Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 1, Episode 10 - Merry Thanksgiving - full transcript

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Picking out a shirt.

That one looks nice.

- You like it?
- Yeah.

Then, no.

Okay.

Listen, I was wondering,
do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?

- Alan, I don't think that far ahead.
- It's this Thursday.

No kidding.

Didn't we just get through
that whole pumpkin,

the costume thing with the kid?

- Halloween?
- Yeah.



Three weeks ago.

- No, I got no plans. Why?
- I was thinking,

Jake's gonna be with his mom
and her parents,

and I thought,
maybe you and I could do something.

Okay, want to go to Vegas?

I was thinking something
a little more traditional.

Reno?

- Charlie, it's a family holiday.
- Yeah, so, I'm your family.

Unless you want to spend
a perfectly good Thursday

with "Mom, The Impaler. "

- Think we can get into the Bellagio?
- Leave it to me.

That one's nice.

Here's what we'll do.

We'll fly to Vegas,
have a big steak dinner,



get you a lap dance
and a bucket of nickels.

- What are the nickels for?
- I'll explain it on the plane.

That sounds kind of fun.
Two single guys, rocking out in Vegas,

- the glitz, the glamour...
- Dude, don't gay it up.

You know, I like this shirt much better.

Stop screwing with me, Alan.

So, who's the lucky gal?

- Remember Lisa?
- Lisa-who-used-to-live-here, Lisa?

She lived here, she moved out,
she lived here, I moved out.

At one point, neither one of us
lived here. Yeah, that Lisa.

Wow.
So, she's gonna take you back again?

Hey, who said she's the one
who broke up with...

Yeah, I'm hoping.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

I've completely lost confidence
in this shirt.

- Hey, Lees! Sorry I'm late.
- Hey.

How many times did you change
your shirt before you left the house?

- I wanted to look pretty for you.
- You're such a girl.

Thanks, you, too.

- It's good to see you.
- It's good to see you, too.

So, you want to just blow this place
and get a room?

- I can't.
- Why not?

I'm getting married.

Yeah. Ha, ha. Me, too.

- I'm not kidding.
- You can't do that, you love me.

That's not the point.

I'm tired of doing this dance of death
with you.

Hooking up, breaking up, making up.

That's not a dance of death.
That's the circle of life.

It may be your life, but it's not mine.
Not anymore.

- I'm moving on.
- To what?

To settling down, to having a family,

to not having my heart constantly broken
by a man who refuses to grow up.

And that would be me?

Yes, you, you big ass.

But the sex was awesome though, right?

Yes, it was.
But there's more to relationships...

- Is it awesome with your fianc??
- None of your business.

It's not, is it?

God, why did I call you?

I'll tell you why.

Because in your heart, you know
you're about to make a huge mistake

and you want me to talk you out of it.

No, I was hoping you and I
could have some closure.

Then I refer you back to my suggestion
that we blow this place and get a room.

Same old Charlie.

What if I wasn't?
Would you still be marrying this clown?

Bo is not a clown.

- Bo?
- Bo.

I'm sorry, Bo-Bo is a clown.

Charlie, you'll never change.

Look at you, a grown man
who can't even commit to long pants.

Hey, I can commit to long pants.
I was just focused on the shirt today.

And for your information,
I've gone through changes

like you wouldn't believe
since the last time we were together.

- Like what?
- Well, I have a kid now.

God, Charlie,
what poor girl did you knock up?

No. It's my nephew.
He and my brother are living with me now.

- I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
- Yeah, right, "Family Guy. "

How's it going with your mom?

What the hell's my mom
got to do with family?

Come on, Charlie, we both know

you'll never have a successful
relationship with any woman, let alone me,

until you resolve your issues
with your mother.

Well,

as a matter of fact, it just so happens

on that note, since you mentioned it,

- those issues are resolved.
- Really. How'd that happen?

You know,
communication, self-reflection,

personal growth, crap like that.

The important thing is,
I now have a much deeper appreciation

for what do you call them,
traditional values.

"Traditional values?"

This from a guy
who offered my sister a car

if she'd come to bed with us?

It was a joke, and I was drunk.

But still, it shows a yearning
for family.

- Okay, this is going nowhere.
- Lisa, wait. I'm sorry.

I don't want you to
not be in my life anymore.

I'd like us to be friends.

- I'd like that, too.
- Good.

- So when are you getting married?
- We haven't set a date.

We're gonna talk about it when Bo
gets back from New York on Monday.

- So, you're all alone for Thanksgiving?
- Yeah, why?

Change of plans.

What's so tough to understand?

We're gonna have
a big family dinner right here.

And whose big family
were you planning on inviting?

