Total Drama (2007–2014): Season 4, Episode 1 - Bigger. Badder. Brutal-er! - full transcript

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[Chris] We've been to the movies.

We've been around the world.

And this season,
we're going right back

where it all began,
at Camp Wawanakwa!

I'm Chris McLean,
and as you can see,

things have changed
since we've been away.

[wood smashes]

And by "changed" I meant gotten
really, really dangerous.

[sea monster growls]

[chuckles] Good stuff.

But the rules of the game
remain the same.



A handful of unsuspecting teens

will bunk with complete strangers,

air their dirty laundry in
our outhouse confessional,

and compete in
life-threatening challenges

all over the island
and risk being voted off.

Last one standing wins
one million dollars!

Speaking of our cast,
here they come now!

[rock music plays]

-[Owen] Nooo!!
-[laughs]

No, not them!

This season we've got all new
players fighting for the million.

And here they come now...

for real!

[Chris] Meet Jo!



Stay out of my way
if you value your kiwis.

-[Chris] Scott!
-Right back atcha.

[Chris] Zoey and Mike!

Can you believe we're here?!

Yeah, it's beautiful!

[Chris] Lightning!

Hello, gorgeous!

[Chris] Brick!

Brick MacArthur reporting for duty!

[Chris] B and Dawn!

Your aura is exceptionally purplish green.

Oh, it suits you though.

[Chris] Dakota!

Hey there!

Dakota here and I'm here to--

[Chris] Anne Maria!

Aw, yeah, three more
coats oughta do it.

Whoa! Who said
you could pan away?!

Don't push me, blondie!

[Chris] Staci!

My great Aunt Millie invented suntans!

Yah, before her, people smeared
themselves with clay.

[coughing]

[Chris] Cameron!

Fresh air!

A real lake!

Birds! Woah!

[Chris] And Sam!

Oh, yeah! Grenade launcher upgrade!

Now we're cooking.

Yup! It's our roughest, toughest

most explosive season ever!

[explosion, contestants scream]

Right here on Total...

Drama...

Revenge Of The Island!

[theme music]

♪ Tell mom and dad
I'm doing fine ♪

♪ You guys are on my mind ♪

♪ You asked me what
I wanted to be ♪

♪ Now I think the answer
is plain to see... ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

♪ I wanna live
close to the sun ♪

♪ Oh, pack your bags
coz I've already won ♪

♪ Everything to prove,
nothing in my way ♪

♪ I'll get there one day ♪

♪ Coz I wanna be famous ♪

♪ Nananana nana nana na... ♪

♪ I wanna be, I wanna be ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

♪ I wanna be, I wanna be ♪

♪ I wanna be famous ♪

[whistling]

[screaming]

Is this what pain tastes like?

Ugh...I mean...auuugh!

Chris is so getting
the beat down for this!

Out of the way!
Triathlete coming through!

Hey!

[sputtering] Help!

Spazz.

I'll save you, little girl!

I'm a boy!

Hi, fellas!

However did you find me?

Uh, we got your text.

For crying out loud!

Uninvited guests, over.

[beeping]

[explosion]

Hey! No touching the hair, four eyes!

I wish my third uncle
twice removed was here!

He invented life preservers!

[both] Hang on! I'm coming! Oh!

Uh, no, you first, please.

No, please, go ahead. I insist!

Well, I mean, if you insist...

Hold on!

[coughing]

Thanks, I owe you one.

Okay, my first confessional.

So um... Zoey....

Nice girl...

Okay, super nice.

I wonder if she'll go out
with a guy like me.

See I have this, um... quirk.

I just hope my condition doesn't
ruin everything for me again.

[disappointed sigh]

Wow! I can't believe I'm actually
in the Total Drama Confessional.

It's so exciting!
Everyone seems so nice.

I hope they all like me.

I could use a few new friends...
or friends, period.

Oh... what if they hate me?

Maybe this flower was too big.
Am I trying too hard?

You like me, right?!

Woo-hoo!
That's what I'm talking about!

First one on the...

How did you...?

-You're not even wet!
-Hmm?

Oh, I used a shortcut.

Ma'am.

I may be the strongest player here
but I'm all about the teamwork.

Back in cadets, I took the teamwork
medal three years running.

Also the bed-making medal,
the flag-folding medal

and the letters home to mom
medal. I always win that one.

[sputtering]

I am what's known
as a "bubble boy".

Growing up, my mom was
really over-protective,

so I've never gone
swimming before.

Up until six hours ago, I've
never done anything before.

Except read and sigh a lot.

[sighs]

But that doesn't mean I'm not
a force to be reckoned with.

No way - Danaus plexippus,
the monarch butterfly?!

