Trailer Park Boys (2001–2018): Season 8, Episode 3 - The Dirty Dancer - full transcript

JULIAN:
CHECK THAT DRINK OUT, BUBS.

BUBBLES:
HA HA! IT'S GOT A DINKY IN IT.

VODKA 'N DINKY.

RICKY:
OH FUCK!

(MUSIC PLAYS FROM CAR RADIO)

(MUSIC SHUTS OFF
CAR ENGINE'S SHUT OFF)

JULIAN:
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

SAM:
EVERYONE STAY COOL,

I'M JUST DROPPING OFF
A LETTER TO BARBIE.

HERE YOU GO, BABE.

WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S ALREADY BEEN OPENED!



YEAH, THAT CAME FOR YOU
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO

AND I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED
TO DROP IT OFF TO YOU,

EXCEPT YOU BECAME
SUCH A CRAZY, FUCKING BITCH!

THIS SAYS THAT I OWE 2,200
IN BACK TAXES

TO BE PAID
BY THE END OF THE WEEK.

I-I GAVE YOU THAT MONEY, SAM.

PROBABLY FUCKING SPENT IT

ON GODDAMN CAVE PAINTING
LOINCLOTHS.

VERY FUNNY, BUBBLES,
BUT GUESS WHAT?

IF BARB DOESN'T PAY
THAT BILL,

I HAVE THE OPTION TO PAY IT,
AND I WILL.

RICKY:
YEAH, YOU ALSO HAVE THE OPTION

TO SUCK ON ALL FOUR
OF OUR COCKS.

BARB:
WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN YOU HAVE THE OPTION?



IF I PAY IT,
I BECOME DOMINANT SHAREHOLDER,

YOU KNOW, THE BIG CHEESE,

THE KIND CAVEMAN
OF THE TRAILER PARK.

(TARZAN CALL AND LAUGHTER)

TARMAN WAS A LORD
THAT LIVED IN A FUCKING FOREST,

NOT A CAVE YOU STUPID,
FUCKING DUMMY.

SAM:
SEE YOU, BABY.
MUAH! (LAUGHS)

BUBBLES:
FUCKING DICKWEED, THAT GUY IS.

JULIAN:
BARB, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS,
I CAN TAKE CARE OF IT.

BARB:
(ANNOYED SIGH)

JULIAN:
BARB, I CAN TAKE CARE OF IT.

(SIGHING)
HOLY FUCK.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

JULIAN:
BUBS, CAN YOU ASK RICKY

TO START MAKING AS MANY
HASH COINS AS HE CAN, PLEASE?

RICKY, CAN YOU START
MAKING AS MANY HASH COINS

AS YOU CAN, PLEASE?

YEAH, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST
TIME MISTER TALKIE-WALKIE

IN MY FUCKING EAR.

YOU DON'T THINK I CAN HEAR YA?
I'M RIGHT BESIDE YA.

THIS IS BULLSHIT, MAN,
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE RETIRED.

IT'S THE V-TEAM, RICKY,

YOU GOTTA STICK WITH
THE PROGRAM. V-TEAM!

RICKY:
FUCKING SICK
OF THE FUCKING V-TEAM.

WHAT DO YOU NEED
ALL THE HASH COINS FOR?

'CAUSE I NEED TO HIRE
SOME NEW EMPLOYEES FOR THE BAR.

WHAT KIND OF EMPLOYEES?

STRIPPERS.

I GOTTA TAKE IT UP
A FEW NOTCHES, MAN.

GREASY.

RANDY:
WOW, THAT'S REALLY COOL.

I ALWAYS WANTED
TO GET A TATTOO,

BUT I WAS ALWAYS TOO CHICKEN.

NICE PLACEMENT, DON.

DONALD:
OH THANKS, RANDY.

YES, THE CONCENTRIC CIRCLES
OF THE MIND

DESCENDING IN UPON THEMSELVES.

THE DESIGN CAME TO ME
ONE NIGHT

AFTER MAKING SWEET LOVE
TO TWO PUNTAS

IN FRANCE,
HIGH ON MUSHROOMS.

GEEZ, I REALLY WISH I HAD
SOMETHING MEANINGFUL

I COULD TATTOO ON ME.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)

RANDY:
OH, WHAT THE FRIG IS THIS?

SAM:
FUCK YOU!

RANDY:
WHAT A FRIGGIN' WASTE
OF A SEVEN DOLLAR CHICKEN.

JULIAN:
ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LISTEN UP.

I WANT TO TURN MY BAR
INTO A HIGH-END STRIP CLUB,

I WANT IT OPEN TONIGHT,

SO WE'VE GOT A LOT
OF FUCKING WORK TO DO.

SARAH, YOU'RE GONNA BE IN CHARGE
OF THE NEW DESIGN OF THE PLACE.

SARAH:
OKAY.

SO WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN'?

UH... ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT?

A ROOFTOP VIP LOUNGE
WOULDN'T BE THAT HARD TO DO.

WE CAN DO THAT UP THERE?

YEAH. I JUST NEED SOME PLYWOOD
AND SOME PAINT, MAYBE.

