Tucker's Witch (1982–1983): Season 1, Episode 6 - Abra-Cadaver - full transcript
A dead symphony composer leads Amanda and Rick on a wild goose chase involving his corpse, a dangerous business smuggler, diamonds, and a French jewel thief.
- Let's go.
- Don't answer it.
- Maybe it's important.
- Maybe it's not important.
Hey, see, even Dickens
doesn't want you to answer it.
- Go on now, beat it, you Peeping Tomcat.
Yeah, this better be important, pal.
Yeah.
Well, we do have office
hours, Mr. Clayborne.
Yeah, Anton Bellagio.
Well, when did this happen?
A half hour ago?
It's five o'clock in the morning.
Okay, okay, look, calm down, calm down.
All right.
All right, we'll be over
there within an hour.
Yeah.
Bye.
That was the Clayborne Funeral Home.
- Yeah?
- You know Anton Bellagio?
- Yeah, he's a conductor, he
died a couple of days ago.
- Yeah, well somebody
just swiped his body.
- You idiot.
Couldn't you wait until I moved his car?
- Look, DeGrute, I did not remember
going over those things coming in.
- Now I have to find an
all-night gas station.
You stay here.
- Forget it.
What if a cop car comes?
You don't think they're gonna check me out
with four flat tires?
- All right.
You go, I stay.
- No.
I want to take the stiff
somewhere and I want to dump him.
I want out.
- Are you crazy?
We made a deal with Gurell.
- What if you wasted that guy back there?
That makes me an accomplice.
- Oh boy, you can't cross Gurell.
- I am not going back to the joint.
I'm getting out.
- I can't call the police,
Anton Bellagio was a celebrity.
The newspapers would have it in a minute
and my father would have a heart attack.
- Okay, okay, Mr. Clayborne,
we'll take your case.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Clayborne, could you
show us where the body was
when it was stolen?
- Certainly.
He died in Amsterdam, you know?
- I know, he was the guest
conductor at the concerto ball.
- Of course he was.
- We picked him up straight from customs.
He arrived here at 3:00 a.m.
By five in the morning, he was gone.
This is our main chapel.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
- Oh, it's lovely, lovely.
When is this funeral?
- Tomorrow at noon.
- Tomorrow?
- I know, and that's when the coffin
will be opened for viewing.
It'll be packed with celebrities.
Leonard Bernstein will be here.
Zubin Mehta will be here.
The only one who won't be
here is Anton Bellagio.
Oh god.
- He's late for his own funeral.
Sorry, it's a joke.
- The first time my
father puts me in charge
and this has to happen.
- Hey, it's not your fault.
- He's never had confidence in me.
Did you notice the sign outside?
It says Willard Clayborne Funeral Home.
He won't even change it to
Willard Clayborne and Son.
Now he probably never will.
- Who is this?
- Bet it's empty, huh?
- Well, people will be coming
in to pay their last respects.
I have to show them something.
- Yeah, so the coffin was
carried from here to where?
- The loading dock.
Follow me.
- And wasn't anyone on duty?
- No, except for the neighborhood patrol.
We also have an alarm system.
- They got by that?
- Right, it's an old Sterling.
I checked it coming in.
It's a piece of cake for a pro.
- Oh boy.
- You all right, Tom?
- Hell yeah.
Inside, pure mush, but outside, pure slab.
- This is Rick and Amanda Tucker,
they're private detectives.
- Very kind, Amanda, how are you?
- Hi, Tom.
- Jerry tells us that you
didn't see too much, huh?
- It was so dark and it all
happened so darned fast.
I parked my vehicle over there.
I got out to take a look-see and--
- This.
I see this.
- My wife gets intuitions,
hunches, you know?
- I see a triangle.
- She sees a triangle.
- She a gypsy or something?
- Oh no no no, she's a regular person.
Is there anything else?
- No.
- That's it, a triangle.
- Yeah.
A triangle.
Just before I got hit.
My flashlight lit on a triangle.
- Where, on what?
- On a truck.
- Hey, so where's the van?
- I don't know.
- Ah man.
Okay.
Maybe they're holding the body for ransom
like they did with Charlie Chaplin.
What do you think?
You listening?
- I heard you.
Oh, I am so exhausted.
- Here.
- Oh, Rick, what is that?
- Milk, papaya, brewer's
yeast, yogurt, and eggs.
It'll give you energy.
- I hate energy.
- Come on, we gotta stay tough.
We got little more than one
day to get Bellagio back.
- Charlie Chaplin.
Ransom.
I don't think so.
- Why?
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, what are you doing, Mom?
- Oh, I'm going to fix this door.
You see, because it's
smacking up against the frame.
That's because the wood is all warped.
So, what I'm going to
do is I'm going to plane
across the top of the window
and then I'm gonna plane it
down here and then I'm gonna
put in a whole new jam.
- You know how to do that?
- Oh sure, oh sure.
You know, I took that carpentry course.
- I don't want to think about this now.
Why?
- Why what?
- Why no ransom?
- Anton Bellagio was
not a Leonard Bernstein
or a Zubin Mehta.
He did not command that kind of money.
Also, he was married five times.
- So what?
- So, he was paying
alimony to the whole world.
You remember those court scandals.
- What scandals?
- See what happens when you
don't read trashy magazines?
Ignorance.
Anton Bellagio gave cheating
a whole new dimension.
He would cheat on the
woman he was cheating
on his wife with.
- What a guy.
- That's it.
One of his ex-wives stole his body,
trying to get back at
him, even in the end.
That was real dumb.
Yeah, I don't deserve to live.
I'll drink some of this poison here.
Great stuff, I can't
wait to get back in here.
Mm.
- Tri-State Trucking in Sherman Oaks
has three interconnecting triangles.
- What kind of trucks?
- Semis.
