Trophy Wife (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Social Network - full transcript

[ sighing ]
Ah. Hi.

- Hi.
- Oh. Where's your necktie?

- It's Saturday.
- Morning, Dad.

- Hey, bud.
- But I love it when you wear neckties.

I only wear a necktie
Monday through Friday.

I know. I love it.

None of the guys I dated
ever had necktie jobs.

A lot of them didn't
even have a shirt job.

Well, good morning, everyone.

Who are you, and what have
you done to my daughter?

- What do you mean, Daddy?
- You're in a really good mood.



- So am I.
- Yeah, but that's not news.

I'm just happy.
Happy, happy, happy.

Shalom, everyone!

- Shalom. Hello.
- Shalom.

- What do we have to nosh on?
- To nosh upo...

Hillary, where are
the rest of your pants?

Dad, they're just shorts!

Kate, is this normal attire
for the youth of today?

Um...

- I think she looks bangin'.
- "Bangin'"?

- Who says "bang" anymore?
- Nice try, beloved wife.

Oh, thank you, but, um,
I'm actually your ex-wife.

Also, what are you guys talking about?

- Well, uh...
- Also, good morning!



- Warren: Good morning, Jackie.
- Jackie, how did you get in here?

- Through the doggy door.
- Oh, of course.

I can collapse my collarbone.
We have to go.

We have our playdate today with Sawyer!

Sawyer, aw, man!
He's such a pain in the tuchus.

I don't know who's been
teaching Bert all this Yiddish,

but it really needs to continue.

- Okay. Bye, guys.
- Have fun, little man.

Bye. [ telephone rings ]
Oh. This house.

Look, baby, it's your other ex-wife.

- Hmm. Right.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hey.
- Do you know where our daughter

- was last weekend?
- Yeah, she was at... a slumber party at Ali's.

Wrong. She snuck out to a party

and hooked up with
some boy on your watch.

What? She hook up?
Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure, Peter. I didn't beat

eight malpractice
suits by not being sure.

- You're fine.
- Hang on.

Hillary hooked up with some
boy at a party this weekend.

- Oh. - What does that... mean?
What does it mean?

- Maybe they just kissed.
- Or?

- [ sighs ] Don't make me say it.
- Sex!

[ title music ]

1x03 - The Social Network

- Who is the boy?
- All I know is his name is Ace McBrady.

Oh, no. He sounds cool.

And since the "vodka in
the water bottle" incident,

well, that's why I'm concerned.

So when she's gone,
look in her room for

- love notes, condoms, anything.
- [ sighing ] Oh.

If you find a diary, read it.

We need to know what else
she's been hiding from us.

She's only 14. You want
me to snoop in her bedroom?

Yes, I want you to snoop in her room.
You're her father, right?

This is what parents do.
Deal with this. [ beep ]

So many of our conversations
end with "deal with this."

You guys don't know the first thing
about dealing with a teenage girl.

- And you do?
- Well, it wasn't too long ago that I ...

Yeah, I know.
Don't say it. [ sighs ]

You cannot snoop in her room.
Huge invasion of privacy.

When I was Hillary's age,
my Mom snooped in my room

and found a joint,
and I was so mad at her.

I didn't talk to her for three weeks.

The point is you just need to talk
to her and treat her with respect.

You know, you'll find
out way more that way.

You're right.
I'll cross-examine her.

Jackie: Okay, so,
here's what I'm thinking.

Sawyer's mom, Kirsten, owns
this really hip boutique shop

that would be a great showcase
for my jewelry creations,

because ... I'm sorry ...
but being a full-time jewelry designer

has been kind of my dream for
I don't even know how long.

- Like, weeks.
- But what about your job?

Oh, you know, real estate's great

for those that are
business savvy, which I am,

but I've been asking myself lately,

"you know, Jackie, why
are you not fulfilled?"

- What's "fulfilled"?
- Like, happy.

So I think getting my jewelry
into Sawyer's mom's shop

is kind of exactly what I need.

Wait. Why am I on the freeway?!

[ door opens ]

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, tell me about this sleepover.
What exactly did you girls do?

Uh, Ali got a fancy new camera,
so we all took a bunch of goofy photos.

