Tripped (2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Huh. Looks like whatever we went through
only goes one way.

- Let's hope we're home.
- No signal.

If we are, my place is
just around the corner.

This is where Kate and me
are getting married.

Just want to get home and see her.

Are you saying that I'm boring?

And what is so great about
being married, then?

I want to settle down with
the woman that I love.

That just doesn't sound like
the Dangerous Dan I used to know.

At least I know what I want from life.

Fuck!



Stop it!

- Is he still there?
- He's smoking.

Why's he smoking in my house? That's so rude.

Get it off! Get it off! Fire!

Balls. I loved this cardigan.

I love what you've done with the place, man.

Oh, God!

Oh, I'm never gonna get used
to seeing myself dead.

It's weird, eh?

It looks like we're spooning.

Yeah, it is kind of nice, isn't it?

No. No. Seeing our own dead bodies

get rigor mortis in the spooning position
is not "kind of nice".

I hate to say it, but this
is kind of a good thing.



Cause Callum's already killed us in this reality
which means...

Chances are he isn't coming back.
We've got time.

Time to what?

Take stock. Have a shower.

OK, cool.
We could look for Callum Stevens again.

- Goldenmire.
- Now we're talking.

We have plenty of time.
We have nothing to worry about.

KATE: We're back.

- Except that.
- Hi, shitbags.

Hey, fucknose.

Milo. Oh my God!

- Paul.
- It has been like a shaft of a long time, right?

I thought you basically just stayed at your
house now and never left like a hermit crab.

Why are you elbowing me? Ow!

It's really nice to see you out and about.

- Whoa, whoa...
- Excuse me!

- What do you want? I can get it for you.
- I want to sit down.

Sit down here. You know, grab a coffee
and have a chat and a... great time.

What is going on? What's in there?

No, no, no, no.
It's erm... (Groans)

Erm... a present for you and...

...I haven't wrapped it yet.

Aw, Danny! You know that delayed
gratification is definitely not my thing!

- No, no, no! I let one rip in there.
- It was really bad.

- So intense.
- Very bad.

- I'm sorry.
- Urgh...

That's not cool, bro.

What the shit are we gonna do?

OK, OK. Erm... you keep them busy.

- I'll clear away the bodies.
- Me? Paul and Kate hate me!

Maybe in this reality
you'll get on really well.

You deal with them, I will... hide us.

All right, hands up. Who's thirsty for rugger?

Rugby is what I mean by that.

Oh, I know what I meant to show you.

Is that cocaine?

"Is that cocaine?" Er... yeah!

I believe it is.
It's not as good as the shit we had last week

- but it will still fuck your skull quite nicely.
- OK.

Where did you get such
a massive amount of coke?

From Tesco.

The Waitrose shit is twice as expensive
and not really any better.

This game is turning into one spicy enchilada.

I'm gonna go peep it on the widescreen
next door.

No, no. You... You can't.
Milo's, you know, it was an epic smell.

You really don't want to go in there.

I'm no stranger to a wee bit of farteggio,
Capitan.

(Laughs)
Chillax.

Wait, wait...

- Come on.
- What's going on?

Ha, ha, ha. Come on. Let's go.

Yeah, OK, yeah. Let's... go.
Let's do that. Milo?

- Milo?
- Danny, seriously, come on.

Danny?

What about Milo?
I need to tell him where we're going.

- Like he doesn't know. Come on.
TANNOY: This is not a drill.

Emergency. This is not a drill.

Holy shit!

Secretary Gauloir needs to talk some sense into
the Koreans then the Chinese will fall in line.

- Easy.
- What?

It's not just the slant-eyes.

The Russians are playing
silly buggers as well.

All that vodka, I reckon.
Fried their 'mind-skis.'

Again, what?

I know you don't like talking
about all the ins and outs of it.

- But it's the world we live in.
- Maybe we should talk about it.

Imagine I didn't know anything,
I had no idea what you were talking about.

