Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 10, Episode 1 - I Changed My Mind About the Milk - full transcript

Walden weighs his options after his elaborate marriage proposal featuring fireworks and Michael Bolton fails.

So to make a long story short...

...they say it's my fault for leaving
the pistol on the seat of the jeep.

I say it's the general's fault
for sitting on it.

But either way,
I'm not allowed to have a gun for a while.

And a weary nation
breathes a sigh of relief.

Yeah, terrific. Uh, so they've
got you working in the kitchen?

Yeah, we call it the mess.

That corn's not gonna
cream itself, Harper!

Uh, yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Ah. Gotta go. Back to work defending
our nation against terrorists and whatnot.

Take care of yourself, buddy.

Don't worry, Dad.

I'm being all I can be.


Yeah. Seems like just yesterday he was
an adorable, chubby-cheeked little boy...

...catching a Frisbee
on the beach in Santa Monica.

Now he's a fuzz-faced buck private
catching the clap from a whore in Tijuana.

Hey, guys. What do you think?

Oh, yummy.

You look like a maitre d' in heaven.

- What's the occasion?
- It's Zoey's birthday.

Oh. Say happy birthday.
What are you giving her?

The rest of my life.

- Beg your pardon?
- I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

- Hello.
- Are you serious?


Wow. Wow. That's, uh...

- Um...
- What he's trying to say is:

Once you're married,
where's he gonna live?

No. Stop, please.

No, what I'm trying to say is,
I think it's wonderful...

...and I'm very happy for you.

I figured, "Why not?"

I mean, I love her, I love her daughter.

Yeah. It's win-win for everybody. Heh.

Gonna miss you.

Hey, I don't wanna get ahead of myself...

...but I hoped you'd be my best man.

Oh. Uh...

I'd be honored
to be the best man at your wedding.

- What's so funny?
- You wouldn't be the best man... the Dinah Shore Golf Classic.

You can be the maid of honor.

- Okay, I gotta go.
- Good luck with Zoey.

Oh, thanks. But I mean...

...come on.

How about that? Kid's getting married.

Yeah. Crazy, huh?

If I looked like him,
I wouldn't take myself off the market.

Is that so?

Oh, yeah. I'd be out there every night
wearing my penis down to a nub.

It'd look like a golf pencil.

Hey, a golf pencil does
a lot of scoring, lady.

This is magnificent. Heh.

- As are you.
- Hmm.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Zoey... life is so much
better with you in it.

Aww... Heh.

The first time I saw you, it was like...


- Did you do...?
- I did.

And when I hear your voice...'s like music.



God, Walden, all this for my birthday?

Not just for your birthday.

You see, Zoey...

...when a man loves a woman...

...he can't keep his mind on nothing else.

Okay, I'm totally lost now.

He'd give up all his comforts...

...and sleep out in the rain
if she said that's the way it ought to be.

- Wait, that's from some song.
- No, no, no. Not some song.

A great song.

Bolton, you're up.

When a man loves a woman

He can't keep his mind on nothing else

He'd trade the world

Get up, get up.

Stop it.

Zoey Hyde-Tottingham-Pierce.

If she's bad, he can't see it

Will you do me the honor of becoming...

...Zoey Hyde-Tottingham-Pierce-Schmidt?

Turn his back on his best friend

If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman

Deep down in his soul

No, I'm sorry. I can't do it.

She can...


When a man loves a woman

Shut up, Bolton!

So after they get married,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Oh, Alan, don't be coy.

If you want to come live with me,
just ask.

- Can I come live with you? Heh.
- No.

Oh, come on, Mom,
I'm gonna be homeless.

Once he marries her,
I'll be on the street.

Try to pick a street in Beverly Hills
so I can visit you.

Does this guy belong to you?

Michael Bolton?

Hi, Alan.

Yes, bring him in.

What happened?

She said no.

Oh, Walden, I am so sorry.

Thank you.

Yeah, when I proposed,
she just ran out of the restaurant.