And then, after that, we
watched "the Hunger Games."

Anything else, anything you'd
like to tell your father?

No. No, that's all.
Gotta go.

One more question ...
how does "Hunger Games" end?

- She wins the Hunger Games.
- You can go.

What does happen at the
end of "the Hunger Games"?

- You need to chill.
- I can't believe this.

I gave her the chance to come clean,
and she lied to my face?

She never used to keep things from me.

We used to sit and talk about
everything going on in her life,

eating ice cream straight
out of the carton.

Uh, yeah, by the way, you guys
need to stop doing that, okay?

- It's gross.
- Now she's sneaking out,

hooking around with
Ace McBrady, and I'm ...

I'm about to
snoop through her bedroom.

Don't do this. I don't want
us to be that kind of family.

I want us to be one of
those fun families where

everyone's best friends and
we wear each other's clothes

and we're in a band together
and we share surfboards.

You're confusing family
with a gang of beach hobos.

Just don't snoop in her room.

- I'm gonna snoop.
- You'll regret it.

Call me Dr. Dre,
'cause I'm about to snoop, dawg.

You know that made no sense, right?

Come on. I need help
looking through this stuff.

No. I'm staying in the hallway.

- This is a breach of trust.
- Should I cut her mattress open?

No! She's a good kid, and
that's a good mattress.

I've seen enough local news to
know what teenagers do these days.

I saw this thing where these
girls have these parties

where they wear
different-colored turtlenecks

based on the kind of
sex they want to do.

Oh, yeah, it's the
rainbow-turtleneck sex parties.

Yeah, they interviewed this woman.

She said she found a turtleneck
in her daughter's car.

You got to be kidding me.

- Orange.
- Who wears turtlenecks anyway?

- [ sighs ] I got nothing.
- Okay, good, so let's go.

[ sighs ]

Pete?

Oh, my god.
Pete, what are you doing?

I am gonna do a search on
this Ace McBrady character.

Do you even know what you're doing?

What in the...

[ keyboard clacking ]

Come on. This stupid website
is not letting me search.

- What about...
- I am not watching this.

Step away from the computer
and close her laptop.

Oh.

I-I see what I've done.

[ gasps ]

- This is not ideal.
- Nice work, Snoop Dogg.

[ sighs ] [ door opens ]

Hillary: It's going to be awesome.

I hear Courtney Winters
is gonna be there.

[ chuckles ]

Yeah, hold on.
I'm logging on right now.

[ sighs ]
[ Hillary screams ]

Think she saw it?

Hey. She's mad at me.

Although, honestly, I
think she should be mad

at whatever web designer
put those boxes so close together.

She should be apologizing to us.

- It was her behavior that started this.
- Exactly.

Dad ruined my life.
Okay, let's go. Forever!

Oh, honey, I know. I know.

He crossed a line.
You poor thing.

- What?!
- You got caught.

Poor thing. Come on.
Let's go have a nice time.

You know, your mother...
your mother's right.

It was all my idea. Your mother
had no idea what was going on.

She was, uh, completely
in the dark ... not a clue.

- I was the mastermind.
- Oh, no, it was my idea!

- I was the master... mind.
- Fine, then. I hate you both!

You're grounded for lying
about the sleepover. [ screams ]

Have you even seen "the Hunger Games"?

Thanks a lot for
throwing me under the bus.

You couldn't mastermind a
single maneuver down to the ...

Uh, hi. Excuse me. Just
from parent to parents,

No more of this CIA parenting, okay?

No more interrogating.
No more snooping.

- I'll handle it.
- Oh, really? You're handling it?

Yes. I'm gonna go talk
to her as a friend.

Some of us don't want to live
in an "Orson Wellian" future.

[ chuckles ] Why do you think
that you have the answer?

Oh, god, that's right,

because you were a teenager
yourself two years ago.

Hey! [ clears throat ]
Among other reasons.

What the hell is an
"Orson Wellian" future?

Sawyer, do you want to play opera...

You're making a shadow on my phone!

- [ scoffing ] Oh!
- Kombucha is served.

[ beads rattling ]
Oh. Wow.

Look at that jewelry.

Oh! Oh! You mean, my...
my wearable art? Yes.