Aaah! It's so heavy!

Yeah, and my great-great-great
Uncle Boris invented swimming.

Before him, people just swung their arms
around like this and sank to the bottom.

And my great-great-great-
great-great-great...

-Yeah, that's great.
-[water splashing]

I knew I should've played that
Swii Fitness workout game!

I just hope I don't get cut first,
that would be lame.

But if I stick it out long
enough to get cut sixth

or even seventh,
how cool would that be, huh?

[video game sounds]

So stoked to be here!

I've been watching
Total Drama forever!

Who knows, maybe I'll even
make some new friends!

Yes, that would be good considering
you were an only child and all.

Huh? Who told you that?

Your soul reads like an open book.

You had such a lonely childhood.
It must have been difficult.

[Chris over PA] Attention, fresh meat!

See the trail leading into the forest?

Race to the end of the trail
and do not disturb the wildlife.

That would be bad.

Yeah, we wouldn't wanna
upset the bunnies.

[Chris] The tiniest sound can
set them off... like this:

[air horn blares]

[animals roaring, trees crashing]

[screaming]

Yes! Sorry you had to lose to a girl.

What girl? Lightning didn't lose, bro.

Lightning never loses.

Captain Modesty,
two steps left, you're on Team A.

Yo, Jo, move right, you're Team B.

Pit sniffer, you're Team A.

Corporal Brickhouse, Team B.

Sir, yes, sir!

[Chris] Silent treatment, Team A.

-Bubble boy, Team B.
-Okey-dokey.

Zoey the lonely, Team B.

Only as a child. Seriously!

[Chris] The Aura Whisperer, Team A.

-Ah!
-Saved by a Girl, Team B.

Princess Wannabe, Team A.

Tan in a Can, Team B.

Yo, Game Junkie, Team A.

[gasping] My uncle Bill won
the New York Marathon four times

because marathons were first
proposed by my great-great...

And Chatty Staci, Team A.

What the heck was that
thing in the forest?!

I'm pretty sure that cry does not
belong to any known animal species.

Relax, it'll all make sense eventually.

[maniacal laughter]

Now this season of Total Drama
will be a little bit different.

For example, in every episode,
someone will be eliminated.

[contestants] Ohhh!

It's never been that hard before.

I know, I'm good.
But since you're all first-timers,

I'm going to cut you a break
and hide this bad boy

somewhere in the camp grounds,

A genuine McLean brand Chris head!

Your free ticket back into the game,

even if your team-mates vote you off.

Whoever finds it will become
the most powerful player

in Total Drama history.

Is the cleft on my chin really that big?

Yep...and it looks like a butt.

Moving on!

Time for the team names.

Team Lightning!
No, wait - Lightning Squad!

Great suggestions, Lightning, but names
have already been chosen by moi.

Team A, you shall henceforth
be known as the Toxic Rats.

Killer!

And Team B, you are hereby
dubbed the Mutant Maggots!

Um, what's with all the
references to chemical waste?

[animal roars]

It's the monster!

[trees crashing, monster roaring]

Hey, it's just a stupid squirrel!

Aww...

[screams]

[Dawn] Oh, my gosh, what's wrong with it?

While we were gone,
I rented the island out to a nice,

family-oriented, bio-hazardous,
waste disposal company.

Sweet people.

But the waste is having
a teensy bit of an impact

on the flora and fauna.

Cool!

Weird, I want one.

[roars]

[screams]

[Chris laughs]

Most...danger...ever!

[sobs]

Chris is the meanest ever!

Hang on - not too blotchy...

Okay, take two.

[sobs]

Now, before we start our very
first challenge of the season,

let's give out some rewards.

Jo, because you made it
up here before anyone else,

your team gets a trampoline!

And the Rats get a hacksaw.

Awwwww!

[laughing] Agh!

[laughing] Oof! Agh!

What do these items have
to do with this bomb?

Umm...he won't really
blow us up again, will he?

Won't I? Find out when we come back.

Those are your team totems.

You need to cut 'em down
and get 'em in the river,

and ride 'em back
to the camp ground.

First team there gets
their pick of the cabins.

But hurry - the totems
are rigged with bombs

that will explode if you don't
plant 'em in front of your cabin

in seven minutes or less,
starting now.

All right, let's do this!
Yeah! Aagh!

Stand back,
Lightning is on it!

Dang, slippery tree!

Don't worry, Lightning never quits!

It's too bad that my third cousin Jack

isn't here to give up tips
on bare-handed tree climbing.

Ok, if Jo hits the centre
of the trampoline

with fifty pounds of
pressure per square inch--

Back off! I want a crack at this.

