Trial & Error (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - An Unwelcome Distraction - full transcript

_

Dwayne: Nothing to panic about.

Fortunately, I was a member

of the East Peck Police
Department for over half a week,

so I'm well-equipped to deal
with emergency situations.

Officer down! Put your
hands where I can see them!

It's okay! My name is
former officer Dwayne Reed,

and I was here
investigating Detective Hiss

in connection to the
murder of Margaret Anderson.

When I arrived on the scene,
I found him on the floor,

so per police protocol, I called 911.



- Did you contaminate the crime scene?
- Negative.

Though I did move the
body to retrieve a soda pop

from the fridge to settle my stomach

after I vomited when
I touched his stun gun.

I got your message. Are you okay?

Ma'am, this is an active crime scene.

Oh, it's okay. I work in an office.

Where's Rutger's firearm?

For safety, I removed
Detective Hiss' weapon

and placed it in my back pocket.

Per police protocol, I
will now remove the weapon,

make sure it is unloaded,
and place it on the counter.

- [Gunshot]
- Oh [bleep] a duck!

Per police protocol, I will
now confirm no one was shot.



You good? You good? You good?

Josh: So, the lead detective,

who was having an affair
with Margaret Henderson,

is in a coma and can no longer testify.

Our sole focus now is getting
his tainted evidence thrown out.

Needless to say,

my team should avoid any
unnecessary distractions.

And yet I keep needing to say it.

[Reporters shouting indistinctly]

Mr. Henderson, how does it
feel to know that your wife

was having an affair
before you killed her?

Uh, not good, that's for sure.

No more questions.
My client is innocent.

This whole trial is a witch hunt.

No, no, the witch
hunt's on November 4th.

[Shouting continues]

You heard my lawyer. No more questions!

Crystal: Larry, why are
you such a beautiful soul?

I heard someone in the back.

I'm such a fan of your work.

I was wondering if
you would sign my book.

I mean, your book. Well, our book.

Oh, of course, I will. Um, Dad,
hey, hey, she seems a little crazy.

- Crazy about poetry.
- Yes.

"To a ray of light in
this dark, dark world."

Thank you.

I'm happy that my work has touched you.

It has. Yes. [Whispers] Everywhere.

Okay, we're done here.

- I love you.
- Nice girl.

[Shouting continues]

Josh: Your Honor, in
light of the revelation

that Rutger Hiss was having an affair

with Margaret Henderson
at the time of her death,

the defense would like to
make a motion that any evidence

collected by Detective Hiss

is tainted and should be thrown out.

Your Honor, I'd like the record to show

that Mr. Segal cannot be serious.

Josh: The record should not show that.

I was hoping not to have to mention

that Margaret Henderson
was not the only person

in this case to be having
an inappropriate relationship

with Detective Hiss.

It was not a relationship.

It was one dirty grind at a barn dance.

Oh, no. Not you, Your Honor.

But wow. Her.

Detective Hiss and I were
intimate, and the revelation

that he was unfaithful
with Margaret Henderson

was hurtful to both me and his wife.

But I'm a professional,
and I can assure you

this information will not change that.

I will not stand for
these personal attacks,

especially from an outsider
who thinks he's too good

to eat the food here in East Peck

and has his own cuisine
shipped in from New York City.

That is ridiculous.

Carol Anne: Oh, do you deny
being seen around town

with a Zabar's bag,

eating bagels and whitefish and homos.

It's pronounced "hummus."

And I only ship in food because
the mushy rings of white bread

that they call bagels
down here are a joke.

[Spectators murmuring]

- Man: Witch!
- [Gavel banging]

Order!

Mr. Segal, where are you
going with this?

Beyond Rutger Hiss' tainted testimony,

the prosecution has nothing.

- This case is over.
- Yes!

Thank you! Josh, finally!

[Chuckles] Oh, what a nightmare.

Larry, no.

If the defense believes that all we have

is Detective Hiss' testimony,
then he clearly hasn't seen

the coroner's report
on Margaret Henderson.

No. I haven't seen the coroner's report.

I didn't know there
was a coroner's report.

I have been asking for it for weeks.

Our coroner is only
accustomed to listing

two causes of death here in East Peck...

obesity and emphysema.

So he did not have a murder
stamp, but he does now.

As you'll see, the
lacerations on the scalp

indicate Margaret was
attacked with a weapon

before she went through that window.

Her death was a
deliberate act of violence.

My team will need time
to review this report.

What did Larry do to that poor woman?

Anne: Look at her head!

Your Honor, there's
no way the prosecution

can connect these
lacerations to my client.

I beg to differ.

In fact, we believe the
markings were made by these.

Let the record show
this is Mr. Henderson

with his walking sticks.

