Chinese food.
Ah, you really know how to take care
of your lady, Rudolph.
Oh, no, I don't get the nose
until I sell 50 trees.
Shall we open a fresh box of wine?
- No. No, no, no, no!
- Oh, switching to soda.
My sewing machine,
it just died on me.
Okay, no problem.
Sewing machines can be fixed.
It's gonna cost more to fix
than I'll make on this job.
Okay, it's not a problem.
Look at the bright side.
Somewhere in the world...
...there's a labradoodle and three cats
that get to keep their dignity.
I wish that made me feel better.
I got something
that'll make you feel better.
- Let's dance.
- What? There's no music.
Mm, I'll sing.
Oh, holy night
The stars were brightly shining
I love you, Sam.
I hate that song, but I love you.
I love you.
- Did we just?
- Yeah, I think we did.
I got something else
that'll make you feel better.
Yeah?
- Let's get naked...
- Ah!
...and play some reindeer games.
- Are you gonna leave those antlers on?
- Oh, yeah.
Drive slow. Stick to the side streets.
You are a natural, kid.
You remind me of a young me.
Except you're taller and better looking.
And probably straight.
- Where are we going with this?
- Apparently nowhere.
- "Christmas" on three. One, two, three!
- Christmas!
- I did not see that coming.
- Walden.
- Hey!
- Or should I say, "Sam"?
Billy. How'd you find me?
It's easy. You told Alan you were working
here, you swore him to secrecy.
- I gave him 100 bucks, bam, here I am.
- Wanna buy a tree?
No, no. I wanna sell our company
to Mark Zuckerberg.
He has upped his offer to $950 million.
Wow. That's a lot of money.
You know, I can probably get you into
this 8-foot Cypress from Oregon...
...for 50 bucks off the sticker price.
Nine hundred and fifty million dollars,
we can buy Oregon!
Look at how uptight you are.
You should get a job here
with me selling trees.
It's stress-free.
Everybody leaves here happy.
Some people really happy
with a case of the munchies.
Walden, let me just call Zuckerberg
and close the deal.
You can close the deal at 1.2
for 49 percent of the company.
- I'm not giving up control.
- You're crazy.
- You are bat-crap, freaking crazy.
- I've never been so sane in my entire life.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a red blinky nose to live up to.
- There's my Mrs. Claus.
- Hey, Alan.
Good news. My mother bailed.
She's having something rejuvenated.
Don't ask what. I did and haven't
been able to eat or sleep since.
Uh, Jake is with his girlfriend and her 17 kids.
So it's just you and me, kiddo.
I have some bad news.
I'm not gonna be here for Christmas.
- What?
- I have to go to Cleveland.
My grandma fell down and broke her hip.
Big deal, old people do that all the time!
It's like a cold with them.
- Ah. Can't your grandfather take care of her?
- He's dead.
Man, I can't catch a break.
- We can celebrate when I get back.
- Nothing says Christmas like January 3rd.
I'm sorry, Alan,
I don't have a choice.
I know. It's okay. I love you.
I love you too. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Sometimes she can be so selfish.
All right, I'm out of here.
I'm gonna hate myself for asking.
What's wrong?
All my Christmas plans have fallen apart.
I'm gonna be all alone.
Yeah, that's rough.
Happy holidays, Zip.
Hello, thank you
for calling the suicide hotline.
All our counselors are busy...
...but your call is very important to us.
Please, hold.
- Sam?
- Sorry, babe, didn't mean to wake you up.
- How was work?
- My body aches. My hands are blistered.
I can hardly feel my feet.
It was awesome.
I wish I felt that way about my job.
Ah. Yeah. Your job’s just a way to get by,
until you get your big break as a designer.
I've been getting by for three years now.
What if it never happens?
For God's sakes, I don't even
have a sewing machine that works.
But you got a boyfriend that does.
- Did you sell more wreaths than Jose?
- Ugh, no.
- That guy is a wreath-selling machine.
- Ha, ha.
He sold one to a guy without a door.
Aw.
- Is that mistletoe?
- It's supposed to be.
It's actually broccoli.
- I thought it'd be romantic.
- It is.
- You wanna?
- No, hell, no.
Thank God.
I have no gifts to bring
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
I have no friends or life
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Look at you. Drunk as your brother
and none of the charm.
- Berta?
- I got chicken and beer.
- You came back for me!
