Twin Peaks (2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - Part 5 - full transcript

Coop is still trapped as Dougie, going through the motions, as his doppelganger schemes in jail. Meanwhile, new information on Major Garland Briggs turns up.

We just drove by. His car's still there.
What the hell, Gene?
Is he still inside?
Can't tell, but the lights are on in there.
Fuck, Gene! This job was supposed to be done yesterday.
Are you trying to get me killed?
What do you want us to do?
We're all over it.
She's a worrier.
Cause of death...
Took me a while, but I think
someone cut this man's head off.
Here's the headline.
Actually, I just gave you the headline.
Yeah, I'm still doing standup on the weekends.
This man hadn't eaten for days,
at least not any food,
but I found this in his stomach.
Maybe it's just me, but I'd start with the wife.
It's inscribed.
Yes, it says...
"To Dougie,
with love, JaneyE."
And now food is coming.
You're still with me.
That's good.
Could you send in Steven, please?
Sir, you wanted to see me?
Yes, I wanted to see you. Sit down.
Yeah, well, not great.
You think you're some sort of hotshot?
Excuse me?
This résumé is one of the worst written
I've ever seen,
and you didn't even fill out this form properly.
Not even close. It's incomplete.
It's worse than sloppy.
I wanted to see you to tell you
that if you ever want to find work anyplace,
then you better get your act together,
do things properly, and start showing some respect
for a possible future employer,
because based on this shit, you'd never get hired here,
and I would never recommend you for any work, anyplace.
Now, you can get up and get your ass out of here.
What an asshole.
That's rough.
When do you get those tests back?
Sheriff Truman?
Your wife is here.
She went to your office, and you weren't there.
I could have told her that.
Hold on a minute.
She is now walking
to Deputy Chief Hawk's office,
where you are.
Thank you, Lucy.
Doris is coming.
You hang tough, Harry.
Okay. I'll check in with you tomorrow.
Why aren't you in your office?
Because I'm here.
You making fun of me?
What is it, Doris?
Dwight's got diarrhea.
The twins are coming this weekend.
He got in the upper cupboard again.
And I am not going another day with a leaking pipe.
It soaked the pantry floor,
and we're gonna get that black mold, Frank!
Did you call them?
They're very busy.
They know all about the leaking pipe
and promise to have it fixed by tomorrow night.
So I have to go a full day with a leaking pipe?
Do you realize what this is gonna cause?
You have a bucket under it?
But it filled up,
and it slopped all over the floor.
I can't keep my eye on a bucket all day, Frank.
Can you get a bigger bucket?
So I can spend money on a bucket
that we'll probably never use again,
but I can't spend money
on that new rug that I really like.
Is that it?
That is not fair, Frank.
And what about Dad's car?
I'm not gonna have him killed
in that damn deathtrap car.
I told you this.
Sammy looked at it,
and it's fine.
About two hours ago.
Well, I wish you would've called me.
I've been just waiting at the house
in case Dad needed a ride somewhere.
You're impossible!
Go get in the car, Sonny Jim.
Okay, I hid the money.
I counted it...
Don't worry. It's in our secret place.
Now, when you get to work, call them and set up a time
and pay them their 50 grand, okay?
Then we'll be free and clear.
Okay, Dougie, you're acting weird as shit.
Just don't forget to call them, okay?
And no more drinking and gambling.
Now get going. You'll be late for work.
Damn. Your car.
Okay, get in. I'll drive you.
Where is your car, anyway?
In the car!
Get out of the car, Dougie.
I think you're having one of your episodes.
Now listen to me.
You need to pull yourself together
and get to work.
Get out of this car now.
Get out of this car and go to work.
Dougie, get to work.
Off in dreamland again, Dougie?
Get the lead out, pal.
Staff meeting starts in three minutes.
Seven up.
All right.
Sorry, Dougie. I didn't get one for you.
I didn't even know if you'd be here today.
- Coffee. - All right.
You can have Frank's.
He never drinks his, anyway,
and I got an extra green tea.
Maybe he'll like that?
Damn good joe, Dougie?
