Two Weeks to Live (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

Can I have some breakfast please?

It's 3 quid for a cup of
coffee and a bacon sandwich.

And obviously if you want it
heated up it is another tenner.

Oh! OK.

That's the orange ones, right?

Hah!

And it's another tenner
to park your jeep.

Of course. Ahh.....
There you go.

Excuse me, love. You do realise
that he's taking the...

...uhhh, why don't you go
to the bathroom, Mandy?

Use the big mirror - eh?



You can put lipstick on a pig, man.
It's still a pig.

Yeah! Yeah!
Fuck Off!

May I use your bathroom?

Of course you can, darling.

Ten pounds.

Can I help?

Why do you work for a man who
speaks to you like that?

No idea darling. It's probably the
same reason that I married the bastard.

Why do you stay married to a
man who doesn't love you?

You are weird.

You foreign or something?
You don't sound foreign.

Sort of.

Can I have some of that?

Just have the lot, darling.
It is cheap shit anyway.



And listen.
That fellow of mine just stole from you.

You do know that, don't you?

You can be a right arsehole
sometimes, Carl. You know that...

The fuck...

Heyy.....Stop

Is everything okay?

Not really, no.

You forgot your bacon sarnie.

That's okay, Mandy.
I've had enough pig for one day.

Aaaawwww...

Aaaawwww...
God. Got me right in the eye.

You know what, if it is alright
with you I will have that sandwich.

It just... the pig line just
came to me and I kinda

just rolled with it but I really am
quite starving

so thanks so much.
That's really nice of you.

See you.

Ohhhh.. just warming the old girl up.

Here we go....

All I am saying is, you have
never been very good with women.

What has that got to do with anything?

Well, you have just been dumped, kid.

Yeah, by someone I went
out with for three years.

I'm not having a go, mate.
I'm just saying when it

comes to girls you have always
been a duck out of water.

What...So completely fine then?

Eehhh?

Ducks are amphibious Jay, so they are
completely fine in or out of water.

Bullshit!

What do you mean, bullshit?

This is what I am talking about, Ron.
No one

cares about all of your
univers-y bullshit.

We two learnt that in year 2, Jay.
That's not even junior school.

OK, look. The point is

no matter how clever you think you are
you are never gonna get anywhere, cause

you got shit clothes.

Right!

A shit haircut.

OK.

And...dick like a burst balloon.

I've got a perfectly average sized penis, Jay.

(Girls sniggering)

OK. Do you wanna get over Ellie?

Not really.

Do you wanna prove
that you are a big man?

Obviously not.

OK then, you have to speak to the
next woman that walks in this pub.

Whoever they are.

I literally said no to both those things.

Hey, do you want me to say it?

No!

I'm gonna...

Don't.

I will say it.

Don't say it.

I shall say it.

Please don't.

I'm gonna say it.

I rather you didn't.

You are my little brother...
and...

Pfffffhh

I..I..I love yooouu!

And I want you to have some fun.
Alright?

No! This is not non negotiable.

You mean it is, non negotiable.

What?

Don't worry.

Ooohhh

Little brother - look...

Welcome my friend to the
woman of my dreams.

wooooaaahh!

I am so sorry.

I will get you another one.
at... the bar.

Ooohh, sorry.
Sorry.

Aaww.
Aaww.

Aaww.
Aaww.

You alright?

Can I have a glass of cider?

Sure.

And..whatever the angry looking
man behind me was drinking.

Thank you.

Can I ask you something?

Yes.
Yeah - fire away, amigo.

Huh! Not amigo.
Just friend.

Uhh. Not that we're friends.

Although they do say a stranger
is a friend you haven't met yet.

We have technically met, haven’t we?

I consider it sort of depends
on definition, so like...

Sorry, you had a question.

Yes.

This is definitely a shoe, right?

Yeahh...

I mean, I just feel like there has been
some sort of a fundamental mistake.

I mean...

...no one else seems
to be wearing them.

Right.

Sorry, It's just that I
never really dress up

this smart before and
I'm feeling a bit...

Yeah. No no no.
Completely. That's...

It's the same for the film 'She's all that'
and look what happened there.

What did happen there?

Oh, at the start of the film
everyone's like 'she's

a gnome" and at then she pops
this dress on by the end

and then everyone's kicking
themselves, cause they are

like "Ahh, turned out that
she wasn't all bad all along."

It's a classic.
You've gotta watch it.

OK.

I put it on my list.

Wow, so this was taken
on their first date?

Yeah, that's wanted
this place to be my first pub.

I thought it would be nice to
come for a drink here with dad.

Oh, is he coming down?

Oh, sort of.

You are leaning on him.

Oh God! I'm so...I'm so sorry.

Oh my God
I...I...

You don't need to apologise to him.
He's dead.

He can't hear you.

You want to ask me, don’t you?

Ask you?

Why this is my first time in a pub.

Or in those shoes.

Or why the only 4 films, I have
seen in my life are Terminator 2,

Shawshank Redemption,
Home Alone 2 and Braveheart.

Yeahhh. You know, I do actually.

I am afraid I've got some bad news, Nicky.

Kim?

Kim?

It's your turn to disembowel
dinner when you got a sec.

Kim?

Dear Mum

I'm sorry for leaving, but I knew
that you would try and stop me.

The thing is...

...I finally feel ready to try new things.

Work out what's out there for me.