ALL RIGHT, PERFECT. MAKE UP
A LIST AND GIVE IT TO BUBS.

BUBS, GET THE LIST OVER TO
RICKY, COREY, AND JACOB, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

I WANT YOU TO BE IN CHARGE
OF A NEW NAME AND A NEW SIGN.

SO USE YOUR IMAGINATION,
COME UP WITH SOMETHING COOL.

JULIAN, I DON'T REALLY
HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

I GOT SHED-N-BREAKFAST
SHIT TO DO.

BUBS, YOU'RE A LEADER.
THE V-TEAM, REMEMBER?

YOU GOT TO SUCK SHIT
LIKE THIS UP, MAN.

BUBBLES:
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL MAKE THE FUCKING SIGN.

I'LL COME UP WITH THE NAME.

J-ROC, I WANT YOU TO HIRE
SOME STRIPPERS.

J-ROC:
AW, B, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
SAYIN',

WE LIKE TO HELP
BUT WE CAN'T HELP IN THAT WAY,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
WE AIN'T NO PEELER DEALERS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT AIN'T OUR BRAND, DOG.

YOU WON'T SEE FI'TY, OR JAY-Z
OR ANY OF THEM MA'FUCKERS

DEALING STRIPPERS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'.

THAT'S KIND OF FIVE YEARS AGO
FOR US.

SARAH:
JULIAN, I CAN GET YOU SOME
GIRLS, IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

THANK YOU, SARAH.

SO WHAT THE FUCK YOU GONNA DO
TO HELP ME OUT?

THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE
MY PARTNER?

I DO.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?

J-ROC:
WHEN I RETIRED, T WAS LIKE,
"MAN, DON'T RETIRE,"

AND I WAS LIKE,
"I HAVE TO RETIRE,

IT'S TIME TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "MAN,
YOU CAN'T DROP THE MIC."

AND I WAS LIKE,
"MIC DROPPED, TOO LATE."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

TELL YOU WHAT I'M THINKING.
WHAT?

J-ROC:
YOU KNOW I'M
(MIMICS RECORD SCRATCH)

I'M BACK DOG.

I'M GONNA COME OUT OF
RETIREMENT AND PERFORM ON STAGE

AT THIS BAR, YET TO BE NAMED,
TONIGHT.

(MIMICS A RECORD REWINDING)
PEACE!

BUT I ALWAYS SAID,
THERE WAS ONLY THREE REASONS

I WOULD COME BACK IN THE RAP
GAME, YOU REMEMBER THAT?

I REMEMBER THEM.

T AND J-ROC:
REASON NUMBER ONE:

FUCKIN' MC
AT MY GRANDMA'S FUNERAL,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN',
BUT SHE DIDN'T WANT NO MUSIC,

SAID THAT BEFORE SHE DIED.

NUMBER TWO.

NUMBER TWO, IF I COULD RAP
PRESIDENT OBAMA'S INAUGURATION,

YOU KNOW I'M SAYIN'.

THEY HAD DIANA ROSS,
OR SOME SHIT.

NUMBER THREE.

ONE OF MY BOYS NEEDS ME
TO HAVE THEIR BACK.

THAT'S THE CASE
WE FIND OURSELVES IN RIGHT NOW,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
YEAH.

IT AIN'T ONE OF THE ROC PILE,
BUT IT'S JUST AS CLOSE.

JULIAN WANTS ME,
IMMA BE THERE FOR HIM.

JULIAN: ARE YOU SERIOUS, MAN?
J-ROC: PERFORM ON STAGE, BOY.

J-ROC:
YOU'RE MY BOY
FROM BACK IN THE DAY.

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS
DO FOR EACH OTHER

WHEN THEY ABOUT TO BE PARTNERS.

JULIAN:
ALL RIGHT LISTEN TO ME, MAN,

YOU FILL THIS PLACE
EVERY NIGHT WITH CUSTOMERS,

THEN WE'RE GONNA
BE TALKING PARTNERSHIP.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT,
DAWG.

OKAY, BOYS,
LET'S GET TO WORK.

J-ROC:
GET OUTTA HERE, DAWG,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT US.

WE BACK. UHN!
WE IN EFFECT.

J-ROC: WHAT!
T: WHAT.

J-ROC:
WE BACK. OH.
WE BACK.

AHN!

AH MAN, YOU LOSE, DAWG.
A'IGHT, YOU OUT, NEXT ROUND.

IT'S OUR CHANCE TO GET BACK ON
STAGE,YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

MAN:
CAW, CAW.

HELP MY FUCK, YOU DID NOT BRING
THAT EAGLE FLAG, BITCH.

MAN:
CAW!

I KNOW YOU WANT TO LEAVE THAT
IN THE CAR NEXT TIME, DAWG.

SET IT THE FUCK DOWN,
WE NOT MA'FUCKCAWS,

WE MA'FUCKERS.

I'M SO FRIGGIN' THIRSTY.

HEY, RANDY.

I WAS THINKING
THAT MAYBE YOU AND I

COULD GO ON A LITTLE
DATE-Y POO CE SOIR.

I WAS THINKING MAYBE
I'D LAY OFF THE LIQUOR

AND AH, GET A LITTLE NITROUS
BACK IN THE OLD PIPELINE.

