Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell - full transcript

Alan and Jake move into Charlie's beach-house permanently, ex Judith even helps arrange Jake's room. When the kid gets sick and insists on getting nursed 'at home' by his mother (who ruthlessly refuses any reconciliation move), Alan feels like a 'total failure', comparing himself to another guinea-pig which didn't survive Jake's neglect. Charlie takes Alan drinking and, when drunk, both of them conclude (with the help of the taxi driver) that the root of the brothers' problems is their mother, so she gets a nightly, yet ill-planned visit.

If you've got bugs

If you've got ants

If you've got bugs and flies and
slugs and things that crawl

We're here!

- Mom, come see my room!
- I'll be right there, honey!

- Hey, Uncle Charlie.
- Hi, shorty!

Hello, Charlie.

Hi, Judith. What're you doing here?

If you must know, I'm here to help
Jake set up his room,

so he feels like nothing's changed.

Really? You don't think he'll notice
his dad's living here

and his mom's dating chicks?

Could you say that a little louder?
Jake might not have heard you.

Just for the record, I'm not
dating anyone,

and I threw your brother out 'cause
he was sucking the life out of me.

Could you say that a little louder?

Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet!

I don't suppose that's a
Rubenesque 19-year-old girl.

Porky's his pet guinea pig.

You're bringing vermin into my house?

Uncle Charlie, check him out!
Isn't he awesome?


See those little black things?
That's his poop.


I don't want him in the water this
weekend. He might have an ear infection.

Oh, Mom.

No, it's okay, pal.
We can go to Disneyland.

We'll have a great weekend.

We can play miniature golf, go bowling,
bike riding, whatever you want.

Alan, relax, you're starting to
sound like a tampon commercial.

Jake, why don't you go put Porky
in your room?


Alan, I'm very concerned.
He's just a child.

I don't know if he
can deal with this.

Give your son some credit.
He's an incredible kid.

I was talking about you.

- That's fair.
- Yeah.

Charlie? That strange lady
from down the beach is back.

Yeah, she's here to baby-sit.

Come again?

I thought we'd go out and have a drink.

You want me to leave my son with the
whack job who's been stalking you

since your one night stand?

You try and find a
baby-sitter on a Friday night.

It's okay, Alan.
Charlie and I talked and I understand

that we're just friends,
and that it is not okay for me

to sneak into his house
and lick all his silverware.

As reassuring as that sounds,
we can't go out tonight.

We're getting up early to
go to Disneyland.


Yeah. I thought that maybe
you'd want to come with us.

Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one
small rodent in my house.

Why would I drive fifty miles
to see their kingdom?

I'll go!

Maybe some other time, Rose. It turns out
we're not gonna need a babysitter tonight.

No problem.
I'm gonna take this seat cushion, okay?

Knock yourself out.

Why does she want your seat cushion?

I don't know why she brought it,
I don't know why she's taking it.

Okay, then, I'll see you later.

Wait, you're still going out?

Yeah. Why?

I thought you wanted us
to spend some time together.



What're you thinking? 10, 15 minutes?

- Go.
- Thanks.

Good morning, Uncle Charlie.

Morning, Porky.

Did you have sweet dreams?

Jake, rule number one.
Uncle Charlie does not like

to start his day with a
squealing creature in his face.

Sorry. Grandma's here.
She wants you to come down.

Okay, you're not listening.

Rule number one...

This is a list of the top divorce
attorneys in Los Angeles.

I've made appointments for you
with each of them.

I don't need to meet any attorneys.
I'm not getting a divorce.

I'm sure you don't think so.

The point is, if you consult with all

the good lawyers, it's a conflict of
interest for them to represent Judith.

She'll be stuck with some ambulance-
chasing clown from Van Nuys

who will fold like an origami swan.

I don't want this to be...

Mommy busted her hump on this, Alan.

Thank you?


Is that all you have to say
for yourself?

You haven't returned any
of my calls this week.

It's all I can do to not imagine you
lying dead in a ditch somewhere.

Right back at ya, Mom.