- Damn good joe. - Yeah, yeah.
It's pretty damn good.
Hey, thanks for coming in.
I hope everything's okay.
Yeah, no problem.
You all right?
I don't know him.
come on, pal.
Come along.
Look who's back from Bendersville.
With a new haircut.
I covered for your ass, pal.
You owe me bigtime for that.
What'd you do?
Did you go drinking in a steam bath?
Yeah. Good morning.
Did you get my note?
No, I didn't get your note.
I sent you one.
Tell it to your wife, Darren.
Hey, Phil.
I gave Dougie your coffee. I'm sorry.
He really wanted it.
Do you want this green tea latte?
I wa... I want that.
I'll try it.
All right, let's get started.
Sit down, Dougie.
Cut the shit, Dougie.
Hey, come here. Come here.
Hey, Dougie.
Right here. Come on.
Tony, lead us off.
Okay, I've got, 16 new claims this week,
and two claims from last week
have been processed and approved,
so we have to pay out.
Which ones are those?
The Beakers, who had
the broken water main and Littlefield.
Forensics made Littlefield for arson.
There... there's no arson, Bushnell.
Um, the inspectors cleared it. It checks out.
It's legit.
We have to honor the claim.
He's lying.
What'd you say?
What did you say?
Are you calling me a liar, Dougie?
Hey, where the hell do you get off calling me a liar?
What do you mean by that, Dougie?
I want you in my office as soon as we're finished here.
So, like I was saying,
Littlefield's legit.
May I continue?
Is that okay with you, Dougie?
My friend?
Close the door behind you...
on your way out.
Dougie, where do you get the stones
to call my best agent a liar?
He closes more cases in a week
than you do in a month.
This is serious, Dougie. This is no game.
Okay, Dougie, we'll play a game.
It's a homework game,
since you missed the last two days of school,
smart guy.
I want you to take these case files
home with you tonight.
I need a full assessment on each case.
And what you come back with tomorrow
will have a whole hell of a lot to do with your future
at this company.
Case files.
Is the men's room locked?
Come on, I'll sneak you in the ladies'.
Come on.
You know, I was thinking...
maybe I'll let you kiss me now, handsome.
Okay, go ahead.
I'll keep watch.
I'll tell him now.
They're on their way up.
Thirty jackpots in a row.
We haven't paid out that many in a year.
Turn him around.
How much did that man there on the television win?
Four hundred twenty f...
And you're trying to tell us that you weren't in on this?
How much did that man win, again?
You're fucking fired.
Get him out of here.
Leave town.
Don't ever come back.
You got his job.
You let us know
if this man ever comes in here again.
Fuck off, kid! Get the fuck out of here!
All done, Jade.
Hey, you got a john in the state of Washington?
Found this hotel key in your car.
Give me a second, Chris.
Toad, bread's here.
Hey, Toad.
Hiya, Becky.
- Thank you. - Thank you, dear.
What's up?
I can't stand this.
I need some more money.
I'm sorry.
He's looking for work.
That's a lot.
He will find a job.
- Honey, I can give you this. - Okay.
- But this is all I got. - Thanks. I love you.
I love you, too, Becky.
Shelly, this is the third time
she's asked you for money in two weeks.
I know.
If you don't help her now,
it's gonna get a lot harder to help her later.
We both know that tune, don't we?
How much money did we get?
- Aw. - $72.
Hey, cheer up. I'm good for it.
I'll pay her back.
They're watching us.
I'm gonna roll.
Kiss me.
And now I'm gonna take my girl out to dinner.
Hey, I saved some for you.
Want a taste?
Did you take all of that today?
Why wouldn't I?
For my interviews. You know how nervous I get.
Come on.
Besides, I got some
great fucking feedback today.
I'll tell you all about it at dinner.
And in between, I'll tell you...
how much I love you,
and I'll tell you how beautiful you are,
and I'll tell you
how sexy you are,
and those tits, how majestic they are,
and that ass... give me a break,
and I'll get you some bread.
Because I heard you've been
kneading it all day.
I love how your eyes close
whenever you kiss me.