One of which was found
in the Henderson home,

the other has gone suspiciously missing.

Perhaps your client would like
to answer as to its whereabouts.

- Objection.
- Overruled.

I got this.

Your accusation is laughable.

Those are not walking sticks,

they are titanium trekking poles.

And as for the missing one, I lost it...

around the time that Margaret died.

Your Honor, the prosecution

can't keep springing new evidence on us

without us having a chance to review it.

- Oh, interesting.
- She's doing it again!

Josh.

Carol Anne: Your Honor,
this is a medical report

from the East Peck County Hospital.

It appears Rutger Hiss has suffered

a very similar head wound...

similar to the one Larry
inflicted on Margaret.

Speculation all over the place.

There's no shortage
of people in this town

who harbor a grudge against Mr. Hiss.

True. I-I've had many
dreams where I killed him.

And one where we kissed.

Your Honor, I demand
that the prosecution

either charge my client with
another crime he didn't commit

or put a stop to this nonsense.

I thought it was clear
I was being rhetorical.

I got it.

Hi, Larry.

Hi, Josh.

How are you doing?

Oh, I don't know.

I consider myself to
be a positive person,

but this constantly getting arrested

for violent crimes is
starting to really bum me out.

Me too.

I was really hoping to
just focus on one case,

but, apparently, I'm now working on two.

Next thing you know,
they're gonna bring up

that hit-and-run I got
away with last year.

I didn't hear that.

That hit-and-run that I
got away with last year.

No one died. I-I was
driving with my skates on.

Ugh, no, I can't hear that.

Let's work on our timeline.

The police are estimating that Rutger

was attacked around 5:00 a.m.

So we need to account
for your whereabouts

between midnight and 5:00.

Well, I was at home in
bed until around 2:00,

but I couldn't sleep.

So I made some ginger tea.

Fresh, of course, not that
[bleep] they serve at the diner.

Whoa, Larry.

I'm sorry... prison language.

Anyway, I was so upset about the tulips

they planted on Margaret's grave,

so I put on my skates and went
to the 24-hour hardware store

to get gardening supplies.

Fantastic. I'm sure
they have security video.

_

_

_

_

I'm sure someone will try to
spin that to make me look bad.

_

[Sighs] Could anyone
have seen you after that?

Well, I suppose so.

People don't miss much around here.

I still can't believe I got
away with that hit-and-run.

Ugh, God, please!

Okay, so my next job
is finding witnesses

to corroborate your alibi.

- And then I'll be free?
- Yeah.

Well...

free to stand trial
for murdering Margaret.

Oh.

We also need to find that trekking pole.

If we don't, the
prosecutor is going to claim

that you got rid of it after
you used it to kill Margaret.

Any idea where it could be?

Maybe you should look up
the prosecutor's [bleep]

I'm sorry. This place is
turning me into an animal!

Josh: Okay, we have to clear
Larry of these Rutger charges

so we can get back to clearing
him of the Margaret charges.

Here's the gap in our timeline.

We have Larry at the
hardware store at 4:37.

We have Rutger attacked at about 5:00.

That means that for Larry to do it,

he would have to get
from the hardware store,

down and around the courthouse,

down and through the cemetery,

past the elementary school...

and the neighboring
psychiatric hospital,

all the way down to Rutger's house

in less than half an
hour... on roller skates.

Now, does anyone really
believe he could do that?

- Oh, he can do anything.
- I do. Larry is the best!

You guys, he's trying to
prove my dad couldn't do it.

- He's not Batman.
- Oh, he... he sucks at stuff.

He probably crashed and burned.

So I'm gonna get a pair of skates

and retrace that route,
see how long it takes me.

Not to brag, but I'm
a pretty good skater.

Now, I need the three of you
to find that trekking pole.

Oh, I searched the house all morning.

- It is not there.
- Damn it.

You're barking up the wrong
tree with that stick.

You find a bear or a
lion in that house...

you've found your
killer. Thank you, Dave.

We are going to keep that one in mind.

But right now, let's just
keep focusing on that stick.

You know, following
Dave's line of thought...

Must we?

...there was somebody in Larry's house

who might have seen what
happened to that missing stick.

- His dog.
- Hmm.

So we're gonna ask the dog?

- Of course not.
- Okay.

We'll go to a pet psychic.

Oh, come on, Anne.

- That is insane.
- Thank you, Dwayne.

We will never get an appointment
this time of year. You know that.

There's only four of them,
and it's the busy season.

Okay, so East Peck
has zero dry-cleaners,

zero bookstores, one
ATM, four pet psychics?

We got a bookstore...

on aisle five of the supermarket.

Those are greeting cards.

[Sighs]

Okay.

