Touched by an Angel (1994–2003): Season 4, Episode 22 - Cry and You Cry Alone - full transcript

TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL #422 "Cry
and You Cry Alone" Closed Captioned

What are you guys up to?

Ah-ah-ah-ah! Just
keep 'em closed.

Ta-dah!

What's this?

It's a cruise ship made
out of chopped liver.

Can't you tell?

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Well, that's what I told 'em.

"Give him a nice cake," I said,

but since when does a
comedian ever listen to a waitress?



Cake isn't funny, baby.

Chopped liver... that's funny.

No, I think Johnny B.

Working a cruise
ship... That's funny.

Yeah, I'm honored, fellas,

but I'll just be going
around the world.

I'll be back in a
couple of years.

Ah, don't be modest.

When one of us hits it
big, we all hit it big, huh?

That's why we're throwing
you this terrific party...

which Tommy is paying for.

Him? No kidding.

You never picked
up a tab in your life.

Yes, I have. Then
I give it to Jack.



Listen, I got this great story,

and I've been waiting for
the right time to tell you guys.

What kind of story?

- It'd better be funny.
- Yeah.

Or very dramatic.

It's about Maury Salt.

Oh, one of the great ones.

I remember his act,

- "Salt and Pepper."
- Yeah.

Now, this all started about
one year ago right here,

when Maury walked
through that door.

Good morning.

There's somebody at my table.

I know. I'm sorry. I
tried to hurry them.

I brought their coffee and eggs
and check all at the same time.

You know, I'm here
every day at 8:00.

If it rains, 8:00.

Earthquakes, 8:00.

Brush fires, 8:00.

Relax. They're finished.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks. Have a good day.

Thank you.

Don't come back.

Ah.

Aah.

Hello.

Rye toast and coffee, black.

Black? The toast or the coffee?

You're new here.

Listen... carefully.

Every morning, 8:00, I'm
going to be sitting right here.

Don't ever ask me
what I want again.

I'm telling you right now.

The toast and coffee black, hmm?

Mr. Salt, my name is
Monica, and I just wanted to...

All right, all right.

Used to be a beloved
celebrity could get his breakfast

without being interrupted

by the people who
are supposed to...

bring the breakfast.

Hmm?

"To Monica, best
wishes. Maury Salt."

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

The toast and coffee, black.

The coffee, hmm?

Trish, your cheese
omelet's ready.

Are you sure he's
a comedian, Tess?

He doesn't seem very happy.

Well, funny's not the
same as happy, baby.

When people hurt,
they hide behind things,

and that man's
been hiding for years.

He made a terrible mistake once,

and you're here to see that
he doesn't make it again.

I'm ready to order now.

What kind of story is this?

And who are those women?

And why are we hearing a
story about Maury Salt anyway?

Have I ever done
anything without a reason?

No. That's what I'm afraid of.

Look, just calm down.

Don't eat too fast and listen.

This story's going
to change your life,

and that ain't chopped liver.

Captioning sponsored by CBS
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

♪ When you walk down the road ♪

♪ Heavy burden, heavy load ♪

♪ I will rise ♪

♪ And I will walk with you ♪

♪ I'll walk with you ♪

♪ Till the sun
don't even shine ♪

♪ Walk with you ♪

♪ Every time, I tell
you I'll walk with you ♪

♪ Walk with you ♪

♪ Believe me, I'll
walk with you. ♪

I know exactly what I want.

I want either a soup or a
sandwich or something else.

I'll come back, maybe.

Hey, Donna, did
you hear the rumor

that I've been dating
a 19-year-old girl?

No, I haven't.

Who would spread
a rumor like that?

I did.

All right, so go on.

Yeah. There's a new
waitress in the diner. So what?

I'm telling you.
So, an hour later,

Maury's had his coffee,
he's had his rye toast,

and his life is about
to change forever.

Here you go, and thank you

again for the best wishes.

Hmm?

Maury Salt, I'm
your biggest fan.

Not my biggest, but
certainly my worst-dressed.

Congratulations.

Way to go.

Oh, my God!

Oh.

Hey, Maury's going to
be in the Hall of Fame.

So, Maury's made it
into the Hall of Fame

and he's in shock...
Who wouldn't be?...

