Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 20 - Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark - full transcript

Hey, Judith. There's the rock star.
Ready for a fun weekend?

Leave me alone.

Musicians.

Alan, that child is driving me insane.

Like father like son, huh?

Really, that bad?

He's been sullen and uncooperative for
days. I think he needs to see someone.

What, you mean like a shrink?

No, Alan, I mean like a blacksmith.

This is clearly a reaction
to our divorce.

He's not processing his emotions
in a healthy way,



and I think therapy
could help unblock him.

- Where did you get that?
- From my therapist.

Who's working wonders with you.

Excuse me?

Who's working wonders with you.

All he does is sit in his room and play
that damn thing. He's isolating, Alan.

That doesn't mean
he needs to see a therapist.

He's a normal 11-year-old kid
who happens to be a little grumpy.

And I'm a normal 35-year-old mother
who is running out of patience.

And by patience I mean Prozac.

Wait a minute.
You can't still be 35, because...

He's getting pretty good at that.

Yeah, well get used to it.

Charlie, what are you doing?



Smoke on the Water.

Okay.

It's not cute anymore.

Make him stop.

You're the one who bought him
the guitar, Charlie.

The bed is vibrating so much up there
I'm no longer necessary.

Well, I'm sorry my son's interrupted
your afternoon debauchery,

but I think he's upset about something.

- What's he upset about?
- I don't know.

I was just giving him a little space
before I talked to him.

You want me to talk to him?

Sure, and I'll finish for you upstairs.

This is a father's job.

Tell him I just need, like, 20 minutes.

Can I come in?

It really sounds like
you've got your mojo working.

But let's try to turn it down now, okay?

What'd you do that for?

Because I love you,
and I don't want that to change.

So how was your week?

Okay.

Anything I need to know?

- Anything bothering you?
- No.

You sure? 'Cause it seems like
something's bothering you.

Okay, you wanna know
what's bothering me?

Yeah.

People keep on asking me
what's bothering me.

- Okay. I won't ask.
- Good.

- You know, when I was your age...
- Oh, man!

Okay, forget that.

- Problems at school?
- No.

- Problems with Mom?
- No.

Because I understand there's some
things a guy doesn't want to

- talk with his mom about.
- Like what?

Well, you know, girl problems,
or somebody's picking on you.

Or you're the only guy in gym class
without hair on his testicles.

She sobered up on you, huh?

No, I'm just being a good host.
And, yeah, a little bit.

- Man.
- Did you figure out what his problem is?

No, but we determined mine
was late-onset puberty.

You were a Mexican hairless,
weren't you?

Did you check to see if he's
constipated?

His mother and I
are going through a divorce,

and there's a lot of emotions
he hasn't processed.

Maybe so, but there's also a lot of
string cheese he hasn't processed.

You know, Judith thinks
he needs to see a therapist.

Why,
'cause it's working so good for her?

Charlie, that's uncalled for.

Come on. The kid's problem is he's 11.

He can't drive, he can't drink,
and his mother picks out all his clothes.

Be thankful he's not in the garage
biting the heads off of chickens.

But this isn't like him.

Trust your first instinct.

Just give him a little space,
and probably by this time tomorrow...

I will have killed him.

Not bad. But why don't you try fretting
the "E" and the "A" string together?

I like my way.

Cool.

What did you do that for?

Look, I'm really happy you've taken up
an instrument,

and I'll be even happier
when you learn an actual song.

But right now, let's just take a little
pause for the cause.

What do you want?

Nothing.
I just thought we could hang out.

A couple of musicians taking five.

Just chilling.

Nothing's bothering me.

That's cool. I'm not trying to harsh
your mellow.

I know there are certain things a guy
doesn't want to talk to his parents about.

- Like what?
- I don't know.

Peer pressure. Bullies.

Skipping class to drive to Tijuana
with the school nurse.

I'm telling you, my youngest once ate
a whole can of Play-Doh.