- Oh, do you make it yourself?
- Oh, I'm afraid I have to.

Nobody knows how to
work with pink turquoise.

Mm. It looks beautiful.

Thank you. [ chuckles ]

Yeah, you should see how
it makes your spleen feel.

- Kids love it, too!
- Oh, Bert, you're embarrassing me.

[ chuckles ]

Wearing my Mom's jewelry is fun,
and it keeps me out of trouble.

- Mm.
- You should sell it at your boutique.

Oh, uh, yeah.
I mean, well, sometimes

I'll try out a new line
and see how it does. [ gasps ]

Well, what a surprising
and unusual turn of events.

[ laughs ]

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Didn't see that coming, did you?

- No.
- Mnh-mnh.

[ up-tempo pop music plays ]
Hey.

- Mind if I come in and chill for a sec?
- Sure. Sounds groovy.

[ door closes ]

Yeah, an adult asking for
permission to come in ...

what a crazy idea, right?

[ chuckles ]

[ sighs ]

Listen, Hil, um, I love your
dad, but sometimes he just

reminds me of that song
"parents just don't understand."

[ chuckles ]

- Will Smith?
- Oh. Yeah.

Jaden Smith's dad.
[ chuckles ]

"Karate Kid"?
Willow's brother?

Yeah, exactly.
Um [clears throat] the point is

I just want you to think
of me as your friend.

You know, I totally understand
what you're going through.

I had my own Ace McBrady
when I was your age ...

Brandon King.
He rocked the white-guy dreadlocks

- before they even got all trendy.
- Gross. [ sighs ]

I just ... I just can't believe

my Dad would look through
my room and my computer.

I feel so violated!
And then to embarrass me like this?

I mean, it literally looks like I
wrote "Ace McBrady" like 50 times.

- I know how you feel, Hil.
- No, you don't.

Um...
the thing is, is that your parents ...

they just ... they're
trying their best, you know?

And they ... well,
"we" just want you to be happy.

There's a party tonight, and
I barely even got invited,

'cause I'm a social outcast now.

But do you think that I can maybe go?

[ gasping ]
Oh. [ chuckles ]

I mean, it sounds like
a fun-ass time, you know,

- but you're still grounded, so...
- I figured you'd say that.

Do you think that I can just go
see a movie with Bree at least?

I just really need to
see a friend right now.

Besides you, of course.
[ chuckles ]

[ chuckles ]

- Let me go see what I can do.
- Aww, you're awesome. [ chuckles ]

- Put it here, girlfriend.
- Oh, wow.

[ chuckles ]
Look at you, all hip and...

- [ laughs ] Wow.
- Yep.

[ door closes ]
[ dog barking in distance ]

So, just bring 50 pieces
by the boutique tomorrow.

Oh, that sounds great!
And, um, bye!

- Yes! We did it!
- We did it!

- 50 pieces!
- We nailed it!

Aah! 50 pieces, okay.
Only problem is I only have 30 pieces,

and each one takes me
a good 4 days to make.

Oy vey.
We have to get to work.

- 1, 2, 3...
- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

All right, so, I spoke to Hillary,

and I'd like to take her to
see a movie with her friends.

- No, she's grounded.
- I know she lied to you,

but, come on, you snooped in her room,
and you humiliated her online.

[ sighs ]
I say we call it even.

Let's start treating her like an adult.

You know, Kate,
I know, from time to time,

it seems like I don't appreciate
or respect your opinion

or your contribution or your...
wardrobe,

but I think this is a fair plan.

Well, thank you, Diane. [ chuckles ]
That means a lot, coming from you.

But I stand by my t-shirt.

I still think she should be grounded.
But, more importantly,

I'm glad to see you and
Kate agreeing on something.

Maybe this is the start
of a beautiful friendship.

Please, Peter. I don't care for
her opinions or her tattered tees.

- I just bought us some time to snoop.
- I already snooped.

- [ sighs ] Bye, guys.
- Bye. - Thank you.

[ door opens, closes ]
Well, amateur hour is over.

I didn't buy her all those journals
so she could express herself.

Polishing wax.

Buffing cloth.

Cashew cheese.

Mmm!
All right.