- Nah, that's too big, next.
- Triangle Movers.
- Moving vans?
- That's right.
- No no, that's too big, next.
- Delta Truck Rentals on Melrose.
They have a triangle emblem on the side.
- And?
- Well, patience.
They rent everything.
Semis, half-tons, dump trucks,
also small closed pick-ups.
- Oh, that sounds good.
- Yeah.
- You say it's on Melrose?
- Yes.
- Tucker and Tucker, good morning.
Jerry.
Okay.
Yeah, we'll be right over.
Somebody else just
discovered the body is gone.
- I arrive this morning from
Amsterdam, and what do I find?
This is an outrage.
- Mademoiselle Chaumier, what exactly
was your relationship with Mr. Bellagio?
- His executive secretary.
And close, personal friend.
- Mademoiselle Chaumier
also selected the casket.
- Obviously, this is not the one.
Mine was old with a brass ornament.
How do you call it?
- The escutcheon.
- Right, the escutcheon.
Appropriately in the shape
of music, the treble clef.
- That's the one, all right.
- Now tell me, what happens
tomorrow when everybody's here
and you open the coffin,
what will you say?
Sorry, he's not here, everybody go home?
- Well, we hope Mister and Mrs. Tucker--
- Them?
Private detectives?
Don't be ridiculous, I'm afraid.
What can they do?
We need the police.
- Mademoiselle Chaumier,
you can go to the police,
but I assure you the recovery
of Mr. Bellagio's body,
in a city where a major crime
occurs once every four minutes,
will not be one of their main priorities.
Or--
- Are you telling me--
- Or you can leave this to us.
In which case, we will conduct a speedy,
systematic, and thorough investigation,
which produces positive
results in 94% of our cases,
and has earned Tucker and
Tucker a triple-A rating
from the Association of
Private Investigators.
The choice is yours.
- Very well, Mr. Tucker,
I will leave it with you for the moment.
Don't you find this world very difficult
for a woman, I mean physically?
- I pump iron.
- Oh, not very feminine.
All right, I will be at my
hotel in case you need me.
- I set this thing up and now
you tell me you can't deliver?
You know what that does to my reputation?
- A problem has developed.
I need some time.
- I'll see what I can do,
but my buyers are legit.
They don't like to take risks.
- For $2 million worth
of untraceable diamonds
we can take a few risks.
- You know, you're putting me
in a very difficult position.
- You have my sympathy.
- You think she's onto us?
- No.
She has no reason to suspect us.
She thinks we don't know
how the diamonds came in.
Bring 'em in.
- Get in here.
- Where's the truck?
- Look, Gurell, I don't know.
It was gone when I came--
- Don't lie to me.
The keys were found on you.
Schultz, where's the truck?
- I don't know.
- Help 'em to remember.
- Let's go.
- I don't know if I can do this.
- Honey, can I tell her?
- Tell her?
- You know.
- Oh yeah, go ahead.
- Well, they're married 16 years.
Three beautiful kids.
And the rat runs off
with a 20 year old Kimmy,
you know what I mean?
Okay, last night, she and the
kids were at her mother's,
absolutely devastated.
He comes back, gets into the
house, gloms all the furniture,
and hauls it off in one of your trucks.
- We gotta track him down, Doris.
Our client's sleeping on the floor.
- With her kids.
- Creep sounds like my ex.
What do you need?
- Anyone return a truck
after 1:00 a.m. this morning?
- All our trucks were returned
before midnight except these two.
They're still out.
What was the name of that creep?
- Let me see if he used his real name.
Aliases.
Better get 'em both.
Doris, you've done us a great favor.
- Doris, thank you.
Very, very much.
- Good luck.
- Let's split 'em up to save time.
- Okay, let's go get my car.
- Oh my goodness.
Excuse me.
- Can I help you?
- Yes.
I work for the people that were just here.
The Tuckers.
Oh, so many cares, they had to rush off
and they told me to check out the names,
but I'm sorry, I don't
know how to say this,
but I cannot read their handwriting.
Could I have a copy of
the information, please?
Oh, thank you, thank you so much.
God, this is so embarrassing, really.
- He left town this morning.
- Oh.
- You one of his women?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm one of his girls.
- Well, I'm the landlady here,
see, and I told him I
don't go for this stuff.
So, I'd like you to just clear out, okay?
- Can I just get my plants?
- Your plants?
Nah, I don't think so.
I think you better clear out now.
Okay.
- Okay.
- My pearls.
- They're rolling under the door.
Oh dear.
- How did this happen?
I've had these pearls for years.
Don't step on 'em, honey.
- Oh right, yeah.
I think some rolled in here.
- Uh-huh.
Oh no.
- Hi, lieutenant.
- Hello, Rick.
Amanda, Rick is here.
In a minute, we'll have to talk.
- Marcia told me about
it on the car phone.
Who are these guys?
- Couple of small-time hoods.
Jimmy Schultz, Johann DeGrute, Dutch.
Consensus is they were
killed somewhere else
and brought here.
- Say, could either of you
tell me something I don't know?
- Well, like what, lieutenant?
- Like what both of you are doing here.
I don't mean to pry, of course, but--
- Well actually, we have reason to believe
that these guys stole
an item from our client.
- What item?
- Just a thing.
- What thing?
- Come on, Fisk, that's
privileged information.
You understand, we can't violate
the confidence of our client.
The sanctity of his trust.
- Rick.
- It's a coffin.
- They stole a coffin?
- We swear it's the truth.
- We won't tell you our client's name.
- We'll go to the wall on that.
- Come on, Fisk, just give us a day.
- Goodbye, you're giving me a headache.
- Go to the wall?
I like it.
Hiya, Freddy.
- Hey, Ricky.
How you doing?
- Good.
You can sit down.
How much you need?