Stopped her up for two weeks.

Berta, please.

Finally, pooped out an ashtray.

That's the day I quit smoking.

Any luck?

The little snothead kicked me
out of his room.

Welcome to the club.

Yeah, but I'm the cool uncle.

And I'm the uncool dad?

Don't get defensive.
You did the best you could.

That kid has nothing to complain about.

He's never been spanked,
he's never even been yelled at.

And even while my marriage was
collapsing, he always came first.

Well, I'm glad you're not defensive.

He has a great life.
He gets everything he wants,

I deny him nothing. Oh, my God,
what have I done to my son?

Alan, I was kidding.
You're a terrific father.

- You think so?
- Yes, I do.

You're right. I'm always too quick
to blame myself.

- Yes, you are.
- It's his mother's fault.

Attaboy!

Would you like me
to make you a snack, Jake?

I'm not hungry.

You sure?
We've got some pizza left from dinner.

Alan, ease up. He said he's not hungry.

You'll eat when you want to, right?

Would you please not talk?
I'm trying to watch.

This show is stupid.

You're right. Here. You pick something.

Thanks.

Cool uncle.

Stupid.

Boring.

Stupid.

Seen it.

Stupid.

Really stupid.

Stupid.

Dumb.

Stupid.

All right!

Pick a stupid show and live with it.

- Forget it, I'll just go to my room.
- Jake, wait.

Nice going, cool uncle.

Now it's my fault?

Let me tell you something,
between you and your whacko wife,

I'm an oasis of normality around here.

Are you ever gonna come back upstairs?

I'm still an oasis.

Morning.

Morning. Did your guest leave?

No, she's sleeping in.
Please do not let me forget again.

Perhaps you should put a Post-it Note
on your penis.

Yeah, but then I'd have to take down
the sign for the yard sale.

Buddy, I made silver dollar pancakes.

I'm not hungry.

- Come on, they're your favorite.
- I said no.

You know what I was thinking?

Maybe later, we could have a jam session.
You on guitar, me on piano.

I'd rather watch cartoons.

- What is your problem?
- Charlie, calm down.

I'm sorry, but when I was his age,
I had to walk five blocks

in the rain to have a jam session.

Yeah, well,
yelling at him isn't gonna help.

I was thinking that maybe the three of us
could go out and do something fun today.

You want fun?

Let's take him to the Rose Bowl Swap
Meet and see what we can get for him.

Or, we could be patient

and maybe eventually he'll tell us
what's bothering him.

Where's my grandson?

Or, we could scare it out of him.

Granted, I don't know what it's like
to be an 11-year-old boy,

but I do know one thing, sweetheart.

You have no idea
what real unhappiness is.

Real unhappiness is
being totally ignored

by the very people you gave birth to.

Real unhappiness is when
you're recovering from liposuction

and your only grandson doesn't even
send you a get-well card.

And FYI, I only had that surgery so
you wouldn't have a grandmommy

with matronly upper arms.

Well, if he didn't need a shrink before,
he needs one now.

I'm telling you,
you're spoiling the kid.

I didn't have a shrink
when I was Jake's age,

and my childhood was
twice as screwed up as his.

I mean, you're a little cuckoo, Judith.

But compared to our mother,
you're like a fart in a hurricane.

Mom never took you to see Dr. Demerest?

- You got to see a shrink?
- Just a couple of times.

For the night terrors, agoraphobia,
and bed-wetting.

Did it work?

I can pee outside in the dark.
You be the judge.

You know, Charlie,
if you think I'm cuckoo,

simply because I want to help my child
express his feelings,

well,
then I think you have a big problem.

So, Jake. How you liking
that bean bag chair, huh?

- You comfy?
- It's okay.

'Cause we could sit in the little chairs.

You know, sometimes I like to sit
in a little chair.

Makes me feel like a giant.

Hello, Jake.

Well, I can barely see you from up here.

