Turn Up Charlie (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Where is this boy?

Ah. Disrespectful. Always late.

- Oh.
- Mm.

- Good mornin'!
- You are late.

Am I? Huh.

Who is right?
Your mother or your watch?

My Mamma.

You. make me coffee, quick.
Quick, quick.

How is business?

Everybody at the label's so happy
about... Hold on a minute. What is it?

What did I say to you?
Not now, I'm on the phone!



- Who is it?
- Oh!

- Mm-hm.
- Excuse me, Mum.

Brother! Man like Stormz.

I can't wait to get on that record. Yes.

Course I wanna do it.
No, I'll call you back.

The glory of God
is radiating over our family.

Praise God.

- Uh-huh.
- Your cousin Emmanuel in Manchester...

Mm-hm, who is your age.

...has been promoted!

Oh. Wanker.

- And is having a baby!
- Is it?

Not one. Two!

- Twins!
- Twins. Yeah...



So, how are you?

Things are not easy,
but we are powering through.

- Mm.
- Uh...

How is my Alicia?

Alicia? She's good. She's good.

She's, um...

married to her work.

What did I tell her last time we visited?

Baby first, business after.

She doesn't want to end up
like my poor sister Lydia.

- Childless and alone.
- Mm.

I wish I was childless and alone.

Hey, get off the phone before
the Skeep money runs out.

No, Dad... Dad, Skype is free.

- Nothing in life is free, boy.
- Mm-hm.

- Mm-hm.
- My dear Charles, our car has died.

- Oh, no.
- And the cooker turns off when it wants.

- Oh, no.
- Not when I want.

Well, erm... you know what?
Don't worry about it, Mum.

- I can't have my parents like that.
- No!

I'm gonna send money.

- Hallelujah!
- Mm-hm!

Without your help, we might have
to sell the house in London.

- What?
- Then where will you and my sister live?

- Mm.
- Please send Lydia our regards.

I will.

- And, son...
- Yeah?

- Please shave.
- Mm. Smart on the outside,

smart on the inside.
- On the inside!

Okay, I love you.

Charlie. One day, your lives
will become so tangled,

you won't remember the truth.

- Mm-hm.
- Oi! He's not lyin'.

He's protectin' his parents, man.

From the shame and disappointment
of his life right now.

Thanks, bro.
Always lookin' out for me.

Mm-mm. He is insulting you.

So, you want to give more money
for a new car and stove, eh?

That money belongs in these walls,
heating your water.

Listen, there'll be plenty of money
to go around. Trust me.

I'm on David's payroll now.

Payroll, eh? Hah!

You?
You can't even keep a plant alive.

How are you going to
take care of a little girl?

I'm just keeping an eye on her.

While they settle in. That's it.

- Oh.
- Because you're the nanny, innit?

No, I'm not the nanny.
I'm just helpin' out some mates.

And they're gonna help me out. Yeah.

Check this out, right?
So, picture this, okay?

Gabrielle's in bed asleep, my job's done.

Sara's in the studio.
I go down to the studio.

Guess what? She goes,
"Oh, Charlie, let's make a tune."

I jump on the mic, she loves it,
number one hit, bang.

Bang. Bang what?

Bang, the child is dead,

because you're too busy making music
instead of protecting your charge.

I'm the one that needs protectin'.
She's got a gob on her.

You should have seen the way
she treated that last nanny. Pfft.

Yo, listen, just so we know.

You're admittin' that
you are the nanny, yeah?

- Shut up, you.
- You're the mamma.

You know, you need
to discipline that girl.

- Take my wooden spoon with you.
- What? No.

Whoa, you can't hit kids no more, man.

- Aah.
- Listen, Charlie. Just...

You need to connect
with this yout' on her level.

Yeah? Be her friend.

How am I supposed to be a friend
to a spoilt 11-year-old?

They all like Taylor Swift
and vampire facials.

Vampire what?

You know, like, the Real Housewives,
Kourtney Kardashian, all them.

It's a facial that makes you look nice,
is basically it.

Stop talking nonsense!

Unicorns, my brother. Unicorns.

- Unicorns. Okay.
- Yeah!

And when that doesn't work,
you bring her here, we try it my way, eh?

Just one tap, that's it.

Okay. Listen...

Erm...

Wish me luck!

- I'm bringin' in the bacon!
- Luck is for unbelievers. Eh?

I believe in you, bro, I believe in you.

I know you do.
Hey! That's gone off, you know.

And you know, Jesus did not die

so that a man your age
could be a childminder.

Eh? Charlie! And don't slam my...

Door.

- Who do you want?
- Not David's publicist.

He's the worst.