You know, you, me, Jake, Mom, turkey,
just like the good old days.

What good old days?

It's just an expression,
don't get hung up on it.

- Oh, and Lisa might come.
- Okay, what's going on?

- I need to show Lisa that I'm a family guy.
- But you're not.

That's not the point.

She's about to go off
and marry some jerk

just because he loves her
and wants to settle down.

I get it, you're Satan.

Alan, this is serious.
I could lose her forever.

Wow, and you care?

I love her, Alan.

She's the only one I ever thought
I might eventually wind up with.

"Eventually wind up with. "

I'm touched.

So you want to, what,
keep her warming up in your bullpen

until the bottom of the ninth
when you lose your arm?

Okay,
I don't know how we got onto sports,

but the thing is, I really care for Lisa

and she needs to believe
I'm capable of changing.

But the thing is, you're not.

You don't know that. I might be.

Who knows what would happen
if I actually tried.

You're really serious about this.

Alan, I've got a 200-pound turkey
melting in my lap.

- What do you think?
- Okay, how can I help?

Obviously, we can't have a family
Thanksgiving without a kid.

So you need to get Jake back
from your wife.

Simple as that?

Okay, so I go to Judith and I say,

"Forget the fact
that we agreed on a custody schedule,

"forget that your parents
are driving all the way from Sacramento

"to spend time with their grandson.
Charlie needs to use our son as a prop

"so he that can maintain
an on-again-off-again relationship

"with a woman with whom
he might eventually wind up. "

- You know what, I'll talk to her.
- Yeah.

No way in hell.
Are you insane? What's wrong with you?

Okay,
maybe I didn't explain it correctly.

You explained it fine.
You're not taking Jake for Thanksgiving.

Not just Jake.
You can come, too, and your parents.

Think of it, the whole family,
just like the good old days.

What good old days?

Why is everybody so damn literal?

Judith, what is Thanksgiving about,
if not family?

Wouldn't it be good for Jake to spend
Thanksgiving with his whole family,

because that's what
Thanksgiving is about, family and stuff.

- I don't know.
- You wouldn't have to lift a finger.

I'll have someone there to do the cooking,
the serving, and the cleaning.

- Really? Who?
- My housekeeper, Berta.

She's a saint,
and she's really looking forward to this.

No way in hell.
Are you insane? What's wrong with you?

- Come on.
- I don't work holidays, Charlie.

- Please.
- I've got a life, you know.

Pretty, please.

My brother is in
the Witness Protection Program,

and I've been invited to spend
Thanksgiving with him

at an undisclosed location.

- I'll give you $1,000.
- Done.

- Hi, you must be Jake.
- Yes, I am.

My wonderful Uncle Charlie
has opened his home

to me and my father
'cause we had nowhere else to go.

Hey, Merry Thanksgiving.

I like what you've done with the place.

You picked out everything here.

I know.
Just wanted to make sure you did.

Charlie, I've got to admit,
I never thought I'd see the day

when you'd be hosting
a family Thanksgiving.

Like I've been telling you,
I've changed.

So, with that in mind,

you wanna blow this place
and get a room?

- Charlie, stop it. Come on, introduce me.
- Fine.

Lisa, this is Judith,
my former sister-in-law,

- but still, you know, family.
- Hi.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

And these, of course,
are her wonderful parents,

- Sherman and Lorraine.
- Sheldon and Lenore.

Sheldon and Lenore.
It's great to see you, folks.

- So, Shelley, how you liking California?
- We live in California.

So you must really like it.

- Hi, Lisa. So nice to see you again.
- Hi, Alan, long time.

See, isn't this great?
This is why we all come together.

We break up, we make up,

but in the end, the love is the love
and the family is the family.

Ease up on the wine, Charlie.

No, he's right, and Alan,
Sheldon and I want you to know

that even though you and our daughter
are no longer married,

we will always think of you as our son.

What the hell's
that supposed to mean, Ma?

It means that, even though
you loused up your marriage,

we still love him.

Thanks a lot, Dad.
I appreciate the blame.

This is really Judith's family.
Let's go find mine.

- Hey, Berta. Look who's here.
- Hi, Berta.

Honey,
don't tell me you're back here again.

Don't you ever learn?

As a matter of fact, I think I have.

Good for you. You can do so much better.

And remember,
you may have two grandmothers,

but only one of them has enough money
to send you to medical school.

What if I don't want to go
to medical school?

Then you'd break
your grandmommy's heart

- just like your father did.
- Dad's a doctor.

No, sweetheart.
Your father's a chiropractor.

That's a masseuse without the hot oil.

- Go play with your friends.
- I'm the only kid here.