How would you summarise the whole...

...whatever's going on?

Fascinating challenge, hermano!
Challenge accepted...

Can we just get in the shelter first?

Shelter?

Come on.

Weird song choice.

(Siren)

MAN: Please may I have your attention.

The all-clear has been given.

You may return to your homes. Attention...

Where the hell did you disappear to?

- Oh!
- I called for you.

How did you even find us?

The first person I saw asked why I wasn't in
"the shelter" then sent me in this direction.

I'm gonna talk to Paul about something.

OK, yeah. See you in a bit.

- Cosy.
- Listen, you are never gonna believe this.

That we almost got nuked?
Yeah, I noticed. What's going on?

Russia, Korea, parts of China and a bunch of
countries with 'istan' at the end of their names,

have got nukes pointed at Europe and America.

We've had nukes pointed back at them
for years.

Both sides are making threats,
no one's backing down.

That is quite the pickle, mon frére.

So how do we go about
getting the fuck out of here, eh?

- We need a plan.
- I have no idea.

Brace your backside, hermano.
Exciting times ahead.

I've been talking to Paul about a
surprise for you so follow me.

OK, OK. You go do what you need
to be doing here and I'll go.

Meet you back at The Cat's
Tail in an hour or so.

Sure, OK. So, what's going on?

Can I take this off my eyes yet? It stinks.

True that, my lad. My feet sweat so much
sometimes I feel like I'm paddling.

Nice. So, where are we?

I feel like we've been
walking around in circles.

Ta-da!

We're in the church.

So I literally have been
walking round in circles.

I know Hartley's kind of naff, but time's short and
it seems we're having an alert every other day

so I thought let's do it,
let's get married right now!

- Kapow! What?
MAN: Ssh!

So all of these people are getting married?

What's the matter with you today?
Usually up for anything.

Of course I am. I'm not boring,

I'm totally up for anything.

Yeah, let's... let's do it!

Let's get fucking hitched, babes! Sorry.

Hello? Gran, are you home?

Oh, no.

You may kiss the bride.

OK. Who do we have?
Daniel Gates and Kate Riddle?

So, unless there are any objections

it's time to get you two lovebirds married.

Oh, wait a second.

I... I shouldn't.

Whisky gives me diarrhoea.

Yeah, screw it. Why not?

Right, bring it!

- Oh my God.
- Hey.

There you are. Look.

This place is like a Cuban bar here.

Right, don't stay out too long, dickwad,
or I might have to chain you up again. Mm...

See you later, Mr Gates.

See you inside, Mrs Gates.

Did she just?

(Gasps) That's why there's a party in there!

You tied the knot!
You sly bastard, you got married!

I didn't have a choice.

You know the bit where it says, "Do you take
this woman to be your wife?" You say no.

I was trying to keep a low profile, blend in.

You're the one that said
I always play it safe.

You're trying to prove something, I love it.

Good on you, mate.
Anyway, look what I found at home.

- Another clue.
- How do you know?

Last time we got a cryptic message

about something only we know about,
it led us to the gateway.

"The place where we nicked
the halogen lights from."

- Our old school kitchen?
- Yes...

Wahey! Danny!

Finally settling down, eh?

Dad, are you smoking a blunt?

You know I don't smoke weed, son.
This is Afghan heroin.

- Kim loves it.
- Kim?

Oh, here we go again with the lecture.

Just because Kim is a
teenage Korean rent boy

does not mean our relationship
isn't very meaningful.

Besides, that boy gobbles it up
like it was satay chicken.

Everything you said is
wrong on so many levels.

Your problem is you're too bloody repressed,
Danny.

You disappoint me, son.

OK, what just happened?

Clearly living with the threat of nuclear
annihilation makes people go crazy.

Come on, let's go.

- Wait, I should tell Kate.
- Well, what?

Tell her you're from a parallel world?

The Danny she thought she married
is in the garden shed in the lawnmower?