And make things right...

...for Dad.

For all of us.

I'm not a little belle anymore.

I can look after myself, Mom.

The world is a scary place.

But it is just like he said in that beautiful
poem he wrote for my 21ˢᵗ birthday.

"I've got all my life to live."

"And all my love to give."

"And as long as I know how to love."

‎"I know I will stay alive."

'I will survive, Mum.'

Love
Kim

So just to be clear - the end of
the world is coming tomorrow?

No. I am saying it could be
tomorrow, but when it does

happen the more off grid you
are the better chance you'll have.

So, how is that gonna happen?

Nuclear war.
Probably.

Oh!
But it could be artificial intelligence.

Polar ice caps melting.

The next outbreak of fish measles
could wipe us out entirely.

I'm sorry? Fish...

My mum always said the
defining feature of humanity

is in patience. Even in it's destruction.

Our mum always says one cheese toastie
is never enough but two is always too much.

You are only making fun of me because the
government is hiding how bad it truly is.

If you had any idea...

No, no. I am on your side, bro.

Don't believe their lies, man.

Like yeah guys. Shall we just get
on a spaceship and go to the moon.

As if man. One giant leap
for fucking bullshit me.

Okay. All right. So Kim, you
said your mom told you all this.

You think we're wrong then?

Well no. I'm just saying.

I think even if we are all fucked,
I'd rather take my chances in

the real world, than hide out in
the middle of nowhere in a cave.

It's a hut. My mum only
makes me sleep in the cave

when the bald man comes
to fix the generator.

Yeah, that thing breaks
down a lot.

What does that mean?

Okay, fun thought. Let's say
it is the end of the world

and we will have two weeks to live.
What would you do?

Easy. I'd marry my girlfriend on
like a roller coaster or something.

Nice.

Nicky?

I would ride a lot of pain.
Seek out the majesty of nature.

Oh really?

Nah. I'd eat donuts and try
to have sex with people.

That's good, because if no one
wanted to have sex with you,

then you could just
use the donuts.

That was my thinking exactly.

Alright. Go on Kim, what about you?

Ummm. Sex and donuts
sounds good to me.

Well, there we are guys. To
the end of the world, baby.

Me and Ellie have been
together three years.

Met at uni.

You know how it goes.

I guess it was a mutual then?

It was actually.

It was a mutual decision between
her and her new boyfriend.

Don't you have to
take your pollution pill?

What?

You are immunised, I guess.

Did your mom give you
those by any chance?

Yeah.

I can't believe this your first
trip into civilisation.

Like...

...ever.

Well, I did the supply run a few times?

But I guess that's just in and out so...

And why did you
decide to leave now?

I haven't left.

I'm going back.

Just felt like now is a
good time to

cross some things off my list...
I guess.

You and Jay are quite
different then?

My dad died when we were kids.

So that's all...
for us together.

I'm sorry.

I feel bad now.

That's alright.

He had this
landscaping business.

And me and Jay, we've
always had this plan to

resurrect it.

But you don't want to?

I studied English at Uni.

I've been offered this
internship in London.

It's going to
break his heart.

So, how did your dad die?

Heart attack.

Yours?

Yes, same.

He died when I was six. It's kind of the reason
why me and mom left in the first place.

It's funny.

My dad died the exact same day
my little cousin was born.

We've moved past my
aunt in the hospital.

It's like there's a finite amount
of love allowed in the world.

He's added.

And you got a pour bit out to
make room for the next bit.

Guys!

Oh my God!
Come quick!

You're not gonna believe this.
You guys need to come right now.

Kim, your mom was right.
It is is happening.

Dude, it is fucking happening.

But it's okay, because I found
some donuts in the kitchen.

Oh my God!

Is this is happening right now?

How does it stop?

Kim, there isn't any...

Chlorinated chicken

and....

climate change.

Combined.

OK, One of us needs to call the WHO.

The who?
Exactly.

What?
Oh, never mind, I need to go.

Hold on a sec.

I just don't believe it. You
spend your whole life thinking

world's gonna end in the blink of
an eye and then suddenly it is.

Hold on two seconds. Don't worry,
there is nothing actually..

Nicky, this is such
a serious situation.

There's nothing actually what?

There is nothing actually...
Dud....

That we can do right now.

You're right.

This isn't funny.

Kid's fucking insane!

Jay!

It is just a little joke because
the whole sex, donut and

end of the world thing. I didn't
think she would actually believe it.

Oh.

KIM!

KIM!

Get in the car.

Don't worry dad.

There's enough time.

Where the hell is
she going, anyway?

Just shut up and follow her.

KIM!

KIM!

KIM!

I can't believe she actually fell for it.

She's probably never seen
the internet before.

Of course she fell for it.

Why didn't she realise on
the drive over?

Because it's the middle
of the night, even if

it was true no fucker
would be awake to see it.

Stop worrying man.

Look, whoever she's gone
in there to see will

tell her that it is a
joke and that's that.

What's the problem?

I had chance to say
something and I didn't.

She's gonna think I'm a right dick.

It was just a little joke.

She's gonna think it's hilarious?

Is she though?

Look, if she doesn't. What is
the worst that can happen?

Trust me.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Ian!

Is that you, playing silly
buggers downstairs?

Ian!

Ian!

Hello, Jimmy.

Remember me?

Aahhhh-ummmmhhh.