But his happiness
is short-lived,

because, as you know,
when things are good,

agents come out like
worms after a heavy rain.

Maury... Salt of the Earth.

Love you, pal.

You did it.

Why haven't I heard from
you? It's been ten years.

Because the work you've
been offered is beneath you.

You're a giant.

I am so happy for us.

This isn't about you.

This is my greatest triumph.

The business may have
forgotten Maury Salt,

my agent may have
forgotten Maury Salt,

but I've always
performed for the people,

and the people have
not forgotten Maury Salt.

You're so right.

Come. Walk with
me. Talk with me.

You'll headline the
induction, of course.

We're still negotiating,

but we're not taking
one cent less than Ed.

Ed? Ed will be there?

Well, you can't be a
team without a partner.

Salt and Pepper together again.

It's been 30 years.

Maury, let bygones be bygones.

Life is too short.

Tell me about it.

So, how's your dear wife?

Irma died two years ago.

What?

It was cancer.

Oh, Maury, I'm so sorry.

We were together
right to the end...

like it's supposed to be.

Of course.

Hey, Fred.

Listen, we'll talk later.

How are you?

How's it going?

Okay, there were two
major people in Maury's life.

The first was his
wife, God rest her soul.

The second is
Ed, the ex-partner,

and now he's on his way back.

How come Salt and Pepper
broke up in the first place?

Nobody ever knew.

20 years, they played
clubs and joints.

Finally, they got
the Sullivan Show,

then their own TV series.

They were going to be huge,

and poof, they
split up just like that.

Well, I remember this:

one day, they were big news,

and then the next day,
Ed quits the business

and moved to Kansas or Iowa or
someplace where they grow corn,

and Maury never spoke
Ed's name out loud again.

Then last year, they
had a big reunion

or some press conference, right?

For the Hall of Fame.

Now can I tell my story?

It was supposed to
be a new beginning,

and it turns out to be
the beginning of the end.

Well, when I got the call, I was
very surprised and very happy.

My years with Maury as Salt
and Pepper were-were, uh...

well, very happy, and I'm
happy to be reunited with him.

I guess I'm just happy.

Can we get another shot, please?

Hello, Mr. Salt.

The waitress.

Yeah, sure, now
she knows who I am.

What are you doing here?

The diner's catering your show.

Thought I'd come
and have a peek.

Shouldn't you be out there?

You're not nervous, are you?

Nervous? Ha!

It's called making an entrance.

There he is.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Maury Salt.

You look great, Maury.

You made me wait 30 years.

I figured I could make
him wait 30 minutes.

How you been, Maury?

Great, just great.

Maury, how does it feel
to be back together with Ed

after all these years?

Ed and I have always had

a love/hate relationship.

He loves me and I hate him.

A-ha, a-ha, a-ha.

Ed, why did Salt and Pepper

break up in the late '60s,

right at the pinnacle
of your career?

- Uh, well...
- I'll answer that.

We've all heard the rumors
about what happened to us,

and I want to address
them right now.

Supposedly, Ed deserted the
partnership without explanation.

The truth is... and this
is difficult to admit...

It was my fault.

I have a drinking problem...

but I'm working on it.

Save it for the show.

You should be happy
one of us is being funny.

Why aren't they happy
to see each other?

Maybe they are,

and that's the only way
they know how to show it.

They talk to each other,

but they don't really
speak to each other.

Well, humans have trouble

communicating
their real feelings.

Sometimes it's worse with men.

Wait a minute.

Who was this other
woman with the waitress?

I'll get to that.

They have this thing now.

It's called patience.

This won't be easy, baby.

They don't seem to like
each other very much.

Why should we get
them back together?

Because some things
belong together...

The moon and the
stars, a knife and a fork,

salt and pepper.

I'll do my best, Tess,

but it may take some time.

There is no time, baby.

Maury.

Ed.

Uh... I heard about Irma.

I'm sorry.

She was in a lot of pain.

Yeah, must have been
hard to say good-bye.

I think we should do
the horse costume bit.

Well, whatever.

As long as you're
the back this time.

Me? You were the
back for 25 years.

So, now it's your turn.

You can't be the front.

The front has to be funny.

The back just has to be an ass.

You're a natural.

Hello.

- Oh.
- Hello, I'm Monica.

Uh, I'm Maury's partner, Ed.

