Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 11 - Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor - full transcript

Okay, after I get the tickets,
you line up for the popcorn,

while I go nail down some good seats.

I want butter in the middle.
Don't just let them squirt it on the top.

And a large cherry slurpy.

Then you hold the seats
while I go to the men's room,

and then I'll do the same for you.

That way we can enjoy our drinks
during the movie without fear.

Got you.

- You're not gonna do any of that, are you?
- Nope.

So you want to go in there
with no coordination,

- no strategy, just winging it?
- That's what I'm thinking.



I have no faith in this at all.

Now for her,
I'd stand in line for a butter squirt.

Yeah, she is a hottie.

Hey, that's no hottie.
That's your ex-wife.

- Judith?
- Alan.

Sorry about the squirt thing.

Wow, look at you. New hair, clothes.

You look... Wow.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

It's a public service

when a gay chick goes lipstick
instead of lumberjack.

So, how was the movie? Where's Jake?

Home with the babysitter.
Alan, I'm kind of on a date.

Okay, is that her?



Hi, nice to meet you. I'm the ex.

Alan, that's not my date.

- Hey, Alan.
- Phil? What a coincidence.

Phil is Jake's soccer coach.
Phil, you remember Judith.

Well, yeah...

One-Mississippi...

- Alan?
- What?

...two-Mississippi.

Oh, God.

Okay, we're all caught up.

Wait, you're dating Phil?
How can you be dating Phil?

Alan, he asked me out.

What about the whole gay thing?
Did you even give that a chance?

Phil, we'd better go.

Hey, look, Alan, I hope this doesn't
affect our friendship.

- No. Call me, we'll hang out.
- Great. Hey, how's Tuesday?

Tuesday's good.
Judith, how's Tuesday for you?

Just walk away.

I know you built your sundeck
without a permit and I am calling it in.

Alan, chill.

That two-faced, wife-poaching,
soccer-coaching, rat-bastard!

Come on, let it go.

- I'll treat you to a cherry slurpy.
- I don't want a cherry slurpy.

Are you sure?
'Cause I think Phil's gonna get one.

What does she think she's doing?

She's straight, she's gay,
she's straight again.

Place your bets.
Where she lands, nobody knows.

Alan, it's no big deal.

Women get to experiment
with their sexuality.

It's only guys who have to make a choice
and stick to it.

- Where do you get this stuff?
- I make it up.

Anyway,
it doesn't matter what Judith is.

- It only matters what she's not.
- And what is she not?

She is not coming back to you, pal.

Thank you for your sensitivity.

All I'm saying is, is that Judith has
moved on with her life,

and maybe it's time for you
to do the same.

I know. It's just... I can't.

- Sure you can. I'll help you.
- How?

I don't know, by saying things like,
"Sure you can. I'll help you. "

Great, thanks.

Look,
this isn't just about you, you know?

All this wallowing in the past
is causing other people to suffer.

- You mean Jake.
- I mean me.

You are really starting to piss me off.

Okay, that's enough help for now.

I'm saying maybe it's time
to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

- You're right, I know you're right.
- Forget Judith.

There's a whole world out there
that you haven't pissed off yet.

There is no reason I couldn't
find happiness with someone else.

There you go.

This could be the beginning
of the rest of my life.

A bit of a bumper sticker,
but sure, why not?

In fact, for the first time since college,
I can go after any woman I want.

Heck, I could take a page from your book

- and date them two, three at a time.
- Yeah, right. I mean, yeah, right.

You know what?
I'm gonna start right now.

I am gonna die alone.

No.

You just don't know how to sell yourself.
Give me a minute.

- So?
- If it was up to them, you'd die alone.

- Great.
- Okay, here's the thing.

If you want to play in this league,
you have to make a few changes.

- Like what?
- Hang on.

- Pretty much everything.
- Everything?

Yep. The hair, the clothes,
the fuddy-duddy personality.

What do they know about my personality?

Okay, that part's mine.

Face it, Alan, you've
been an old fart since you were 14.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means, how many eighth-graders
carry a briefcase and a pocket watch?