- I feel bad for her.
- I know, I know.

But you didn't kill this world's Danny.
Or Milo.

None of this is fair, but we have to go.

- OK.
- Yes, thank you.

This is the right place, isn't it?

Yeah. Except it isn't our school any more.

They've turned it into this Chair thing.

- Hiya.
- Hello.

We're just wondering
if you could help us.

What is this place?

See, we used to go to school here.

We were hoping to get inside.

Bit of a trip down
memory lane, kind of thing.

- It'd be a really magical night if you let us in.
- Hm?

He's like one of those Queen's Guards.

Mate, your flies are undone, by the way.

Ooh, he's good.

Come on, Milo.
Clearly we're not wanted here because...

(Yelling)... Fattyboy can't take it!

He really is good, actually.

- That's skill.
- He's moving.

He's moving! Go! Shit, shit!

(Panting)

It's not far now. Come on!

We're nearly at the gateway.

- How did he find us?
- Same way he always does.

Come on!

You can press the button any time.

And go all the way back? No way.

We need to find the others.
They might need us.

We sure as shit need them. Come on!

We'll find a way in, we'll find Callum.

We put our minds to it, and we'll be fine.

And while we're here
it does seem like drugs

are incredibly easy to come by in this world,
so that is always an option.

Hey! Where you been?

Let's go.

I'll come round tomorrow, we'll regroup.
I'll figure a way out of here.

Happy honeymoon.

I'm not gonna do anything.
That would be cheating.

In this world, anything goes. You saw your dad.
Afghan heroin and a Malaysian rent boy.

- Korean.
- What's the difference?

Racism. Look, point is, live it up.
Remember Dangerous Dan?

He would have done it.

Why are you so desperate
for me to cheat on Kate?

Is it cheating, though?
Can you cheat on a person with themselves?

But it's not her. That's like saying
if we gave hand-jobs to versions of ourselves

from another reality, that wouldn't be weird.

Yeah, that's definitely weird.

You're avoiding my question.
Why do you want me to cheat on Kate?

All I wanna do is get home.

All right? As far as I'm concerned,

the sooner you get laid, the sooner you stop
moping about Kate and focus on getting back.

All right? And maybe, just once,

you can try enjoying yourself.

Get in there.

Bye.

Mm, no, sorry. Erm... I'm a bit... drunk.

Hm, you likey the helpey?

Me no likey the helpey.

Erm... Erm... I'm battered.

I've got some acid. We could just pound that
and then I really want to get naked.

MILO: I'm not that bothered
it's gone up in smoke.

Flames...fire, death.
Who gives a fuck? I don't.

I hate my life.

TANNOY: There is now
a state of emergency

in the Civil Defence headquarters
with the army being called up.

Milo?

Milo?

Callum Stevens specialises
in foreskin piercing.

Hm. If you're ever in Stoke-on-Trent

and you need an expert in genital mutilation,
he is your guy.

He's not our guy, but... none of them are.

I got into Other Me's email account
and er... well, he was a total recluse.

This whole nuclear shit freaked him out
and he just never went anywhere.

How did his dead body
end up at the Other Me's flat?

Well, by the looks of it,
there was a fight here.

I'm guessing Other Me went to hide
with Other You and was killed anyway.

And no one cares. He was... all alone.

Unlike you, hm? Mr Married.

- Nothing happened if you're asking.
- Sure.

- Did you find anything that could help us?
- As a matter of fact, I did.

For just £10,000 a year,
we are offering up the Chair package.

So a few years back, our school got sold
to a private security company.

A lead-lined bunker, guaranteed by scientists,

to withstand a direct nuclear blast.

This fully air-conditioned bunker has been
designed as an optimal living space.

The Chair boasts cinema,
café, washing facilities,

an extensive narcotics
cabinet and wine fridge.

And best of all, your own personal pod.

For just £10,000 a year,

you will have the peace of mind
that if the unthinkable does happen,

in The Chair, everything will be OK.