Now she won't return my calls
or e-mails or texts.

It's like she's ignoring me
across the entire digital spectrum.

It's like she's Amish.

So you went out drinking
and ended up picking up Michael Bolton?

No, I hired him to sing
while I was proposing.

I should have gone with Josh Groban.

Wait, you're gonna blame me for this?

I'm gonna call her again.

Oh, my stars.

Michael Bolton.

I have a vibrator named after you.

Zoey, why don't you answer?

Was it something I did?

Was the ring not big enough?

Was it Bolton?



Screw it, I'm not just gonna sit around here.
Come on, Bolton. Let's go find her.

I'm not gonna go looking for your girlfriend.
Why don't you see if Groban's available?

Hey, I bought and paid for your ass
until 10:00.

It's 10:01, so now you can kiss it.

Fine. I'll just drive myself.

Oh, no, no. Hang on, hang on.
You can't drive. I'll take you.

See, you're a good friend.

You're dead to me.

I can't believe the things I do for money.

You won't believe the things
I'll do for free.

I really think you ought to wait
until tomorrow to do this.

No. No.

- I need to know why.
- Not a good idea.

It's like asking a woman
why she won't sleep with you.

You always hope it's because you're too big
and you'll ruin her for other men.

But it's usually because she sobered up
and got a good look at you.

Oh... Walden. Ugh.

"Ugh." That's the sound they make.

We need to talk.

Can we do this tomorrow?

Let me use a word that you're fond of:


Have you been drinking?

Let me use a word that you're not fond of:


- She's right. You can come back tomorrow.
- No.

I'm not leaving until I get an answer.

- Walden, please.
- Zoey, I need an answer.

Oh, it's complicated.


Peeing with morning wood is complicated.

True. Heh. That thing
is like a water wiggle.

Once, I shorted out
a light socket in the ceiling.

- I've done that.
- Yeah.

Saying yes to someone
who loves you more than life itself... not complicated.

Fine. Do you really want to know?

- I really wanna know.
- Oh, hang on, hang on. Okay, okay.

This is an example
of what I was talking about.

When a woman says,
"Do you really want to know?"

You think you want to know,
but trust me, you don't.

No, I really wanna know.

There's someone else.

You're right. I did not wanna know.

It's someone I was involved with
many years ago.

And he's having a very, very rough time
and he needs me.


Well, that clears it up.

Hey, if you like hanging out with guys
who are down on their luck...

...why don't you just shack up
with my loser friend?

- Um, I'm actually not available.
- Oh...

Wait a minute, there's another guy?

- Yep.
- Better than Walden?

- Apparently.
- I'm sorry.

Unless this new guy can fly around
the room and shoot fire out his ass...

...that bitch is crazy.

- Hey.
- Well, hey.

Look who's finally up.
How you feeling, buddy?

A little hungover.

Berta, you got any pot brownies?

Until they cure glaucoma.


Want a glass of milk or something
to wash that down with?

No, I'm good. Thanks.

Um, instead of getting loaded,
maybe you wanna talk about it?

What is there to talk about, Alan?

She's with another guy.

No, I changed my mind about the milk.

I mean, how can another guy
give her anything that I can't give her?

Maybe he doesn't talk with his mouth full.

You know what?

I don't think another guy
can give her anything I can't.

- Well, you're probably right.
- Probably?


You know what?
Let's just make a list.

Okay, here we go. Look at this.

Walden. And the other guy.

Let's just call him Dick.

Okay. Ability to provide.

Walden, billionaire.

Dick? Less.

That's one point for me.

- Okay, looks.
- You win.

Thank you, Berta.

I didn't wanna say so myself.
Oh, there. Humility.

That's two more checks for me.

Okay. What else?
Oh, just all-around great guy.

Everybody likes me.

Who likes Dick?

- Um...
- Berta, please.

Oh, God.

Zoey likes Dick.

Who am I kidding?

Zoey loves Dick!

Oh. Hey, hey.

Take it easy.

I miss her, Alan.

Just the way she looks at me.

