Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 12 - Camel Filters and Pheromones - full transcript

Well, Judith,
you can't have it both ways.

No, if you want to stay in that house,

and drive that car,
then I have to live here to save money.

No. I don't agree that
he's a bad influence on Jake.

Uncle Charlie,
I understand the point spread,

but I'm still confused about the vig.

Okay.

Vig is short for vigorish,
and it means the percentage you pay

- to a bookie to take your bet.
- So it's better to be a bookie.

My little boy is growing up.

Judith, hang on.



I have got to stop you here,
because right at this very minute,

I am watching Charlie
help Jake with math.

Well, go ahead and call your lawyers, but
I think I am well within my rights here.

Well, I don't know what Jake is telling
you about Charlie's dates,

but he is a kid,
and he blows things out of proportion.

Well, if by nude swimming you mean,

she had no bathing suit on whatsoever,

then that never happened.

I can see the clothes hamper
was a wise purchase.

- Berta?
- No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.

I'm still sleeping here.
Could you come back in a little while?

I could,
or you could get your pampered ass

out of bed
and let me do my demeaning job

and get on with my hellish life.



Excuse me, Berta, but last time I checked,
you work for me.

So I'll get up when I'm good and ready.

Sorry I had to pull rank on you.

- Berta, for God's sake!
- Hey, do you want clean towels?

- But I'm trying to do something here.
- So do it.

Well, I can't do it now.

Is something wrong?

I mean, beyond the usual
demeaning-job hellish-life stuff?

Do you really want to know?

No, but I'm up and my bed's gone.

Okay. So I told you
about my daughter, right?

- You have a daughter?
- I have three.

Three? Wow.

You gotta start learning to say no,
little lady.

Hey, Berta. Morning.

Now, you know I hate to criticize,
but the coffee filters you've been buying

have chemicals in them.

And I love it!

Get out of my way.

- What's wrong with her?
- Apparently she has children.

And one of them showed up last night
and left her little girl,

who I have to drag with me everywhere

because I can't leave her alone
in the house.

- So you brought her here?
- Yeah.

Is that gonna be a problem?

- No.
- That's wonderful.

- Happy to have her.
- Yeah.

- So where is she?
- She's playing with Jake.

Good. A little playmate for Jake.

That'll give him something to do
for today.

I hope they're quiet
'cause I got a lot of work to do.

Nana, did you throw out
my cigarettes again?

- Dear God!
- Oh, hell!

Prudence, you're 16 years old.

You want to end up on a breathing
machine like your Uncle Chick?

- Mom lets me smoke.
- Well, why didn't you say so?

No reason I shouldn't trust
the judgment of a woman

who's off selling bootleg Metallica
t-shirts at a monster truck rally.

Mom sounds like a real go-getter.

So what am I supposed to do
here all day?

You're supposed to help me clean,
that's what. Here.

You can start with his toilet.

Hi.

- I'm Alan.
- Hi, Alan.

What kind of car do you drive?

- A Volvo station wagon.
- What do you got?

I got nothing. Not a damn thing.

Hey, Prudence, I set up my Xbox.
You ready to play?

- Sure.
- Get to work, Prudence!

Maybe later, handsome.
Stupid old woman.

Isn't she wonderful?

- Dear God.
- Oh, hell.

Well,
I'd better get started on that work

I have... to do.

Yeah, I gotta catch up on some
paperwork that

has to do with the office.

- Oh, yeah. Your job.
- Yeah.

Your chiropractor job.

Yeah and you'll be, what,
you'll be writing a jingle?

Yeah. Potato chips. You know, the...

The ones in the can.

Yeah.

I like those.

All right, then.

- I'm gonna go over to the piano now.
- Yeah, and I'm gonna go to the

kitchen and... Yeah.

Hey, you play piano?

Yes.

You're pretty good.

Thanks.

- Are you in a band?
- No.

I used to go out with a bass player.
He wrote this beautiful song for me,

called Dear Prudence.

Yeah, that sounds like something
a bass player would do.

You know, I've always wanted
to play the piano.

Do you think you could
teach me something?