You might want to think about
why that is.

I want more money.

Hey, Mom.

You remember Lisa, right?
We used to live together.

No, I don't. I'm sorry. Hello, dear.

My son has had so many little roommates.

I just hope you've got better taste

than the one who picked out
his hideous furniture.

Hey, who's got unresolved issues
with her now?

Did it ever occur to you
that you might want to support me,

- your daughter?
- Why can't we support Alan, too?

- Because I'm divorcing him.
- Who told you to go and do that?

It's very sweet of you

to go to all this trouble,
but who are you kidding?

The plaid shirt,
the sweater vest, the kid actor.

No, that's really my nephew.

I love you, Charlie,
but you're not gonna change my mind.

- Live with me.
- Charlie.

- No, I'm serious. Move back in.
- Really? And then what?

And then, we'll see.

Wow, a commitment to "see. "

And what finger does that ring go on,
Charlie?

- You know what I mean.
- I know exactly what you mean.

You want me to waste
a couple of more years of my life

on a relationship
that's absolutely doomed to fail.

Not your life, our life.

Look, I appreciate your feelings for me,
but I have to tell you,

I really think your daughter deserves
a lot of respect.

It takes real courage to make changes
in your life and not worry

- about what everybody thinks.
- Thank you, Alan.

That's true.

The lesbians of my generation were
too scared to come out of the closet.

Does that mean what I think it means?

- You haven't told them?
- No.

I thought it would be more appropriate
coming from your mother.

I'm sorry, did I faux pas?

- Yes, just get her out of here.
- Mom...

What was I thinking?

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sorry I'm late, but I didn't
realize you're having a party.

- Hi, I'm Rose.
- Hi.

Don't worry. Charlie and I had sex once,
but now we're just friends.

Who's ready for mystery pie?

If you were living here,
these kinds of things

probably wouldn't happen.

Here it is.

Berta, nice looking bird,

thanks for blowing off your family
and cooking for ours.

Shove over.

Are we gonna go around the table
and say what we're thankful for?

Me, I got one.

I'm thankful for the food we eat,
and thankful for the friends we meet.

I'm thankful for my comfy seat.

I'm thankful for the birdie's feet.

White with foam, God bless America

- Pull up, Rose.
- Sorry.

- Jake, why don't you go?
- Okay.

I'm thankful for my mom and dad,
and my Uncle Charlie,

"who has shown in the few short months
that I've been here

"that he is capable of... "

Significant.

"... significant change and growth. "

- Too obvious?
- Little bit.

Okay, well, I'm thankful
that I can spend the holiday with

all the people I love,
and all the people who love me,

and Judith.

I'm thankful I'll be dead someday
and you'll all feel horrible

you weren't nicer to me.

And I'm thankful that our daughter

gave us at least one grandchild
before she...

I'm thankful I finally found a therapist

who has no compunction
about prescribing powerful sedatives.

I'm thankful I can sit here
and listen to you rich people whine

while my family's scrabbling for a corn
dog at the Pomona Fairgrounds.

- Charlie?
- No, you first.

I'm thankful for you,

and I hope you'll always be my friend.

Okay, well, I'm thankful for you, too.

And I'm thankful for everybody
coming together today

as unwitting participants
in my desperate charade.

Amen.

Okay, maybe I should carve the turkey.

I'll handle that for you, Son.

- No, you both sit down. I'll do it.
- No, Mom, I can do it.

No, don't be ridiculous.

- No, I insist. I would love to.
- I appreciate the hospitality.

Okay, everybody, stop!

Mom, give me the knife.

Charlie, don't be silly.
You don't know how to carve a turkey.

Maybe not,
but I'm the head of this household,

and the head of the household
is supposed to carve the turkey.

Why, because you saw it
on some TV show?

- I swear, you are just like your father.
- No, I am not just not like my father.

My father was afraid of you, and I'm not

anymore.

Okay, there was one unresolved issue.

Charlie, now you're being foolish.
Give me the knife and sit down.

Back off, lady.

Every Thanksgiving,
you took the knife away from Dad,

and when you did that,
you took away his manhood.

You're not gonna take it away from me.

There, see, it's carved.

It's carved with my manhood.

I don't think I'm very hungry anymore.

Lisa, marry me.

- Marry you? You want me to marry you?
- Yes,

you know, eventually.

You sure you don't want
some turkey for the road?

No, I'm fine.

So, are you gonna invite me
to your wedding?

Charlie.

Will you at least call me
when you get divorced?

You'll be first on my list.

- For what it's worth, I do love you.
- I know that.

- Best of luck.
- Thank you.

You look good in long pants.

Thanks.

Charlie,

we're still eating.