Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 10 - One Nut Johnson - full transcript

Oh, incoming,
three o'clock.

Wow.
(chuckles)

If I were available,
I'd be all over that.

So being unavailable

is the only thing
that's stopping you?

Well, that and her obvious,
but unvoiced contempt for me.

Why don't you
make a move?

Aw, what's the point?

Let's say I start talking to her,
and we hit it off.

And by "hit it off," you mean

(goofy voice):
hit it off.



Hmm, more unvoiced
contempt. Hmm.

I can voice it if you'd like.

No thanks.

What do you think is gonna happen
as soon as she finds out

how much money I have
in the bank?

She's gonna want you
to make a deposit.

And there's the problem.

I-I see no problem.

'Kay. It's not me
that she'd be interested in.

It's what I can do for her.
It's the lifestyle.

So what? You still got laid.

Trust me, it gets old.

It's like having
a magic golf club:

every time you take a shot,
the ball just goes in the hole.



Oh, yeah!
Ker-plunk!

Okay, apparently,
you need a demonstration.

And no more alcohol.

Hi.

I'm Walden Schmidt.

Hello.

That's "Schmidt,"
S-C-H-M-I-D-T.

Uh, okay. It's nice
to meet you, Walden.

I'm Susan. S-U-S-A-N.

Can I buy you a drink, Susan?

No, thanks. I'm waiting
for some friends.

No problem.
Excuse me.

Hmm. There goes your theory.
You struck out!

Au contraire,
mon frère.

Right now, she's heading
into the bathroom.

What do you think
she's doing in there?

Uh, I'm guessing tinkle.

Girls poop at home.

No. She's wondering,

"Why did he spell his last name?

Maybe I should know who he is."

So, now, she's taking out
her phone and Googling me.

Oh, I tried that once,
and I dropped my phone in the toilet.

Fortunately, it was right
after a courtesy flush.

The first hit on my name
is the Forbes 500 Web site,

at which point in time she finds out
exactly how much money I make,

she forgets to go
to the bathroom,

along with everything
she learned in Sunday school,

slaps on some lipstick
and comes back into the bar.

Wow.

She probably unbuttons
one button on her blouse...

and...

You know what?

I changed my mind
about that drink.

I still don't
see the problem.

♪ Men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh

♪ Ah.
♪ Men

♪ Two and a Half Men 10x10 ♪
One Nut Johnson
Original Air Date on December 6, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth

Can't believe
you're coming home with me

instead of that girl.

Not that I'm
not flattered.

And not that I'm not willing
to do things.

Just because a woman
wants to have sex with me,

doesn't mean I want
to have sex with her.

Okay, I hear the words coming
out of your mouth,

I just don't
understand them.

It's like watching
HBO in Spanish.

Well, look, call me crazy,
but I am determined to find

someone who wants to be with me
for who I am, not what I have.

Hola, bienvenidos
a HBO en español.

Come on.

I bet you have no doubt

as to whether or not
Lyndsey loves you.

I would guess that's true.

You don't have to guess.

You have no money,
no house, no future, no...

Okay, okay!
Talking past the sale.

But if you think my life
is so great, be my guest.

- Take it.
- What?

Pretend to be me.
I can't tell you how many times

I've pretended to be you.

And-And not
just you.

Uh, I've also pretended
to be a thoracic surgeon

uh... a movie producer,
a stockbroker,

and on one occasion,
a hand model.

A hand model?

Blind girl. Long story,
didn't end well.

My point is, you can be
whoever you want to be.

Hmm.

Never thought about it
like that.

Course not. Why would Superman
want to be Clark Kent?

Okay. Know what?
I'm gonna do this.

First thing I need
to do is create

an online presence
for my fictional self.

Mm. That's good.
I usually just throw ketchup

on some scrubs
and say I came from surgery.

Okay. Let's start by creating
a Facebook page.

Uh, all right, if I was
a struggling, broke-ass guy,

what would my name be?

Oh, and keep in mind,
Alan Harper's already taken.

Ooh! H-How about
Derek Slade?

Uh, that's a
little gay.

Um... Preston Burbank?

That's just gay from
a different decade.

Um... Joey Proccosini.

Sounds like the
guy that made

Preston Burbank
his prison bitch.