Her smile.

Sure, sure.

Her hair.

Her cute little butt.

Hello, sailor. Heh.

Just the way our bodies
just fit perfectly together.

Damn, I should have hugged him.

Trust me, buddy, a stranger in your bed is
not gonna chase away the memory of Zoey.

What do you suggest I do?

Well, what usually helps me
is a bottle of supermarket vodka...

...and masturbating
using my tears as lubricant.

So I'm just supposed to accept
being alone forever?

Hey, you will never be alone
because I will never leave you.

- Thanks.
- Can't get rid of me.

I'm like a dry cough.

You know, you might be onto something.

Maybe I should just give up women.

We should go gay.

Ha-ha. Good one. Heh.

No, I'm serious.


Okay, okay. If we're gonna do it,
we gotta do it right.

We'll get married in New Hampshire...

...uh, register at Pottery Barn,
adopt a Chinese baby.

Oh, we can wear scarves at our wedding.

- You would look great in a scarf.
- It hides the turkey neck.

We live together, we like each other,
we're halfway there.

Mailman already thinks we're gay.

Yeah, he does. I mean...

At night, we could sit out on the deck
and grill up a couple steaks.

Steaks? Who are we kidding? Seared ahi.

- Oh, better.
- Maybe some couscous?

- Oh, I love couscous.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Then after dinner,
we could go inside and watch the game.

- Or if the game's a blowout, Project Runway.
- Yeah.

Yeah. What do you think?

Mr. And Mr. Walden Schmidt.

So I would take your name?
Why wouldn't we take my name?

Because I'm the breadwinner.

So you think making a home isn't work?

I am sorry.

We'll hyphenate.

- Schmidt-Harper.
- Harper-Schmidt.

- Fine.
- I'll order the towels.

So listen, um...

...would we be, uh,
having sex like guys do?

Oh, I would. You'd be having sex
more like a woman does.


- Problem?
- No, I'm open to it.

No pun intended.


Look, I'm willing to take one for the team.
It's just if this doesn't work out...

...I'd have to know
I'm gonna be provided for.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means I'm not signing a prenup.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

No, help yourself.


Forget what I said
about giving up women.

- Oh, yeah. I was just goofing.
- Hi. I'm Walden.

So close.

I told you I had a big backyard.

You didn't tell me it was so...


Yeah, I gotta get my sprinklers checked.

This happens every day.


Are you okay?

Yeah, I think so.

No, I don't think so.

Are you as high as I am?

I'm pretty baked. Heh.

You're also pretty pretty.



Are you ready to get freaky?

I am way ahead of you.


You must think I'm awfully easy.

No, I think you're wonderfully easy.

Uh-oh, here we go again.

I didn't expect anything like
this to happen...

...when I went to a bar alone
in a short skirt and no underwear.

Ah, jeez.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I'm...

I'm just coming out of a bad breakup
so I'm a little shaky.

That's okay.

I know how to make you forget her.


Still thinking about your girlfriend?

No. It's my ex-wife this time.


Let's try again.


Mm. Mm.





No, keep, keep...
Can we just hold on for a second?

Am I doing something wrong?

No. No, I... Um...

I might just be a little too high.

Okay, let's slow it down.
I got nowhere to be.


I could kiss you all night long.

I could have made him scream like that.

I'm really sorry.

Me too.

I don't usually
mistake the women I'm sleeping with...

...for adult-contemporary pop artists.

That's new.

I need air.

All right, no pot for a while.

Oh, Walden.

It wasn't the pot.

Will you please just get out of my head?

Yelling's not gonna solve your problems,

- Oh... Damn it.
- Women leaving, that's your problem.

Not right now, it isn't.

It was my fault, really.

Oh, great.

I was the first to abandon him.

Oh, you didn't abandon him.
You had a career.

Ha. Tell him that.

Would just...
Just all of you just leave me alone!

Go away, I tell you! Go away!

No way I'm signing a prenup.


Just get out of my head!

Just leave me alone!