Traffic Light (2011): Season 1, Episode 2 - En Fuego - full transcript

Long.

- Mike.
-What? It was long. It was this much.

Why play the game if you're not
going to follow the rules?

Exactly.

Foot fault.
Sweet. Game, set, burn.

Mike.

Okay, well, we'll
get you next time.

Thanks, guys.

See you next week.

I hope you're not like
this during the tournament,

because I work with these people
and it's for charity.



Charity ends at
the base line, babe.

Besides, I'm already
throwing a barbecue for them,

you know, for the
kids or whatever?

Hey, isn't that Alexa?
Remember Ethan's ex.

God, we haven't seen her
in, like, three years.

Oh, don't look,
don't look.

Put your head down.

Why are you waving?
Now she's gonna come over here.

Come on, you know the drill.

Right-- "We're not friends

with with our friends' exes,
Lise. Burn notice."

It's a real thing.
I know.

Do not engage,
because if you do,

then they're going
to come back around...



Right right...
Hey, you!

Hey! Hi!

You look great, Alexa.
I haven't seen you in years.

I know.

I didn't know you guys
like to play tennis.

Oh, yeah, all the time.
Yeah.

We're big fans.
Especially of the rules.

Mm-hmm.
We should play.

Totally. Call me sometime.

Sure. Okay.
Okay.

So long.

Hey, good luck today.
Good seeing you.

"Call me sometime"?

That was good. I like that.

That was very friendly,
but yet vague.

Well played, Lisa Reilly.

Unlike your net game.

Oh!
Oh!

Advantage Lisa.

I still can't believe
you're doing this to us.

What am I supposed
to do with all my stuff?

Oh, please. I already told you--

Lisa and I are getting rid
of our storage unit

so your crap is your problem.

What's with the belt?

What do you mean?
I'm an athlete.

I'm not taking any chances.

I've got to protect
my lumbar.

Yeah, well you're not
lifting anything either.

So, uh, I think your season's
going to be safe.

Whoa!

What are you doing?

Man, it's all
my memories!

That's kind of funny.

I think you could have just as
easily said "all my garbage."

Hold on, I know that squeak.

No, really?

Tell me you found that in a box.
Oh...

You did not bring that
in here with you.

I forgot I had him.
What?

You won the stuffed dog
for Callie.

You haven't retired that move?

It's a great move.

Man, you've been running
that play since college.

It's 'cause it's a classic.

It's my pick and roll.

That's your pick and roll?

Winning a stuffed animal
for a girl on the pier?

That's not an adult move.
Callie loved it.

I highly doubt that.

I'm gonna quote her--

"The sweetest thing anyone
has ever done for me,

you adorable giant,"
is what she... So suck it.

I refuse to suck it.

Besides, what is it doing
in your pocket?

Yeah...

See? That's hilarious.

'Cause, you know, it's you,
but it's the dog.

Right. Right, I get it.

I am so glad

that we're taking
this series of pictures.

You know what you should do?
What?

You should take CJ
to work with you,

put him at your desk
and see if Kev notices.

That, uh...

That will insulate me
from ridicule.

Do it.

Yeah?
Do it.

Okay.
Do it.

Wow, you really
are an embarrassment.

Yeah. He must be punished.

What?
Yeah.

Spider hole!
Spider hole!

Not the spider hole.
We're not in college anymore.

You're right. We're adults now.
We are no longer in college.

We have cell phones, and they

come with these really cool
strobe light functions. Yes.

Yeah.
No, no...

Don't do that.
I can't see anything.

Ow.

That was really funny, guys.

Traffic Light 1x02
En Fuego
Original Air Date on February 15, 2011

I can't believe
that you lost CJ.

No, it's not my fault.

He was in my pocket,

and then I guess I must
have dropped him

when the guys
spider holed me.

What?

Yeah, spid...

It's this thing where we
lock each other into...

It's going to sound dumb
if I try to explain it.

So I just... Listen, I'm going

to get him back for you
tomorrow, I promise.

What if you can't find him?

This is an omen.

Here we go.

Okay, you laugh,

but on my mother's wedding day

she saw a bird eating
another bird's carcass

and that is why her first
marriage ended in divorce.

Didn't she get a divorce
'cause she had an affair?