That was the Esperanto Club look.

Unless you know where
all the hot Esperanto chicks hang out,

you're gonna need
to shake things up a little.

Really? And how to do I go about
"shaking things up"?

Hang on.

This may take a while. Don't wait up.

Hey, guess what?

Coach Phil made me first-string
on the soccer team.

- Is that so?
- Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I suck.

Maybe Coach Phil sees some potential.

- So, what else is new?
- Mom's got new clothes and new hair.

It's like she's a different person
or something.

- But she's still the same person, Jake.
- No, not really.

She walks around the house
singing all the time.

- She just sings for no reason?
- I guess.

I wonder if it's the same reason
I sing for no reason.

Does Coach Phil sing for no reason?

For God's sake, Charlie!

How come
you haven't changed anything yet, Dad?

- Why should I change?
- So you'd look cool like Mom.

- You don't think I look cool now?
- No.

You know what,
it doesn't matter if I look cool,

we judge a person by what's inside them,
not by what they wear.

Lucky for you.

Yeah, lucky.

- I'm done. Can I go watch TV?
- Sure.

Help me, Charlie.
I want to sing for no reason.

Get your jacket. It's time to go.

I don't want to go.
I hate clothes shopping.

- You can't stay here alone.
- Why not?

You know why not.

But you don't have a turtle
to put in the microwave anymore.

- Get your jacket.
- Fine.

I'll put on my stupid jacket,
we'll get in the stupid car,

and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.

Hey, don't talk
to your stupid father like that.

- So, you ready for your big makeover?
- You know what? Actually, I am.

- I was up all night thinking about it.
- All night?

Maybe your money's better spent
on a hooker.

No, listen,

I was in the bathroom,
looking at myself in the mirror,

when I noticed, and I think I can be
completely objective about this,

that I have a very nice ass
for a guy my age.

And I think I should start dressing
in such a way as to play that card.

You know, for the ladies.

Go ahead, check it out.

Am I lying?

- Hi, Mom.
- Good, you remember me.

- Hello, Charlie.
- Hey, Mom, right?

Very cute. I was in the neighborhood,
I thought I'd stop by.

I'm sorry, Mom. We were just leaving.

It never fails, does it?

Whenever I would like to spend
some quality time with my grandson

there's always something
more important going on.

It's not fair, you know.

I'm not getting clothes,
so why do I have to go and be bored?

You don't,
you can stay here with Grandma.

- What?
- What?

- Have fun.
- Wait, no, I'll be good, I swear.

Payback's a bitch, buddy.

- This department looks nice.
- You're sure?

Because this is the top floor.
There's no more clothes above this floor.

- No, I have a good feeling about this floor.
- Great.

- How about this shirt?
- No, I don't think so.

Okay.

- How about this?
- No.

Good.

- This one?
- No.

- This?
- No.

Tell you what,
why don't you pick something?

- I thought you were gonna help me?
- Pick something.

Okay, flying solo.

This is something
I could see myself wearing.

- You like this?
- Yeah.

Let me see that.

Please, if she has one more facelift,
she'll be wearing her ass as a hat.

Jake, honey,

turn the TV down,
Grandmommy's on the telephone.

I'm sorry, what?

No, I'm just spending
a little quality time with my grandson.

He's an amazing boy.
We're very close, two peas in a pod.

What? Hold on.

Jake, how old are you?

- Ten.
- Seven.

I said, "Ten. "

If I'm 55, you're seven.

He's an adorable boy,
and he just loves me so much.

Jake, tell my friend, Cheryl,
how much you love Grandmommy.

Go on, darling.

I'm 10.

How's it going in there?

Whatever happened to zippers?
I miss zippers.

I don't know, Alan.
Maybe there were too many injuries.

Nobody ever got their balls
caught in a buttonhole.

- Come on out, let's see.
- I'm just not sure about this.

We're never gonna find the right
look for you unless we experiment.

Now, let's see.

I'm not happy with visible nipples.

Yeah, that's what is wrong with it.

That's it. We need a gay guy.

His name is Sponge Bob Square Pants,
and his friend's name is Patrick.