Ah, yes... Ed Pepper.

No, Ed Yablonsky.

But Salt and Yablonsky
didn't sound right.

I see.

Um, excuse me, Mr. Salt.

May I have a word
with you, please?

Sure.

Why not? Babe.

"Babe."

Forgive me for saying so,

but I think you
owe it to your fans

to put on a great show.

And that would require teamwork,

what, with you two
being a team and all.

So you're an expert
on teamwork, too?

I know a few things about
working with others, yes.

Waitress-actress I get.

But waitress-cheerleader?

Please.

Give just a little, hmm?

Okay.

Just a little.

All right, I forgive you.

What?!

In an effort to keep the peace,

I will be the back of the horse

if we also do Little
Red Riding Hood.

Uh, not if I have
to be the wolf.

The kids throw things at me.

What about the psychic bit?

No, you roll your eyes.

The podiatrist and the bunion.

Cowboys and Indians.

No, perpetuating a stereotype.

Little boy left home alone.

Child endangerment.

Siamese twins.

Politically incorrect.

30 years. Just as
stubborn as ever.

I knew this was a
mistake. Good-bye, Maury.

Go ahead. Walk out on me again.

I don't need you.

I can take somebody off the
street and make them a star.

Fine. Go ahead.

Fine. I will.

You!

Your new partner.

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me get this straight.

They get back together

just in time to break up again.

And then Maury
takes on a new partner

who knows nothing about comedy?

Oh... oh, I love this story.

I don't get it. It's crazy.

And it gets crazier. Are
you getting this, Johnny?

I'm with you, baby.

Now, there's only a few days

till the Hall of Fame induction.

Millions of people will
be watching this show.

And Maury Salt has
but a matter of hours

to teach his new
partner how to be funny.

Mr. Salt... Maury.

If you're funny, you
can call me Maury.

Maury, I don't know
anything about telling jokes.

You have to try.

Ed and I are finished.

Kaput. Toast. Done.
Over. Yesterday's papers.

- I understand.
- History.

I had one more.

Well, if you think I
can be of some help...

Good.

Lesson number one:
Comedy is 80% surprise.

People laugh as an
involuntary reaction

to hearing something
clever they didn't expect.

And what's the other 20%?

Truth.

You have to have some
truth so people can relate.

Are you good with truth?

Well, yes.

That's my specialty.

Good.

Here are your jokes.

Lesson number two:

You have to take your
punch line and throw it away.

Throw it away?

Yeah, just throw it away.

Figure of speech. Never mind.

Let's see if you
can tell a joke.

Start at the top.

"A rabbi, a priest
and a minister

go on a roller coaster."

Okay, you have to
say the punch line.

See, the setup is not funny.

Oh.

I wouldn't be
comfortable saying that.

Now that's against
my personal beliefs.

Monica, jokes are funny.

Beliefs are not funny.

Okay, skip down to the next one.

Um... "a traveling
salesman gets a flat tire

"and walks to a farm house.

"He knocks on the door.

The farmer's daughter
opens... the door..."

Oh.

That's a bit
suggestive, isn't it?

Okay.

Skip, skip, skip.

No. No.

Keep skipping.

Oh.

No.

I'll have the
chicken of the day.

How's it prepared?

Today it's fried.

Uh-oh.

Come on, Jack.

Hey, you know I'm
watching my cholesterol.

You want me to drop dead?

- Let's take a vote.
- Yes.

Oh, God.

Look, can we just get
the story over with?

Okay. So now it's two
days before the big show,

and Maury has to put Monica
in front of an audience first.

So he signs her up
for Open Mike night.

How you doing tonight, sir?

Looks like the
skin graft is taking.

All right.

Keep the blood
flow moving to that,

and you're in trouble, okay?
Get a map in there, too.

People are looking for help.

What is this?

We got some Olympians
over here, huh?

You ever been in the Olympics?

- No, sir.
- I don't think so.

The only thing they
could use you for

is to stop the skiers
at the end, man.

You're not nervous, are you?

Well, this man is so rude

and everybody's laughing at him.

Well, baby, some people
use laughter to heal.

And some people use
it to hide their feelings.

But feelings come
through anyway.

Like this man, he's angry.

And so he's using comedy

as an excuse to
lash out at people.