Nope, nothing, not a damn thing.

So, do you have a girlfriend?

Me? Oh, yeah. Big-time girlfriend.

We're practically engaged.

Prudence, he's old enough
to be your father.

And knowing your mother, he might be.

- Just wash the damn windows.
- I'm not your father.

How do you stand her?
She's such a bitch.

Don't talk like that
about your grandmother.

Hey, you don't know her.
She's all sweet and nice with you.

Yeah.

She's a real gumdrop.

My point is, you've gotta respect her
because she loves you and

I've seen her pick up the stove
to vacuum under it.

Oh, hey, look!

There's Rose, my girlfriend.

Come on in, baby.

Okay.

Rose, this is Berta's 16-year-old
granddaughter, Prudence.

Prudence, this is my girlfriend, who I'm
free to take across state lines, Rose.

- Wow, look at that kiss!
- What?

Oh, thank God.

Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?

Oh, honey, don't get me started.

What does that mean?

It means if she gets a high-school
diploma before she gets a baby,

she'll be the first one in the family.

I'm thirsty. What's to drink?

The Cransylvania Goofy Juice is mine,
but you can have one.

Oh, thanks, handsome.

Is this beer for anybody?

- Prudence, you're 16.
- You know, Prudence,

the Goofy Juice has vitamin C
and calcium.

It's much better than beer
for a growing body.

Not that your body needs to grow.

I'm done.

You know, Prudence,
I'm the third fastest runner in my class.

- Cool!
- Spring break's over. Back to work.

Later, stud.

Boy, she smells good.

Yeah, if you like Camel Filters
and pheromones.

I gotta do some grocery shopping
for your brother.

I'll be back in a little while.

- What about Prudence?
- She'll be fine.

Just keep her out of the liquor cabinet.

Don't do anything stupid
or you'll go to jail.

- Why would you go to jail?
- Well, that's kind of complicated.

And why was Uncle Charlie kissing Rose?

- Well, that was the...
- And what are pherobones?

That one I know,
and it's pronounced pheromones...

Never mind.

Wow, you're really good at that.

Thanks. I took some cosmetology courses.

I figure I'll be a beautician,
or a supermodel.

Cool.

- You want another Goofy Juice?
- Aren't you the sweetest.

That's twice he's done that.

You gotta admit,
she did a nice job on those windows.

Jake, you need to get started
on that book report.

- But Prudence is thirsty.
- I'll take care of Prudence.

- Come on, get going.
- Man!

- Charlie, you want to...
- Not a chance in hell.

Remember when you used to say that
about us?

- Here.
- Thanks.

Where's my little pal?

- He has work to do. Kind of like you.
- Are you gonna tell on me?

No, it was just...

Just an observation.

Just calling them as I see them.

Glean from it what you will.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm not really sure anymore.

But I do want you to know that

I understand how angry
and powerless you feel.

Believe it or not,
I was a teenager once, too.

And I can remember what it's like
to rebel against parental authority.

Or in your case,
grandparental authority.

- Can you put some of this on my back?
- No.

If you don't, I'll burn.

If I do, I will.

- Judith. What a surprise.
- Hello, Charlie.

So,

- what's new?
- Where's Jake?

In his room, doing a book report.

Well, how can he do a book report
when he left the book at my house?

That little dickens.
Trying to pull the wool over our eyes.

- I'll take care of this right now. Bye.
- Charlie, I want to see Jake.

Sure. Hang on.

Jake? Your mother's here!

- What?
- Your mom's here. Talk to your mom.

- Here he is.
- Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.
Are you having a fun weekend?

You know Berta,
Uncle Charlie's housekeeper...

Of course she knows her.
Who doesn't know Berta?

- She brought her granddaughter over.
- Yeah. Sweet little kid.

That's nice.
Have you been playing with her?

Oh, yeah. I mean, he has. Not me.

Hey, Judith. What's up?

Well, it turns out this little rascal
was pulling a fast one on us.

Doing a book report without the book.

Oh, Jake. All right, young man,
you get to work right now.

- Jake?
- Oh, yeah.

So, thanks for stopping by.