- The dude absolutely, definitely...
- Really?

Is nowhere sacred in this house?

This is meant to be a work-free zone.

I'll stop having meetings in your bedroom

when you stop screwing in the studio.

Hey! What's happenin'?

Hey, the man has arrived.

Hey, don't call me that.

- Hey! Hello.
- What time are we going to the party?

And which dress screams
"I'm cooler than you"?

What party?

Mom's buying her way into
the UK music scene with her big bucks.

It's crass and pushy, but she's got
big balls so is doing it anyway.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mine and your mom's emails are private.

This is a work thing.
And it's a new country with new people,

and I have to make a good first
impression.

Please let me come.

Please don't make me spend
another tedious day with him.

You can do something fun with Charlie.

Hey, listen, I'm proper fun.
Real time, fun times.

I've got a great idea. How about
I come to the party too,

and bring Gabs, and watch her?

I got a better idea.

We could go and be cool,

and Charlie can be alone at home.

Okay, I know what we're gonna do.

You get to come to the party.

Charlie comes along
and looks after you.

Great idea.

- Wear that dress.
- Thank you.

Yeah.

High-five. No?

Okay, let's do the list one more time.

Hey.

Listen, I... I, er... love your room,

but I think you need to put some posters
on the wall, you know, like, er...

Beyoncé, Taylor Swift...
You know what I mean? Like...

There are more admirable women
to stick up on my wall

than a couple of
vacuous pop stars

singing about how men have scorned them.

Men! Who needs them?

Ugh.

Hey, listen. I, er... I brought you
something to celebrate my first day.

How adorbs is that?

Why are you talking
like an Instagram wannabe?

And buying me crap?

W... Er...

Listen, I'm just trying to connect
on your level, hon.

Listen, hon.

You have two options.

Quit being my nanny, or don't.

We was in Camden, we hung out,
and we were friends, remember?

It's not real friendship
if my parents are paying you.

Just give me one shot. Just give me
one shot to prove myself,

and if you hate me tomorrow,
which you will not, because I'm adorbs,

then you can tell your mum and dad

you don't want me to work with you
anymore, and I'll leave.

But until then, let's just be friends.

Let's be friends for today,
for your mum's party. Deal?

I have a blue belt Krav Maga,

I have an IQ of 130

and I speak three languages.

Also, I beatbox.

What do I need a nanny for?

Oi!

Why'd you...

Coming down to my level?

Is this the behave yourself chat?

Sweetheart, I want you
to stay with Charlie.

Is that a direct order,
or can I sweet-talk my way

into hanging out
with you instead?

I'm afraid it's a direct order.

Ugh!

Don't let her out of your sight.

Definitely not.

Good luck, Mom!

- David, darling.
- Hi!

Why are you here?

How are you? Mwah!

Fantastic to see you. Can I just
introduce you to the editor of GQ?

They're about to start discussions
regarding Man of the Year.

- Oh, really?
- Dad.

One minute.

- Right, so it's you and me, kid. Okay.
- Don't touch me.

Listen, I wasn't touching, all right?

Where do you wanna start?

Dance floor or the bar...

That's Craig David!

Wow, that's Craig David!

Let's look cool, yeah?

That's Craig Dav...

Just...

So, that's an apple plum sour.

Mm. Yeah.

Too sharp?

Okay, try that one. Screwdriver.

There you are.

Hiya! Listen, er...

No disrespect, but I am pretty sure...

...giving the child alcohol is a no-no.

Depends whose team you're on.

Yeah, I'm on the accountable adult
trying not to get fired team.

- Ooh!
- Also known as

the sucky get paid
to do what you're told team.

- That needs more vodka.
- All right, that's enough of that.

I mean, listen, er...

I don't mean to overstep
my boundaries here but, you know,

I'm responsible for what happens to her.

That girl is unbreakable.

She's hilarious and intelligent

and she could manipulate you into eating
your own shit if she wanted to.

- That's the problem right there!
- No, no, they think that is the problem.

Okay.

Treat her like a kid,
and she will act like a kid.

Treat her like an adult and it will
make your life easy.

- Uh-huh.
- And there was no booze in that drink.

Give me that.

Flattery and illusion are the key
to keeping her on side.

Ooh, you know that Gabrielle's over there
rolling some rapper's joint?

Oh, she's ju...

Gabs! What are you doing?

- What? I'm not doing anything!
- What is that? Who gave that to you?

- Did you guys give this to her?
- Oh, my God, don't yell at him!

- What are you talking about?
- Nah, I'm just...

- Shot?
- Yeah, I'll do one. Let's do that.

Aah.