YOU'RE SERIOUS?

YEAH.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN,
MR. LAHEY.

(BOTTLES CLANK)

MR. LAHEY, YOU DRANK
ALL THE FRIGGIN' LEMONADE.

I MADE THAT SPECIFICALLY
FOR DON AND I,

IT'S OUR FAVOURITE DRINK.

OH, YOU AND DONNY HAVE
A FAVOURITE DRINK NOW, DO YOU?

WHAT'S NEXT,
YOU GONNA SHACK UP WITH HIM?

NO, I'M NOT GONNA SHACK UP
WITH HIM,

WE BOTH JUST LIKE LEMONADE.

IT'S VERY REFRESHING
ON A HOT DAY.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE
YOU WOULDN'T GET SO HOT

IF YOU WEREN'T LOOKING
AT HIS ASS CRACK SO MUCH.

I DON'T LOOK
AT HIS ASS CRACK.

OH, YEAH. WELL,
I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOU

ALL MORNING, RANDY.

JUST GLANCED AT IT,
I WASN'T STARING.

I WAS LOOKING AT HIS TATTOO.

LAHEY: (MOCKING)
I WAS LOOKING AT HIS TATTOO.

LIAR!

YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT NEEDS.

IT'S GETTING
PRETTY FRIGGIN' BORING

LOOKING AFTER THOSE NEEDS
ALL BY MYSELF

FOR THE PAST 11 WEEKS,
10 DAYS, AND 18 MINUTES.

RANDY.

RANDY!

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN
AND SLAMS SHUT)

RANDY.

SARAH:
OKAY, SO UP ON THE ROOF,
THE VIP SECTION HAS AN UMBRELLA,

AND SOME KIND
OF SEXY LIGHTING AND...

HEY, GUYS. BARB ASKED ME TO
BRING OVER THESE TOLE PAINTINGS?

SHE'S DONATING THEM
SO WE CAN SELL THEM HERE

AND PUT THE MONEY TOWARDS
THE CAUSE.

NICE, NICE.

OKAY, SOMEONE WILL BUY
THOSE FUCKING THINGS.

HANG THEM UP, I GUESS.

WOW. HEY GIRLS.

SARAH:
HELLO.

AH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE CAMERA,

IT'S NOTHING, ALL RIGHT.

SARAH:
YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.
THANKS FOR COMING.

UM, WE SHOULD PROBABLY SEE LIKE
SOME MOVES, OR WHAT YOU GOT.

YOU WANNA DO, LIKE, A LITTLE
AUDITION, OR SOMETHING?

YEAH, DEFINITELY,
DEFINITELY.

SARAH:
OKAY, YOU CAN START.

SARAH:
IT'S A BIT AWKWARD.

MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE
SOME MUSIC OR SOMETHING.

JULIAN:
NO, IT'S OKAY, LET'S JUST SEE
A BUNCH OF MOVES HERE.

SARAH:
YEAH, EVERYBODY DANCE.

ACTUALLY CAN YOU SHOW
THAT, LIKE, BOOTY THING.

JULIAN:
WHOA!

SARAH:
THAT ASS IS GONNA MAKE US
SOME MONEY.

NICE, NICE WORK, SARAH.

SARAH:
THANKS.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)
BUBBLES JUST INFORMED ME

THAT I HAVE TO GO WITH
THE TOENAIL FUCK TWINS NOW

AND STEAL STRIP CLUB SUPPLIES.

WHAT THE FUCK?

THIS WHOLE V-TEAM THING
THAT BUBBLES SET UP

IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE
THAT A-TEAM TV SHOW,

IS A CROP OF SHIT.

JULIAN, I MEAN, HE'S SUPPOSED
TO BE THAT MUSCULAR

MISTER LETTER GUY
WITH THE MOHAWK,

AND INSTEAD HE'S ACTING
LIKE THAT BOSSY,

CIGAR-SMOKING HANNIBAL LECHNER
THAT EATS PEOPLE.

AND WHAT THE FUCK
AM I DOING RIGHT NOW

MAKING HASH COINS
FOR HIS BUSINESS

WHEN I SHOULD BE MAKING
HONEY OIL FOR MY BUSINESS?

I'VE GOTTA HAVE THIS THING FULL
WHEN SEBASTIAN BACH GETS HERE.

HEY, HONEY,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OH, I JUST HAVE TO GO
TALK TO JULIAN.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

HANNIBAL LECHNER EVEN
GETS TO SPEND MORE FUCKING TIME

WITH MY FAMILY THAN I DO NOW,
BRAIN-EATING COCKSUCKER.

(SLAMS TABLE)

SORRY, ORANGEY.
YOU OKAY?

HERE, HAVE A LITTLE PIECE
OF HASH.

JULIAN:
YOU LADIES LOOK FANTASTIC.

I'M HONOURED
TO BE WORKING WITH YA.

AS LONG AS WE PUT A 100 PERCENT
INTO THIS BAR

AND IT STARTS MAKING MONEY,
THEN WE ALL MAKE MONEY.

UNTIL THEN, THANKING YOU
FOR WORKING FOR LIQUOR.