I think we made good progress.
I'm gonna quit for the night.

But we have to keep going.

Oh, but, Bertie, I need to
recharge my batteries. [ sighs ]

I don't want to make a single piece
that isn't just amazing, you know?

- I'll get back to it tomorrow.
- Okay.

But you, my little
helper, have been so good.

So, how may I thank you?

Would you like some ice cream or ...
Ooh! ... a cookie?

I don't want to get schmutz on my shirt.

Can Warren just come
over if he's not busy?

Of course your brother can come over.

I mean, come on.
That dude is not busy.

[ both laugh ]

[ indistinct conversations ]

- Okay, have fun.
- Hey, thank you for being so cool.

- Sure.
- You rock.

Oh, well, there's Bree.
I will see you guys later.

- Okay. Bye.
- Thank you.

- Can't believe she thinks you're cool.
- I am cool. [ chuckles ]

Oh, look, there's a
yogurt shop over there.

- Oh, can we stop at that ATM?
- [ sighs ] Man, I crushed it today.

[ ATM beeping ]
You know, Pete and Diane ...

they don't know teenagers like I do.

You just ... you got to
be friends with them first,

and then they'll always
be straight with you.

Totally.
There goes your friend.

Oh, my god, she lied to me!
I bet she's going to that party.

Some friend she is.
She didn't even invite you.

Is she wearing a turtleneck?

I'm gonna kill her.
Come on. Let's go!

[ music ]

This is the boringest car chase ever.

- Go faster.
- No, we're tailing them.

I swear, if Bree's sister makes
one violation, it's all over.

Well, I don't think that's gonna happen.

This is like following
someone to brunch after church.

[ music ]

[ grunts ]

[ cellphone chimes ]

Peter!

- Peter?
- Pete: Hmm?

- Hillary's going to a party.
- No, she ... she's at the movies.

No, she's going to a party
probably to see Ace McBrady.

Where are you getting all
this inside information?

- It doesn't matter.
- Yes, it does matter.

Fine. I set up a profile
for a fake girl named

Courtney Winters who
supposedly lives one town over.

And then I made sure
she got really popular,

and now I use her to
spy on our children.

I'm feeling literally every
emotion towards you right now ...

fear, disgust, pride.

Oh, relax.
It's just some light catfishing.

What?

I think she just made three rights
in order to avoid a left.

Meg: What's happening now?

- She's pulling over to text.
- Who does that?!

Bert: Here, use some blue.

Hey, Bertie.

Are you and Warren having a
good time playing together?

Warren: I might end up
doing jade for this one.

Hurry up, Warren! You've
only made one necklace!

I can do this fast, or I
can do it right. Pick one.

I pick both.

Bert, why are you forcing
Warren to make jewelry?

- I'm paying him.
- Okay, why?

Because Kirsten needs
50 pieces by tomorrow.

Oh, honey, no, no.

I shouldn't have stressed
you out with my issues.

Look at me. Hey.

Grownups have problems sometimes, okay?

But that's for us to
solve, not for you to solve.

- But how will you be happy?
- Oh, sweetie, listen.

Businesses, they come and go, right?

Like my real-estate
business, my pickle business.

But you know what makes me happy?

- My shayna punim?
- Oh! Exactly.

Exactly.
[ cellphone vibrates ]

Wow. [ chuckling ]
Yes, Dad.

[ chuckles ] Hey, Dad.
To what do I owe the pleasure?

Some kid at your school is
having a big party tonight.

- I need the address.
- Oh, well, I have no idea.

Well, ask your friends.

All right, but, hey, they're
not gonna know either.

- "Hey, slut."
- Just hang on.

"What's the address of the party?
I definitely want to swing by

after I proofread my Spanish homework."

M-wah. ... Courtney."

That's how it's done.
Alexa always has the deets.

Oh, hey, um, Dad, if you
figure out where the party is,

- can I come, too?
- [ cellphone chimes ] Oh! Bingo.

[ indistinct conversations ]

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

No more Mrs. Cool mom.

I hope these kids have booze.

- I wonder if Courtney Winters is coming.
- I hung out with her yesterday.

All: Ooh!

Boy: Yeah!

Party's over!