Yeah. Because of the birds.

Look, think
of it this way--

CJ has spent
every night in our bed

since we moved in together.

Yeah. So has your retainer.

Okay, I get it.
I know I'm being silly,

but, you know, you won
that little guy for me.

It know it's cheesy,
but it was very...

It's not cheesy.

It is not cheesy.

It's classy.

Original, also.

It got what?
Incinerated. It burned.

En fuego'd. That's what
they did with all the junk

that we left behind
in the storage unit.

They put it
in their incinerator

along with your stupid dog.

This is really bad.
Come on.

So Callie is going to be upset for,
like, a couple of days. No, no, no.

It's not that
big of a deal.

You don't understand.
I mean, this is way bigger

than a four-inch dog
we're talking about here.

She is weirdly superstitious
about this stuff.

Superstition
is for the weak.

Aw, says the man who makes
an offering every Sunday

to Green Bay Packers Jesus.

Hey, that's different.

How is that different?

Um, because it works.

Look, the bottom line here

is I need to get a new CJ
real fast.

I'm gonna need your help.

Wait, wait, CJ?

Your dog's name
is CJ?

It's Callie Jr.,
except it's a boy.

That's-That's like your fourth
or fifth time you've used that.

Well, yeah, that's my...
Listen, I don't want to hear this from you.

I'm not the only one who has
a cheesy go-to move.

What about you, Mike?

You always gave girls
that, uh, horrible mix tape.

Hey, easy on the Mike's Mix '99.

Come on, that had the goods.

Had that Aerosmith song
from that Asteroid movie.

Girls dug that.

Yeah, and what about this guy?

He's always going to the museum
with the thing

and the Warhols and all that.

Hey, listen, I retired
that move like three years ago.

It was better than some
lame long-eared dog, okay?

Lately I've been doing this
romantic train ride thing,

and the ladies
love it, you know.

It's like going
back in time

to a land of chivalry.
the journey is the destination

and the destination is...

Don't say it.
...my pants.

Oh, God.
How very chivalrous of you, yes.

Thank you. Yes, it is.

Look at this, the dog
plays better than you.

Yeah, I texted.

I'm not afraid to say
that I texted.

And I will text again.
That kid's crazy.

Oh, I got to go.

Mike's doing this thing
where he's out of the shower

and he's nude
and he's doing...

Yes, exactly.
Exactly. I don't know,

he thinks it's funny.

It's totally funny.

So yeah, I gotta... All right.
I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

That is hilarious.

It is hilarious. And-And sexy.

Who's that?
Alexa.

Whoa, whoa.
Hey, come on.

That's a burn notice, dude.

That is Ethan's ex.

So what? She didn't break up
with me, and I miss her.

We were an awesome
game night team.

We shared a charades mind.
Look, I get it.

I get it. Ethan has dated
a lot of really cool women.

I mean, I miss some of them.

Really? Like who--
who, who do you miss?

Uh...

Like Kelly?
No.

Kelly with the
belly shirt Kelly?

No.

Honey, it's a dumb rule.

I'm not doing it.
Oh, really? That's it.

Yeah. We just get rid
of all the rules?

Just throw them
out the window?

How about if I just go on a
killing spree this weekend?

Would that be cool?
Okay, you go on a killing spree,

and I will be friends
with Alexa.

Because those rules
are exactly the same.

They are. You're playing with fire.
You're-You're... You're crazy.

Trust me.
you break the rules, Wait.

and you don't get any of this.
Where you going?

No, no, no, no, no.
Do the dance.

I want to see the dance.

Don't deprive me of your love.

You know,
I've looked everywhere.

I've checked online.

Uh, I even--
I called an ex-girlfriend

to see if she still had one.
That just seems wrong, Adam.

No, it's so wrong.

You know, but I'm desperate.

Actually, it was pretty nice
to catch up with her.

You know, it's been a long time.

She's teaching fourth grade now,
which is so cute.

Oh, I love
fourth grade teachers.

Hold on a
second, Mike's calling me.

I'm going to conference him in.
Hey, Mike, we're all on.

Guys, we've got
a situation here.

Lisa has gone rogue.

What? What are you talking about?
We have a broken arrow.

You having a stroke?