- All right, calm down.
- You love me, don't you?
- I pity you.
Close enough.
You got good taste.
Took home a tree just like this last week.
I don't know, 90 bucks
is more than I want to spend.
What do you think, sweetheart?
You like Doug?
His name is Doug?
His name is Douglas,
but his friends call him Doug.
You know what I like about him?
He's tree-mendous.
Daddy, I want Doug.
Oh, you don't want to disappoint
your daughter here on Christmas Eve.
Excuse me, Mr., uh, Tree-Salesman?
What do you want?
I'm trying to close.
So am I. I have Mark-freaking-Zuckerberg
on the phone!
- Is he at 1.2?
- He's at a billion.
Right now, think about that number.
You know how when you say
someone's one in a million?
You could have a thousand!
We have to give him an answer!
Tell him 1.2
for 49 percent of the company...
...and I'll throw in a wreath.
Suck it, Jose.
- What do you think?
- I'll give you 30 bucks.
- Seventy.
- Forty.
One point one. Don't make me
bitch slap you in front of this child!
One point two. Sixty-five and
I'll flock it for you myself.
- Fifty.
- Sixty and I'll throw in a stand.
You're not gonna move this tree.
One point one-five. You say yes
or I will shove that nose up your putzen!
One point two. It's Christmas Eve, Santa
needs a tree to put the presents under.
- Fifty-five. Final offer.
- One point two!
- Sold! Sold!
- Yes!
Oh, you did it, you magnificent bastard!
Really? Him, not me?
Who is this for?
"To Kate, from Santa."
I have a horrible feeling
this breaks our $20 rule.
- Open it!
- Ah. Okay.
Oh, my God!
Sam, a sewing machine?
How can you afford this?
Let's just say I had a very good day
at the Christmas tree lot.
- You like it?
- I love it.
I feel kind of stupid
about the scarf now.
Are you kidding me?
You made this yourself.
This is the best gift I've ever gotten.
Maybe later you can sew me
a little tail hole.
- Merry Christmas, Sam.
- Oh. Wait.
Look what else Santa brought.
Broccol-toe.
I am determined to find someone who
wants me for who I am, not what I have.
- I need to buy a bit of everything.
- I can help out.
I appreciate it, Kate.
- Not a problem...
- Sam Wilson.
It's refreshing, talking to someone
like you, for a change.
- Someone like me?
- Yeah, someone who's not constantly...
...trying to impress me with stuff.
- Kate, this is my friend Alan.
- Thanks so much for picking us up.
This clown rents a room,
suddenly I'm running a taxi service.
- You should move out.
- I can't afford to.
Maybe you could crash here.
- Have you thought this through?
- I gotta see where this goes.
- Promise me one thing.
- What's that?
- That we're always honest with each other.
- You got it.
I hope it's okay
I have people over on Christmas.
Just Jake and Lyndsey and my mom.
It's the holidays,
time to be with the ones you love.
Right, uh, and my mom. Um...
So, uh, listen, Sam Wilson,
how are things in Poorville?
Are you Les Misérables?
Actually, it's a hoot.
You know, last night, Kate and I
went shopping at the 99-cent store.
That place is amazing.
Did you know that
everything there is 99 cents?
Know it?
I registered there for my wedding.
Two cans of peaches, 99 cents.
Four pack of yogurt, 99 cents.
This owl-shaped mug? Ninety-nine cents.
Guess how much the wine inside was?
Uh, I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say 99 cents?
Seventy-nine cents. Dented box. Heh.
From now on,
I'm buying everything from that place.
Uh, not condoms. I think that's
how I ended up with Jake.
- Hey.
- Hey, baby. Uh, I gotta go.
- Hey, Katie.
- Alan. How are you?
I'm fine. Just, uh, sipping some wine
I got at the 999-dollar store.
Bye, Alan.
- Douche.
- Ugh. Don't worry about him.
- How was your day?
- It's Christmas, Sam.
Happy people, wishing you peace on Earth.
It was horrible.
Somebody's got a case
of the Grinches.
No, it's a case of nine-hour shifts listening
to Celine Dion murder "O Holy Night."
If I ever meet that skinny bitch, I'm
gonna beat the "O holy" crap out of her.
- And that's what Christmas is all about.
- Ha, ha.
I'm sorry. Tell me about your day.
After you left, I made some breakfast.