He's a starfish, and he lives
on the same street Sponge Bob,

and he's unbelievably dumb.
Squidward lives there, too.

Of course, he's a squid
and he hates Sponge Bob,

and he plays the clarinet.

Both Squidward and Sponge Bob
work at the Crusty Krab for Mr. Krab,

who's really cheap,
but Sponge Bob doesn't care

because he just likes being
a fry cook and making Krabby...

So, bottom line,

he's a sponge?

Yeah.

His pants are square 'cause he's square
and so is his underwear.

They're tighty-whities,
but they're square.

- Oh, dear God.
- He has a pet snail named Gary, that...

Okay, relax the shoulders, good.
The style suits you,

the pants hang beautifully. Oh, dear.

What?

You're not gonna
be wearing those shoes, are you?

- Say no.
- No.

Could you show us some shoes
that will go with this?

I'm sorry, I don't actually work here.
I came in for a belt.

Okay, we got an outfit.
Let's go find some shoes.

No, Charlie,
I'm done. I can't do this anymore.

Don't worry. I'm sure there'll
be a gay guy in the shoe department.

No, I've changed my mind.
I don't want new clothes.

What? You look great.
That guy said you looked stunning.

He said "fabulous,"
but that's not the point.

- This is not who I am.
- Yeah.

But who you are couldn't get laid
underwater with a tank full of oxygen.

- Forget it, let's just go home.
- Wait a second.

I spend all day schlepping
from store to store with you,

listening to you whine,
and now that we finally found

- something that works, you want to bail?
- I don't feel comfortable in this stuff.

- I knew it. I knew you'd chicken out.
- Chicken out?

I'm not even gonna dignify that
with a response.

At least your wife
had the guts to try something new.

Don't go there, Charlie.

I mean, the soccer coach
was kind of a sideways move,

- but you gotta admire the effort.
- Fine.

I will buy the stupid clothes,
but I'm never ever

- going to do this with you again.
- Promise?

I just hope he's worth all the drama.

Hello. Mom, Jake?

In here.

Hello.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Alan.

- Rose, what are you doing here?
- Babysitting.

- Where's my mother?
- She left.

- Why?
- I don't know.

We were watching
Sponge Bob Square Pants,

and she stood up and said,
"Life was too short. "

Luckily,
I happened to be out on the deck,

not doing anything, just passing by,

and she asked me to baby-sit.

- Dad, you look cool.
- Really? You think?

Yeah, very sexy.

So where is Charlie?

He dropped me off.
We had a little disagreement.

Was it about those dorky shoes?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Mind if I join you?
- Might as well.

You're gonna have to drive me home.

I just wanted to say that
I know you were just trying to help,

and I appreciate it.

Thanks.

I just got a little panicky.
Change is not easy for me, Charlie.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

And I'm not just talking about
the clothes.

The clothes are only the
tip of the iceberg.

Only the tip of the iceberg.

Leanne, I'm gonna need another shot.

- Continue.
- Yeah, it's like,

I was married a long time, Charlie.

It's who I was, it was my identity,

"Married Guy," "Husband Man,"
"Captain Dependable,"

and I had a uniform.

And, I don't know, I guess,
I just didn't want to take it off.

'Cause you'd lose your powers
of dependability?

- So, Charlie, who's your friend?
- My brother, Alan.

Hi, Alan. I'm Leanne.
It's nice to meet you.

I've actually met you a bunch of times.

No, I'd remember you.

I come in here with Charlie all the time,
I always order a rum and Diet Coke?

Right.

So, Alan, the usual?

No, today let's try something different.

- Charlie, what are you having?
- Tequila shooters with a beer back.

Great. I will have a rum and Diet Coke.

You've got it, hon.

Was she flirting with me?
I think she was flirting with me.

I think there was definitely a
connection.

Alan, you do understand
she works for tips?

- Rum and Diet Coke, please?
- Here.

- Did you see that?
- What do you expect?

You bought a sport jacket,
not a magic lamp.

Hello.

I didn't see you back there.

Oh, yeah.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.