HASH, AND TIPS.
DO YOU GUYS GOT ANY QUESTIONS?

ALL RIGHT, GUESS I'LL SEE
YOU GUYS TONIGHT.

LET'S HAVE A GOOD FUCKING TIME,
EVERYONE!

STRIPPERS: WOO!
(CLAPPING)

SARAH: CHEERS!
JULIAN: NICE WORK, NICE WORK.

SARAH:
THANK YOU. WE NEED TO TALK
ABOUT PRICE SCALE

AND EXTRAS, ALL RIGHT.

JULIAN:
HEY, TRIN.

HEY, YOU LOOK REALLY BUSY,

DID YOU WANT ME
TO COME BACK LATER?

NO-NO-NO-NO, I ALWAYS
HAVE TIME FOR YOU, SWEETIE.

WANT A DRINK?

I CAN'T. THAT'S WHAT I NEED
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

UH OH.
DOES YOUR MOM KNOW?

YEAH, SHE TOLD ME TO TALK
TO YOU BEFORE I TALK TO DAD.

SHE THINKS
HE'S GONNA KILL HIM.

IS IT WHO I THINK IT IS?

DO YOU LOVE HIM?

(INHALES AND EXHALES HEAVILY)

ARE YOU MAD AT ME?

OF COURSE NOT.

BUT YOU'VE GOTTA
TELL YOUR DAD RIGHT AWAY

BEFORE HE FINDS OUT
FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.

THAT WON'T BE GOOD
FOR ANYBODY.

(SIGHS)

I'M GOING TO BE A GREAT UNCLE.
THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING!

HEY, HEY, HEY, EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE COOL.

OKAY? I PROMISE.

ALL RIGHT?
LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.

ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S BETTER, HONEY.

(OBJECTS CRASH AND CLATTER)

CORY:
WHAT THE HELL?

RICKY:
IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME, BOYS.

NICE FUCKING WORK
WITH THE TOOLS, COREY.

CORY: THANKS.
JACOB: I GOT THE HARD HATS.

RICKY:
OH, I'M REALLY IMPRESSED,

YOU LANKETY SMOKESTACKED
COCKSPLINTER.

GET THE FUCK IN THE CAR.
TOOLS IN THE BACK SEAT,

JACOB, YOU GET IN THE TRUNK.
NO SMOKING IN THERE.

JULIAN:
CHANGE OF PLANS, RICKY.

I'M TAKING JACOB AND FUCKNUTS
HERE TO GET THE SUPPLIES.

YOU TAKE THE REST OF
THE AFTERNOON OFF
WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.

YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE
OF THE V-TEAM, BUBBLES IS.

WHY YOU BEING A DICK?

SHE NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SOMETHING.

I'M TRYING TO HELP OUT HERE.

I'M NOT BEING A DICK,
AND TRINITY CAN MAKE UP
HER OWN BRAIN.

YOU WANNA SPEND THE REST OF
THE AFTERNOON WITH THE OLD MAN?

SURE, CAN I DRIVE?

RICKY:
SURE. THIS IS GONNA BE
AWESOME, SWEETHEART.

CORY, GET THE FUCK OUT.

AND YOU TOO, JACOB,
YOU PRAYING ATLANTIS

BUGGY LOOKING FUCKTWAT.

GET THE FUCK GOING.

JULIAN:
LET'S GO, BOYS.

CORY:
YOU WANT THE TOOLS?

CAN I GET THE TOOLS?

(CAR ENGINE RUMBLES)

RICKY:
WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT,
JACOB?

YOU LOOKING AT THIS?

THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD
BE LOOKING AT.

CORY:
SHOTGUN!

(CAR REVS, TIRES SQUEAL)

JULIAN:
LET'S GO, JACOB!

HOLY, MR. LAHEY,
OPEN UP SOME FRIGGING WINDOWS.

(GRUNT OF EFFORT)

BACK ON THE SMOKES AGAIN,
ARE YA?

HOW LONG ARE YOU JUST
GONNA STARE AT THAT?

'TIL I FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE,
ANYWAY?

I HAD A LONG TALK WITH DON.

HM. I JUST FIGURED OUT
WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH IT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RANDY.

DON SAID THAT
YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM DOWN THERE

IS NOT JUST
YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM,

BUT IT'S OUR LITTLE PROBLEM
TOGETHER.

OFFER STILL OPEN
TO GET A GUY DRUNK TONIGHT?

(GULPS ALCOHOL LOUDLY)

ABSOLUTELY, RAN.

WELCOME BACK, RANDY.

(HOOVES CLOMP)

(HORSE WHINNIES)

YOU GUYS ARE CLEAR
ON WHAT YOU NEED TO GET?

YEAH.
ALL RIGHT,
PUT ON YOUR HARD HATS.

AS LONG AS YOU
HAVE THOSE ON,

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER
THE FUCK YOU WANT IN THERE

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID.

IN YOUR BAG,
THERE'S ONE OF THESE.

IT'S FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY.
GOT IT?

YEAH, MAN.
COPY.

NICE ONE.

OKAY, TRY TO AVOID
TALKING TO PEOPLE.