Oh. I got the mail.
I did some work
on that app I've been developing.
And then I did some serious
research on World War II.
- Really?
- I fell asleep watching the History Channel.
- Sweetie, can I be honest with you?
- Yeah, what's up?
I am working my ass off.
It would be really, really nice if you
could, I don't know, pitch in a little.
You heard the part about me
getting the mail, right?
You do understand that what
came in the mail is a pile of bills?
I think it is great you're working on your
computer stuff, but we need help now.
Okay. Say no more.
- I'll start looking for a job.
- Thank you.
- It's not like I expect you to make $1 million.
- Thank God!
Go ahead. I'm gonna go run a bath.
I reek of comfort and joy.
Hey, Billy, what's up?
Nothing much, just running our company
while you take some personal time.
Just man up and admit you're in rehab.
I am not in rehab. I told you,
I'm on a spiritual journey.
"Spiritual journey." You know what?
I've been on four of those.
I still wake up craving meth.
I call it Eat, pray, love,
have angry sex with an Asian hooker.
- What do you want?
- Just keeping you in the loop...
...about what's going on here.
New computers in the bullpen.
We got a staple-less stapler.
Mark Zuckerberg offered to buy
the company...
...for 800 million and the redhead
in Marketing is not wearing bras.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
There's a staple-less stapler?
I think we should take his offer.
Billy, we built the Electric Suitcase
from the ground up.
We've been here before. You hated
the fact I sold our last company.
I've come to realize
you were right.
I hated Tarnell, the gangsta
who sold me crack...
...but I was still happy to work with him!
Look, this is a good offer.
We should take it!
Okay. Tell him 1.2 billion,
but we keep control.
Do you think we're gonna
get a better offer?
Bath's ready. Wanna join me?
I just got a better offer. Bye.
Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say
On a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day
That's the island greeting
That we send to you
From a land where palm trees sway
Here we know that Christmas
Will be green and bright
Jeez! You scared me!
I nearly dropped the champagne!
- Where did you get money to buy champagne?
- You left some for me.
- For emergencies!
- Yeah. We were out of champagne.
- So, what are you doing here?
- "What am I doing here" in my house?
Uh, sorry, let me rephrase that.
Great to see you, what brings you by?
- I'm doing laundry for Kate and me.
- Really? You did laundry?
No, I did laundry.
Thank you.
You're like some sort of kept man, huh?
I'm supposed to be out job hunting, but
it's hard since Sam Wilson doesn't exist.
I can help you there.
Five grand will get you a clean
social security card...
...and a new set of fingerprints.
Six will get you the fingers.
The fingers?
Better to have and not need
than to need and not have.
Hey, uh, why don't you just go to an ATM...
...pull out a few thousand dollars
and tell her you got a job?
That would be lying.
Oh, no. You wouldn't want to lie to her,
Sam Wilson.
Let me explain something to you, Alan.
Walden Schmidt lies.
Sam Wilson tells the truth.
Besides, I like Sam Wilson's life.
It feels more like...
...a real life.
- Yeah, I get that.
I mean, that's why I like to sleep in your bed.
It feels more like a real bed.
And get this, I got a
call from Billy today.
We got an offer to buy
our company for $800 million.
Excuse me a sec.
Eight hundred million dollars?
- Yeah. We turned it down.
- You turned it down.
Check it out.
Oh, Sam. I hope you stole that.
- It wasn't that expensive.
- We barely made rent this month.
- I know. It's Christmas.
- Yeah. You don't have to tell me, heh.
I'm earning extra money by making
a Santa outfit for my boss's labradoodle.
- Aw, that's cute.
- Yeah.
Then I'm gonna make three
wise men costumes for her cats.
And just like that,
cute becomes creepy.
Okay, I'm gonna go change.
- I got a lead on a job.
- Really?
Yeah. If that doesn't work
I'm gonna rob a bank.
I hope the 99-cent store sells ski masks.
- Oh, man.
- What?
I forgot to give Santa a tail hole.
Worst Christmas carol ever.
Oh.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, buddy. Excited about Christmas?
Yeah, that's actually why I was calling.
I'm not gonna make it home this year.
- What? Why?
- My girlfriend Tammy-Sue...
...asked me to spend Christmas
with her and her three kids.
I'm pretending to be Santa.
And also their various fathers.
Oh, kill me. Well, how did you
meet this woman?