- Can you let me have a hundred?
I had to take a lot of cabs to get here.
- You got it.
- Thanks, man.
Okay, DeGrute, the guy that's Dutch?
He's in everything, hijacking, gambling,
anything he can get his hands onto.
- Bad guy, huh?
- Yeah.
But Schultz, he's strictly small-time.
He knew a lot about
safes and about alarms.
That was it.
- Huh.
Were they in business for themselves?
- Nope.
The word is, and this is the word,
they're doing a job for Frank Gurell.
- Frank Gurell.
Gurell was in the joint
for murder, wasn't he?
- That's right, manslaughter,
but that was a long time ago.
Since then, he's moved up.
Now, he's a major fence in the city.
- What's his cover?
- Storage.
He's got a place over on
Melrose called the Sun-Fair.
- Uh-huh.
What does he fence, everything?
- Yeah.
Except lately, you know,
he's, you know the old song?
Diamonds are a Gurell's best friend.
- That's great, man.
Yes, thanks for coming by.
- Oh, well you got it, man.
- Watch your back.
- Yeah, you too, he's dangerous.
Later.
- Oh, there were some
wires around this window.
I didn't see them.
Kind of blew the lights.
- Oh well, that's okay.
What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing.
Oh really, really.
Oh, it was the music.
Kind of reminded me of a
summer night a long time ago.
We went to hear Bellagio
conduct a concert at Tanglewood.
It was all Mozart and Beethoven.
It was just beautiful.
And we sat on a blanket and
Amanda and her father, me.
Oh, it was wonderful.
Well, I mean I know that he
had a very roguish reputation.
All those wives.
But he gave me a lot of happiness.
Amanda was a baby, she
wouldn't even remember.
- Little baby witch?
Yeah.
- When did she actually start?
- Witching?
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, right away, right away.
She witched her cream
broccoli right off the plate.
Hello.
Yes, yes, I'm still here.
- She's on the phone to Amsterdam.
- Yes, yeah, I see.
You manufacture what?
Doodkists?
Excuse me, but what are doodkists?
Please, yeah, in English.
They're looking it up.
Hi.
Yeah.
Oh thank you very much.
Yes.
Doodkists is Dutch for coffin.
- You want to bet the coffin
turns up at Gurell's warehouse?
- Five bucks.
- Yeah.
- Rick, a casket's not
subject to customs search.
- All right, Marcia.
Call a guy named Russo at Interpol
and ask him if there have
been any major diamond heists
near Amsterdam the last couple of weeks.
Great, bye.
Gurell is fencing diamonds
smuggled into this country
in Anton Bellagio's casket, I know it.
- You don't know it, you have a hunch.
- Okay, it's a hunch.
- You also don't know that
Gurell hired DeGrute and Schultz
to steal the coffin or that they tried
to double-cross Gurell and he killed them.
- No, but that's my feeling.
- You don't even know if
Andre Bellagio's coffin
is in that warehouse.
- Okay, I mean, I don't know that.
- You just have an intuition, you know?
- Hey, sugar--
- You're kind of going on an intuition,
a hunch, a feeling,
and that's what I go on
and I guess I just kind of wish
you wouldn't copy me, that's all.
- Sugar.
- Yeah?
- I'll be careful.
All right.
Now, first I go through
here, then to here.
And wait two minutes, and then you call.
- Right.
- Just a quick look, then I'm out.
- Sure.
- Hey, let's have Chinese food tonight.
- Lots of it.
- Hey.
Telephone company, gotta clear a line.
- In there.
- Hello.
- Hello, hello?
This is Mrs. Henderson.
Yeah, I work catty-corner from you people
and I can see a bunch of
kids spraying graffiti
all over the side of your building.
- Okay, I'll take care of it.
Thanks for calling.
- Well, don't mention it, my pleasure.
You'd do the same for me.
Right, bye-bye now.
- Some lady called.
Said a kid was spray
painting the building.
- So who's minding the store?
- The store's okay.
Nobody's up there except
for the telephone repairman.
- Telephone repairman?
- Said he had to clear a line.
- He take a cab?
- Huh?
- Where's the telephone company truck?
He's a phony.
All right, take her in.
Telephone repairman, huh?
Come on.
- What the hell's be...
What's behind there?
Hey, get that out of there.
You check out that Delta truck?
- Yeah, I
called the rental place.
It's still missing.
That lying DeGrute.
- I don't
think DeGrute was lying.
- So why did we--
- He blew it.
If he didn't know where the thing was,
who needed him anyway?
- Oh, hi there.
- What are you doing here, are you nuts?
- They know you're in here.
- I know they know I'm in here.
Come on, let's go.
- What about the truck?
- It's not here.
They'll see us.
- Hey, easy.
- Hey, what's going on, hey.
Hey, stop.
- Look, it's trying to kill us.
- Will you stop that thing?
- Get out of it, let's...
- You are dynamite today.
- A week ago, Von Leer Diamond Exchange.
That's the Tiffany's of
Amsterdam, $2 million worth.
- We need all new panes?
- Interpol have any
idea who the thief was?
- Ever hear of L'Acrobat?
- The Acrobat?
The European jewel thief.
Amanda, you've heard of him.
- No, I haven't.
- Oh, this is great, Marcia.
We are dealing with an
international jewel thief.
L'Acrobat.
What a case.
- Yeah, yeah it is, but we're also dealing
with smuggling, a jewel theft, and murder.
That's a lot of stuff.
- Too much?
You want to give it to Fisk?
- I think it would be
irresponsible if we didn't.
- Amanda thinks we're
getting in over our heads.
- Oh, tell me about it.
- Oh, they added wrong.
- They did?
- Well, they must have.
- You understand why we have
to go to the police don't you, Jerry?
- Yes.
What a shame.
I personally arranged everything.