How the hell are Goldenmire involved in this?

OK, OK. So all we have to do is break into
a private high-security nuclear bunker

before we find ourselves
in the middle of World War III.

Easy.

Why have you not been answering your phone?

- Have you seen the news?
- No.

TV: Stay with us as we continue to bring you
up-to-date news around the clock

following Prime Minister Andre's
announcement.

After UN negotiations broke down,

we hoped the Russian and Korean alliance
would at least consider what was at stake.

But 25 minutes ago, the Russian leader
walked out on proceedings.

War has been declared.

A direct nuclear attack on UK soil
is not now merely possible, it's inevitable.

I urge you to stay calm,
stay with your loved ones.

Find your own mysterious girl
and get close to her.

Oh, my God.

I know. When did Peter Andre
become Prime Minister?

It's OK. We'll get on a train.
We'll go north, go to Wales.

How will we get past the blockades?

So this is it? This is how I go out?

This isn't fair. I've...
I've done everything right.

The job, the wedding, the sensible house...
and this is what I get?

Guys, still here.

Excuse us, Milo. We've got some business.

Dan, what's got into you?

Dangerous Dan.

Ah, Pete.

Do we know each other?

In another life, maybe.

JD and some ketamine. If it's really
the end of the world, let's get fucked up.

This will do.

Pete, do you know about that bunker, the one
that is where Cromwell school used to be?

Yeah, why? You got a seat?

You can have a night with my wife.
She's big, but she's keen.

No, I don't. And I'm all right for that.

I was just wondering has anyone
tried to, like, storm the place?

I've never really thought about that before.

Yeah.

- See you around, son.

- Danny?
- Wagwan, motherfucker!

- Nah, nah!
- Thought I'd find you here.

You were totally right, mate.

Getting married, working in insurance,
playing it safe.

No more, Milo, my man.

Yeah, yeah. What are you wearing?

I stole it, baby! And guess what?

Me and Kate, we did it a lot.

We did... all kinds of things.
You know, sex things.

Then I left her sleeping.
I've been stealing shit ever since.

- Excellent.
- Yeah. I got erm... drugs from the supermarket.

Booze.

- Love that.
- Pringles! Everyone loves Pringles.

I fucking love this song!

Yes! Get in!

Here I come! Godzilla! (Whooping)

Aha-ha-ha!

I'm gonna go steal more stuff.
Dangerous Dan is back!

Tell... Tell him what you told me
about the bunker.

That we should storm it?

- Yeah!

Why do they get to sit in first class
while we are reduced to dust?

Who died and made them King of England?

Not us, that's for sure.
Let's take back the power.

Power to the little man.
Take back what's ours!

Take back what's ours!

Take back what's ours! Take back what's ours!

OK...

Viva la revoluciôn!

Yes, revolution!

Oi! Well, hello, Fattyboy.
You gonna let us in now, please?

Step away from the fence, sir.

This is private property
and we are licensed to respond with force.

We're here to take back what's ours.

- (Gasping)
- Oh, shit!

- Oh, man...
- No...

Now, I'm asking you to step back!

Yes, sure.

DANNY: Milo! I got your back!

Where did you get a car from?

I stole it, baby!

- Balls.
- Move back from the fence.

-This is private property.

We're gonna get nuked, aren't we?

You saw Peter Andre.

That was a guy that knew
we were totally gonna get nuked.

Fuck!

I've just started living, Milo.
I've just started fucking living!

What if I'd been more like you, you know?

- You just do what you want.
- Look where that's got me!

GUARD: Move back or we will fire.

Let's have that drink, huh?

- Kate?
- Oh, for...

Can you just shut up about Kate?
Kate, Kate!

- All you ever talk about...
- Kate. What's she doing here?

- Kate!
- Danny, is that you?

You look... different.

- Nope, not mine.
- Whoa, whoa!

You're the Kate from outside The Cat's Tail.