I play softball with her parole officer.
Oh, dig me up and kill me again.
All right. Well, I hope I see you soon.
We'll all come visit as soon as
Tammy-Sue gets her ankle bracelet off.
That will be a magical day.
Yeah. All right, well,
Merry Christmas, Dad. Bye.
Merry Christmas, Jake.
Time now for the magic of bourbon.
Hi. I was here earlier. I bought a tree. Uh,
I was hoping I could talk about something.
If somebody told you I'm selling
pot here, that is just crazy talk.
Uh, no. I saw the "Help Wanted" sign.
I was hoping to get a job.
Oh. Have a seat.
You got any, uh, Christmas tree experience?
Well, I've decorated a bunch.
Experience, none.
It's selling Christmas trees.
A mom walks in,
she's driving a Lexus...
...she's got a big living room.
What are you pushing?
- Balsam? Noble? Doug Fir?
- Uh...
Bzz! You're out of time! She's across
the street buying a 20 footer...
...from the Armenian.
- Are you comfortable with celebrities?
- What do you mean?
We get a lot of big names.
Mario Lopez buys his tree here every year.
I don't want you getting all jelly-legged.
I'm young, I'm strong, and I need the money.
I'll work hard and won't let you down.
I'll give you 7 bucks an hour, plus tips.
- Minimum wage is 8.
- Look at my shoes.
- What about them?
- Where are they?
Under the table. Oh.
- I'm in.
- When can you start?
Right now.
A man with no life, I like it.
I'll go get you some gloves.
By the way, your cell phone's
like your penis.
When you're at work,
keep it in your pants.
Hey, Billy, I'm kind of busy.
I'm not in rehab!
Relax, Zuckerberg is not gonna walk.
Just sit tight
and we'll get the number we want.
I gotta go. Bye.
All right, here you go.
And, uh, by the way, if somebody comes
looking for a Jamaican Christmas tree...
...you send them to me.
Yeah, man.
I got a job.
As what, Prancer the reindeer stripper?
Nope. Selling Christmas trees.
- You're kidding.
- Yeah.
- Already sold nine trees.
- Nice!
I'm getting the stink-eye
from the other salesman.
He only sold six.
But the guy crushes it with wreaths.
Check it out. I made enough
on tips to get us Chinese food.
Ah, you really know how to take care
of your lady, Rudolph.
Oh, no, I don't get the nose
until I sell 50 trees.
Shall we open a fresh box of wine?
- No. No, no, no, no!
- Oh, switching to soda.
My sewing machine,
it just died on me.
Okay, no problem.
Sewing machines can be fixed.
It's gonna cost more to fix
than I'll make on this job.
Okay, it's not a problem.
Look at the bright side.
Somewhere in the world...
...there's a labradoodle and three cats
that get to keep their dignity.
I wish that made me feel better.
I got something
that'll make you feel better.
- Let's dance.
- What? There's no music.
Mm, I'll sing.
Oh, holy night
The stars were brightly shining
I love you, Sam.
I hate that song, but I love you.
I love you.
- Did we just?
- Yeah, I think we did.
I got something else
that'll make you feel better.
Yeah?
- Let's get naked...
- Ah!
...and play some reindeer games.
- Are you gonna leave those antlers on?
- Oh, yeah.
Drive slow. Stick to the side streets.
You are a natural, kid.
You remind me of a young me.
Except you're taller and better looking.
And probably straight.
- Where are we going with this?
- Apparently nowhere.
- "Christmas" on three. One, two, three!
- Christmas!
- I did not see that coming.
- Walden.
- Hey!
- Or should I say, "Sam"?
Billy. How'd you find me?
It's easy. You told Alan you were working
here, you swore him to secrecy.
- I gave him 100 bucks, bam, here I am.
- Wanna buy a tree?
No, no. I wanna sell our company
to Mark Zuckerberg.
He has upped his offer to $950 million.
Wow. That's a lot of money.
You know, I can probably get you into
this 8-foot Cypress from Oregon...
...for 50 bucks off the sticker price.
Nine hundred and fifty million dollars,
we can buy Oregon!
Look at how uptight you are.
You should get a job here
with me selling trees.
It's stress-free.
Everybody leaves here happy.
Some people really happy
with a case of the munchies.
Walden, let me just call Zuckerberg
and close the deal.
You can close the deal at 1.2
for 49 percent of the company.