I picked the flowers.
The maestro loved irises.
Also, this is my own innovation,
post-eulogy champagne.
- It's beautiful, Jerry.
I mean really, you did a super, super job.
You run a real tight mortuary.
- Thanks, Amanda.
- Do we have any results?
Ah, I see we do not.
In four hours, we have a funeral,
and our private eyes have seen nothing.
Where is your husband?
- Parking the car.
As a matter of fact, I wonder
what's taking him so long.
Rick, what are you doing?
- Tom said he parked his
security car over there, right?
- Yeah, so?
- So he blocked their exit.
How did DeGrute and Schultz get out?
- You clever boy.
- They couldn't have gotten
more than a couple of blocks.
Where's the nearest all-night gas station?
- Seagull's, Third and LaBraff.
- Great, let's go.
- I'm coming with you.
- Oh no you're not.
- I'm responsible.
And I've had enough screwing up.
- Forget it.
- All right then, I'm going
straight to the police.
- Please, as long as we have a chance--
- Rick, let her come.
I have a real feeling about her.
- Yeah, I got a real
feeling about her too,
it's called a pain in the--
- But this one's coming in real strong.
I think she'll help us.
- She'll--
- Help us.
- Fine.
Hop in.
You want to come too?
- No.
- Hello, my name is DeGrute.
I called before.
I leased a van from you people.
Oh, you found out.
No, wait a minute, take
it easy, don't get angry.
It's where?
- This is it.
When he saw it wasn't
here, he got pretty scared.
- Huh.
Well, thanks.
- Hey, sure.
- Getting anything?
- Uh-uh.
- Well, it couldn't have just disappeared.
Getting anything now?
- Honey, I'm a witch, I'm not a hound dog.
- I got something.
Bingo.
The leasing company picked it up already.
- Move.
- Imagine that crud.
First, he steals his
poor wife's furniture,
and then he wrecks our truck.
No, I don't know where
it's being repaired.
- Doris, since it was the
tires that were blown,
where does Delta usually get their tires?
- Tires.
That'd be Kasajian's.
Vista and Fourth.
Try to keep it legible.
- Excuse me?
- So you don't have to send
your assistant back in.
- Assistant?
- Yeah.
Her.
- I keep getting these feelings about her.
- Look, forget about her, we gotta move.
I'll drive.
- Bellagio's real assistant
showed up 10 minutes ago.
Chaumier's a fraud.
- Yeah, we know.
Listen, Jerry, send a hearse
to Kasajian's Garage, Fifth and Vista.
- You found it.
- Well, maybe.
Also, call Lieutenant Fisk for an escort.
- Oh, I'm praying.
The place is packed.
Four of his five wives are here.
They're remarkably friendly.
- Well, Jerry, it's a time to forgive.
Bye.
- Wanna know what I think?
- What?
- L'Acrobat hid the diamonds in the coffin
but didn't tell Gurell
that's where they were.
That's why DeGrute had to
call his contact in Amsterdam.
- You mean that Gurell was trying
to double-cross the Acrobat?
- That's right.
Now, the only question for me is who
in the devil is Mademoiselle Chaumier?
- Want to know what I think?
- Shoot.
- Remember my feelings at
DeGrute's place, the open window?
- That someone was there.
- Then again at
Delta Rentals, open window.
- What are you saying?
- I am saying that Mademoiselle
Chaumier is the Acrobat.
- Her?
That delicate little thing, her?
Climbing up buildings.
- You wanna bet?
- Everything in my wallet.
- Ah.
- Hey.
Mr. Kasajian wants to
see you in the office.
- Hi.
- You're gonna need this.
- It's still here.
- Get in.
- Honey, do you believe in spirits?
- Yeah, yeah, I definitely
believe in spirits.
- You know, scientists at UCLA have made
incredible discoveries about
the spirits of the departed.
- Oh yeah, you're talking
about that Manheimer
poltergeist study, huh?
- Precisely.
They have proven conclusively
that a spirit put
in a negative situation will
send out certain messages.
- That thing is not supposed to move.
- However, it did.
- Oh my god.
Rick, look.
- Okay look, when we stop, we jump out,
I'll run around and get
a drop on the driver.
All right?
- You got it, you got it.
- We'll be starting soon, Mr. Bernstein.
- You idiot.
Move.
- Let's get out of here.
- They're mad, huh?
- I told you she'd help us.
- Boy, you are good.
You really are good.
- The diamonds, please.
- Peace, peace.
Pull over.
Well, I must go.
- Don't forget to write.
- Hey, we owe you.
- Mm.
- Name one of your children after me.
- What is your name?
- Make one up.
Au revoir, Rick, Amanda.
- Au revoir, L'Acrobat.
- Get going, please.
- It's too bad we couldn't
have held onto those diamonds.
Oh, you witch.
- We will now view the deceased.
- I can't believe that
delicate woman was the Acrobat.
- I told you so.
- I know.
Oh, I lost that bet.
- It's okay.
You can pay me later.
Five wives, boy, I bet
Anton Bellagio had a lot
of tense moments, especially
in the old sackaroonie.
I mean, there he is with Gloria,
and all of a sudden he called
out accidentally, Ellen.
That kind of stuff, huh?
- Honey.
- Yeah?
- Could you get the bathroom light.
- Oh, sure.
But then again, maybe
it didn't bother him.
I mean, maybe he could
keep it all straight
in his little creative head.
But I tell you, speaking
as a woman, there is no way
I can imagine ever being
married to a man like that.
- Honey.
- Yeah?
- Could you get the fireplace?
- Sure.
I mean, it's like being a
flower following the progress
of a bee flitting around,
never knowing which flower
he's gonna land on next.
Talk about insecurity.
- Honey.
- Yeah?
- Could you get the lamps?
- Sure.
Rick.
- Mm?
