Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Big Flappy Bastards - full transcript

Let's see, what else?

Okay. Here's one of the first things
your uncle Charlie wrote.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

What do you think?

Must have been before my time.

Okay, we're done here.

Don't put your juice box on the piano,
it leaves a ring.

How could a box leave a ring?

Got to run to the grocery store.

I'm gonna need somebody
to fold these clothes.

I don't know if the grocery store



is the first place I'd go for that,
but good luck.

Remember, you're being punished.
So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy.

I need you to be my eyes and ears.

Okay, but you have to be
my liver and prostate.

Whoa, whose is this?

Charlie, you want to field that one?

No problem. Jake, sometimes when you
have a casual sexual relationship...

All right!

Jake, we take in strangers' laundry
because we're poor.

I'll be back in an hour.
Start folding. No TV.

What'd you get busted for?

I painted my room at Mom's house.

- What's wrong with that?
- I'm 10 years old.

- How about a little sock golf?
- What's that?



Okay, here's how it works.

The living room is a dogleg par four.

That means you have to get your sock
into the kitchen sink

- in four strokes or less.
- Okay.

We'll play for a quarter a hole.

Your handicap's obvious.

You're short, and you've never
heard of the Ninja Turtles.

All right, keep your knees bent.

Your arm straight and swing easy.

Oh, man, I'm being hustled.

- We can play for less if you want.
- Don't get cocky.

There's 17 more holes.

The 18th hole, all square.

The defending champion looks
to have an easy tap-in for a birdie

as the gallery waits breathlessly
for the rookie to respond.

Would you please stop talking?

Tempers flare as the pressure mounts.

- Yeah.
- It's unbelievable.

An eagle on the 18th.

This has never happened before
in the history of sock golf!

A little help here?

Fans are coming out of the gallery
with sacks of groceries

- for the young phenom.
- What's going on?

I won. I beat Uncle Charlie.

Excuse me, didn't I ask you
to fold the laundry?

Laundry? Are you barking mad?

The child just won the coveted
Palmolive Cup.

I won. You lose.

When I ask Jake to do something,

I need you to help me
make sure he does it.

I'm trying to teach him responsibility.

This sock is soaking wet.

Yeah, I chipped into the water hazard
on the ninth and the lid was open.

- So, this is toilet water?
- At least.

All right.
I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry,

I put the groceries away...

The guilt thing doesn't work on me,
Alan.

Yeah, well, it's all I got.
I'll be back in a little while.

- Where you going?
- I have to bring the garbage cans back in.

Today wasn't garbage day.

- No, not here. At Judith's.
- At Judith's?

Alan, your wife threw you out.

Yeah, that doesn't mean
she doesn't need me.

Yeah, it kind of does.

Look, we're still married,
it's still my house,

and she still counts on me
to do a few chores.

It's good. It leaves the door open for,
you know, reconciliation.

I see.

So, how do you lift those garbage cans
without a spine?

They're on wheels.

What are you watching?

I'm watching a movie,

and you're not supposed
to be watching anything.

Oh, yeah.

- Is that guy a good guy or a bad guy?
- Good guy.

And you're not supposed
to be watching TV.

I know.

- Is that his girlfriend?
- Ex-girlfriend.

But he still loves her, right?

I'm not going to walk you
through the whole movie.

I think so.

- Go to bed, Jake.
- Okay.

Who's that guy?

That's the guy he was in jail with

and told him
where the money was hidden.

Right.

- You're being punished. No TV.
- I know.

What the hell is going on?

- Jake?
- Goodnight.

Hey, I'm watching that.

What part of "no TV"
didn't you understand?

I'm allowed to watch TV.

I mean Jake.

I said, "No TV." He said, "Okay. "
I said, "Go to bed. " He said, "Okay. "

- What'd you want from me?
- He's taking advantage of you

because he knows
you won't follow through.

He obviously knows me
better than you do.

If this is gonna work out
with Jake living here part-time,

you have to be an adult.
You have to impose discipline.

Yeah, fine, whatever.
Give me back the remote.

No. You're not listening to me.
You need to be firm.

Okay.

- Go to your room.
- Yes, like that.

I mean it. Give me the remote
and go to your room.