What did you want to talk about?

Too late. I'm not speaking to you.

- All right.
- Would you like to know why?

No, I trust your judgment.

Because when your
brother's marriage ended,

yes, I know, Alan, blah, blah, blah,

and he chose to move in here, your
coldness towards your mother

became more than just the behavior
of an ungrateful son.

It's now an obstacle to my spending
quality time with my beloved grandchild.

Are you coming to Disneyland with us,

Darling, Grandma doesn't do Anaheim.

We'd better hit the road. Try to beat
the traffic. Thanks for dropping by, Mom.

Let's go, Jake.
I'll race you to the car.

- Bye, Grandma. Bye, Uncle Charlie.
- Bye.

Wait for me, I'm going!

Come on, boy. Heel. Stay. Now, stay.

Who's a good dog? Oh, yeah!

Hey, Jake, you want to take him?

Whatever. Come on, leash.

Get ready for bed.
I'll be right in to tuck you in.

Happiest place on earth,
my snow white ass.

I had a good time.

Oh, really?
Which part did you like best?

The equatorial heat, the endless
lines, or the large German woman that

threw up on me in the Teacup?

Maybe things could have gone smoother,
but tomorrow's gonna make up for it.

Alan, you could get us all laid
tomorrow, it's not gonna make up for it.

Hey, sleepy head. You're just in time.
Your pancakes are almost ready.

I'm not hungry.

Not hungry?
Come on, you've gotta fuel up that engine.

- We've got a big day planned.
- My ear hurts.

Oh, no.

Let me feel. Yeah, you're a little warm.

Probably another ear infection.

Okay, new plan.

We'll get you on the antibiotics,
we'll watch a little TV,

play some video games.
We'll have a great day.

I want to go home.

You are home.

I know, but the real one, with Mom.

Okay, I understand that.
You know, when a guy's feeling sick,

he needs his mom. Right, Charlie?


I may not be the one to ask.

Okay, I'll, call your mom and,
tell her we're on our way.

All right, it's just you and me now.
Are you really sick, or are you just

fakin' it to get out of another
fun-filled afternoon?

I'm really sick.

Just checking.
Because I was gonna fake it.

If your home is bug infested
filled with spiders, flies or gnats

All our sprays are safety tested
we kill vermin, not your cats

Hey. How's the jingle coming?

The lyrics are fine,
the music needs a little work.

How's Jake?

He'll be okay.
I stayed over at the house a little while.

We watched some movies,
I made us some soup and a couple of

and Judith suggested I take mine to go.


She started my car and threw my
sandwich in the back seat.

That's rough.

Listen, I'm afraid I got some more
bad news for you.

No, gosh, I forgot to bring Porky back.

See, that's the thing.
Nothing's bringing Porky back.

What? Porky's dead?

"Buh-dee, buh-dee, buh-dee,
that's all folks! "

Oh, God.

It's okay.
We can get Jake another guinea pig.

Jake will be fine.
This is his fourth Porky in three years.

He goes through them faster than shoes.

No, this is about my life.

Everything is going to hell.

Okay, well, don't cry.
We can still be friends.


I'm sorry. It's the only thing I know to
say when someone cries around here.

I am so sorry, Porky.

You just kept running around
in your little cage,

trying to make everybody
happy. And what do you get?

You get dead.

You do know the pig can't hear you,

Don't you get it? I am the pig!

Okay. I'm just asking, because your
reaction doesn't seem very healthy to me.

And what do you think would be healthy,

I don't know. Why don't we toss Porky
in the ocean and go get bombed?

How could you?


Toss him in the ocean. Very clever.

Who knew pelicans eat guinea pigs?

What's happening?

Sunday's Tequila Night at Pavlov's.

Every time the bell rings,
you gotta take a shot.


'Cause the bell rings.


You gotta bark first.


when my son looked at me and told me
that he wanted to go "home",

that broke my heart.

I saw.

You know, my kid is sick,
and I can't even be with him.