- I'm not giving up control.
- You're crazy.
- You are bat-crap, freaking crazy.
- I've never been so sane in my entire life.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a red blinky nose to live up to.
- There's my Mrs. Claus.
- Hey, Alan.
Good news. My mother bailed.
She's having something rejuvenated.
Don't ask what. I did and haven't
been able to eat or sleep since.
Uh, Jake is with his girlfriend and her 17 kids.
So it's just you and me, kiddo.
I have some bad news.
I'm not gonna be here for Christmas.
- What?
- I have to go to Cleveland.
My grandma fell down and broke her hip.
Big deal, old people do that all the time!
It's like a cold with them.
- Ah. Can't your grandfather take care of her?
- He's dead.
Man, I can't catch a break.
- We can celebrate when I get back.
- Nothing says Christmas like January 3rd.
I'm sorry, Alan,
I don't have a choice.
I know. It's okay. I love you.
I love you too. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Sometimes she can be so selfish.
All right, I'm out of here.
I'm gonna hate myself for asking.
What's wrong?
All my Christmas plans have fallen apart.
I'm gonna be all alone.
Yeah, that's rough.
Happy holidays, Zip.
Hello, thank you
for calling the suicide hotline.
All our counselors are busy...
...but your call is very important to us.
Please, hold.
- Sam?
- Sorry, babe, didn't mean to wake you up.
- How was work?
- My body aches. My hands are blistered.
I can hardly feel my feet.
It was awesome.
I wish I felt that way about my job.
Ah. Yeah. Your job’s just a way to get by,
until you get your big break as a designer.
I've been getting by for three years now.
What if it never happens?
For God's sakes, I don't even
have a sewing machine that works.
But you got a boyfriend that does.
- Did you sell more wreaths than Jose?
- Ugh, no.
- That guy is a wreath-selling machine.
- Ha, ha.
He sold one to a guy without a door.
Aw.
- Is that mistletoe?
- It's supposed to be.
It's actually broccoli.
- I thought it'd be romantic.
- It is.
- You wanna?
- No, hell, no.
Thank God.
I have no gifts to bring
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
I have no friends or life
Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum
Look at you. Drunk as your brother
and none of the charm.
- Berta?
- I got chicken and beer.
- You came back for me!
- All right, calm down.
- You love me, don't you?
- I pity you.
Close enough.
You got good taste.
Took home a tree just like this last week.
I don't know, 90 bucks
is more than I want to spend.
What do you think, sweetheart?
You like Doug?
His name is Doug?
His name is Douglas,
but his friends call him Doug.
You know what I like about him?
He's tree-mendous.
Daddy, I want Doug.
Oh, you don't want to disappoint
your daughter here on Christmas Eve.
Excuse me, Mr., uh, Tree-Salesman?
What do you want?
I'm trying to close.
So am I. I have Mark-freaking-Zuckerberg
on the phone!
- Is he at 1.2?
- He's at a billion.
Right now, think about that number.
You know how when you say
someone's one in a million?
You could have a thousand!
We have to give him an answer!
Tell him 1.2
for 49 percent of the company...
...and I'll throw in a wreath.
Suck it, Jose.
- What do you think?
- I'll give you 30 bucks.
- Seventy.
- Forty.
One point one. Don't make me
bitch slap you in front of this child!
One point two. Sixty-five and
I'll flock it for you myself.
- Fifty.
- Sixty and I'll throw in a stand.
You're not gonna move this tree.
One point one-five. You say yes
or I will shove that nose up your putzen!
One point two. It's Christmas Eve, Santa
needs a tree to put the presents under.
- Fifty-five. Final offer.
- One point two!
- Sold! Sold!
- Yes!
Oh, you did it, you magnificent bastard!
Really? Him, not me?
Who is this for?
"To Kate, from Santa."
I have a horrible feeling
this breaks our $20 rule.
- Open it!
- Ah. Okay.
Oh, my God!
Sam, a sewing machine?
How can you afford this?
Let's just say I had a very good day
at the Christmas tree lot.
- You like it?
- I love it.
I feel kind of stupid
about the scarf now.
Are you kidding me?
You made this yourself.
This is the best gift I've ever gotten.
Maybe later you can sew me
a little tail hole.
- Merry Christmas, Sam.
- Oh. Wait.
Look what else Santa brought.
Broccol-toe.