LET'S GO.
ALL RIGHT,
WE GOT THIS, JULIAN.

JULIAN:
NICE.

COREY: (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE)
HI, JULIAN, THIS IS JACOB.
I LOVE YOU.

COREY, HAND THE FUCKING WALKIE
OVER TO JACOB,

HE'S IN CHARGE,
YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

STOP FUCKING AROUND.

JACOB: (OVER WALKIE-TALKIE)
SORRY, JULIAN.

(ENGINE WHIRS)

I DON'T THINK
THIS IS A GOOD IDEA, TRIN.

OH, COME ON, GEORGE ISN'T HOME.
DON'T BE A PUSSY.

LUCY:
HEY, TRIN.

TRINITY:
HEY.

HI, RICK.

JACOB: (WHIRRING)
JULIAN WANTS SOMETHING LONG
AND ROUND, THIS IS SQUARE.

CORY: WHAT?
JACOB: THIS IS SQUARE?

NAH, CAN'T DO IT,
I'M ALLERGIC TO PIE CRUST.

(TOOLS BUZZ AND WHIR LOUDLY)

(BREATHES DEEPLY, THOUGHTFUL)

HOW MUCH LONGER?

JACOB:
UH, YEAH, 10-4, JULIAN.

UM, WE'RE ALMOST THROUGH
THE LAST PIPE.

AH, FIVE MINUTES TOPS?

YOU'VE GOT TWO.
HURRY THE FUCK UP.

JACOB:
OKAY, COPY.

(TRUCK ENGINE RUMBLES)

JULIAN:
BOYS, WE JUST HIT THE JACKPOT.

GET THE FUCK OUT HERE
RIGHT NOW.

RICKY:
IT'S NOT BAD.

LOTS OF FANCY SPACE AND ROOMS.

LUCY:
YEAH, IT'S OKAY.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

THANKS.
SO WHAT'S GOING ON?

OKAY, SO, OUR LITTLE GIRL
HAS BEEN DATING SOMEBODY

OVER THE LAST COUPLE
OF MONTHS AND-

REALLY. A GUY?

A GUY.

AND SHE'S REALLY IN LOVE
WITH HIM,

AND HAS SOMETHING
SHE WANTS TO TELL YOU,

BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE
NOT TO GET UPSET.

UPSET?

TRINITY:
DAD...

I'M PREGNANT.

WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HOW?

TRINITY:
JACOB, HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.

YOU'RE GONNA BE A GRANDFATHER.

LUCY:
ARE YOU OKAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

I FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN'S
SHORT CIRCULATING.

I THINK I GOTTA GO.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I GOTTA GO.

OKAY.

THAT ACTUALLY WENT BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT.

HE SAID HE LOVES US.

(TIRES SCREECH OUTSIDE)

(HUM OF CHATTER)

SARAH:
HEY, EVERYBODY,
THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

THE BAR'S GONNA OPEN
IN A MINUTE HERE.

LET ME TELL YOU,
THE DRINKS ARE SUPER COLD,

AND THE LADIES ARE SMOKIN' HOT.
SO GET OUT YOUR MONEY.

HOW'S THE POLE COMING, JACOB?

JACOB:
IT'S SECURE,
BUT IT'S STILL A BIT WOBBLY.

JULIAN:
ALL RIGHT, FUCK IT,
WE'LL FIX IT TOMORROW.

OKAY, JULIAN, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
YOU'RE GONNA FUCKIN' LOVE THIS.

JULIAN: ALL RIGHT.
J-ROC: YOU READY, MAN?

JULIAN: I'M READY.
J-ROC: JAM YA LOOKBALLS ON DIS!

ARE THEY OPEN?
JUST DO IT, BUBS.

(BAR PATRONS CHEER EXCITEDLY)

J-ROC:
GIANT.

MAN:
IT'S PATRICK FUCKIN' SWAYZE'S
BAR!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

NEVER MIND THAT MA'FUCKER
ACROSS THE STREET, DOG.

WE TESTED IT,
WENT THROUGH THE RIZ-OOF.

IT'S GOING TO BE TIGHT.
PEOPLE LOVE THE NAME.

BEST STRIP CLUB NAMES EVER,
JULIAN.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GOTTA
GET SET UP, MAN, COME ON.

RICKY:
FUCK YOU, JACOB COLLINS!

YOU STAY RIGHT THERE!

BUBBLES:
RICKY.

JACOB, YOU GET THE FUCK
DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW.

BUBBLES:
CALM DOWN.

RICKY:
YEAH, DON'T RUN AWAY
LIKE A SCARED LITTLE BOY,

COME AND TALK TO ME LIKE A MAN.
FUCKING IDIOT.

BUBBLES:
RICKY, LOOK, I HEARD THE NEWS,
JUST CALM DOWN.

LET'S GO TALK ABOUT THIS.

DON'T GET MY BELLY
RIGHT NOW, BUBBLES.

I NEED TO GET BAKED
OUT OF MY MIND

AND SEE IF MY BRAIN
CAN FIGURE OUT

WHAT IT'S TRYING TO TELL ME.
IT'S ALL FUCKING SWIRLY

AND FUCKING, JESUS!