You know, I'm a failure, Charlie.
I'm a failure as a father,

I'm a failure as a husband.

You didn't fail.
First of all, that little boy loves you.

Second of all, just because your wife
decides she doesn't like

sleeping with men, doesn't mean
you've failed as a husband.

Although, I wouldn't brag about it.

You're right. This is Judith's fault.

She's the one who breached our
marriage contract asunder.

And I let her make decisions that
should have been in my dominion.

Alan, people are gonna do whatever
they're gonna do in this world.

The only thing a man can control
is his own actions.

I don't remember where we left our car.

This isn't our car?

Where to?


- And that would be?
- Sherman Oaks.

We don't live in Sherman Oaks.

I do. I am a Sherman Oaksian and I am

going home for as to reclaim my home.

That's a very bad idea.
I'll tell you what's a good idea.

Chili cheese fries and a large root
beer. With chili cheese fries.

And girls.

No. I am going home to my wife

to impose my dominion over her.

Yeah. The lesbians love that.

Driver! Sherman Oaks!

1167, Bonnie Meadow Drive.

Goodbye, Charlie.
I'll be back for my things tomorrow.

Thank you, driver.
You've been most kind.

So, back to Malibu?

No. Let's give it a second.

Did you know they put
chocolate pudding in tubes now?

No, I did not.

They do. My nephew eats them.

They're surprisingly good.

You know, that's an interesting
sibling dynamic

you've got goin' with your
brother there.

You get that I'm loaded, right?


So? How'd it go?

She chased me out of the house
with a golf club.

Taking up golf already.

What was it like, a six iron?

What difference does it make?

I just want to be able to
tell the story accurately.

It's not funny.

Then why are you laughing?

Because I don't know what else to do.

I wish I could ask Dad for advice.

You'd go to Dad for marriage counseling?

Alan, our father committed suicide
to get away from our mother.

What're you talking about? Dad didn't
commit suicide. He died of food poisoning.

I maintain that he knew the fish was
bad, but he kept eating it anyway.

Your mother sounds like
a real piece of work.

You have no idea, my friend.

My mother took my baby brother
and dipped him in sissy sauce

and turned him into the people-pleasing
control freak you see today.

That's right!
And she made him so scared of intimacy

that he has just this
endless stream of gorgeous girls

running in and out of his life.

Damn her.

You know, many psychologists agree,
until the core maternal relationship

is resolved, most men are doomed to
repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.

Just drive the cab, Doctor Phil.

You know what, Charlie? He's not wrong.

At some point,
we have to stand up to her.

Look who's got beer muscles
all of a sudden.

No, I'm serious. Come on. Right now.

Let's confront her.
You with me? Come on!

Oh, my God.

I can't believe it!
You really are afraid of Mom!

I am not.

All these years,
I thought you were so cool.

But you're just a big clucking chicken!



Okay, that's it.
We have a new destination.

Beverly Hills.

You got an address?

Just go east on Sunset until
you reach the Gates of Hell.

She'll buzz us in.

I can't wait to see her face.

She's gonna freak.

You ready?

Ring the bell.

Who is it?

It's your sons!

Charlie and Alan.

Hi, Mom.

Dear God. Hold on. I'll be right there.

Okay, what exactly are we
gonna say to her?

Now you ask? This was your safari.

We're here to resolve the core
maternal thing.

Wait, I'll go ask the cabbie.

Nice try.

Somebody better be dead.

Porky's dead.

And you completely screwed up our lives.

I'm sorry?

- That's good enough for me.
- Yeah, I'm good.

Driver, drive!

Good morning, sunshine.

God. Close the drapes.

Hey, what's this?
"Release and indemnification form. "


Were you on some kind of
television show last night?

I don't think so.

You and your brother signed it.

Let me see that.


Alan, wake up.

We got a problem.

"Taxicab Confessions?"

If you've got bugs

If you've got ants

If you've got bugs and flies and
slugs and things that crawl

Ain't that Beethoven?

I don't even know how my wife
is gonna be a lesbian.

She hates oral sex.

Hates it!