Yeah, if you smell toast,
pull over.

It means you're having a stroke.

No. Lisa has violated
the burn notice.

Oh...
The burn notice.

I'm so sorry, Ethan.

It's Alexa.

Oh.
Oh, she's cool.

Yeah, Carl loved her.
Alexa is really cool, man.

I can definitely imagine
her and Lisa being friends.

Yeah, totally.
Oh, could you? Could you really?

Could you also imagine a lot of
really weird stuff from

your past
blowing up in your face?!

'Cause that is what you have coming!
Come on.

All right, Mike, Mike, relax.

Burn notice made sense in
college when we ate

in the same cafeteria as all

of our ex-girlfriends,
but you know what?

We're off the meal plan now.
Precisely.

You know what, you guys
don't get it. You don't get it.

You don't get it!
These rules exist for a reason.

No, there is no rule.

It's just something
that you made up

because my ex-girlfriend
ruined our ski trip.

You broke up with her
on a mountain.

Eight hours on a chair lift

with a crying girl, Adam.
Eight hours!

I know. Okay, okay, okay.

Also, "burn notice" has got to
be my least favorite

of any phrase we've ever used.

Oh, no. What about
"brunch bros"?

That one's pretty bad.

Oh, yeah. That is terrible.

What's wrong with
"brunch bros"?

Take your shark
and get out of here.

I don't want to see
your face around here again.

Thanks for
coming, guys.

I mean, I got this.

But it's nice
to have some backup.

Look at this!

Hey!
The rocket back in action.

He knows me.

You're like a legend, man.
Hey.

No lady, huh?
Not this time.

Didn't look like
it was going to work out.

We're going strong.
I just lost the last...

Listen, if I win, can
I choose my prize still?

Yeah.

Knock the bottles down,
anything you want.

Shark's very popular.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where's the little dog?

The, you know, the white dog
with the little red bow tie?

Ah...

Last one.

Last shipment.

To be honest, I'm not even
supposed to give it away.

Apparently, it's full of some
sort of weird Chinese fiberglass.

Whatever.
Doesn't matter.

All right, here we go.

Gather round and
watch the rocket!

This guy's amazing. He's
like a young Roger Clemens.

Or an old Roger Clemens!

You getting older?
You falling apart?

It's good to see you again.
Boom. What?

Actually, you know,
I think I hurt myself.

I hurt my shoulder
in that spider hole.

Come on. Really?
Just so you know.

Somebody's got
a little message for you.

Please knock the
bottles down for me.

I got this.
I got this. Fine.

Uh-oh, big man
tagging in, right?

Come on, Mike.

Shame. One more.

Oh.
Uh-oh.

It's British guy--

saving lives in the street,

dying at the game.

Oh, embarrassment.

See, it's harder than it looks,
is all I'm saying.

It's a tough game.
It's a game of skill.

Come here.
Bring it in.

You okay?

I'm a little stressed out here.

You don't seem like you're on
your game. What's happening?

I got to win this
for my girlfriend.

Oh, wait a minute.
This is about love?

Conquering the mountain
that is love?

And she's... These stakes--
this is the big caboose.

I know, I know.
I mean, I really care.

Stop trying
to throw it

from here.

Start throwing it
from right here.

Yeah.
Hey, man.

I'm here for you.

Thank you.

Thank you. ETHAN: Finally.
Dog me.

Adam... It's a foot fault.
You're over the line.

What? Foot fault?
What? I'm sorry?

You're well over the line.

Come on.
I have to run a business here.

There are rules.

You got to
respect that.

I mean, you're clearly
like two inches over the line.

Mike. What?
There's a blue floor with a red line.

It's clearly marked.

Now this is why we don't
invite you to game night.

What?
Exactly.

This is my fault?

Unbelievable.

Hey, do you want
to be my partner

at a tennis tournament?

Because I would love
to kick the crap

out of my coworker Judy.

Ugh! Judy? I hate her
already. Let's do it.

Great!

One-handed backhand.
Who does that?

Just me and Roger Federer.
Yeah.

Yeah. I was ranked third
at Tulane, so, yeah.

Really?
Yeah!

Oh, I'm calling Mike.

This is happening.

Uh, well, I mean...

yeah, I mean, sure.