Just don't forget

that behind every
comic is a sensitive soul.

And just let your
feelings come out.

Talk about what you know.

Hey... "Fear not, for
thou shalt be funny."

Oh. Well.

This crowd, get out
of here. I'm leaving.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Johnny Biskin.

Now I'd like to
introduce a young woman

who will be performing
as my partner

at the Comedy Hall
of Fame this Saturday.

It's her first time before a
live audience, so be nice.

She can turn ugly.

Presenting Monica!

Thank you.

Hello.

My name is Monica.

And maybe as you can
guess from the way I talk,

I'm not from around here.

I'm from Pittsburgh.

Well...

One joke, and I'm
already making progress.

Speaking of progress, um,

if pro is the opposite of con,

what is the opposite
of progress?

Congress.

Um... Well, you know,
there's a lot happening

in Congress right now.

Um, today, uh, for instance,

they were discussing
poultry futures,

and, um, I was
thinking that the thing

that would make a
chicken's future happier

is if they just quit
crossing the road.

Hey, lady, get off the stage.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you need it?

Oh, oh, no.

That-that wasn't a joke.

That was the truth.

Truth?

Truth. Go with it.

Um... Well, uh, you see...

Obviously, I'm not
much of a joke-teller.

I'm not even an entertainer.

As a matter of
fact, I'm an angel.

Mr. Salt here is my assignment,

and, you see, we were going

to do this comedy
routine together,

but we couldn't
agree on what to do.

You see, in Heaven,
nothing is done

at someone else's expense,

and it doesn't have to
be here on Earth either.

You don't need to step on those

beneath you in
order to get ahead.

In fact... it works
just the opposite way.

Now, I-I don't want to keep you.

I know I'm interrupting
your supper,

but, remember, if you
stop to help others,

it's you who will be helped.

So, be nice to someone today.

Please.

It's really catching.

Thank you.

All right. What was that?

I was telling the truth.

And the truth is
that you're an angel?

Yes.

Okay.

Next time less truth
and more jokes.

Oh, hello, Maury.

Listen, it was
her first time out.

She's gonna improve.

Give her a break.

No.

It was a very interesting bit.

Did you see the audience?

They weren't laughing, but
they were paying attention.

You're not funny,
but they like you.

Oh, thank you.

So, you come by here

hoping to see our "A" material

so you could steal it?

No, Maury.

I got to thinking, you
got a new partner,

I got a new partner, too.

Hey! Hey...

This kid recognized
me in the parking lot.

Told me he wants to
break into the business.

He's got a great
deadpan delivery.

He'll kill the people.

Over here!

Well, got to go to work.

See you later.

Oh. Bye-bye.

Do that again.

That's funny.

You know that guy?

Andrew? Yes, I do.

I don't recognize him.

Looks so serious.

Is he a professional comic?

No, he's not.

Well, then we may
have our problems,

but it looks like Ed's
gonna die up on that stage.

I believe that's a
distinct possibility.

So, uh, who's this Andrew guy?

Well, you may not believe this,

but he's the Angel of Death.

Hey, wait a minute.

I've seen the Angel of Death.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Sitting up front
during your act.

Anyway, Monica
goes to rehearsal,

and she's on a mission from God.

You're late.

We only have two hours

before Ed and that
guy get the stage.

I know Ed. He's going to try

to steal our best
routines for himself.

He would do that?

Despicable, isn't it?

That's why we're
gonna steal it first.

I'm trying to
picture how you two

got together in the first place.

60 years ago, I was a
kid working as a stagehand

in the last vaudeville
theater in America,

right here in Hollywood.

One day the house comedian quit,

and they asked me
if I wanted the job,

and it paid more than being
a stagehand, so I said yes.

I often wondered

what would have happened if
the animal act had quit instead.

So I went out and
bombed, of course,

which was bad
enough, but made worse

by a loudmouth in the
audience who heckled me.

Ed.

Ed.

Enough with the stroll
down memory lane.

We got a show to rehearse.

I can't do it, Mr. Salt.

Your rightful place is with Ed.

You two are being
honored as a team.

You should perform as a team.

Did he put you up to this?

No, of course not.

The coward. Never
could speak for himself.

Have you ever told
Ed that you loved him?

What, are you crazy?

Who talks like that?