- Come on.
- [Laughs]

You're almost there.

Yeah, okay. There we go.

[Grunts] All right!

Yes.

- One hour, 22 minutes.
- Great.

That proves Larry
couldn't have gotten here.

No, that proves that
you're in worse shape

- than a 65-year-old man.
- Oh.

Well, for the last two miles,
your butt crack was showing.

I was trying to get you to go faster.

Okay, no problem. We'll
come up with another idea.

You want to find out what
a real bagel tastes like?

Ah, you are really taking
to country life, aren't you?

I actually think I'm doing pretty well.

Yeah.

- Ah. Whoa.
- [Owl hooting]

You see that giant pigeon?

Uh, it's an owl, but, yes.

Well, look like two feet below
it, it's a security camera.

Oh, my God.

Summer, this is huge.

I will get a court
order to get the tape,

and then we can prove that
your dad was never here.

Okay. You're getting
pretty good at this, Yankee.

Yeah, thank you.

Are you sure you don't want a bite of...

[Screeches]

- Oh!
- Oh, God!

What the [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

[Laughs]

That was an onion bagel with whitefish!

This surveillance tape
should prove my client

was not at Detective Hiss' house.

Your Honor, how do we know the
defense didn't tamper with the tapes?

Because the defense didn't have them.

We're all seeing them
for the first time.

My God, this is boring.

- You can actually go faster.
- Thank you, Counselor.

This is the first time I've ever
watched anything on a screen.

Wait. Somebody's there. Look.

You want to show me how to pause?

I get it. I'm sorry.

No, seriously, how do you pause?

Oh, uh, space bar.

That's Larry breaking into the house.

No. Time code says 4:00 a.m.,

and I can prove that my client
was at the hardware store.

- Well, who is that?
- That's not my problem.

Oh, I think it might be.

Oh [bleep]

Things you should be doing at this
stage of a murder trial...

analyzing evidence...
interviewing witnesses,

working on your opening statement.

Things you shouldn't be doing...

trying to get your lead
detective out of jail.

Dwayne, I have to say, your
behavior is inexplicable.

I can explick it.

After I left the bar that
night, I really had to urinate,

so I thought I'd give Rutger
the old EPPD pee pee, you know.

- I don't.
- It's this old East Peck PD thing

where you pee in a guy's gas tank.

But when I got there, I
couldn't find his truck anywhere.

And, unfortunately, I was
past the point of no return,

so I snuck into his house
to use the facilities.

Why didn't you just use the bushes?

Public urination is a misdemeanor.

[Chuckles] And this guy's a lawyer.

Okay, but now you've been
arrested for attempted murder,

which is a felony.

That's why he's a lawyer.

I swear I left as soon
as I did my business.

I didn't see Rutger at all.

Next time I saw him, he was in a coma.

You know, I came down here to
defend Larry on murder charges.

I can't keep getting
pulled into these sideshows.

Especially by members of my own team.

I don't mean to criticize,

but if you think about
it, me getting arrested

is actually what helped get
Larry off in the Rutger case.

So I'm kind of doing your job for you.

Ahh. Freedom!

Smells like...

..empanadas?

Did I leave the oven on
when I went to jail again?

Oh, good, you're home!

How did you get in here?

The window was open.

Oh, my gosh. Are you mad? You're mad.

You're mad that I broke into your house

and that I'm wearing your
apron, and you hate empanadas.

No, I love empanadas.

I don't love that you used a
metal spatula on a non-stick pan.

I'm sorry.

I was just so moved by your poetry,

and I was wondering if it was too much

to ask for you to read a poem to me.

- I could be convinced.
- Yay!

Wait. Can we do it a little
bit closer to the murder window?

There's no way you could know,
but I don't really call it that.

Oh, I'm sorry. The Margaret hole?

- Better, still not great.
- Oh, that's okay.

We'll just figure out what to call it

once we get married.

Okay, one poem, then you should leave.

And then you'll throw
me out the Margaret hole?

You should leave now.

Okay.

Josh: According to Rutger Hiss' doctor,

there's no hemorrhaging,
no skull fracture,

no evidence the bruising was
caused by anything but his fall.

So the defense is
claiming Detective Hiss

just magically fell into a coma?

Rutger Hiss had a
severe allergic reaction

- to parvalbumin.
- Objection, Your Honor.

Nobody knows what the
defense is talking about.

Man: Witch! Can we have
that person removed?

Where are you going
with this, Counselor?

Parvalbumin is a protein naturally found

in certain seafoods, such
as sturgeon, whitefish.

- So you're saying he was poisoned.
- No.

Poisoned by whitefish, as one
might find in a Zabar's bag?

Okay, wow. No, that's a reach.