- Would you ever want five wives?
- Honey, you're about
as much as I can handle.
Or would ever want to.
Now come here.
- Don't answer it.
- Maybe it's important.
- Maybe it's not important.
Hey, see, even Dickens
doesn't want you to answer it.
- Go on now, beat it, you Peeping Tomcat.
Yeah, this better be important, pal.
Yeah.
Well, we do have office
hours, Mr. Clayborne.
Yeah, Anton Bellagio.
Well, when did this happen?
A half hour ago?
It's five o'clock in the morning.
Okay, okay, look, calm down, calm down.
All right.
All right, we'll be over
there within an hour.
Yeah.
Bye.
That was the Clayborne Funeral Home.
- Yeah?
- You know Anton Bellagio?
- Yeah, he's a conductor, he
died a couple of days ago.
- Yeah, well somebody
just swiped his body.
- You idiot.
Couldn't you wait until I moved his car?
- Look, DeGrute, I did not remember
going over those things coming in.
- Now I have to find an
all-night gas station.
You stay here.
- Forget it.
What if a cop car comes?
You don't think they're gonna check me out
with four flat tires?
- All right.
You go, I stay.
- No.
I want to take the stiff
somewhere and I want to dump him.
I want out.
- Are you crazy?
We made a deal with Gurell.
- What if you wasted that guy back there?
That makes me an accomplice.
- Oh boy, you can't cross Gurell.
- I am not going back to the joint.
I'm getting out.
- I can't call the police,
Anton Bellagio was a celebrity.
The newspapers would have it in a minute
and my father would have a heart attack.
- Okay, okay, Mr. Clayborne,
we'll take your case.
- Thank you.
- Mr. Clayborne, could you
show us where the body was
when it was stolen?
- Certainly.
He died in Amsterdam, you know?
- I know, he was the guest
conductor at the concerto ball.
- Of course he was.
- We picked him up straight from customs.
He arrived here at 3:00 a.m.
By five in the morning, he was gone.
This is our main chapel.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
- Oh, it's lovely, lovely.
When is this funeral?
- Tomorrow at noon.
- Tomorrow?
- I know, and that's when the coffin
will be opened for viewing.
It'll be packed with celebrities.
Leonard Bernstein will be here.
Zubin Mehta will be here.
The only one who won't be
here is Anton Bellagio.
Oh god.
- He's late for his own funeral.
Sorry, it's a joke.
- The first time my
father puts me in charge
and this has to happen.
- Hey, it's not your fault.
- He's never had confidence in me.
Did you notice the sign outside?
It says Willard Clayborne Funeral Home.
He won't even change it to
Willard Clayborne and Son.
Now he probably never will.
- Who is this?
- Bet it's empty, huh?
- Well, people will be coming
in to pay their last respects.
I have to show them something.
- Yeah, so the coffin was
carried from here to where?
- The loading dock.
Follow me.
- And wasn't anyone on duty?
- No, except for the neighborhood patrol.
We also have an alarm system.
- They got by that?
- Right, it's an old Sterling.
I checked it coming in.
It's a piece of cake for a pro.
- Oh boy.
- You all right, Tom?
- Hell yeah.
Inside, pure mush, but outside, pure slab.
- This is Rick and Amanda Tucker,
they're private detectives.
- Very kind, Amanda, how are you?
- Hi, Tom.
- Jerry tells us that you
didn't see too much, huh?
- It was so dark and it all
happened so darned fast.
I parked my vehicle over there.
I got out to take a look-see and--
- This.
I see this.
- My wife gets intuitions,
hunches, you know?
- I see a triangle.
- She sees a triangle.
- She a gypsy or something?
- Oh no no no, she's a regular person.
Is there anything else?
- No.
- That's it, a triangle.
- Yeah.
A triangle.
Just before I got hit.
My flashlight lit on a triangle.
- Where, on what?
- On a truck.
- Hey, so where's the van?
- I don't know.
- Ah man.
Okay.
Maybe they're holding the body for ransom
like they did with Charlie Chaplin.
What do you think?
You listening?
- I heard you.
Oh, I am so exhausted.
- Here.
- Oh, Rick, what is that?
- Milk, papaya, brewer's
yeast, yogurt, and eggs.
It'll give you energy.
- I hate energy.
- Come on, we gotta stay tough.
We got little more than one
day to get Bellagio back.
- Charlie Chaplin.
Ransom.
I don't think so.
- Why?
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey, what are you doing, Mom?
- Oh, I'm going to fix this door.
You see, because it's
smacking up against the frame.
That's because the wood is all warped.
So, what I'm going to
do is I'm going to plane
across the top of the window
and then I'm gonna plane it
down here and then I'm gonna
put in a whole new jam.
- You know how to do that?
- Oh sure, oh sure.
You know, I took that carpentry course.
- I don't want to think about this now.
Why?
- Why what?
- Why no ransom?
- Anton Bellagio was
not a Leonard Bernstein
or a Zubin Mehta.
He did not command that kind of money.
Also, he was married five times.
- So what?
- So, he was paying
alimony to the whole world.
You remember those court scandals.
- What scandals?
- See what happens when you
don't read trashy magazines?
Ignorance.
Anton Bellagio gave cheating
a whole new dimension.
He would cheat on the
woman he was cheating
on his wife with.
- What a guy.
- That's it.
One of his ex-wives stole his body,
trying to get back at
him, even in the end.
That was real dumb.
Yeah, I don't deserve to live.
I'll drink some of this poison here.
Great stuff, I can't
wait to get back in here.
Mm.
- Tri-State Trucking in Sherman Oaks
has three interconnecting triangles.
- What kind of trucks?
- Semis.
- Nah, that's too big, next.
- Triangle Movers.
- Moving vans?
- That's right.
- No no, that's too big, next.