Oh, uh-uh, how about
your porn name?

My porn name?

You know, when you
want to know

what your name would be
as a porn star,

you use the name
of your first pet,

and the street you grew up on.

Unfortunately, I would be
Rusty Knob.

Mine would be
Snowball Honeysuckle.

That would be a great porn name

if Disney Channel started
making adult movies.

No. It needs to be simple,

like something
easy to believe.

John Doe.

No, it's too simple.

Bob Doe.

No.

It's got to be, like,
right down the middle.

- Sam.
- Doe.

Wilson.
Sam Wilson.

Really? There's got to be, like,
a million Sam Wilsons.

No, exactly. I-I can
get lost in a crowd.

Somebody Googles me,
they'll get a butt-load of responses.

Same thing happens
if you Google "Rusty Knob."

Just FYI: do not hit "Images."

You won't sleep
for a week.

Okay, Sam Wilson,
let's create your life.

Male.

Straight.

Single.

1/8 Apache Indian.

Mix it up a little.

How have I never
heard of this place?

I mean, where else can you buy
pants, shoes, lettuce,

and a garden weasel
under one roof?

It gets better.
On your way out,

you can get a flu shot and
a set of tires at the same price.

This is...
all right,

what would a down-on-his-luck
Sam Wilson wear?

Oh! Maybe something fringed
to reflect his Indian heritage.

He's not joining
the Village People.

Wait, check this out!

A dozen socks for $2.49.

That's 20 cents a pair.
That's ten cents a sock!

I'm so getting these.

But you don't wear socks.

Well, at these prices
I can't afford not to.

All right, looks like
you're getting the hang of this place.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I have a dentist appointment
on aisle 3.

Don't forget to floss
on aisle 2.

A leather jacket for $49.99?

Come to Papa.

Whoa!

Sorry.

Yeah, hang on.
Let me just...

The jacket's on a leash.

I'll just unlock
the security cable here.

Okay, that's better.

That looks really
good on you.

I bet you've said that before.

About 80 times a day, but...
(laughs)

this is the first time
I've meant it.

Yeah, it's nice, but I...

I probably shouldn't. I mean,
for the price of this jacket,

I can buy 240 pairs of socks.

And your Christmas shopping is done.
(chuckles)

Act surprised when you open them.
(laughs)

Yeah, actually, I need to buy
a little bit of everything.

Okay, I can help you out
with that.

I appreciate it... Kate.

Not a problem.

Sam... Sam Wilson.

All right, Sam Wilson.

Um, how about we
start with some...

corduroy pants?

Eh, I'm not a big fan
of corduroy.

They're on sale,
two for $19.99.

People change.

JAKE: Anyway, after it got
ripped off on the barbed wire,

we started calling him
"One Nut Johnson."

Uh... that's terrible.

Well, it could have been worse.

An inch to the right,

and he would have been
"No Johnson Johnson."

Um, uh, you know what?
Why don't we change the subject?

So, um, how are things
with your girlfriend?

Pretty good.

We're finally gonna get
some time alone this weekend.

Her kids are gonna stay
with their dads.

"Dads"? Plural?

Yeah, well, before me,
she picked some real losers.

Sure, sure. Um, so...

...so what's it like,
dating someone with kids?

It's tough.
They're pretty protective.

I mean, I'm the guy
dating their mom.

Makes sense.

But her oldest son's
pretty cool.

He buys me beer.

How old is this woman?

Back off, Dad. She's taken.

No, no, I wasn't... I'm...

You know what?
I'll talk to you later.

- Okay. Bye, Dad.
- Bye.

Yeah... she picked
a real winner this time.

WALDEN:
Check it out.

Whoa! You look like me
when I Photoshop my head

on your body--
I've never done that.

Head to toe, including
undergarments: $32.

(whistles)

Plus the haircut: $232.

- Nice.
- Oh!

Check this out.

(Velcro tearing)

Velcro. Very classy.

It's got a change pouch.

Ooh, you got the deluxe model.

I still can't believe we both
went to the superstore,

You got a hot date and I got
a root canal on the wrong tooth.

I didn't get a date.
Sam Wilson got a date.

You know what?
Switch watches with me.

Why?

