Transparent (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Rollin' - full transcript

Hey, dad. I'm here to help you pack up.
Okay.
I think I'm gonna come out to Joshy next.
Okay. Do you want me to be with you?
No, I'll do... I'll do it alone.
Alright, well, I'll just have him come over here, then.
- Do you think he's ready? - No, you never are.
It's like having a baby.
You know, just one day the baby shows up and you figure it out.
- Honey? - What?
Are you okay with me?
Oh, God, yes.
- No, I'm happy. - Yeah?
Yeah, it's... it's...
It's inspiring.
I mean, I'm so glad you get to be who you are.
That's what we should all be.
Not my business, but how long have you and Tammy been carrying on?
Not my business.
I can't stop thinking about her.
I... it's like... it's just, like,
we just reconnected, after all this time,
and it just happened.
Now we're just, like, connecting every second.
I cannot stop texting her.
You know, it's like, "What are you doing? "
"Eating a sandwich."
"How is it?" "It's amazing."
You know... the thing that you do
when you're falling in love?
Not really.
So you're not in love with Len?
No. I mean, whatever.
I mean, I... I... I'm... I'm staying with Len.
I'm gonna stay with Len. I'm happy to stay with Len.
I just... you know, I just wonder, you know,
what would it feel like to be loved
by someone who's actually moved by loving you?
Why don't you tell him what you want?
I don't want to have to tell someone.
That is... that is the whole...
You can't tell someone that.
Mm. Which one of you are gonna take the encyclopedias?
None of us, dad.
Nobody in the world wants those.
These are the bicentennial encyclopedias.
Ugh. Would it be okay with you if I just crashed here tonight?
Of course, sweetie.
But I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you,
and... I really loved your message earlier, so...
Please leave me more,
'cause when I hear your voice,
I feel better.
Okay, guess I'll go.
I'm sorry I keep calling you.
Hey, Kaya. Don't know why you're not calling me back,
and I'm sick of getting your voicemail, so, anyhoo,
maybe you might want to think about answering your phone
and saying hello?
What's your ish?
* What do you want, Josh? *
Come here. Let's go.
* I'm in the middle of rehearsal *
Come on.
Fine.
One second, you guys. What's up?
Where the fuck is Kaya? She's not answering my calls.
- She's not answering my texts. - I don't know, dude.
- Is she avoiding me? - I couldn't tell you.
Did she not tell you that we might be getting married?
- Married? - Yeah.
- I love her. I proposed, okay? - Oh, my God.
You weird, old, sad fellow.
Married? Are you living in a fucking dream world?
Are you such a fetus that you've not been in love before?
- Yeah, like a million times. - Thank you.
Why don't you help me out and make her call me back
and make sure she's here for the meeting with Ryan.
- What do you want? - You got to get over here,
asap, 'cause dad's got me packing up all his crap
to donate to Haddasah League, and it's now or never.
Um, no, I can't do that today.
What about the cereal boxes?
Do not think about touching those or opening those.
Yeah, it's too late, actually, for that, 'cause I already did.
Nice photos and letters of you and creepy Rita.
I almost forgot about you and the babysitter.
Okay. A... okay, you know what?
Um, I'm coming.
Those the moon rocks? You got 'em?
- Yeah. - Can I see 'em?
Yes.
Okay, there they are.
- So it's just like "E, " really? - Yeah.
But you know how with "E", you, like, you have to take Xanax
when you're coming down, otherwise your brain hurts?
What? No, nobody's ever told me that.
Great, I've been taking my ecstasy wrong for years.
Okay, so what's the plan?
I got Saturday and Sunday off.
Do you want to go Joshua Tree,
which I realized I haven't been to since I was a kid?
I'm so sorry. I feel like a jerk.
I had a plan that was, like, a sex thing.
And I didn't tell you that,
that that was what I wanted to do with the guy from the park?
What guy from the park?