- Delta Truck Rentals on Melrose.
They have a triangle emblem on the side.
- And?
- Well, patience.
They rent everything.
Semis, half-tons, dump trucks,
also small closed pick-ups.
- Oh, that sounds good.
- Yeah.
- You say it's on Melrose?
- Yes.
- Tucker and Tucker, good morning.
Jerry.
Okay.
Yeah, we'll be right over.
Somebody else just
discovered the body is gone.
- I arrive this morning from
Amsterdam, and what do I find?
This is an outrage.
- Mademoiselle Chaumier, what exactly
was your relationship with Mr. Bellagio?
- His executive secretary.
And close, personal friend.
- Mademoiselle Chaumier
also selected the casket.
- Obviously, this is not the one.
Mine was old with a brass ornament.
How do you call it?
- The escutcheon.
- Right, the escutcheon.
Appropriately in the shape
of music, the treble clef.
- That's the one, all right.
- Now tell me, what happens
tomorrow when everybody's here
and you open the coffin,
what will you say?
Sorry, he's not here, everybody go home?
- Well, we hope Mister and Mrs. Tucker--
- Them?
Private detectives?
Don't be ridiculous, I'm afraid.
What can they do?
We need the police.
- Mademoiselle Chaumier,
you can go to the police,
but I assure you the recovery
of Mr. Bellagio's body,
in a city where a major crime
occurs once every four minutes,
will not be one of their main priorities.
Or--
- Are you telling me--
- Or you can leave this to us.
In which case, we will conduct a speedy,
systematic, and thorough investigation,
which produces positive
results in 94% of our cases,
and has earned Tucker and
Tucker a triple-A rating
from the Association of
Private Investigators.
The choice is yours.
- Very well, Mr. Tucker,
I will leave it with you for the moment.
Don't you find this world very difficult
for a woman, I mean physically?
- I pump iron.
- Oh, not very feminine.
All right, I will be at my
hotel in case you need me.
- I set this thing up and now
you tell me you can't deliver?
You know what that does to my reputation?
- A problem has developed.
I need some time.
- I'll see what I can do,
but my buyers are legit.
They don't like to take risks.
- For $2 million worth
of untraceable diamonds
we can take a few risks.
- You know, you're putting me
in a very difficult position.
- You have my sympathy.
- You think she's onto us?
- No.
She has no reason to suspect us.
She thinks we don't know
how the diamonds came in.
Bring 'em in.
- Get in here.
- Where's the truck?
- Look, Gurell, I don't know.
It was gone when I came--
- Don't lie to me.
The keys were found on you.
Schultz, where's the truck?
- I don't know.
- Help 'em to remember.
- Let's go.
- I don't know if I can do this.
- Honey, can I tell her?
- Tell her?
- You know.
- Oh yeah, go ahead.
- Well, they're married 16 years.
Three beautiful kids.
And the rat runs off
with a 20 year old Kimmy,
you know what I mean?
Okay, last night, she and the
kids were at her mother's,
absolutely devastated.
He comes back, gets into the
house, gloms all the furniture,
and hauls it off in one of your trucks.
- We gotta track him down, Doris.
Our client's sleeping on the floor.
- With her kids.
- Creep sounds like my ex.
What do you need?
- Anyone return a truck
after 1:00 a.m. this morning?
- All our trucks were returned
before midnight except these two.
They're still out.
What was the name of that creep?
- Let me see if he used his real name.
Aliases.
Better get 'em both.
Doris, you've done us a great favor.
- Doris, thank you.
Very, very much.
- Good luck.
- Let's split 'em up to save time.
- Okay, let's go get my car.
- Oh my goodness.
Excuse me.
- Can I help you?
- Yes.
I work for the people that were just here.
The Tuckers.
Oh, so many cares, they had to rush off
and they told me to check out the names,
but I'm sorry, I don't
know how to say this,
but I cannot read their handwriting.
Could I have a copy of
the information, please?
Oh, thank you, thank you so much.
God, this is so embarrassing, really.
- He left town this morning.
- Oh.
- You one of his women?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm one of his girls.
- Well, I'm the landlady here,
see, and I told him I
don't go for this stuff.
So, I'd like you to just clear out, okay?
- Can I just get my plants?
- Your plants?
Nah, I don't think so.
I think you better clear out now.
Okay.
- Okay.
- My pearls.
- They're rolling under the door.
Oh dear.
- How did this happen?
I've had these pearls for years.
Don't step on 'em, honey.
- Oh right, yeah.
I think some rolled in here.
- Uh-huh.
Oh no.
- Hi, lieutenant.
- Hello, Rick.
Amanda, Rick is here.
In a minute, we'll have to talk.
- Marcia told me about
it on the car phone.
Who are these guys?
- Couple of small-time hoods.
Jimmy Schultz, Johann DeGrute, Dutch.
Consensus is they were
killed somewhere else
and brought here.
- Say, could either of you
tell me something I don't know?
- Well, like what, lieutenant?
- Like what both of you are doing here.
I don't mean to pry, of course, but--
- Well actually, we have reason to believe
that these guys stole
an item from our client.
- What item?
- Just a thing.
- What thing?
- Come on, Fisk, that's
privileged information.
You understand, we can't violate
the confidence of our client.
The sanctity of his trust.
- Rick.
- It's a coffin.
- They stole a coffin?
- We swear it's the truth.
- We won't tell you our client's name.
- We'll go to the wall on that.
- Come on, Fisk, just give us a day.
- Goodbye, you're giving me a headache.
- Go to the wall?
I like it.
Hiya, Freddy.
- Hey, Ricky.
How you doing?
- Good.
You can sit down.
How much you need?
- Can you let me have a hundred?
I had to take a lot of cabs to get here.
- You got it.
- Thanks, man.