- You kneed me in the balls.
- Ooh, you're that Danny.

Yeah. Dangerous Dan.

Well... sorry. Excuse me.

No, no. What are you doing?

Just looking for my Milo and Danny
and getting nowhere as usual.

You look amazing in leather.

- What are you doing?
- Pretty much whatever I want.

It's awesome, you should try it.

Fuck it, it's been ages.

TANNOY: Move back from the fence!

This is private property!

NEWSREADER: on a scale never
seen before in the history of mankind.

They have wiped out huge cities
across the world since the war began.

Millions, if not billions,
are already thought to be dead

and martial law has been declared
across the UK.

In his last words before entering
the Downing Street shelter,

the Prime Minister issued a statement.

Where have you been?

New York and Paris were blown to shit
overnight.

- Jesus Christ.
- Yeah. And we're next.

Wait, we're not dead yet.

We're not dead yet, which means...

...I cheated on Kate twice.

Twice?

Once with this Kate and
then another time with...

another Kate.

You cheated on Kate
with two Other Kates?

You really have a type, don't you?

It was the one with the sword.
I didn't even try to get the wristband off of her.

Bloody Dangerous Dan!

No!

Fucking Paul.

You're here! But inside there, you're dead.

- Paul, calm down. It's OK.
- It's not OK! No, no, no!

I came over to pick up your
Friends and Family Pass

to The Chair for us, but you weren't here.

So I thought,
"Sod this. Paolo is not going out like that."

So I broke in... sorry about that.

- That's all right.
- It's OK.

Jesus, Milo!

Yeah, sorry, but he was doing my head in, so...

We haven't got time to waste.
We've got the documents to find.

If I had a pass to The Chair,
where would I keep it?

Those passes have to be here somewhere.

This photo was taken the day I proposed.

"The place we nicked the halogen lights from."
Same clue as before.

Someone really wants us
to get into that school.

- And now we can.

Yeah, man!

And... I'm just gonna leave one for Kate,
you know?

- It's what the Other Me would have wanted.
- Yeah. Just quickly, yeah?

I'm so confused. I thought Danny from here
was Dangerous Dan, like Kate is, you know?

"Live for the moment."
So why has he got insurance?

Because, Danny boy, deep down you are
just a sensible, insurance-loving bastard!

This is definitely what you need
when you're hungover.

Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me...

- Hey, solidarity, my brother!
- Good to see you.

They can't keep us out, eh?

- Power to the people!
- Yeah.

Two, please.

Take back what's ours!
Take back what's ours!

- Take back what's ours! Take back what's ours!

You bourgeois bastards!

The old kitchens were round to the left.

- Perfect.
- Mr Gates, Mr Edwards.

Your credentials have been verified.

If you'd like to take the elevator.

You don't remember me, do you?

Hang on, Stacey Flatley? Oh, my God!

Ah! You look amazing.
Your hair's blonde now.

That's... a thing, isn't it?
Last time I saw you, I was...

- Fingering me up a tree.
- That's it.

To be young again.
We were gonna go this way, so...

The old school building is now used
as The Chair corporate offices.

- You can't get in without a keycard.
- Like yours...

There's really nothing exciting in there,
to be honest.

Thank you for choosing The Chair.

And er... I'm glad to see you in here, Milo.

- You look good.
- You look good, too.

Sorted! All we need is that keycard
from Stacey and we are outta here.

How do you plan on getting that?

We are one classic Milo seduction away
from getting the hell out of Crazy Town.

Need to go downstairs, do my hair,
get my game face on

and, I'll be honest, take a shit,
and then I'm coming right back up here.

Cheer up. Hard to believe my life depends
on copping off with Stacey Flatley.

Lucky you.

Ah, welcome to The Chair.

Please, follow me.

It is never as good as the brochure, is it?

As long as it's nuke-proof, who gives a shit?

Your pod.
Please call if we can be of any assistance.

Thank you.

I'm going to use the facilities.

- I feel terrible.
- Hm?