There's nothing crazy about
one person loving another.

I don't love him.

As a matter of fact, I hate him.

Why?

For breaking up the act?

For ruining my career.

We were right there.

Abbott and Costello.

Laurel and Hardy.

Salt and Pepper!

And he just walked away.

Just like that.

Like it all meant nothing.

I spent 30 years just
trying to stay in the business

I did a Gunsmoke with a
horse that hated comics.

Three years on
Hollywood Squares.

Nobody called me.

I fell off my garage roof

trying to get on
America's Funniest Videos.

When Ed walked out on the act,

he didn't just ruin my career,

he ruined my life.

There must be some part
of you that still cares for Ed.

You're starting
to sound like Irma.

Right to the end,

she was pushing for me and Ed

to get together again.

Irma sounds like a
very special person.

She was. She was.

Tell me, Monica...

why do women think every
problem can be solved by talking?

If you don't talk
about your feelings,

how can you deal with them?

Just because you ignore them

doesn't make them go away.

Sometimes the most painful words

are those that are not
spoken, don't you think?

What would happen...

if Ed were suddenly gone?

What if he was?

It can be terribly difficult

when you don't get a
chance to say good-bye.

Are you trying to tell me...

that... there's something
wrong with Ed?

So, how did she know all this?

She's an angel, remember?

This isn't going
to get all mushy

and sentimental on us, is it?

Who's telling this story?

So go on. Monica,
the so-called angel,

tells Maury he has to
stick by Ed because...

maybe he's dying?

That's right, so
Maury decides...

he's gonna make peace.

Okay, thanks.

Oh. Come by to make
fun of my act, huh?

No. I think we should
bury the hatchet

and do the show
together like the old days.

Ah, she wasn't funny, huh?

Monica? She's an angel.

You're a dirty old man, Maury.

Now, what am I supposed
to tell this kid Andrew?

Tell him you came
to your senses.

It's a joke...
you're a comedian.

Feel free to have
a sense of humor.

I have a sense of
humor. You, however...

Truce? Truce?

Truce.

Okay.

Quiet on the set, please.

Hello, Doctor.

And how are you
today, Mr. Hasenpfeffer?

I hope you could help me.

Let me see your wallet.

What for?

I want to know how sick you are.

Have a seat.

What seems to be your problem?

Well, you're a foot doctor.

It's probably not my shoulder.

Ah, the Queen Mary.

Where'd you get this?

At the boat show?

How does this feel?

It feels fine.

You're cured already.

No, Doctor, you
got the wrong foot.

Oh, the shoe's
on the other foot.

Hey, hey, Maury!

That's not the
way the skit goes.

That's the way it goes.

You just don't remember.

I remember.

You're just trying to
make me look bad.

You, Monica, what do you think?

Well, I think it would be
wonderful if you did something

that no one had
ever seen before.

Something new,
something special.

Do you have anything like that?

That's it. I'm a genius.

We do the "What Makes
God Laugh" routine.

Certainly not.

We never performed it.

That's because
one of us walked out.

I'm not naming names, but
it rhymes with Yablonsky.

It's a good thing one of
us came to his senses.

You never had a
sensible bone in your body!

What?

I'm the only reason
why we're here!

You?!

You've always been

just the back half of the horse!

You can't talk to me like that.

I'm the... I'm... Oh... Ed?

Ed?

- Help!
- What's up?

Help!

We need some help. Call 911!

Are you okay, Johnny?

Yeah, sure. I just, uh...

I've got a lot on
my plate right now.

That's a lot more
than I can say.

Where's Donna?

You made her wait so long,

she got her own series.

Nurse? Nurse?

Okay, so the
ambulance is on its way.

Ed's on the floor and
he's on his last leg,

but he's still doing
better than Maury.

Ed, I know that you can hear
me, but... but don't try to talk.

Just listen.

I'll just listen.

I won't say a thing.

That's talking.

Yes, it was. That was talking.

Sorry.

Ed, you and I didn't
meet a few days ago.

We met years ago.

Do you remember?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

- Where is he?
- He's right there.

Ed, you have nothing to fear.

Where you're going,
there is no pain.

And it is more beautiful
than you can even imagine.

But first, you have some things

to complete here on this Earth.

Salt and Pepper was-was
the greatest time of your life,

wasn't it?