And when I'm away from you,
I love how you miss me.
- Okay, all right, buddy. - Excuse us.
- Come on. - Come on, Dougie, move!
- We have arrived. - Hello?
- Come on! - Dougie, come on.
- Jeez! - Get out of the way.
Have you found any Indians?
II haven't found any Indians.
No, Andy.
It's seven o'clock.
Do you know where your freedom is?
Coming to you live
and electrified from studio A,
high atop the escarpments of White Tail Peak,
the roof... ruff, ruff...
Of the American Hindu Kush,
this is Dr. Amp
doing the vamp for liberty,
climbing the ramp to justice,
and lighting the lamp of freedom.
what's on your mind tonight?
I mean, you know I'm gonna tell you what's on mine.
We're sinking down deep in the mud,
and the fucks are at it again!
The same vast global corporate conspiracy.
Different day.
You can't see it without a cosmic flashlight.
Guess what.
I've got one.
And its beam, it penetrates
the igneous rock of ignorance.
It flips that rock over,
and there they are, exposed,
wriggling, squirming,
crawling on their bellies like foul maggots,
frantically racing back to the cover of darkness
that they so crave.
We're coming for you.
Yeah, we're coming for you.
Let's just see what they're cooking up today.
I know what I'll be cooking up.
Know the ingredients.
Just read what's on the box.
In fact, read between the lines.
What's lurking in that... That toaster waffle,
those muffins...
that frozen children's treat?
Deadly poisons.
That's what's there.
And what's waiting for you?
Autoimmune disorders!
Pulmonary embolism!
Psoriasis, eczema!
Cardiac arrest!
Where are the cops when we need them?
bodyimage bullshit,
microbial toxins, bacterial toxins,
environmental toxins!
Our air, our water, our earth.
The very soil itself!
Our food!
Our bodies poisoned!
huckleberry extract
in clean, boiled water
from the pure, artesian springs
of White Tail Peak.
Fuck that acai berry shit from the Amazon.
In the immortal words of Pete Seeger,
if I had a hammer...
Guess what.
I've got a hammer.
You must see,
hear, understand, and act.
Act now.
Friends, we all live in the mud.
In the shit!
Shovel your way out of the shit.
This is your shiny, gold shovel.
Two coats, guaranteed.
Shovel your way out of the shit
and into the truth.
Dig yourself out of the shit... $29.99.
That's right.
Only $29.99 plus shipping.
Accept no substitute.
Get yours now.
You can go in now.
We got another database hit
on prints for Major Garland Briggs.
Major Garland Briggs.
All right.
And how many is that?
This would be the 16th time.
Sixteen hits in, what, 25 years?
And where'd this one come from?
Buckhorn, South Dakota.
Another wildgoose chase, I bet,
but we got to check it out.
You ever been to South Dakota, Cindy?
I hear it's lovely this time of year.
And remember, if this is real...
But it won't be...
But if it's real,
we have to alert the FBI.
I'm booking the flight.
First class, Cindy.
Yeah, right.
I have to ask you to stop smoking.
Put that cigarette out.
Make me.
I'll take care of this.
Just make sure he stops smoking in here.
Give me a smoke.
Keep the whole pack.
Thanks, buddy.
Hey, can I have a light?
Come here.
Sit down.
- Hey. - Hey what?
Hey, what's your name?
- Charlotte. - Yeah?
You want to fuck me, Charlotte?
You want to fuck?
No. No, stop it.
Hey, leave her alone.
Little fucking smoking babies.
Makes me laugh.
I'm gonna laugh when I fuck you, bitch!
One phone call.
Thank you, Warden Murphy.
Are we recording?
Recording everything.
Now that everyone's here,
I will make my phone call.
Now, who should I call?
Should I call Mr. Strawberry?
What the hell?
No, I don't think I'll call Mr. Strawberry.
I don't think he's taking calls.
I know.
I know who to call.
What the hell?
How is he doing this? How is he doing this?
Did he make a call? What number did he dial?
The cow jumped over the moon.
What did this guy just do?
There's no loitering here, sir.
Move it along, champ.