That's very funny.

I'm serious. Get out of here,
or I will kick your ass.

Oh, man.

Shoo.

Jake.
Jake!

It was on when I came in.

Yeah, right.

What did I tell you about leaving
juice boxes on my piano?

How do you know it's mine?

Come on, who else around here drinks
"Transylvania Goofy Juice"?

Good point.

And another thing. Were you on the deck
feeding the seagulls again?

Sorry, I forgot.

Okay. We need to talk.

Love you, Uncle Charlie.

Look, we don't feed the seagulls
because you can't get rid of them.

We don't leave
the doors and windows open,

because we get all kinds of bugs
and crap flying in the house.

- Okay.
- No. Don't just say "okay. "

This is not the grownup
telling the kid what to do.

This is just two guys agreeing
how to live together.

- Are we cool?
- Yeah. Cool.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

- Was he watching TV?
- No.

Jake, I have to run a quick errand.

Why don't you wash and dress?
When I get back, we'll do something fun.

- Can we watch TV?
- Go.

Where are you off to?

The grocery store.

- You're going to Judith's, aren't you?
- No.

Then where are you going?

Judith's.

- Alan.
- I have to.

The timer on the sprinkler system
is broken,

and the flower beds are getting flooded,
and I love her and I want her back.

Buddy, I feel for you.

- Thank you.
- Unfortunately, the feeling is nausea.

Great. I'll see you later.

Alan, you've been making
the same mistake your whole life.

Being the good boy, fixing everything
so everybody would love you.

It didn't work with Mom.

It didn't work with either of the women
you went out with.

And it's not gonna work with your wife.

You know nothing about commitment
and responsibility to a relationship.

Granted. But I do know
when a woman's using me.

And by that I mean not in a fun way.

Well, you can rest easy,
because no one is using me.

And did you mean that I only dated
two women including Judith?

Because if you did,
I have two words for you.

Maxine Chernakoff.

- Did you fix it?
- Not quite.

It doesn't seem like
you're changing anything.

No? Well, sometimes change happens,
Judith, and you can't see it.

Okay. Fine.
When you're done fixing this,

would you come and take a look
at the garbage disposal?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Wait, no.

What?

No, I won't come inside
and look at the garbage disposal.

Why not?

I know when I'm being used, Judith,
and not in a fun way.

What are you talking about?

Who are we kidding?
The marriage is over.

You're just afraid to move on,
so, you keep dragging me over here,

and I'm afraid to move on,
so I keep coming.

Goodbye, Judith. You're free.

I hope you find
whatever it is you're looking for.

- What you got there?
- Just a little bread.

Please tell me you're not feeding
the seagulls again.

Okay.

Man, did you let another one of those
big flappy bastards in the house?

You have to put $1 in the swear jar,
you said "bastards. "

Smart, poke the bear.

I'm telling you, Jake,
this is the last...

Yikes!

I'm really sorry, Uncle Charlie.

I don't want to talk to you right now.

Hello, do you have a department
of animal control or bird abatement?

I have a seagull problem.

Seagull.

Thank you, I'll hold.

I didn't know there'd be so many.

I told you, don't feed the damn things.
I told you, don't leave the windows open.

Yeah, hi, who's this?

Phyllis Siegal.

No, Phyllis, I wanted to talk to
somebody about seagulls.

I got a flock of seagulls in my house.

No, I don't know
whatever happened to them.

I'm really sorry.

We had an agreement, Jake,
and you broke it.

Look, I need somebody who can come over
with a net or something.

Sure, I'll hold.

Hello? Who's this?

Annette.

Look, I got a room
filled with seagulls and... No.

Hi, Phyllis.

Goodbye, Phyllis.

Good news.

Really? Come tell me in Jake's room.

What did he do?
He didn't paint anything, did he?

I want you to be surprised.

You will never guess what happened
while I was at Judith's.

Neither will you.

Oh, my God!

So, what's your good news?

Open the door!

Your kid got them in there,
you get them out.

Open the door!

That was not funny, Charlie.

Depends on what side of the door
you were on.

Look, I'm really sorry about the birds,

but I'm sure they'll leave
as soon as they get hungry.

That's what I thought about you.