Okay, DeGrute, the guy that's Dutch?
He's in everything, hijacking, gambling,
anything he can get his hands onto.
- Bad guy, huh?
- Yeah.
But Schultz, he's strictly small-time.
He knew a lot about
safes and about alarms.
That was it.
- Huh.
Were they in business for themselves?
- Nope.
The word is, and this is the word,
they're doing a job for Frank Gurell.
- Frank Gurell.
Gurell was in the joint
for murder, wasn't he?
- That's right, manslaughter,
but that was a long time ago.
Since then, he's moved up.
Now, he's a major fence in the city.
- What's his cover?
- Storage.
He's got a place over on
Melrose called the Sun-Fair.
- Uh-huh.
What does he fence, everything?
- Yeah.
Except lately, you know,
he's, you know the old song?
Diamonds are a Gurell's best friend.
- That's great, man.
Yes, thanks for coming by.
- Oh, well you got it, man.
- Watch your back.
- Yeah, you too, he's dangerous.
Later.
- Oh, there were some
wires around this window.
I didn't see them.
Kind of blew the lights.
- Oh well, that's okay.
What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing.
Oh really, really.
Oh, it was the music.
Kind of reminded me of a
summer night a long time ago.
We went to hear Bellagio
conduct a concert at Tanglewood.
It was all Mozart and Beethoven.
It was just beautiful.
And we sat on a blanket and
Amanda and her father, me.
Oh, it was wonderful.
Well, I mean I know that he
had a very roguish reputation.
All those wives.
But he gave me a lot of happiness.
Amanda was a baby, she
wouldn't even remember.
- Little baby witch?
Yeah.
- When did she actually start?
- Witching?
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, right away, right away.
She witched her cream
broccoli right off the plate.
Hello.
Yes, yes, I'm still here.
- She's on the phone to Amsterdam.
- Yes, yeah, I see.
You manufacture what?
Doodkists?
Excuse me, but what are doodkists?
Please, yeah, in English.
They're looking it up.
Hi.
Yeah.
Oh thank you very much.
Yes.
Doodkists is Dutch for coffin.
- You want to bet the coffin
turns up at Gurell's warehouse?
- Five bucks.
- Yeah.
- Rick, a casket's not
subject to customs search.
- All right, Marcia.
Call a guy named Russo at Interpol
and ask him if there have
been any major diamond heists
near Amsterdam the last couple of weeks.
Great, bye.
Gurell is fencing diamonds
smuggled into this country
in Anton Bellagio's casket, I know it.
- You don't know it, you have a hunch.
- Okay, it's a hunch.
- You also don't know that
Gurell hired DeGrute and Schultz
to steal the coffin or that they tried
to double-cross Gurell and he killed them.
- No, but that's my feeling.
- You don't even know if
Andre Bellagio's coffin
is in that warehouse.
- Okay, I mean, I don't know that.
- You just have an intuition, you know?
- Hey, sugar--
- You're kind of going on an intuition,
a hunch, a feeling,
and that's what I go on
and I guess I just kind of wish
you wouldn't copy me, that's all.
- Sugar.
- Yeah?
- I'll be careful.
All right.
Now, first I go through
here, then to here.
And wait two minutes, and then you call.
- Right.
- Just a quick look, then I'm out.
- Sure.
- Hey, let's have Chinese food tonight.
- Lots of it.
- Hey.
Telephone company, gotta clear a line.
- In there.
- Hello.
- Hello, hello?
This is Mrs. Henderson.
Yeah, I work catty-corner from you people
and I can see a bunch of
kids spraying graffiti
all over the side of your building.
- Okay, I'll take care of it.
Thanks for calling.
- Well, don't mention it, my pleasure.
You'd do the same for me.
Right, bye-bye now.
- Some lady called.
Said a kid was spray
painting the building.
- So who's minding the store?
- The store's okay.
Nobody's up there except
for the telephone repairman.
- Telephone repairman?
- Said he had to clear a line.
- He take a cab?
- Huh?
- Where's the telephone company truck?
He's a phony.
All right, take her in.
Telephone repairman, huh?
Come on.
- What the hell's be...
What's behind there?
Hey, get that out of there.
You check out that Delta truck?
- Yeah, I
called the rental place.
It's still missing.
That lying DeGrute.
- I don't
think DeGrute was lying.
- So why did we--
- He blew it.
If he didn't know where the thing was,
who needed him anyway?
- Oh, hi there.
- What are you doing here, are you nuts?
- They know you're in here.
- I know they know I'm in here.
Come on, let's go.
- What about the truck?
- It's not here.
They'll see us.
- Hey, easy.
- Hey, what's going on, hey.
Hey, stop.
- Look, it's trying to kill us.
- Will you stop that thing?
- Get out of it, let's...
- You are dynamite today.
- A week ago, Von Leer Diamond Exchange.
That's the Tiffany's of
Amsterdam, $2 million worth.
- We need all new panes?
- Interpol have any
idea who the thief was?
- Ever hear of L'Acrobat?
- The Acrobat?
The European jewel thief.
Amanda, you've heard of him.
- No, I haven't.
- Oh, this is great, Marcia.
We are dealing with an
international jewel thief.
L'Acrobat.
What a case.
- Yeah, yeah it is, but we're also dealing
with smuggling, a jewel theft, and murder.
That's a lot of stuff.
- Too much?
You want to give it to Fisk?
- I think it would be
irresponsible if we didn't.
- Amanda thinks we're
getting in over our heads.
- Oh, tell me about it.
- Oh, they added wrong.
- They did?
- Well, they must have.
- You understand why we have
to go to the police don't you, Jerry?
- Yes.
What a shame.
I personally arranged everything.
I picked the flowers.
The maestro loved irises.
Also, this is my own innovation,
post-eulogy champagne.
- It's beautiful, Jerry.