The trainer from the park.
You're hanging out with that guy?
Yeah, I went back, and like, we trained,
and then we started fucking, and whatever.
And then I met his roommate, who is crazy sexy,
and I'm planning a little spit-roasting epic... night.
What is spit-roasting? That sounds disgusting.
Do you really not know what spit-roasting is?
Um, I know it in relation to food.
- God, don't you watch porn? - I don't know.
I find it kind of disturbing, don't you?
Sorry. Hold on.
Okay, so imagine that this is me.
I am the candle, the white-hot, burning candle,
and this pepper shaker is one guy,
and this... imagine this was a pepper shaker, too.
This is the other guy.
- Okay, so his roommate's black. - Oh, yeah.
That's very classic Ali.
This pepper shaker's investigating my vagina
from the behind,
and this pepper shaker is investigating my mouth,
and I... am roasting.
You're gross.
I know.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Joshy's on his way. - Oh, good.
What is this? What's all this?
Oh, this is all I'm taking.
- This is it? - Yeah. I mean,
I just got up in the middle of the night,
and I went, "You know, it's just stuff, right?"
all I need is a safe place to rest my keppie.
Oh, it's Joshy.
No, no. That's...
That's the moving truck.
He'll be here soon.
Are you... are you sure you're okay?
Coming out is coming out is coming out.
I'm good.
Okay.
Love you.
Hey, dad, I'm here.
Dad?
- Dad! - Yeah.
- Hey. - Hey, thanks for coming.
Sarah told me. Oh...
Listen, uh, can I get you some, uh, I don't know, tea?
I have, uh, soda.
I have water, I... I know that.
I'm not... I'm not making you late for work, am I?
Um, it's not the mill, dad.
Oh, okay.
Do you want to help me carry some of this stuff to the car?
- These? - Yeah.
Why didn't you tell me?
What... what?
You smell like the perfume aisle
at a sav-on in the Philippines.
You've got a girlfriend.
Who is she?
Who... you're moving in with her?
It's... eh... it's complicated.
Yeah, I'll bet it's complicated.
You want this in your car?
Yeah, and if I can tell from the scent,
she's about 30 years younger than you and a bit of a freak.
- Am I right? - She's not a freak.
That's last month's issue.
You know, you... you could get a... a post office box.
Uh, my wife does the bills.
- Mine too.
Look at me. I'm... I'm full of bad advice.
You know what you can do?
You can just stick it in an issue
of deck and patio or...
Outdoor living magazine.
- I'm Mark. - Mort.
- Did you get it? - Okay.
So who would like a Charleston Chew?
- Ooh, me, please. - All right.
Who wants a Abba-Zaba?
- I'll take that. - You want that?
I want the Charleston Chew.
No, you have too many cavities.
Trade you my Abba-Zaba.
- I don't like peanut butter. - No!
- Give it to me. - No, stop!
- Hey, hey. - Give it!
- No, stop it! - Hey, hey, hey!
I don't want to hear a peep out of you.
Looky, looky, look. These are the moon rocks.
Yeah, that looks like crack.
No, my friend gave them to me.
She had some extra. They're amazing.
They're supposed to be better than "E," 'cause
they're, like, pure MDMA.
Yeah, this shit sits in your spine.
No, no, no, no, no. That stuff is pure,
and... and there's, like, a really easy comedown.
The government even gives it to Iraq vets
who are recovering from PTSD. It's like...
We should definitely do what the government does.
Uncle Sam wants you to roll with Ali.
- That's cute. - Could be fun.
Should we ask Mike?
Nm-mm.
Hey, Mike! Wanna get high with us?
What you got?
What's up?
- Hey, Josh. - Hey.
Barry's looking for ya.
He's in the conference room.
- Okay. - Mm-hmm.
- Hey. - Hey.
- You got a sec? - Um, I'm kind of in a hurry.
- Ryan's here. - Oh.