And giving it up

was the hardest thing
you've ever had to do.

I should have kept
my mouth shut.

No.

Ed needs you now,
and you need him.

It's time to open yourselves up.

Here we go.

There you go.

I realize that Maury is not
the easiest person in the world

to get along with,

but there's something
you owe him, Ed.

Don't you? The truth.

This is the last chance
you have to give it to him.

It's too late.

No, no.

It's not too late.

God will give you the strength

if you ask Him.

I didn't want to
leave you alone.

It's your heart.

Thank you, Dr. Salt.

I know it's my heart.

I've known for 30 years.

30 years?

Ed, why didn't you tell me?

Driver, let's go.

Yes, sir.

Hey! Hey!

Wait!

What?

30 years ago, I
started getting pains.

The doctor said it was my heart,

and that the stress
of doing a TV series

would kill me.

So you broke up the act?

My God,

why didn't you just
tell me the truth?

I didn't want you
to feel sorry for me.

I wanted you to hate me.

I used that anger to
turn into your own act.

But why?

I thought if I left soon enough,

before we were forever
teamed by television,

that you'd have
time to start over.

But you didn't, you idiot.

You wasted your talent

sitting in a giant
tic-tac-toe game.

You could have been
big, but you blew it.

I gave you my chance of
a lifetime and you blew it.

I spent the last 30 years
blaming you for everything.

But you didn't
quit to destroy me.

You quit to help me.

I'm so ashamed.

Good. But remember
what we said in vaudeville...

"You can't carry a grudge
and juggle at the same time."

Driver, hurry up!

Don't worry, baby.

I'll get you where
you need to go.

I don't want you

waiting around the hospital.

You got a show to do.

I'm not going to the show.

I'm staying with you.

Maury, the show must go on.

No. I already made the
mistake of believing that once.

I knew Irma was bad,

but I had a supermarket
opening in Arizona.

Thought she'd be
there when I got back.

I was wrong.

I wasn't there when she died.

A lot of life passes you by

when you're on the road,
but that's who we are.

I missed graduations,
birthdays, weddings.

I never got a chance
to say good-bye to Irma.

I'm not going to make
the same mistake

with my best friend.

I don't know if I ever
told you this, Ed, but...

Hey, we're going through
the old neighborhood right now.

You never told me that before.

Yeah.

We're less than a mile
from where we met.

Look.

Help me out of this.

No, no. I don't mean look look.

You need to get to the hospital.

Maury, it's going to be
this week, next week.

What's the difference?

I want to see the old
neighborhood one more time

with my best friend.

Driver, he wants to sit up.

He wants to get out.

I'll pull over to the curb.

You help him up.

Thank you, driver.

Thank God, baby.

So Maury takes Ed back
to where they first met.

I thought they met at
some old vaudeville theater.

They did.

But it got torn
down 30 years ago.

Know what's there now?

This place.

Oh, really?

It's a good thing you
were here to let us in.

Yeah. You know what
they say about timing.

"It's everything."

Well, timing is very important
in my line of work as well.

The stage was right about here.

Yeah, and that means
I was heckling you

from right about here.

Yeah, that means
when I came after you...

Whoops.

You ran to right about here.

Uh-oh.

Monica, could you
bring us some water?

I'd rather have an egg cream.

I don't know that we have those,

but we might have
some egg salad.

She's not from around here.

I remember... Pittsburgh.

You're Maury's angel.

Yes, and I'm your angel, too.

Wait a minute. What is this?

I thought it was a joke.

So did I.

No, it's the truth... 100%.

And I have a
message for you, Ed.

A message from God.

Yeah. I know what it is.

God knows I messed up.

I tried to save Maury's
career, and I ruined it.

God knows what's
in your heart, Ed.

And He knows what
you're feeling, Maury.

But I have learned

that men sometimes
have a problem

sharing their real
feelings with each other.

You know, they talk about
sports and business, girls.

Telling the latest jokes,

instead of sharing
with each other

that the pain
that's in their hearts

or the fear that's
in their souls.

I know what makes God laugh,
and I know what makes God cry.

When his children
hurt, God weeps.

It breaks his heart.

And if God can show his
emotions in that way, why can't you?

Maury had his own
choices to make.

You are not
responsible for them.