But I calculated for Jo's weight!

[crowd] Oooh!

Oof!

Ow!

Ah!

Oww!

Oouf!

Sure, I wanna win a million dollars

but not at the expense of my looks.

I mean, check me out -
perfect hair, perfect tan.

All this is worth a billion easy.

[grunting with effort]

And my great-great-great
Aunt Dor actually taught

Native Canadians to carve totems.

Huh?

[sighs of relief]

Oh, okay. You want me on this thing?

Woah, Hey.

You want me to stand here?

Wah!! Oof.

Woah, Dude!

Ahhhh!

First of all, tree climbing
is not a recognized sport.

Plus, that tree was covered
in butter or something.

But if Chris is trying
to make Lightning look bad,

he can think again.

Lightning never gives up
and never surrenders.

Sha-Lightning!

Time to win this!

Help, help, help!

-Good grief.
-Jeesh, what a baby!

Aww, man!
This isn't working!

[talking like old man] Gall darn it,
cut the danged rope already!

That's what we're trying to do, Mike.

Mike?! Name's Chester, missy!

Uh, excuse me?

Mike is so sweet.

Y'know, I really don't get
his old man comedy routine

but I bet it's really
funny if you're from,

like, France or something.

Lightning strikes!

[grunting with effort]

Go away.

Hey, shoo! Shoo!

[screams]

Back in my day, we didn't need
fancy saws and axes to cut ropes.

We did it just fine with stones.

Ahhhhhh!

One more person'll do it. Dakota?

Timber!!

No time for photo-ops, Dakota!

Take it easy!

[screaming]

Not the crewcut!!

Yes!

Mission accomplished!

Put me down! Take it easy!

Only three minutes left!

Saw the ropes!
How are you supposed to...

It won't work!

Teeth down on the rope - down!

No, girl, you can not be that dumb!

Pretend it's Daddy's steak knife!

There!

B... change your name to A-plus!

B thinks he's so smart, but
once my plan goes into action,

he won't know what hit 'im! Ow!

[cheering]

They're gaining on us!

It is my duty to inform you
that we have bigger problems.

My first waterfall!

And maybe our last!

[screaming]

Ah, kids today and
their crazy log rides.

-[Zoey] Mike!
-Huh?

Zoey?!

Zoey! Hang on tight!

Okay. Thanks, Mike!

No problem.

Alright, yeah!

B wants us to lean forward!

Yah!

My great-great-great-great second
Aunt Mary invented log riding and--

[all] We don't care!!

Hey! How did they get
in front of us?!

Ahh...feels good to be back!

Hey, Chris!

Get this, the boat wouldn't stop!

Oh, look...it's former player Owen,
who's not competing this year.

Yeah! So I swam back to tell you that...

What?! Not competing?!

I'm afraid you and the
other "classic players"

have outlived your usefulness. Chef?

[bomb beeping]

[Owen screams]

[explosion]

[laughing]

Woo-hoo!

First place! Go, Team Lightning!

Tick-tock!

Quick, grab the good cabin!

[groaning]

[cheering]

[bomb beeping]

[explosion]

Too bad. It had an eight-person hot tub

and air conditioning.

[all moaning]

Yah, my great-great-great
Uncle James invented log cabins.

Before him, people
had to sleep in the trees

and they kept falling
out all the time.

And my great-great-great-great
Aunt Phillys invented roofs

and before her, houses were
just walls and furniture,

and every time it rained,
you had to get a new sofa.

Regardless, as the only team
with a cabin still standing,

the Mutant Maggots
win the first challenge!

[all] Yay!

So where am I gonna sleep?

No worries, we've got
a back-up cabin for you.

It's every bit as nice
as the one you lost.

Crap!

Team Rat, I'll see you at the campfire

for our first elimination
ceremony of the season.

The votes are cast.

Those who receive a regular
marshmallow can stay.

But this season, one player will
receive a very special marshmallow.

A marshmallow you
do not want to eat.

Who ever gets the marshmallow of
toxic loserdom is out of the contest.

Which means, you can't
come back, ever!

The following players are safe:

Scott.

B.

Lightning.

Dawn.

And Sam.

And the marshmallow of
toxic loserdom goes to...

Staci.

Awww... but I was doing so good.

[team-mates gasp]

I guess it's the Dock
of Shame for me, then.

Actually, we came up with
something new this season.

You'll love it.

Say hello to the Hurl of Shame...

patent pending.

Yah, catapults were
invented by my great-great-

great-great-great-great-
greAAAAAEEEET!

One down, 12 to go.
Who's next in line?

Find out next time,
right here on Total...

Drama...

Revenge Of The Island!

[theme music]