We're gonna talk through the remaster with Kaya and Margaux.
Yeah, yeah. No, this'll just be a minute.
Pop a squat, 'cause I want you to meet, uh, the Drug Mules.
- What's up? - Hey, what's up?
Uh, I reached out to you about them a while ago.
I caught them at south-by, and I just went ape balls.
It's totally your wheelhouse, by the way, brother.
Um, I'm in the middle of setting up a tour right now.
So, I highly doubt I'm gonna have the time, you know?
So actually, um, I'm gonna have Glenda
wrangle Glitterish for a minute,
just a little moving and shaking real quick,
and I'm gonna have you jump in with these guys,
and, um, we'll talk about the details later, okay?
I think we're gonna talk about it right fucking now.
Is... is this about Kaya?
What did she say to you?
Because if she told you to fire me,
- Uh-huh. - I got a right to know.
- Do you know what I'm talking about? - Sit down. Everything's actually totally chill.
Barry, what did she say?
Why don't you take a look at those bagels,
- and you need to get to know... - Hey, Barry.
- That fruit salad real fast. - Sit the fuck down.
We're not having this talk right now.
- What did she say to you? - She said she didn't feel
fucking safe... can we talk about it fucking later?
- She doesn't feel safe with me? - Can we talk about this
- fucking later, bro? - What does that even mean?
I'm the one that discovered Glitterish.
I'm the one that was there
the night they played the roxy the first time,
and you were the one who didn't want to sign them.
- I protected her from you... - Dude.
And now you're gonna fucking fire me from the...
- Fuck that shit! - Back... back... back... back.
You just got fired, bro!
Hi.
Hey.
I got a... an hour, a whole hour, just for you.
I cancelled the Grubman thing. I just made up some bullshit.
So do you want to tell me what's going on?
I don't know... I'm just... I...
It's, like, riddled with anxiety, lately.
It's like... It's kind of like...
Anxious exhaustion.
I heard this guy call it that on the radio just, like...
I'm overwhelmed all the time.
You're overwhelmed all the time?
H-how?
How are you overwhelmed? 'Cause we have Sylvia full-time.
I don't know if you're actually aware,
but, um, I manage Sylvia, and, uh,
and I'm on, like, four committees at Ivanhoe,
and the parent outreach at the " J"...
I'm actually training for a triathlon.
I have to swim in the ocean to raise money for breast cancer,
because I hope one day
if I have breast cancer, somebody swims for me.
Babe...
Are you okay? Like... do you feel okay?
Oh, my God.
I don't want you to be mad at me.
I'm not mad.
Ugh! Okay, you know that co-op in college
that I worked at?
I didn't tell you that I also lived there.
- I think you told me that. - I did? Okay, well,
but I didn't tell you that I... that... that I lived there...
with... with Tammy.
Ohh...
Like, in my... in my... in my room with her.
In my bed, actually.
I was in love with her, Len.
I... am in love with her.
Well, I'm gonna call Dr. Schomberg,
- 'cause we haven't... - No.
talked to anyone in a long time.
- Len, no. - Yeah, I'm calling her right now.
No. This doesn't...
this has nothing to do with... This isn't us.
This is me. Len...
- We're gonna talk to her. - It's me.
I'll get us an appointment, and we can talk to her.
Len, it's me. It's me.
You're not allowed to do this, you know.
I don't know how not to.
I just came from Barry's.
I'm gonna have to call you back, okay, dad?
What is going on?
Tell me you did not tell him to fire me.
Yeah, I told him to fire you.
I mean, my God, what was I supposed to do?
I mean, you wouldn't drop the whole baby thing.
Yeah! It's a big deal.
I don't know if you can appreciate this,
but this is a fucking big deal for me.
I've been fucking shit up my whole life.
I'm trying to do the right thing.
By right thing you mean we live in the mountains,
and I run around with milk spewing out of my boobs?
Okay, that was a stupid idea.