Come on, cheer up, Gabri-smella!

"Gabri-smella?"

You think I haven't heard that one before?

I can't tell if your overwhelming
idiocy is cute or cringe.

No way! Because I was trying
to figure the same thing out about you.

You're smilin'.

Do not let that icy exterior crack.

- Shut up.
- You shut up.

This party sucks.

Mom and Dad are totally ghosting me.

Maybe you don't need
your mum and dad to have fun, eh?

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner."

Don't call me a baby.
I'm 11. I know I'm short.

Oh, no. Tell me you've seen Dirty Dancing.

- No.
- Come on, it's a classic.

How dirty is it?

No, no it's a movie.

Oh, is it like an 18?
Is my dad in it?

Hah! No, your dad is not in it.

I am calling child services,
'cause that is a serious case of neglect.

Let's go dance.

Bitch, please. I don't know where
that hand's been.

Hey, don't call me a... bitch.

Hello, trouble.

Hey, Craig. What's up?

Good! Whoo!

You two know each other?

Yeah, she was up on her mum's shoulders

at my TS5 Ibiza Rocks Pool Party,
having a wicked time.

Yeah, I'm Charlie, man. Charlie Ayo.

I know you.

- ♪ Spread love, baby ♪
- ♪ Baby ♪

I told you I was a big deal.

- What's the vibe? You gonna come back?
- Yeah, I'm gonna...

I'm just... a bit underground and that,
you know?

- Right, you're working with Sara.
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- He's my nanny.

What? No, she's exaggerating.

- Okay.
- Her dad and me go way back.

- Right.
- They're just settling into London.

I'm just... helping her out on that.
You know what I mean?

- Only one kind of rhymes I make, bro.
- Of course.

Not nursery rhymes!

Right, right.

But you are getting paid.

So technically, you are my nanny.

- Whoa.
- Yeah...

Listen, I understand, like, the royalties,
they dry up, you've gotta pay the rent...

Actually, he lives with his auntie.

Whoa. Er, you know, guys,
it was wicked seeing you.

- You gotta bounce?
- Please excuse me. Yeah.

- I'll see you guys next time.
- Yeah, man, wicked, man.

- See you, Craig!
- Yeah, man, see you later!

You embarrassed me on purpose.

That is not cool. Let me tell you
something, being bitchy isn't cute.

It's rude and makes you
less than yourself.

But Sara isn't helping you on a comeback.

Excuse me, yes she is. All right?

I have to look after you.
That's the deal.

And in return, she gives me studio time
to help me relaunch my career. Understood?

My mom doesn't even
have time to hang out with me.

Do you really think she's gonna
make time for you?

Hey! Don't...

Listen!

Gabs!

Come on.

Okay, get ready, people!

- Sara Caine will be on in three minutes.
- Excuse me! Coming through!

This is a no kid zone.

- Mom.
- Your mum's gettin' ready.

Sara!

You can't be up here, babe.

But I'm always allowed on stage.

That's how we roll.

People think I'm cute and precocious.

You don't even know what precocious means.
You read it in a press clipping.

Being bitchy isn't cute.

It's rude and it makes you
less than yourself.

Hey! Drop the attitude,
go and find Charlie and stay with him.

I don't need a nanny!

Stop behaving like a child!

Charlie's non-negotiable.

We'll see about that.

What's up, Fabric?

Give it up for Sara Caine!

Whoo!

Gabs! What are you doin'?

Gabs, stop it!

Oh, Gabs.

What have you done?

Charlie, take her home.

Aah.

- Listen, yeah?
- Yeah?

I fully like your cooking more than
my own mum's cooking. You know that?

- Of course.
- You're best.

- You know I can cook, innit.
- Yeah, I know.

It smells nice, eh?

Oh, yeah, that's enough.
Get your nose out my food now.

Okay!

- Hey, guys.
- Yo.

Ah, hey!

So, this must be little David's
little daughter.

Yeah, and she's giving me the silent
treatment right now. Aren't you?

Well, nothing wrong
with some peaceful meditation.

Are you hungry?

Oh, yeah? Dalip.

Kindly show our young guest
where to wash up.

- This way, kiddo. Come on,.
- Hurry up, Dalip.

This is our hallway.
My favorite part of the house.

What have you done?

Me? She is a disaster.

I mean, she is a disaster!

Eh. And now you have brought her
here for me to fix your mess.

Will you still get paid?

It's not always about the money.

Of course it's always about the money.

Your parents, they are waiting
for a new stove.

And you think this food grows on trees?

I mean, technically,
some food grows on trees, innit.

Listen, she threw me
under the bus, all right?

I think her mum and dad
are gonna fire me after day one.