I mean really, you did a super, super job.
You run a real tight mortuary.
- Thanks, Amanda.
- Do we have any results?
Ah, I see we do not.
In four hours, we have a funeral,
and our private eyes have seen nothing.
Where is your husband?
- Parking the car.
As a matter of fact, I wonder
what's taking him so long.
Rick, what are you doing?
- Tom said he parked his
security car over there, right?
- Yeah, so?
- So he blocked their exit.
How did DeGrute and Schultz get out?
- You clever boy.
- They couldn't have gotten
more than a couple of blocks.
Where's the nearest all-night gas station?
- Seagull's, Third and LaBraff.
- Great, let's go.
- I'm coming with you.
- Oh no you're not.
- I'm responsible.
And I've had enough screwing up.
- Forget it.
- All right then, I'm going
straight to the police.
- Please, as long as we have a chance--
- Rick, let her come.
I have a real feeling about her.
- Yeah, I got a real
feeling about her too,
it's called a pain in the--
- But this one's coming in real strong.
I think she'll help us.
- She'll--
- Help us.
- Fine.
Hop in.
You want to come too?
- No.
- Hello, my name is DeGrute.
I called before.
I leased a van from you people.
Oh, you found out.
No, wait a minute, take
it easy, don't get angry.
It's where?
- This is it.
When he saw it wasn't
here, he got pretty scared.
- Huh.
Well, thanks.
- Hey, sure.
- Getting anything?
- Uh-uh.
- Well, it couldn't have just disappeared.
Getting anything now?
- Honey, I'm a witch, I'm not a hound dog.
- I got something.
Bingo.
The leasing company picked it up already.
- Move.
- Imagine that crud.
First, he steals his
poor wife's furniture,
and then he wrecks our truck.
No, I don't know where
it's being repaired.
- Doris, since it was the
tires that were blown,
where does Delta usually get their tires?
- Tires.
That'd be Kasajian's.
Vista and Fourth.
Try to keep it legible.
- Excuse me?
- So you don't have to send
your assistant back in.
- Assistant?
- Yeah.
Her.
- I keep getting these feelings about her.
- Look, forget about her, we gotta move.
I'll drive.
- Bellagio's real assistant
showed up 10 minutes ago.
Chaumier's a fraud.
- Yeah, we know.
Listen, Jerry, send a hearse
to Kasajian's Garage, Fifth and Vista.
- You found it.
- Well, maybe.
Also, call Lieutenant Fisk for an escort.
- Oh, I'm praying.
The place is packed.
Four of his five wives are here.
They're remarkably friendly.
- Well, Jerry, it's a time to forgive.
Bye.
- Wanna know what I think?
- What?
- L'Acrobat hid the diamonds in the coffin
but didn't tell Gurell
that's where they were.
That's why DeGrute had to
call his contact in Amsterdam.
- You mean that Gurell was trying
to double-cross the Acrobat?
- That's right.
Now, the only question for me is who
in the devil is Mademoiselle Chaumier?
- Want to know what I think?
- Shoot.
- Remember my feelings at
DeGrute's place, the open window?
- That someone was there.
- Then again at
Delta Rentals, open window.
- What are you saying?
- I am saying that Mademoiselle
Chaumier is the Acrobat.
- Her?
That delicate little thing, her?
Climbing up buildings.
- You wanna bet?
- Everything in my wallet.
- Ah.
- Hey.
Mr. Kasajian wants to
see you in the office.
- Hi.
- You're gonna need this.
- It's still here.
- Get in.
- Honey, do you believe in spirits?
- Yeah, yeah, I definitely
believe in spirits.
- You know, scientists at UCLA have made
incredible discoveries about
the spirits of the departed.
- Oh yeah, you're talking
about that Manheimer
poltergeist study, huh?
- Precisely.
They have proven conclusively
that a spirit put
in a negative situation will
send out certain messages.
- That thing is not supposed to move.
- However, it did.
- Oh my god.
Rick, look.
- Okay look, when we stop, we jump out,
I'll run around and get
a drop on the driver.
All right?
- You got it, you got it.
- We'll be starting soon, Mr. Bernstein.
- You idiot.
Move.
- Let's get out of here.
- They're mad, huh?
- I told you she'd help us.
- Boy, you are good.
You really are good.
- The diamonds, please.
- Peace, peace.
Pull over.
Well, I must go.
- Don't forget to write.
- Hey, we owe you.
- Mm.
- Name one of your children after me.
- What is your name?
- Make one up.
Au revoir, Rick, Amanda.
- Au revoir, L'Acrobat.
- Get going, please.
- It's too bad we couldn't
have held onto those diamonds.
Oh, you witch.
- We will now view the deceased.
- I can't believe that
delicate woman was the Acrobat.
- I told you so.
- I know.
Oh, I lost that bet.
- It's okay.
You can pay me later.
Five wives, boy, I bet
Anton Bellagio had a lot
of tense moments, especially
in the old sackaroonie.
I mean, there he is with Gloria,
and all of a sudden he called
out accidentally, Ellen.
That kind of stuff, huh?
- Honey.
- Yeah?
- Could you get the bathroom light.
- Oh, sure.
But then again, maybe
it didn't bother him.
I mean, maybe he could
keep it all straight
in his little creative head.
But I tell you, speaking
as a woman, there is no way
I can imagine ever being
married to a man like that.
- Honey.
- Yeah?
- Could you get the fireplace?
- Sure.
I mean, it's like being a
flower following the progress
of a bee flitting around,
never knowing which flower
he's gonna land on next.
Talk about insecurity.
- Honey.
- Yeah?
- Could you get the lamps?
- Sure.
Rick.
- Mm?
- Would you ever want five wives?
- Honey, you're about
as much as I can handle.
Or would ever want to.
Now come here.