Because you care about me so much, Josh?
It was a stupid idea. I'm sorry.
Josh, this is only the second time
you've even been to my house, okay?
And it's not like I live in Venice.
Echo Park and Silver Lake are...
I don't even know where one stops and the other starts.
Okay, rampart. Look...
You never asked me to come here.
I would come here if you asked me to.
A normal guy just comes.
Okay. I'm here now.
I'm here now, and I will continue to come.
Um, I'm going in, and you're not invited.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Okay... - Don't...
Kaya, how'd this happen?
Okay, look, we have a baby in there,
and I don't think you realize how important that is.
I already had the abortion.
When?
Yesterday.
Took, like, four Tylenol. I was totally fine.
I couldn't do it. I just chickened out with Josh.
I'm really sorry about that.
- Boys are the hardest. - Boys are the hardest.
- They are. - Why?
Well, because they...
They never stop really seeing you as their father,
and girls are just easier that way.
I think they're more sensitive.
Why don't we go out, huh? Where?
Well, you know, we'll find some place in Weho,
and we'll just go drink.
I have to come out to Ali.
Nothing feels right until I do that.
Mike, I need three glasses of water, please.
Shit's about to get weird.
Okay, if I get too crazy,
you guys have to be my guides.
Really? You think you can handle the two of us?
Oh, please. You know I've been working out.
Ooh, we got a live one.
For you.
Bottoms up, freaks.
Ah.
Um, guys, that was actually just cyanide that we took.
I'm just kidding!
Hey, you've reached Tammy Cashman.
You know what to do, so do it.
Babe, I did it.
I left Len.
Oh, my God. You know what?
I actually... I think it's gonna be okay.
I think he's gonna be okay.
I just have to... tell the kids.
I'm... I'm taking them to my dad's tomorrow.
Should I tell them tomorrow?
Oh, God, I don't know.
Where are you, honey?
I need to talk to you. Will you call me, please?
Mm, I feel like I'm spooning a bear.
Ugh, this is how the cave women felt.
You know what you look like?
A cat. Like a feral cat.
I had a cat when I was a kid.
We used to be kids.
Rrrwww!
Derek, Derek. You're too far away from us.
- Why are you so far away? - I don't know, I just...
I'm so fucking thirsty.
You should kiss me.
I'm 70% water.
Hi, Mike. You're making me naked.
Mike's making me naked.
Ooh, is that my pussy?
- Yeah, that's your pussy. - Where're you going?
I'm gonna give Mike your pussy
so then Mike has Derek's pussy,
'cause I'm the vessel for you guys...
- What? - So that you have to be
in this room, fucking each other...
What?
- Because that's... - No.
What you really want to be doing.
- No. No. - You really wanna be
- loving each other. - What?
That'll do it.
This is your bitch.
- Is this the wrong one? - Ohh...
But why do I have to leave?
Hello.
I hope Mike's okay. Is Mike okay?
Bye.
Hi.
Hello.
I love your car.
It's so pretty.
I think this is what it must feel like to be in the womb,
but you probably can't do this with your arms.
You have such a pretty face.
Ha.
Where do you come from?
I come from Armenia.
Oh, is your whole family there?
- Yes. - Are you sad about that?
Being alive is being sad.
Can I have a candy bar?
Yes, of course.
They're for customer, like you.
My business card is back there, too.
Maybe I can take you to the airport or something sometime,
you know?
Your name is Tigran.
Ahh...
You would just go and buy these candies
just for the people who ride in your car?
Of course. I just go to the Costco.
That is so incredibly nice of you that you go all the way
to the Costco to buy us these candies.
And I am so sorry about the Armenian genocide.
Thank you, Tigran.
Listen, I hope you will give me five stars, eh?
You got it!
Five stars, all the way.
Be careful.
Hi, daddy.
You want to come visit me?
Yes, now is the perfect time.
I would love that!