BUBBLES:
RICKY, COME ON.

NOT RIGHT NOW!

WHO'S GOT YOUR BELLY?

(RAP MUSIC PLAYS,
RICKY SIGHS HEAVILY)

YES, YES, YO, WHAT'S POPPIN'?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

WELCOME TO THE GRAND OPENING
OF THE DIRTY DANCERS,

BROUGHT TO YOU IN PART
BY ROC VODKA,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
IT'S J-ROC AND THE ROC PILE UP
IN THIS MA'FUCKER.

I'M GONNA BLOW THE ROOF UP
OFF THIS MAC.

BUT FIRST, MAKE SOME NOISE
FOR THE LOVELY ASS LOLITA.

COME ON UP, TIGHTY.
SHE'S GONNA DANCE.

YEAH, FIRST DIRTY DANCER
OF THE NIGHT.

COME ON UP, SHORTY.

SHE DROPPED BY WITH
A COUPLE THINGS TO SHOW YA.

T:
COME ON Y'ALL,
MAKE SOME NOISE!

GIVE IT UP!

AND I'M LIKE, GIVE ME
SOME OF THAT FRIED CHICKEN,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

SPECIAL DIRTY DANCERS
ARE AVAILABLE FOR THE GENTLEMEN

WITH DISCERNING TASTE

AND THE RIGHT POCKET BOOK,
YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

COME ON, RICKY,
ARE YOU GONNA TALK TO ME?

J-ROC:
MAKE SOME NOISE
FOR THE LOVELY LOLITA.

(BAR PATRONS WHOOP AND CHEER)

BUBBLES:
OH FUCK, I'M SORRY, RICKY,
I GOTTA GET IN THERE.

LOLITA'S GONNA
TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF,

SHE'S GOT GREAT BIG,
DIRTY MILKERS.

CAN YOU GET THE FUCKING CAMERA
AWAY FROM ME, PLEASE?

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

I'M FUCKING SERIOUS,
I'LL SHOOT YOU.

GET IT THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.

BUBBLES:
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME!

(EXCITED BREATHS,
HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

OH... BABY!

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

CAN I COME UP, J-ROC?

J-ROC: GO AHEAD, YOU MAN!
BUBBLES: LOLITA!

J-ROC:
JUST NO TOUCHIN' BOI.

BUBBLES:
I LIKE YOUR THINGS THERE.

YOU LOOK AWESOME.

OH.

GRINDING ON THE THING THERE.
(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)

SARAH:
HERE, GIMME YOUR MONEY.
I CAN SELL YOU ROC VODKA

RIGHT HERE IN THE LINE UP.

HEY, JULIAN,
LOOKIN' GOOD, BUDDY.

IS IT EVER.

THIS BAR IS GONNA BE
THE SOLUTION TO ALL
OF OUR PROBLEMS, BOYS.

(CHUCKLES)
LISTEN, AH,

WHAT'S YOUR CHANCES
OF GETTING IN?

IT'S PRETTY RAMMED
IN THERE RIGHT NOW,

BUT THERE'S A ROOFTOP
VIP SECTION THAT'S NOT DONE,

IT'S A GOOD PLACE
TO GET DRUNK THOUGH.

LAHEY: NICE.
JULIAN: HELP YOURSELF TO IT.

JULIAN:
IT'S ON THE HOUSE, BUDDY.

OH, THANKS, JULIAN, I'M FINE.
I'M NOT DRINKING TONIGHT.

BUT RANDY
WANTS TO GET DRUNK.

YEAH, I'LL FUCKIN' DRINK IT.

YEAH.
THANKS.

JULIAN:
HAVE A GOOD TIME, GUYS.

HEY, I KNOW THIS MAY NOT
BE THE BEST TIME,

BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU
KNOW I REALLY DO LOVE TRINITY.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU DO.

IS RICKY GONNA KILL ME?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I'D STAY CLEAR OF HIM

UNTIL I TALK TO HIM.
OKAY?

THANKS, JULES.

OKAY, OKAY,
GET BACK TO WORK.

JACOB:
ALL RIGHT.

J-ROC: (RAPPING)
♪ T TO THE I TO THE DOUBLE T,
I TO THE E TO THE S, ♪

J-ROC: ♪ THAT'S TITTIES. ♪
DJ: ♪ TITTIES! ♪

J-ROC:
♪ I'VE SEEN 'EM IN SMALL TOWN,
VILLAGES, AND MAJOR CITIES. ♪

J-ROC: ♪ CITIES! ♪
DJ: ♪ TITTIES! ♪

J-ROC: ♪ TITTIES! ♪
DJ: ♪ TITTIES! ♪

J-ROC:
♪ I LIKE THE ONES ON THE GIRL
THAT WORKED DOWN AT SMITTY'S ♪

DJ: ♪ SMITTY'S! ♪
J-ROC: ♪ TITTIES. ♪
DJ: ♪ TITTIES! ♪

♪ SOME PEOPLE CALL 'EM
SWEATER PUPPIES, MAN, ♪

♪ BUT I CALL 'EM KITTIES. ♪

DJ: ♪ KITTIES! ♪
J-ROC: ♪ TITTIES! ♪
DJ: ♪ TITTIES! ♪

♪ T TO THE I TO THE... ♪

♪ I SAID,
T TO THE I TO THE... ♪

♪ I SAID,
T TO THE I TO THE... ♪

LAHEY:
OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.