You know what? Jake and I may be
out of here sooner than you think.

- What do you mean?
- At Judith's, there was kissing.

Mutual kissing. Unprompted,
but reciprocated by yours truly.

Wow.

And was it as boring as it sounds?

Charlie, she kissed me.

This wasn't the kiss of a woman who just
wanted her garbage disposal unclogged.

Well, you know her plumbing
better than I do.

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna let her come to me.

You know, be detached,
play it cool. You know?

Yeah. That's your home-run swing.

Hey, Uncle Charlie,
you want to play some sock golf?

- No, thanks.
- Where are you going?

I'm going for a drive.

- Can I come?
- Nope.

I don't think
Uncle Charlie likes me anymore.

Don't be silly. He's just a little
upset about the 30, 40

screaming, crapping birds in his house.

Why don't you write him a note
and tell him how sorry you are?

Okay.

Don't worry, he'll come around.

Sooner or later, everybody comes around.

You just have to give them a little time
and a little space.

Hello, Judith?

- What's in the bucket?
- Chum.

- What?
- Bait.

I went down to the bait shop and
asked them what seagulls like to eat.

We're keeping them?

No. We're gonna throw the bait
out the window

to lure the birds out of the house.

That's pretty clever.

Yeah, it's a variation on something I do
with women and tennis bracelets.

Hey, Uncle Charlie, I made this for you.

Thanks.

I made it myself.

I see that.

- What are you doing?
- I'm getting rid of the birds.

- Can I help?
- Nope.

Jake, why don't you go out
and play on the deck, okay?

Okay.

What is wrong with you?

He worked really hard on that card.
You barely looked at it.

- What do you want from me?
- He's dying for you to forgive him.

Fine. I forgive him.

Now, are you gonna help me or not?
I got a serious problem here.

Really? Because you look like
you have it all together.

Okay, here's the deal.

We go in there and start throwing
this stuff out the windows.

When the last bird's out,

we close the window
and get on with our lives.

You're ready?

Sure.

You know, if they love this bait so much,
why would they even wait for...

It's almost like somebody tipped
them off.

- You got any other bright ideas?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna get a drywall guy in there
and seal off that room.

- Very funny.
- I'm not kidding.

That room is dead to me.

Either that or sell the house.

I'll put it on the market
as a two bedroom plus aviary.

Everybody loves an aviary.

What about Jake?

Are you gonna put him on the market
or just wall him off?

I tried with that kid, Alan.

He says one thing,
and then he goes and does another.

He's 10. He's got the attention span
of a hummingbird.

What am I supposed to do
when he ignores me?

You punish him. You take away
his computer, his TV, his toys.

You already took away
all the good stuff.

What am I supposed to take away?
His bronchial inhaler?

You know what I'm saying, Charlie.
You don't take away your love.

Hi. I tried calling
but I kept getting your machine,

- so I thought I'd bring this over.
- What is it?

It's my master file of handymen, plumbers,
electricians, maintenance schedules,

warranties, authorized repair centers,

et cetera.

Okay, well, you're on your own.
Got to run.

Alan, wait.

- Yes?
- About that kiss?

When you said we should move on,
I got scared, and...

Alan, I kissed you out of fear.

Hey, it still counts.

Alan, you were right.
We have to move on.

Okay.

Alan, wait.

Yes?

The garbage disposal's still making
that horrible noise.

I keep telling you not to
put bones in it.

- I didn't.
- The sink trap does not lie, Judith.

This is so cool, Uncle Charlie.

Yeah, I was kind of hard on you,
and I wanted to make it up.

So, you're not still mad
about the seagulls?

I'm still mad. I just figured out
a better way to deal with it.

Well, I think this is a very good way.

Me, too.

I'm buying you all this stuff,

but as punishment for letting seagulls
in my house,

you can't play with it for a month.

A month?

Pretty smart, huh?

It's not fair.

You know what this is?

The world's smallest violin.

What are you talking about?

They're gone, Charlie.

Are you sure? Check under the bed.

All clear.

Okay.

I wonder why they left.

Maybe because we stopped feeding them.

Whoa, check it out.

Wow.

- You know what this means, don't you?
- Yeah.

Breakfast.