I guess I'll see you
when you come to pick him up.

- What's going on here?
- Nothing. What?

Oh, hi, Judith.

Did you hear the good news?
Charlie and I are back together.

Oh, really?

Yep. That's what's going on here.

Well, just show a little discretion
in front of my son, Charlie.

Absolutely.

- You got that, Rose? Discretion.
- Got it, Monkey Man.

I think I have a concussion.

Thanks for helping me
with my book report, Prudence.

Oh, no problem.
Fourth-grade stuff is easy for me.

Should be, you did it twice.

Let's go before we miss the bus.

- Later, handsome.
- Bye.

So, what are we doing tonight, sweetie?

Rose, I really appreciate your help,

but you don't have to pretend
to be my girlfriend anymore.

Oh, no.

Are you pretending to break up with me?

2:00 in the morning. This better be God.

Oh, God.

Hey.

Prudence, what the hell
are you doing here?

- I had a fight with my grandmother.
- So?

When I have a fight with my grandmother,
I don't come to your house.

I know, I'm sorry.
I just didn't know where else to go

and I thought you were cool.

Look, Prudence, this just can't happen.

I mean, you're very nice and pretty,
but in prison, so am I.

Bitching house, man.
You should rent it to MTV.

- Who the hell are you?
- What's going on?

Put down the toothbrush, Alan, we've got
bigger problems than gingivitis.

What's she doing here?
Who the hell is this?

This is Freddie. My fianc?.

- 'Sup.
- 'Sup?

I'll tell you what's 'sup. I'm 'sup.

And I should be seeping. Sleeping.

What's going on here?

Well, Freddie came over to announce
our engagement, and Nana threw him out.

Really? She didn't take a shine
to Bazooka Joe here?

You know,
I'm kind of more of an acquired taste.

So we just need a place to crash tonight

because tomorrow we're gonna go
to Vegas and get married.

- Oh, Prudence, that's a terrible idea.
- Yeah.

If you leave right now,
you can beat the traffic.

We can't go tonight.

He's gotta pick up his last paycheck
from the photomat.

Yeah, $218.

I'll give you $300 to leave right now.

- Charlie, we can't let them go.
- Why not?

Because they're stupid and they'll die.

- What's going on?
- Hey, handsome.

- Who's he?
- This is Freddie, my fianc?.

- You're marrying him?
- Freddie, this is Jake.

'Sup.

Charlie, I saw the lights come on,
is everything okay?

Yeah, Rose, everything's fine.

She's your girlfriend
but she doesn't sleep here?

Yeah, what's up with that, Charlie?

- I told you they'd be here.
- Come here, you little snot bubble.

What do you think you're doing
with my baby girl?

Mom, leave him alone! I love him.

Give me a break, Prudence.
You're 16 years old,

and your hormones are doing
all your thinking for you.

Hi, you must be Charlie.

Hi.

- That's it, we're outta here.
- But, Mom...

- Grandma!
- Oh, shut up, both of you!

- Can I at least give him my number?
- He's got your number, sweetheart.

I guess I'll take the couch.

Okay, I'm going!

Don't you ever come back!

Ready for bed, lamb chop?

It was worth a shot.

- Is Mom here yet?
- No.

- Sit down a minute, Jake, okay?
- Did I do something wrong?

No.

- We just want to talk.
- Okay. What do you want to talk about?

Well, you know how I've always told
you that you should always tell

your parents the truth, no matter what?

Well, forget it.

Charlie. Jake, it's just that...

We're just saying a lot of things
happened here this weekend,

and it's not really necessary
that your mother know about them.

So you want me to lie?

No, it's not really lying.

When a boy becomes a man,

and that's what you're becoming.

- Right, Charlie?
- Oh, yeah, a man.

He has to start protecting the women
in his life from certain things.

Like the truth.

Do you understand?

I think so.
You don't want Mom to know about

Prudence and her boyfriend
and everything.

Good man.

- Hi, Judith.
- Hello, Alan.

- Charlie.
- Judith.

- You ready to go, sweetheart?
- Yep.

How was your weekend?

Uncle Charlie says I don't
have to tell you.