God loves you, Ed Yablonsky,

and he's waiting to
tell you that himself.

God knows me? God loves me?

Yes, He does, very much.

God holds a special place

for those who provide
the gift of laughter.

And God has a request to make.

He wants to hear your routine.

"What Makes God Laugh."

I'm not sure I can
remember it all.

So wing it.

No offense.

Boy, talk about a
command performance.

Oh, well, all right.

He's Salt. He's Pepper.

- That makes us...
- Salt and Pepper.

Maury Salt live on the street

with the first live
interview with a real angel.

If you don't mind,

I have some burning questions.

Burning questions
are for the other side.

Of course. Scratch that.

Tell me, everybody wants

to know, what's Heaven like?

Well, it's not all
clouds and harps.

As a matter of fact, we're
thinking about redecorating.

Everybody's tired of
that Southwestern motif.

May I ask, what is God like?

All-knowing,
all-seeing, all-powerful.

Wow! Is there anything
God doesn't understand?

Ah, yes, actually, there is.

Really? What?

Chat rooms on the Internet.

Topical humor.

Nice touch.

Thank you.

So tell me, why did you
come down to Earth?

To escort a departed soul

or for aid to the unfortunate,

perform a miracle?

No. Actually it was to
ask a legal question.

What, you came all
the way down here

to talk to a lawyer?

Well, you don't expect me
to find one up there, do you?

One final question.

I love golf.

Are there any golf
courses in Heaven?

This is your lucky day.

The finest course
you'll ever see.

Here's the bad news.

You tee off next Tuesday.

I think God just laughed.

So everybody's not a critic.

Okay, God, I got
another one for you.

Go ahead. Timing is...

You were right, Ed.

I could have done better.

I should have done better.

And I'm gonna.

I swear.

No more excuses.

People are going to
remember you, Ed.

Remember us.

Salt and Pepper, the
greatest comedy team

that ever was.

I love you, Ed.

I love you, too, Maury.

Thank you.

I'm glad you stayed.

Tell me you made
this whole thing up.

I swear it's true.

Everything but
the angels, right?

Especially the angels.

Hey, are you going to ask us

to believe there
really our angels?

I'm telling you an
angel from God himself

told me this story.

You're serious?

Angels with wings and halos?

Hey, say it happened. Why?

You tell me why an angel
would me to tell you a story

about not being
honest with your friends.

How'd you know?

I called the cruise line

because I wanted to
have a bottle of champagne

put in your stateroom.

All I know is they said
you weren't booked there.

Hey, hey, hey, what are
you two talking about?

What gives, Johnny?

We're your friends.

Whatever the truth
is, you can tell us.

Okay, okay.

I don't really have
a cruise ship gig.

Well, now tell us
something we don't know.

Hey, man, talk to us!

You know how tired
I've been feeling lately?

Well, I finally
went to a doctor.

And he told you
you're getting old.

Join the club.

I wish that was all.

I... I have cancer.

Oh, geez.

Johnny, man, why
didn't you tell us?

I just couldn't.

We don't talk to each
other about things like that.

We joke around.

This wasn't funny.

Well, if you're not going
on a cruise, then what?

Three months of
chemo start tomorrow.

Ooh. Hey, man, listen.

Whatever happens,
whatever goes down,

we're going to be there for you.

Whatever you need, man.

We're the ones you call.

You got it, pal.

Thanks.

Thanks... all of you.

But do me a favor,
okay? Let's keep this quiet,

because if it gets out, ain't
nobody gonna ever hire me.

Don't worry about that.

Hi.

Hi, Donna, how are you?

Hello, boys. Jackie, Danny.

Johnny B.

Where have you
been hiding yourself?

Well, actually, I've been...

He hasn't been hiding.
He's been working a lot.

Matter of fact, he's
leaving for a gig right now.

Oh.

Yeah. He's, uh, headlining

on a cruise ship.

That's right.

Free food, bikinis.

We won't be seeing
him for a while.

But he'll be back.

Is that so?

Come walk with me.

Talk with me.

You know, I've been

thinking about this
for months now.

Are you looking for a new agent?

Maybe.

I love you guys.

We're still splitting
this check four ways.

You know, if there
were angels in this story,

they'd be right
here at this table.

Look, I got this idea I
want to talk to you about.

Well, he was close.

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