'Cause Sam Wilson doesn't
have a $50,000 watch.

Ah, course.
Here you go.

Casio?

I had this watch
in seventh grade!

So did I.

Okay...

Oh, you know what?
We should also switch cars.

Yes! Yes. Oh, and you know
what else we should do?

Uh, you should deposit all
your money in my bank account.

Just trying to help
you out, buddy. (laughs)

Thank you.

Oh, where you taking her?

This, uh, Italian place
in Santa Monica. DiFilipo's.

Oh, you are in luck.
I have a coupon.

(Velcro tears)

Buy one entree,
get one free.

Sweet. Thanks.
(Velcro tears)

And remember, uh, poor guys
don't valet park

unless they're wearing
a red vest.

Got it.

Wow.

$50,000.

What is wrong with me

that I want to masturbate
with this on?

Nothing.

For a man on a budget,
this is a little pricey.

Oh, don't worry.
I have a coupon.

Sexy.

So, Sam, tell me about yourself.

(sighs) There's not much to tell.

Uh, I was born in Iowa.

At age seven, I was taken
away from my parents

and trained to be a
government assassin.

Intriguing.

Oh, it gets better.

It wasn't our government.

And I only found out later,
they weren't my parents.

(laughs)

Which made killing them
that much easier.

Tell me about you.

Well, I had
a fairly typical childhood

in Riverside, California

until my parents were...

killed by an assassin.

I've spent the rest of my life
tracking him down, and...

here we are.

- Gulp.
- Bang.

(laughs)

Well, the Riverside part's true,

and then I spent two years
in New York studying fashion.

- Ah.
- Then I came out here

to design clothes
for the movies.

And how did that go?

I designed this dress
and wore it to the movies.

So the dream is still alive.

Indeed it is.

I got to tell you,
it's refreshing,

talking to someone like you
for a change.

Someone like me?

Yeah, someone who doesn't
take himself too seriously

and who's not constantly
trying to impress me

with how much stuff he's got.

What, so, wait, my coupon
didn't impress you?

(laughs)

Well, I don't
have much stuff.

What you see is
what you get.

And so far
I like what I see.

I like what I see.

(laughs)

Such a shame I'm gonna
have to kill you.

Too late. I already
poisoned your wine.

(laughing)

♪ Men. ♪

Okay, you see the Big Dipper?
Yeah.

All right, you see the
last star on the handle?

Follow that five stars
to the right.

- Okay.
- Up three.

- Got it.
- Two to the left and down one.

- Uh-huh.
- That's my star.

I got it for Christmas
when I was 12 years old.

That's sweet.

Yeah, sure, now.

When I was 12
I wanted a dirt bike.

(laughs)

Can't pop a wheelie
on a star.

(laughs)

I'm kind of glad
your car broke down.

Me, too.

You want to make
a wish on my star?

I already did.

(car horn honks)

For crying
out loud, Sam,

when you going to buy
a decent car?

Kate, this is
my friend Alan.

Thanks so much
for picking us up.

Yeah, this clown rents
a room from me,

suddenly I'm running
a taxi service.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
My car is a piece of crap.

Of course, I don't do
myself any favors

by never changing
the oil-- ever.

Well, I like your car.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Uh, so Sam tells me
you have a beach house.

I do. I do.
It's gorgeous.

Uh,
it very expensive,

but I bought it at the
bottom of the market

and then I sold it and bought it again
at the top of the market

simply because I can.

Well, I'm sure at some point
you'll sell it again

and we'll go
our separate ways.

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm gonna die in that house.

Oh, and, uh, that reminds me,
uh, your rent is late again.

Right, I'll have it
for you tomorrow.

Today would be better.

Fine, today.

He's a good kid.

Give you the shirt
off his back.

It's a crappy shirt,
but he'll give it to you.

Oh, oh,
would you look at the time?

(chuckles)
It is almost 10:00.

I-I can tell
'cause the, uh,

the big hand is near
the big diamond.

Check it out.

Yeah, it's nice.

Damn right.

So, Kate, Sam tells me
you're poor like him.

I had a really
nice time tonight.

Me, too,

but what's
with this guy Alan?

Oh, I'm sorry.

He recently came
into a lot of money

and he's not really
handling it well.