You're not serious.

She's not serious.

Summer: Okay, if we're
gonna get Josh out of jail,

we have to think like Josh.

What would Josh do?

Well... he'd listen to our ideas,

and then he'd throw his hands
in the air and sigh and...

Then he'd use the whiteboard.

- Definitely.
- Our first lead.

- Let's start there.
- Here's what we know.

Rutger ate Josh's whitefish.

Wait. That squiggle is the fish?

Put waves up above so
we know it's underwater.

Oh, good idea.

Okay, none of this matters

because the fish wasn't
underwater when he ate it.

It's hard being a lawyer.

Wait. What's that on Rutger's chest?

Well, that's a police-issued body cam.

They issue one to every officer

who's had multiple
misconduct violations.

They call it the Rutger Rule.

So if that camera was on, then
we could just retrace his steps.

I imagine he's not taking
many steps right now.

I mean, he's in a coma.

[Chuckles] Try and keep up.

Honestly, I do not know how Josh

deals with these idiots.

Don't you think the
handcuffs are a bit much?

They can be... if
you're not used to them.

You know I didn't poison
Rutger. What do you want?

I want to be D.A.

And for that, I need
Larry Henderson to fry.

You walk away from his case,

and I will get you out of this cell.

I'm not going to do that.

Either way, one of you is gonna die.

You realize...

the cameras are recording all of this.

Either way...

one of them is gonna die.

[Buzzer]

You have another visitor.

I heard you poisoned a cop.

Officer, we're done here.

All right, here it is...
Rutger's body-camera footage.

I've cued it up to the good part.

I think you will find
it studdedly intriguing.

Six pack. [Grunts]

Mm. I guess Margaret has a type.

So does Anne.

Dwayne: Here he is entering the tavern.

[Fast-forwarding]

That's my girl, you son of a bitch.

This is where it gets
really interesting.

Look what he does to
Josh's car. Look at this.

Yankee, you're about to
get the old EPPD pee pee.

Ew.

Electric? Nerd.

You think that was good, watch this!

Who said that was good?

What the hell is that?

- Mmm.
- [Bag crinkles]

That's Josh's whitefish sandwich.

Mmm. Oh!

This egg salad's gone bad.

All: Oh, we got it!

Reed, one, Hiss, eight.

This egg salad's gone bad.

Judge Horsedich: I've seen enough.

Miss Keane, I suggest you
stick to the case you've got

and stop bringing frivolous
charges into this courtroom.

- Yes, Your Honor.
- Furthermore...

I'm ruling that all evidence

collected by Rutger Hiss
pertaining to the death

of Margaret Henderson is tainted,

and, thus, is thrown out.

Mr. Segal, you are free to go.

Miss Keane, I'll meet
you at the barn dance.

- [Gavel bangs]
- Josh!

Oh, it's so great that we're free again!

Let's get out of this
town and never come back!

Larry, you're still very
much on trial for murder.

Oh, shoot.

Well... it's nice to
forget about it for a while.

Hmm.

Hey, Carol Anne Keane, tough loss today.

Oh, this is far from over.

When I find that walking stick he
used to kill his wife, he's gonna fry,

and I'm gonna make sure
you have a front-row seat.

Larry: I raise my mimosa...

to Josh, our faithful leader.

No. To Dwayne. He got me out of jail.

Oh, hell, I couldn't have
done it without Larry.

It was Summer... who
really held us together.

It's always Summer.

- [Voice breaking] Dad.
- And, Anne...

..how you doing?

Anne: Oh, my gosh. I feel awful.

I didn't get to go to prison...

or get anybody out of prison.

For the first time
since this case started,

I feel like I'm not contributing.

So I decided it's time
to go big or go home.

I pick big.

But I have to go home to get her.

- Guys.
- Summer: Hey, Anne.

This is Madame Rhonda...

East Peck's third-most
popular pet psychic.

If we're being precise, I'm
actually a pet parapsychologist.

Pet psychics are frauds.

We got lucky.

She had an opening when her last client

got eaten by a snake.

If Larry's dog knows
anything about the murder,

he'll tell her.

Am I the only one that's freaking
the [bleep] out right now?

There she is.

It's a he.

Oh, of course he is.

How are you,

- Rex...
- Shakespeare.

...speare.

Shakespeare has a story to tell.

Don't you, girl?

- Boy.
- Boy.

Will you look at this?

It's working.

Look at that!

Talk to me, Shakespeare.

I love to dig. I love to dig.

- I love to dig.
- Man, she loves to dig.

No, she's channeling Shakespeare.

I love to dig.

Josh: Okay, guys, this is... this is...

[Gasps] The murder stick!

Well, would you look at that?