AND YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL MAN,
RANDY.

BULLSHIT, YOU DON'T EVEN
FIND ME ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE.

AND THAT LITTLE THING,
THAT'S MY LIE DETECTOR TEST.

LAHEY:
WELL, RANDY, MAYBE YOU'VE BEEN
RIGHT ALL ALONG.

COULD BE THE LIQUOR
THAT'S BEEN LETTING US DOWN.

THAT'S JUST AN EXCUSE,
MR. LAHEY.

YOU JUST FIND ME FAT
AND DISGUSTING.

LAHEY:
RANDY, I HAVE NEVER
FOUND YOU FAT AND DISGUSTING.

TAKE A LITTLE DANCE
ON THAT POLE THERE

AND PROVE IT TO ME.
I'LL SHOW YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
FIGHTING ABOUT?

RANDY:
MR. LAHEY WANTS ME TO DANCE
ON THE POLE

SO HE CAN TRY
TO GET HIS LITTLE POLE GOING,

BUT HE CAN'T.
I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU, JULIAN.

CHECK THIS OUT, MR. LAHEY,

YOU WANT A DANCE ON THE POLE,
DO YOU?

OH, I'LL GIVE IT.
(SINGS)

LAHEY:
RANDY.

(RANDY SINGS)

IS THAT GONNA GET IT UP,
MR. LAHEY?

COME ON, GET IT UP!
AAHHHH!

JULIAN:
FUCK! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

IS EVERYBODY OKAY?

J-ROC:
IT'S RAINING MA'FUCKERS!

JULIAN:
HOLY FUCK!

BUBBLES:
JESUS MURPHY,
SOMEBODY COVER HIS PACKAGE.

LAHEY:
(DAZED GROAN)

OFFICER:
WELL, WELL, WELL, THIS IS QUITE
A SET UP YOU GOT HERE

FOR JUST A HOUSE PARTY,
SWAYZE.

LET ME HANDLE THIS, PARTNER.

MY GOOD MAN,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN',

YOU PROBABLY RECOGNIZE ME AS AN
INTERNATIONAL RECORDING ARTIST.

OH I RECOGNIZE YOU,
LITTLE JAMIE,

GRADE 10 EDUCATION.
HM?

NO REPORTED INCOME
FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS,

AND THE ONLY CLAIM TO FAME
YOU'VE GOT,

AS FAR AS I COULD FIND,
WAS FINISHING SECOND PLACE

IN THE INTERNATIONAL ROPE
SKIPPING CHAMPIONSHIP

IN BOULDER, COLORADO,
IN 1984.

QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.

WHAT WAS YOUR SPECIALITY?
DOUBLE DUTCH?

T: FUCK THIS GUY.
J: T, I CAN HANDLE THIS, DAWG.

J-ROC: YOU DON KNOTTS LOOKIN'
BITCH!
T: J-ROC!

FUCK, I KNOW YOU AIN'T
DISRESPECTING ME DAWG.

THAT SKIPPING SHIT CUT ME DEEP,
DAWG.

OFFICER:
SUCK ON THIS, BLONDIE!

J-ROC:
OH MY FUCK, MY EYES, MAN!

OFFICER: GET HIM OUT OF HERE.
J-ROC: HIGH-PANTED BITCH!

OFFICER:
I AM GONNA BE WATCHING YOU.

IS THAT RIGHT?
OH YEAH.

I'M GONNA PROVE YOU WRONG,
BIG GUY,

BECAUSE I CAN PLAY THIS GAME
A LOT BETTER THAN YOU.

REALLY?
YEAH, REALLY.

YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?

NO, I WAS JUST ADMIRING
YOUR PANTS, OFFICER.

RIGHT.

T, YOU CAN DO IT, DAWG,

JUST DON'T LET ROC PILE
HIT ROCK BOTTOM, YOU MAN.

T:
MAN, I GOT YOU, DAWG.

(MIMICS RECORD SCRATCH)

ROC PILE MEMBER:
DON'T WORRY, YOU HEARD US,
FUCK, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.

(POLICE SIREN BUZZES AND WAILS)

T:
ROC PILE, LET'S GO!
SHOW SOME RESPECT!

ROC PILE:
ROC PILE ALL DAY, HOLLA!
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS!

LAHEY:
RANDY, COME WITH ME,
I THINK I BROKE MY BACK, BUD.

RANDY:
I'M NOT COMING WITH YOU.

I'M CHOOSING THE LIQUOR
FOR A CHANGE.

LAHEY:
RANDY, I LOVE YOU, BUD.

RANDY:
WHATEVER.

(GLASS SHATTERS,
CAT MEOWS AND SCREECHES)

BARB:
OH MY GOD.

WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE?

RANDY AND LAHEY
WENT THROUGH THE ROOF.

WHAT?

ALL IN ALL, WE HAD A PRETTY
GOOD NIGHT, BUT WE'RE SHORT.