Not handling it well?

He's a big, fizzy douche.

I mean, the way
he was showing off his car.

Geez, how small is his penis?

Those two things
aren't always related.

Okay, I-I don't know, that watch

is definitely overcompensating
for something.

Some people just like
nice stuff,

even people
with really big penises.

Well, everyone likes nice stuff,

but he didn't have to be
such a jackass about it.

I know, but, I mean,
he's helping me out,

letting me live with him.

I get it.

It still doesn't give him
the right

to treat you the way he does.

You should say something.

Oh, I intend to.

You know, before he arrived,

I was about to do something.

So was I.

(horn honking)

ALAN:
Come on, Sam!

Time is money, and
you're out of both.

You're right. He's
a big, fizzy douche.

Hey, looking good.

Where you going?

Oh, I'm packing a picnic
for me and Kate.

We're going to a free concert
in the park.

It's a Van Halen tribute band.

Well, actually,
it's not a band.

It's just a guy named Dan Halen.

Unbelievable. You're having fun
living my life.

I've never had that experience.

Well, it's all
because of Kate.

And the best part is,
she likes me for me.

Uh, technically,
she likes you for me.

Which is ironic 'cause
she doesn't like you at all.

So, uh, what's the plan here?

- What do you mean?
- Well,

I mean, this girl's been dating
Sam Wilson for a couple of weeks.

When are you going to
introduce her to Walden Schmidt?

I don't know.

Haven't really thought
that far ahead.

Actually, I'm kind of afraid
to think that far ahead.

How long do you think
you can keep up

this Prince and the Pauper charade?

How long do you think you can
keep living here for free?

Godspeed, Sam Wilson.

♪ Men.

(both sigh)

(laughs)

Well, that was fun on a budget.

Mm.

Yeah, we certainly got more
bang for our buck, didn't we?

(laughter)
(phone chimes)

Oh. I'm sorry. I just...

Oh.

(sighs)

Ah, great.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Alan wants me

to pick up some hemorrhoid cream
on the way home.

Well, he is a
pain in the ass.

(laughs)

He's not that bad.

Oh, yeah? Then why don't
we ever spend the night

at his Malibu
beach house?

He doesn't like it
when I have guests.

Douche.

You should move out.

Can't afford to.

Well, um,

maybe you could crash here.

What... what are you saying,

like... move in?

Yeah, just until you have enough
money to afford your own place.

That might be a while.

I knew I shouldn't have bought
that Dan Halen T-shirt.

(laughs)

So, what, we'd be,
like, roommates?

With benefits.

Oh. I like the sound
of benefits.

Good, 'cause they include
washing the dishes

and taking out the trash.

Okay, clearly we differ
in our definition of "benefits."

(laughs)

Can I think about it?

By all means.

Mmm.

Okay, I got to tell you,

you are much better kisser
than Alan.

- Are you sure about this?
- Mm.

It's like Dan Halen says,
"Might as well jump."

Well, when are
you coming back?

I don't know.

Walden, have you really
thought this through?

I know it's crazy, but I got to
see where this goes with Kate.

All right, I'm just concerned
about my friend.

I appreciate that.

I'm gonna be fine.

Mm. Good luck.

And, uh, don't worry
about anything here.

Yeah. Thanks, buddy.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Finally, you're mine!
You're all mine!

♪ Men.

♪ Men.

So my porn name would be
Snowball Honeysuckle.

(laughs)

Oh, that is so cute.

I would download every
one of your films.

What would yours be?

Beebo Eighty-ninth Street.

- Guess it's not a foolproof system.
- Mm.

Hey, I have
to ask you a question.

He was a fish.

Thanks, but no.
Um...

Why are you with me?

What kind of a
question is that?

I don't know. Just,
I don't have much to offer,

and a beautiful,
smart girl like you

could probably get
any guy she wants.

But I did get
the guy I want.

Good answer.

(laughs)

- Just promise me one thing.
- What's that?

That we're always
honest with each other.

No secrets, no lies.

You got it.

- Good night, Kate.
- Good night, Sam.

(sighing)

- Kate?
- Yeah?

I'm a billionaire.

Of course you are,
Snowball.

Hey, you kids,

get off my beach!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by ryangiggsth