Do you sometimes feel like a small,
insignificant person

in a world full of giants?

Not really.

Well, maybe that's just me.

So anyhow, I was hoping we could talk
for a little bit.

Draw some pictures,
maybe play some games.

Do you like puppets?

Not really.

Neither do I.

But sometimes they help

when I'm in a bad mood!

I hope she gets him
to talk about the divorce.

Yeah, it's a traumatic thing to see
his father kicked out of his house.

It wasn't exactly healthy for him to see
the life being sucked out of his mother.

Excuse me. But that was going on for
years, and he was still a happy little boy.

"He stuck in his thumb
and pulled out a blank. "

Plum, right?

It would be nice if you took a little
responsibility for Jake's problems.

She's right, Charlie.

- Me? What did I do?
- You taught him how to gamble.

You brought strange women
into the house.

You taught him how to curse in Italian.

Your drinking sets a bad example.

Let's get one thing straight.

I taught him how to curse in Spanish.

Okay. Well, Jake and I
had a wonderful talk.

And now I'd like to speak
with the grownups.

Aren't you coming in, Charlie?

No, I'm still trying to find
the toothbrush in the tree here.

Is this Uncle Charlie?

Well, I definitely want to talk
with Uncle Charlie.

Thanks a lot!

No, please, make yourselves comfortable.

Okay, well, Jake and I
had a very nice little talk.

I invited him to share his feelings
with me in a confidential,

non-threatening context.

And after hearing everything
he had to say,

I must tell you very frankly...

Who am I kidding, I got nothing.

That's it?
$150 an hour for "I got nothing"?

It's $175. But that's not really
the point now, is it?

- What did he tell you?
- He claims nothing's bothering him.

He claims there's nothing wrong,
but when I probed just a little bit,

he told me to besa mi culo.

You see? Spanish.

I hope you're proud of yourself,
Charlie.

He's not a sulky little jerk-wad
'cause he learned a second language.

- See what my son's been living with?
- Only because she threw me out.

What? I have a right to be happy.

Speaking of which,
did I leave that girl at the house?

Shut up, Charlie.

- Don't tell me to shut up.
- Calm down.

- I don't even know what he's doing here.
- I'm trying to keep your kid

from turning into a neurotic basket case
like my brother.

Maybe then, he won't marry
a messed up woman.

I'm screwed up
because you're a lousy brother.

- My God, your whole family's insane.
- Hold on, people!

Even cows know

words can hurt.

Jake, you know that even though
your mother and I bicker sometimes,

we will always love you, no matter what.

I know.

And, honey, you also need to know
that our splitting up

- had absolutely nothing to do with you.
- I know.

It's just that Mommy has a right
to be happy.

Yeah, he knows.

And whatever's bothering you,

you know I had nothing
to do with it, right?

- Yeah.
- See?

Can I go to bed now?

Now? Jake, it's only 7:00.

I'm tired.

All right, honey.
I'll come tuck you in before I leave.

- Okay, that's a bad sign.
- It's a symptom of clinical depression.

You would know.

Please, if my kids had gone to bed
at 7:00

I'd have dipped myself in gravy
and danced naked on the rooftops.

She does make a hell of a gravy.

- Morning, Uncle Charlie.
- Morning.

Morning, Dad. Morning, Berta.

- Morning.
- Morning.

So, Dad, what are we gonna do today?

I don't know. What would you like to do?

I don't know, something fun.
Maybe we could jam, Uncle Charlie.

Great.

Dad, can I eat my cereal down by the TV?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

What happened to him?

If I didn't know better,
I'd swear he got laid last night.

I hope you don't mind, but I talked to
him before he went to sleep last night.

What did you say?

I said,
drink this bottle of prune juice.

You feed him nothing
but pizza and pancakes.

It's a wonder his eyeballs are still
in their sockets.

Wait a minute.

Oh, man. Not again.

Jake Harper. Unplugged.