I mean, if she was number three
at Tulane

then you gotta do that.
Ooh, very weird stance.

But you do realize that you are
breaking a, you know,

sacred code between me and my
buddies that's been going on

for a long time, and something that's
very important to us. Ooh, regrets!

But if you gotta do that,
you gotta do that.

Yeah, you know what?
Bring her to the barbecue.

Sure, yeah. No, why not?

No, I'm gonna bring
the popcorn guy,

I'm gonna bring
this carny back here,

we're gonna bring everybody,

I mean, 'cause clearly,
there's no more standards.

Okay, great. Bye.
It's on.

Good, 'cause I just
thought of a name

for our tennis team.
What?

The Smash Sisters.

Smash Sisters...
I love it!

How awesome
are you?!

I'm sorry.
Did you not know?

I'm super awesome.

Oh, yes, laser show!

Just don't take the dog.
Take the frog.

Take the shot. I don't know.
What do you want, baby.

Baby, I want the dog.

Yeah, you know,
we're gonna have the dog.

No!
It's my move, yo.

Nice work.
Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah, it was
crazy easy.

Didn't even have
to throw it that hard.

Just super accurate, right?

Come on. Please,
you got lucky.

Baby, don't listen
to them.

They're, like,
a hundred years old.

Maybe combined.

No, dude, combined, you're,
like, 300 years old.

Okay, well, you think that each
one of us is a hundred years old?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Wow, that kid is cool.

Shut up.

I want to hang out
with him and buy him beers.

Hey!

How much for the dog, man?

This is just sad, dude.

You are a grown-ass man.

Hey, just name your price.

All right, 200 bucks.

What, are you crazy?
Aw, come on!

Just be reasonable here,
all right?

The other thing is we already
spent all our money trying

to get the dog, so there's gotta
be something else you want.

I feel like a king.

Oh, my God,
this is so hot.

Can we turn on
the siren?

All right,
one time, Romeos.

Oh, my God!

It's so cool!
Oh, my God,

you're the best
boyfriend ever.

You're the best
girlfriend.

All right, focus on
the road, entourage.

Sorry, sorry.

You guys throw
a lot of barbecues.

Yeah, it's kind of
our go-to party.

Where are the guys?

I don't know.
Late, I guess, but I'm pretty

sure they'd want us
to start drinking without them.

Copy that.
Yes.

Cheers.
To drinking.

Ooh.
I forgot to tell you...

Check it!

"Smash Sisters"? I love it.

It's for you.

Oh, there's Judy. I gotta go
tell her to suck it. Judy!

I was just telling Judy how
excited I am

to have so many people playing
in the charity tournament.

It's good
for the company.

And hey, more importantly,

it's good for the children.

Yeah, I love the kids.

Everybody's a winner...
except for Judy.

So you know these
guys from way back, huh?

Oh, yeah.

But I haven't seen Mike
and Lisa

since Ethan and I broke up.

Oh, you might appreciate this.

I dug up some pictures from when
Ethan and I were together.

Here's Lisa.

Please tell me
she has the perm.

Wow, that is
incredibly large hair.

Yes, yes.

I'm sorry.
Adam's with another girl.

Oh, no, , it's fine.
I'm not jealous.

What the hell is that?

Oh, you mean his sideburns?

Yeah, awful, right?

He called that
"The Van Buren."

Yeah, I know.
That's his favorite president.

God, he's just so adorable.
Do you mind if I keep this?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, we got a bogey at 2:00.

What, the swing set?

Uh, I mean, 10:00.

Ah, hey.
Hey, Ethan.

I was hoping
you'd be here today.

Well, here I am.

I have a bone
to pick with you.

A bone to pick?
I saw that coming.

You said you would give me
regular updates on Carl,

and I haven't seen a picture
in, like, three years.

Oh, well, okay, okay,
that's an easy fix.

All right.

I mean, I thought you meant...
Doesn't matter.

So here is a snap
I took this morning.

There he is.

Yeah, of course, you can
follow his blog online.

He's a vegan now.
You can probably tell

by the sheen on
his coat.

Huh, look at that.

Two mature adults interacting.

You could really learn
something from it, Michael.

Oh, could I, Lisa?
Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe I already
have learned it.