- Nah, don't say that.
- No, seriously.

I mean, sometimes, I wanna cuddle her.

Give her a scoop... Hug her.

- Other days I wanna put her in a headlock.
- Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Do not allow a small child

to stand
between you and greatness.

- Do you want David's wife to help you?
- Yeah, of course I do.

So just... Oh, okay!

Let's eat, eh?

- Come on. Come on, sit down.
- Yes, please!

Yes.

Aah. Mm.

So...

- Gabrielle.
- Here.

Gabs-Gabs.

How do you think Charlie's
first day at work went?

Don't ask her that.

Terribly. He's an awful nanny.

Well, that is because

he's not trained
to be a childminder.

He's a friend doing your parents a favor.

My dad's just giving him money 'cause
he feels sorry for him.

They're the ones doing him the favor.

You are a very rude little girl.

Actually, I'm just precocious.

Do you know that means?

What's this?

That is fufu.

That's what I call my vagina.

- Oh!
- You say vagina at the dinner table?

- Come on, let's go.
- Okay, sit.

Sit... sit down, eh?

We are eating. So...

Don't you think Charlie
deserves a second chance

to prove himself as your nanny?

You know, a lamp
is not valued in the afternoon,

but it is appreciated at night.

That, my dear, is a Yoruba proverb.

Do you have any of your own opinions
or do you just spout proverbs?

Hey, watch your mouth.

Bringing you here was a big mistake.

No, agreeing to be my nanny
was a big mistake.

My parents will never see you more
than a loser old school friend.

Dad said that you wasted
all of your fortune on women and drugs,

and that you're a one-hit wonder
clinging to former glory.

Eww, gross! What's in this?

Mm-mm! That does it. Give me my spoon!

Man... Oh! Just leave the spoon...

All right.

Off you go.

Wait, you're not gonna take me in?

Nope. And you can explain to your parents
why I'm not comin' back tomorrow.

In fact, I'm not comin' back ever!
Get out!

- Wow!
- Yeah, wow.

- You're actually quitting?
- Mm-hm.

24 hours. This is a record.

Yeah, be proud of yourself.

You know, I am proud of myself!

Astrid, we have to do something.

Get them preview tickets to David's play.

Fine, then get them something they'd like.

Hey, you.

I hope you learnt a good lesson
at Aunt Lydia's today.

Where's Charlie?

He's using you. Just like everyone else.

He just wants Mom
to help him relaunch his music career.

Hedoesn't care about me.

What happened?

He's not my nanny anymore.

I don't think he's your friend either.

What did you say to him?

- Nothing you haven't said.
- Gabrielle!

That he's a one-hit wonder
with no chance of success.

Anything else?

That you're only giving him money
'cause he's poor.

And that he spends all his music money
on drugs and women.

What?

It's the truth.
You told me to always tell the truth.

Go to your room.

I haven't had any dinner.

Please, just go to your room.

This isn't fair!

God.

And for a Sunday treat...

Yo! You told David
where he can shove his millions, yeah?

Nah.

I quit.

No more nannyin' for me.

Hm. Charles.

I feed you, I house you,
and I pray for you.

I cannot protect you forever.

So, you have lost your job
and your friend, eh?

So, tell me what is next
so I can stop it before it happens.

David ain't my friend.

All right?

Not anymore.

My career's fucked.

I didn't get paid, and I can't
help my parents out.

Well, I have paid that one for you.

You are welcome.

My trip to Jerusalem can wait.

And we wouldn't want
your mother and father

asking questions about your business.

Or your business, innit?

- Is my business your business?
- Okay, I'm sorry, you're right.

Something of a retro treat, there.

I knew you couldn't go to bed
without eating something.

What does precocious mean?

It means...

it means someone who behaves
older than they are.

I'm sorry about the party, I really am.

I just wanted it to be like...

well, how we were on tour.

Yeah, but you said that made you unhappy.

So we made changes and now you're not
sticking to your end of the deal.

I just didn't think being a normal family
still meant being stuck with a nanny.

Maybe before covering
half my record label in foam,

you could have talked to me about it.

Like an adult.

That would have been
very precocious of me.

Dad's still angry.

Charlie is his best friend.

I mean, I know he's kind of goofy,
but he's not that bad, is he?

You're right.

He's cool

and funny.

I feel bad.

Good.

Feeling bad means you're not a sociopath.

What's a sociopath?

Eat your sandwich.

And, why,
you don't think I can do your thing?

- Don't change that.
- I just wanted to see Kylie!

You're not doing it like this.

Yeah, now...

Let me show you
how to do the thing.

Ooh!

That is special.