- [ gasps ] Kate?!
- Where's the booze?

I'm confiscating it. Any bourbon?
Any single-barrel bourbon?

You lied to me, and I trusted you.

This is the worst night of
the worst day of my life.

- Well...
- Pete: Hillary, are you down here?

- Here she is.
- Oh, my god!

Hillary Rodham Harrison,
I am beyond disappointed.

You lied to us again.
Do you even like movies?

Okay, so, it's not enough
to embarrass me online.

Now you have to do it in person, too?

Oh, you brought this on yourself.

- Absolutely.
- I thought we were friends.

Why do you want to be friends with me?

- Well ...
- Um, because it's awesome.

I was best friends with my Mom,
and she let us do whatever we wanted.

Okay, well, not whatever we wanted.

Yeah, pretty much whatever we wanted.

I mean, we drove her
car when we were like 13.

- Okay.
- That's crazy!

- That's not old enough to drive!
- Okay, enough of this

"being best friends with
your child" nonsense.

I think that we've all
learned a valuable lesson ...

- Never question Diane.
- No, of course. [ scoffs ]

No, that's not the lesson.
If anything, being so overprotective

is probably what drove her to this.

- Oh, absolutely not.
- Oh, yeah, sure. Blame the parents. [ chuckles ]

- Well, what ...
- Thank you for once for agreeing with me.

It's always the parents' fault.
It's never everyone else's.

- It's never the fault ...
- Excuse me!

Do you mind taking
this argument elsewhere?

- Some of us are trying to rage.
- Who the hell are you?

Hi.

- Ace McBrady.
- Ace McBrady.

- You're Ace McBrady?
- Well, my real name's Martin,

but they call me Ace
'cause I ace every test.

Meg: Where's the liquor, McBrady?

- I thought he'd be cooler.
- Yeah, me too.

Did you not hear?
I ace every test.

You know, I don't know why
you guys are so freaked out.

I mean, if this is the kind
of party she's going to,

you have nothing to be worried about.
This party sucks.

What? Are you serious?
This party's off the chain!

I mean, that girl is
sitting on a coffee table!

I'm eating pizza that's not on a plate.

I bet these kids don't even recycle.

- Girl: [ gasps ] Of course, we recycle!
- Pete: I think those kids are playing bridge.

Okay, maybe we overreacted.

This is exactly the kind of
party we want Hillary to go to.

- Yeah.
- Well, we would like no fooling around.

So, now that we've established
that I'm a great kid,

- can you please leave?
- Yeah, my Mom hasn't met you guys yet.

We're going. You're coming with us.

- You're still grounded.
- Diane: I'll handle this.

We're leaving, but you're coming
with us. You're still grounded.

Stop! I am the original grounder!

I get to say if she's still grounded!

Hillary, we're leaving.
You're coming with us.

- Aw. I'm so sorry.
- You're still grounded.

- I just said that.
- I'm so sorry.

- Come on. You two.
- I'm so embarrassed!

Keep up the good grades.

Wow. Hillary still gets grounded?
What is she, 10?

Hi. You're Lindsey, right?

- Courtney Winters' best friend?
- Yes.

I'm Courtney Winters.

[ sighs ] I just wanted to
be her best friend, you know?

She's a teenager.

She'll be your best
friend when she's 25.

Till then, 12 years of
her thinking you're evil.

- Really?
- I don't know. That's what I hear.

[ sighs ]

I've got as much experience
raising teenagers as you do.

- What about Warren?
- Warren's a unique case.

- Pbht! Pbht! Pbht! Pbht!
- Oh, Warren, stop.

[ sighs ] "Dear Courtney,
I know we've never met in person,

but I think we'd really hit it off.

I'd love to take you
on a date sometime.

I'm free any night for any activity.
Please say yes."

Your friend and, hopefully,
future boyfriend and hey ...

Who knows? ...
Maybe future husband, Warren Harrison."

[ sighs ]

[ gunfire ]

[ computer chimes ]

[ keyboard clacking ]

"Dear Warren,
you're really handsome,

but I only date boys
with a 3.5 GPA or higher.

Sincerely, Courtney."

I will earn your love, Courtney Winters!

[ music ]