And now I'm gonna
learn it even more.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I had to do something,
really important.

And, uh...
also pick up this dog leash.

Oh, a leash? What's that for?

Well, it's just so we won't lose
this little guy again!

Huh? What do you think?

Aw, baby, he's so cute!

y are you putting him
in the blender?

Wait. Um...

No, no, no, no,
that's...

Oh! No! I...

But, um... Ah!

I just want... Mmm!

I... Ooh!

What's this?

Oh, God.

So y-you do this little dog
thing with all your girlfriends?

No, no, I don't.

What that is is, uh...

Uh, no...

Yeah, you and CJ can go to hell.

Whoa!

CJ...

Come on Callie.
Just open the door. Let me in.

You can't just spider hole
yourself in there all night.

I know that-that
picture looks bad,

but every... picture has
a story,

and... and I got a good one
that's gonna make you laugh.

Yeah, is it a story about
how you are a jackass?

Yeah, it is.

Is that gonna fix this?

Look, I don't want

to talk about it.
Just leave me alone.

I'm fine in here.
There's magazines and...

and soda, which is weird.

Hey.

Whoa. Wow, um, you know,
the door, you didn't lock it.

When you're locking yourself in,
you might want to, uh...

Yeah, thanks.

I have to say it.

It's really nice to see
you after all this time.

Yeah. Yeah, it's
nice to get to the point

where you can just leave
everything behind you.

Well, yeah, I mean,
it's been three years,

so whatever happened is, you
know, water under the brid.

Oh, totally water.

Yeah.
So, friends?

Friends.

Friends.

Friends.

Yeah, friends.

Friends.

Friends.

Friends.

Just friends.

Just.

Come on.

It was just a stupid dog.

Yeah, it was.

It was totally stupid
and sappy.

But... I usually don't go
for that sort of thing,

but I did this time
because it was you

and I thought that it
was special between us.

And then I found out
you're just...

you're just stupid
with everyone.

I can't believe
there was another CJ.

TJ, actually.

Uh, the girl in that
picture was named Tammy.

Oh, well, that's
good to know.

Okay, in the interest
of full disclosure,

there was also a AJ
and an SJ, and yes, there was

a CJ 'cause I dated
a girl named Catherine briefly.

Okay, little tip-- you're
trying to make me feel better?

Stop mentioning other ladies.
That's smart.

Yeah.

Look here's the thing.

I'm a logical romantic,

but I am a
romantic, you know?

If I find something that works,
I tend to do it again.

You know, and I really liked you
and I wanted to impress you,

so I just used my best move.

Yeah, okay, keep going.

And none of those other stupid
dogs made it into bed, because

until now I never found somebody
that I wanted to live with.

Gosh, you're hard
to stay mad at.

Come here, you
adorable giant.

Mmm!

Well, I guess we can
both be glad

that I didn't date
a girl named "Brooke."

Why?

Oh, yeah.

Or, um, or "Heather."

"HJ..." Does anybody
say that anymore?

My ex-boyfriend.

Ow.

You know, 90 minutes ago
I had no idea what tapenade is,

and I gotta say,
kinda on board.

Yay.

Hey, guys.

Hey!
Hey!

I just wanted to thank you
so much for having me.

Oh, did you have fun?
Yeah, actually.

Uh, Ethan and I are gonna give
it another shot.

Ha!

Yeah, we're going away
for the weekend.

He's got this romantic idea
to take me on a train ride.

Oh, a train ride...

Wait a minute. This weekend?

No, that's the tournament.

You can't bail on that.
Oh, sorry.

But I need you. I already told
Judy to suck it.

Yeah... uh...
No.

But I really feel like
Ethan and I have a shot,

so you understand,
right?

Oh, yeah, she understands.
She totally understands.

Okay, well, thanks, guys.

All right, good luck!

Okay, just say it.

No.

Just say it, Mike.

No.

Okay, just say it, all right?

You know you want to say it,
so just say it.

I got nothing
to say right now...

except...

it was a lovely evening.

You are...

It was.

so...

Mike.

Not yet.

I told you!

Oh, God. God!

See ya at breakfast, kid.

Gonna be a great day.

Foot fault!

Mike...
Do you want Judy to win?

Foot fault!

Smash Sisters.