This world's Danny is dead and the things
I did with his Kate...

Can this wait? Cos I've...

I was gonna get married,
live happily ever after and...

I feel your pain,
but I really, really need to poo, so...

Your pod.

Kate, you made it.
You must have been right behind us.

What?

I can't believe that you secretly spent a
fuck-ton of money on private shelter insurance.

You should have just told me.

I know it's not right... but at least we're safe.

I have to find my parents... my friends.

I can't be here.

You can join me if you
want, but I'm not staying.

Hey, hey, hey. Look, look, look.

The moment has passed, it's gone back in.
Hello, Kate.

Let's go. Operation Flatley... begins now.

- Give me a minute, OK?
- Let go of me, Danny!

Kate wants to go up to the surface.

Highly not recommended. Dan, let's go.

I'll catch up, OK?

Stacey...

I was just downstairs chilling out
and er... it got me thinking.

- Me, too.
- OK.

Let's take this somewhere a little less filled
with the sound of rioting, huh?

Look at them! Corporate bloodsuckers!

Staying safe and leaving us to burn.

String him up!

Me! Me!

Oh, yeah!

And you. You're the Danny who appeared
in my house and gave us the wristband.

- This door won't hold for long.
- Oh, what is going on?

Where's the other Danny?

Back in the bunker. Kate was freaking out...

-and it's always about Kate;

You're just like me!

- No shit, Sherlock.
- We need to find Danny, so...

- Follow us.
- No, no, no. Not until I know what's going on.

Since you guys rocked up into my life,
it's been one massive shit sandwich.

- A double decker shit sandwich.
- While we talk, we move.

OK, how did you know we were here?

You're following the clues.
Stacey, the halogen lights, that's all us.

Why are you helping me and Dan? Why did you
come and see me and say I was special?

There's someone trying to kill me and him by
wiping out every Milo and Danny in existence.

- But why?
- Bad luck.

Back in our world, we broke into a house
that we thought was empty to get stoned.

- Classic us.
- Only it wasn't empty.

It was filled with all this weird shit -
gadgets, screens.

When we were looking around, Callum came in.

Starts threatening us,
telling us he's going to kill us.

In the shit-yourself panic,

we grabbed some wristbands, pressed some
buttons, ended up somewhere else.

Will you take me home?

You all right now?

You OK?

- Yeah, I'm sorry. I just lost it.
- I don't blame you.

Now... I know this is gonna sound a bit weird,

but I... I actually have
to go somewhere myself.

What?

What the hell is that?

TV: Breaking news...

And what about Kate?

She was with us when we stole the wristbands.
It was the three of us for a while.

Trying to stay alive, then... we got separated
and we've been trying to find her ever since.

She's been trying to find you, too.
Yeah, that makes sense.

We've been trying to help
every version of us we find.

Why not just fucking
tell us all this in the first place?

I did. I told you the night I came to you.

I was very high at the time.

- (Angry shouting intensifies)
- Up on the table.

What, this is the gateway? Oh, OK.

I thought we were gonna find Danny
for some super-secret back way.

We'll go back for Danny.
But not until you're safe.

No. I don't even know why this is happening,
why you're helping.

No time to explain, Milo. You have to go.

That jacket. Little bit messed up.

- Yeah.
- Here. Take this one.

Sweet.

Oh, my God.

The news says that the police helping guard
outside have turned on Goldenmire.

They're helping the crowd shoot their way in.

- We're gonna be OK. I'll...
- (Shattering glass)

- Go, go, go!

They're through. Go, Milo. Go.

- No! I'm not going anywhere without Danny.
- There is no time. Come on!

You said you'd go get him, so go and get him.

It's now or never.
They're getting closer.

He chose to stay behind with Kate.

He was willing to die
for that choice. Are you?

It's gonna be fine. We're gonna be OK.
We're gonna be absolutely, completely fine.

Come on!

Ooh, no...

No! I'm not going...