OH.

RANDY, YOU FUCKED UP
MY CEILING,

YOU OWE ME 300 BUCKS.

RANDY:
I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH.

HERE.

RANDY: I HAVE 40 BUCKS, JULIAN.
JULIAN: 40 DOLLARS, BULL FUCKIN'
SHIT.

RANDY: THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT.
BARB: BOYS!

DONNA:
OH GENTLEMEN,
I HAVE SOME MONEY, RANDY, HERE.

NO, DONNA,
PUT YOUR MONEY AWAY.

A MAN'S GOT TO BE RESPONSIBLE
TO PAY HIS OWN DEBTS.

WELL, HOW ABOUT IF I BUY THOSE
BEAUTIFUL CRAFTS FOR SALE?

BARB:
OH, OH THAT IS SO KIND OF YOU,
DONNA.

THOSE ARE MINE ACTUALLY,
BUT I DIDN'T DO THEM LIKE THAT.

WHO VANDALIZED THESE, JULIAN?
WELCOME SLUTS?

JULIAN:
CORY.

DONNA:
OH, (LAUGHS)

IT'S HILARIOUS, I LOVE IT!
I'LL PUT IT IN MY KITCHEN.

OH.

HOW'S FOUR HUNDRED SOUND,
FOR THE LOT?

OH MY GOD,
IT'S SOUNDS AMAZING.

SOLD.

(STAMMERS, FLABBERGASTED)

I FEEL AWFUL TAKING THAT
FOR THOSE.

I DON'T. FUCK.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED,
PARTNER.

(EXHALES, RELIEVED)
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

WANT A DRINK?

WHY NOT?

FIVE BUCKS.
I'M SHITTIN' YA.

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS
CRUNCH OVER GROUND)

BUBBLES:
HEY, RICKY.
HOW YA DOIN,' BUD?

RICKY:
I'M NOT DOING TOO FUCKIN' GOOD,
BOYS.

JULIAN:
JUST SO YOU KNOW, RICK,

JACOB'S GONNA MAKE SURE
EVERYTHING'S COOL, MAN.

HE LOVES HER,
HE TOLD ME SO TONIGHT.

RICKY:
I KNOW. FUCK.

I MEAN, OTHER THAN THE FACT
THAT HE'S DUMB,

HE'S A PRETTY GOOD FUCKIN' GUY,
I GUESS.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M WORRIED
ABOUT.

BUBBLES:
WHAT IS IT, THEN, RICKY?

RICKY:
OLD RICKY'S FUCKIN' STUPID,

AND JACOB'S EVEN MORE
FUCKING DUMBER.

I'M JUST WORRIED
THAT MY FUCKING GRANDCHILD

IS GONNA BE REALLY, REALLY
FUCKING DUMB AND STUPID.

RICKY THAT'S NOT TRUE,
AND YOU'RE NOT DUMB, BUD.

DUMB IS NOT THE RIGHT WORD
AT ALL.

IT'S MORE...

JULIAN:
IT'S OKAY, MAN.
COME ON, I GOT YA.

JULIAN: GET UP, BUD.
BUBBLES: GET UP, RICKY.

BUBBLES:
GET YOUR...
GET YOUR LEGS UNDER YA.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE
A FUCKIN' GRANDDAD.

YES YOU DO, RICKY,
COME ON.

THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU JUST GOTTA THINK

OF HOW YOUR DAD
WAS WITH TRINITY.

YOU KNOW, REMEMBER ALL
THE STUFF HE USED TO TEACH HER,

IT'S JUST LIFE LESSONS
KIND OF STUFF.

YEAH, HE DID TEACH HER
A LOT OF STUFF -

HOW TO ROLL A CIGARETTE
WITH ONE HAND;

HOW TO IRON A SHIRT WITH
A FLAT ROCK AND A BARBECUE,

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

WELL, I DON'T MEAN
MAYBE THOSE SPECIFIC THINGS,

I JUST MEAN RICKY THERE'S
GONNA BE TIMES WHEN,

YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE JUST GONNA KNOW

THAT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU NEED
TO PASS ON TO YOUR GRANDCHILD.

I GUESS SO.

WILL YOU GUYS HELP ME
IF I FUCK UP?

JULIAN:
WRONG END, BUD.

RICKY:
OH FUCK!

OF COURSE WE'LL HELP YOU,
RICKY.

WE'RE YOUR FAMILY.

YOU KNOW,
WE'LL ALL DO THIS TOGETHER.

WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BACK,
BUD.

JULIAN:
JESUS!

WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH HIM?

BUBBLES:
JUST... LET'S JUST LET HIM
GO TO SLEEP.

RICKY, GET SOME SLEEP, BUD,
WE'VE GOT A BIG DAY TOMORROW.

YOU GOTTA HELP ME
IN THE MORNING.

I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.

JULIAN:
I LOVE YOU, BUD.

(SNORING)

HEY, ORANGEY, YOU WANNA DO
SOME FUCKIN' SHOOTERS

AND SMOKE SOME HASH, BUDDY?

THIS FUCKIN' BOTTLE'S ALL DONE.